Wedding Etiquette Forum

Is this awkward?

We're trying to set a wedding date, and FI likes the idea of a June (2013) wedding in Hawaii. My stepdaughter is graduating high school that month on the 14th, and FI thinks it would be cool to go for her graduation trip and our wedding. I like this idea in theory, but the only dates that work for my side of the family are approximately the 15th through the 21st.

My only issue with these dates is that they fall on Father's Day in some years. FI has a 5-year-old daughter too, and his custody arrangement calls for us to have her every Father's Day weekend. I feel like if we choose one of these dates, there will be at least a couple occasions where we'll have to choose between turning her down on Father's Day weekend (which I would never push for) or not celebrating our anniversary (which isn't appealing to me either).

I'm thinking about compromising and asking if we can do the trip in July. Or am I overthinking this/PMSing/having a case of the Mondays?

Re: Is this awkward?

  • Does step-daughter like the idea of sharing a grad trip with her dad's wedding to someone who isnt her mom? That would be my biggest concern, other then I think those are just logistics that you as a couple need to decide which is more important to you.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e02a4f2-4032-42c0-8798-f3bef5b640b7Post:6361de0f-2292-4523-a0fe-a15444f3359e">Is this awkward?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're trying to set a wedding date, and FI likes the idea of a June (2013) wedding in Hawaii. My stepdaughter is graduating high school that month on the 14th, and FI thinks it would be cool to go for her graduation trip and our wedding. I like this idea in theory, but the only dates that work for my side of the family are approximately the 15th through the 21st. My only issue with these dates is that they fall on Father's Day in some years. FI has a 5-year-old daughter too, and his custody arrangement calls for us to have her every Father's Day weekend. I feel like if we choose one of these dates, there will be at least a couple occasions where we'll have to choose between turning her down on Father's Day weekend (which I would never push for) or not celebrating our anniversary (which isn't appealing to me either). I'm thinking about compromising and asking if we can do the trip in July. Or am I overthinking this/PMSing/having a case of the Mondays?
    Posted by CA.Giraffe[/QUOTE]

    You're overthinking this. There's no law that says you have to celebrate your anniversary on the actual date otherwise you forfeit the right to celebrate it at all.
  • Couldn't you celebrate your anniversary on a different day if it falls on Fathers Day?
    Think about it - if it falls on a Tuesday, are you really going to go out/go away during the middle of the week or would you just celebrate it on the weekend?

    I would however consider that your step daughter may not want to have her dad get married so close to her graduation. Do you think it will be stressful enough without adding a wedding in the same week, or have you already considered that?
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  • Well in my personal opinion your choices are to have the wedding a different day, or plan to sometimes celebrate your anniversary a day late/ahead.

    Turning a little girl down for fathers day would never be an option to me.  We're adults and can understand the complexities of scheduling and sometimes not getting our first choice of dates, but all a kid would see is being put second in daddy's life on an important day.
  • Oh - she's fine with sharing and is excited about the wedding. Her mom hasn't been a part of her life for the past 10+ years - there's no drama there.

  • I'm kinda 50/50 on this one. High school graduations can be events in and of themselves with parties and all that good stuff, so I feel like there might be too much else going on to try to go to Hawaii right afterward. It's possible your step-daughter will want to be around to hang out with her friends and celebrate. It's also possible your step-daughter could care less about her friends' grad parties and would rather party in Hawaii :-)

    PPs are right that it's not a huge deal if your anniversary coincides with Father's Day. So, I'd evaluate it based on how busy you think the time around graduation will be for you guys and for your step-daughter. If you feel like there will be too many other extraneous graduation activities/events in that week or so surrounding it, then move the wedding to July. Or, if you really like June in Hawaii, keep it.
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  • I realize we can celebrate our anniversary another day, and it's not that we can't include the kids (although honestly, FI and I would probably look at it as a chance to at least grab dinner or a movie without the kiddos). We've always been partial to pretty big celebrations for milestones - both FI and I never work on our birthdays, for instance, and we take our dating anniversary off every year too. With this in mind, it seemed to me we'd be better off picking another date for our wedding.
  • I can understand why someone would want to celebrate their anniversary on the weekend closest to the anniversary date, as a couple with no one else involved. It makes perfect sense.

    OP, what about having your wedding on the 21st?
  • The 21st is my parents' anniversary. It's simply a personal preference of mine not to share the day - technically I could (they won't be at the wedding, and therefore it wouldn't be cutting into any anniversary plans they might have), but in all honestly, they haven't had a happy marriage and I wouldn't like to associate my anniversary with that.

