Kids in wedding

lhagberg

I ran across my first (but I am sure not my last) pushy family member.  My future sister-in-law has 4 kids ages 13, 12, 9 and 4.  She told my fiance yesterday that her kids will be very upset if they are not involved in the wedding because they have been "waiting a long time" for this.  The 12, 11 and 4 year olds are girls and the 9 year old is a boy.  Neither of us want to add them to the actual wedding party as junior bridesmaids/groomsman.  I was thinking about having the 2 older ones be readers, the youngest a flower girl, but what kind of responsibilty can you give a 9 year old boy?  I can't come up with a single thing.  We also don't want to add another usher.  Please help! 

Also, we weren't even planning on having kids invited to the wedding, but we are b/c of her.  I have a niece and nephew that we are much closer to that aren't involved in the wedding. 

Brie2010

Kids need to learn to deal with disappointment.  I'm not a parent, but I'm pretty sure if you give kids everything they want whenever they want it, they will turn out spoiled and lazy.

Don't let yourself be bullied by FSIL.  If you don't want kids in the wedding, stand up for youself.

Tell the kids, "it's an honor to be a wedding guest!  I can't wait to see you guys all dressed up and dance with you guys at the reception."  If they are sad, they will deal.  Not the end of the world.

shellydiane820

I'm with Brie, unless its important for your fi to have his nieces and nephews to be in the wedding, tell them they would be great guests.

ac_in_dc

I'd stand your ground. Honestly I think being a reader is a big honor, and I like to reserve it for adults b/c I like to have a reading done well at a wedding. Maybe FSIL could do it instead? If the kids are very mature and serious, then they may be able to handle a reading.

What does your FI think? If he really wants them to be involved then you should probably honor his wishes.

The kids should be excited enough just to get dressed up and go to the wedding. I had 21 kids at my wedding (of only 100 people!!) and they all had a blast. Fancy clothes, food, cake, dancing, disposable cameras for the big ones to take pictures. No special roles required.

sarah0725

If they are sad, it's probably only because their mother has been filling their heads with how you are going to include them in the wedding. If you don't want kids in your wedding party, don't ask them. You could even use the excuse that with the addition of your own niece and nephew, that would be too many kids, and you'd rather not have to pick and choose and have them all as guests.

Kids are resilient, and they will get over it. I think the problem here is the FSIL.

ohwhynot

Doesn't every 9 year old boy dream of being in his uncle's wedding?  I'm sure he's really been yearning. 

I'd say not to give in to her pressure, but of course you're the one who's going to have to sit across from her at Thanksgiving every year, so it's touchy. 

If you really are going to incorporate the other children into the wedding, maybe the boy can hand out programs, rice, or bubbles?  Make an announcement that the dancing is about to begin? 

I'd also incorporate the kids you ARE close into the wedding.  There is nothing wrong (and I think it's cute) with having 2 flower girls or 2 ring bearers or the like. 

sarabellam

If you and your FI weren't planning on asking the children to be in the wedding, don't let this woman push you into it. As PPs have said, children need to learn to deal with disappointment in this lifetime, the sooner the better, for their own sakes.

pirategal03

A 9 year old boy can be in charge of making sure everyone gets a bag of birdseed/bottle of bubbles/bag of confetti/whatever you're using to toss. 

We're having this problem too.  As much as I want to say "STAND YOUR GROUND", I've chickened out on this topic with my family, I know how easy it is to want to appease family.  I have a cousin who'll be almost 9 when we get married, and she's SURE she's going to be a flowergirl...weeeeeeell, we're not having kids in the wedding.  So that's not happening.  She'll get over it, and so will your family children (and their mother). 

We're also not having a "kids area" or any such thing at the reception.  If the parents are bringing the kids, then they're responsible for their kids.  If the kids are bored and can't behave, they should have hired a sitter and left them home.  It's the parent's responsibility everywhere else, why should that be different at a wedding. 

betrothed123

Don't give them jobs just because their parents are pushy.  My SIL tried pulling this with my H and I.  We went to her house one day and right in front of my niece says "Oh she's so excited to be your FG.  She's going to look so cute in that dress.";  I looked her in the eye and said "We're not having kids in our wedding."  She biitched and moaned about how excited my niece was for the role, and how disappointed she was going to be because we wouldn't give her the role.  I told her that if she hadn't gone and gotten the idea into the kid's head before talking to me there wouldn't have been a problem so it wans't my problem to deal with.

Guess what, my niece really didn't give a flying fluck if she was our FG or not.

SwedishChick2011

If you and your FI really don't want them in the wedding, don't give in to your FSIL's demands.  If you do decide to have them do something, then I think they should all get to do something (i.e., don't exclude the 9-year-old - find something small for him to do).  But like others said, they probably don't really care all that much.  Your FSIL is likely projecting what SHE wants onto them.

ecsmiles

Honestly - I wouldn't have them in the wedding.  I have a feeling that by saying "they" would be disappointed she really meant that she would be.  Don't let her pressure you into anything, just politely tell her that there aren't any "jobs" for her kids to have.

mrsamyjones

Thank God my sister didnt pull this. I have a niece and a nephew that are both 11, they will be 12 for the time of the wedding, and I would have loved for them to be in the wedding, but I felt they were a little too old to be flower girl and ring bearer. We asked family friends's much younger children to be our flower girl and ring bearer. My sister wasnt offended at all. And i still havent decided if they would even enjoy ushering or not so I havent made any decisions.

MyNameIsNot

"We've decided not to have any children in the wedding party."  So easy, and then you aren't playing favorites with his family. 

I've got to say, if your family sees the groom's 4 nieces and nephews in the WP but none of the bride's, they are going to notice. 

SparrowSong

Meh. I'm not a fan of kids in wedding parties at all. (with the exception of children of the bride and/or groom) I so wouldn't care what FSIL thinks. If you don't want the kids involved, don't have them. It's ridiculous to come up with FOUR jobs for her FOUR offspring. It's a wedding, not an elementary school pageant. Not everyone gets to be involved. They can dress up and look cute sitting with the other guests, maybe do a special photo where they get to pose with the bride and/or groom. But forcing themselves into the wedding party, hell no. Don't let this woman push you around.

cbvcru67

I agree with the other posters - don't let SIL push you around.  It's amazing I can still remember this, but my mom did something very similar when her youngest brother got married.  When my Uncle called to tell my mom he was engaged, she told us all about it.  My sister and I, probably 9 and 10, were wondering aloud if we would be in the wedding and my mom had us call to ask if we could be flower girls!  Actually it was more like a "Congratulations! We're so excited for you! Can we be in the wedding?!"  He said thank you and they didn't really know yet.

My mom had gotten it into our heads, mostly because I think she was excited for us being on display (which would have been quite terrible, as we both were in truly awkward stages)  and eventually when we weren't in the wedding there wa an initial let down.  But then we didn't really care at all.  It was still alot of fun and we got to run around and play with our cousins.  But obviously, it was so weird being involved in all that, that it stuck with me 15+ years later.