    Grad trips weren't the norm when I graudated high school. Is the first week or so of July too late for one? And I'm talking about a family sort of grad trip, not the type with a dozen friends in Mexico.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e02a4f2-4032-42c0-8798-f3bef5b640b7Post:20386c51-c07d-4abe-a450-cd7b38598def">Re: Is this awkward?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, what do you think full time parents do on their anniversaries?  
    Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]
    Isn't that what babysitters are for? I don't get where you're coming from on this, or what you're finding difficult to understand about a couple wanting to celebrate their anniversary as a couple.
  • Just a thought - lots of your step-daughter's friends will likely be having their own graduation parties around the time of your trip.  She may think the trip is a cool idea now, but end up hating the fact that she'll miss Suzy, Jane, Steve, Joe, and Bob's graduation parties when the time comes closer and all those events start getting planned.  I'd move the wedding trip to July.
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  • EaglesBride - I am a full-time parent; my son is 14. Both my employer and FI's provide personal days for your birthday, so we always have the day off. We've taken the day off on our dating anniversary to do fun stuff like wine tasting or a day trip to the beach. It's nice to be able to take the time off, but I didn't think it was that odd.

    I guess in my mind, it's even more important that FI and I make time to do things as a couple because otherwise, our kids could easily consume every moment we have together. To me, our anniversary would be one of those occasions. I love our family dynamic, but I love spending time with just FI too.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e02a4f2-4032-42c0-8798-f3bef5b640b7Post:c4da5317-baac-4ca8-98e9-fc03681a4ba2">Re: Is this awkward?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this awkward? : Isn't that what babysitters are for? I don't get where you're coming from on this, or what you're finding difficult to understand about a couple wanting to celebrate their anniversary as a couple.
    Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

    I think Eagles meant that full-time parents would get a babysitter or something, not that they would necessarily bring their kids with them or have them home for their anniversary.
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  • StephBean - I hadn't thought of that. It's a good idea though. I'll bring that up to FI.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e02a4f2-4032-42c0-8798-f3bef5b640b7Post:20386c51-c07d-4abe-a450-cd7b38598def">Re: Is this awkward?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>You don't work on your birthday or your dating anniversary</strong>?  Also, what do you think full time parents do on their anniversaries?  This entire argument is weird to me, so I'm just gonna go now. 
    Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

    I may get the birthday thing because it could be like a gift to yourself...but you don't work on your dating anniversary?  That to me is a bit odd, but to each their own.

    As for you wedding, since celebrating milestones is a big thing for your and your FI I would suggest just picking another time to get married.  Why not go to Hawaii in July?  Would that be a better time for your side of the family?  Then you can celebrate the graduation in a different way.

  • Sounds like June is busy for your family already, so don't get married in June. 

    Wow, that was an easy problem to solve. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e02a4f2-4032-42c0-8798-f3bef5b640b7Post:ca043b85-a1ae-4051-aa20-be3fe78583c2">Re: Is this awkward?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this awkward? : I think Eagles meant that full-time parents would get a babysitter or something, not that they would necessarily bring their kids with them or have them home for their anniversary.
    Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]
    If that's the case, then yes a full-time parent would get a babysitter. But in this case, where they have what sounds like sometimes-weekend custody of the kid, they wouldn't necessarily want to get a babysitter on a weekend when the kid is around. I understand OP's conundrum. I can't figure out what Eagles is getting at.

    OP - it sounds like probably moving it to July is the best option.
  • Thanks for the responses. I think July is going to work out better for us, whether we combine the grad trip and the wedding or not.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e02a4f2-4032-42c0-8798-f3bef5b640b7Post:d390b004-f937-455b-b716-32622331f4cf">Re: Is this awkward?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the responses. I think July is going to work out better for us, whether we combine the grad trip and the wedding or not.
    Posted by CA.Giraffe[/QUOTE]

    I'm glad. FWIW, I think your step-daughter should have her own graduation festivities that are all about her and not mixed in with your wedding.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e02a4f2-4032-42c0-8798-f3bef5b640b7Post:279361ab-f932-4dcd-ac58-d84d187b7a3b">Re: Is this awkward?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this awkward? : I'm glad. FWIW, I think your step-daughter should have her own graduation festivities that are all about her and not mixed in with your wedding.
    Posted by goobersinlove[/QUOTE]


    I agree. I would set the wedding for July
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e02a4f2-4032-42c0-8798-f3bef5b640b7Post:a61952c9-3c63-4594-bd57-f96724a5103f">Re: Is this awkward?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You hate kids. 
    Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]
    No, I don't, and I really resent being told that.
  • No, I don't pretend anything. I don't like kids nor do I like being around them, but that is a completely different thing than hate. There is very little in life that I HATE.
  • You like kids, and it colors all your advice. That's getting pretty old, too.

    just stfu
  • Fine, whatever. You're allowed to like kids, just as I'm allowed to dislike them. It is not ok, however, to accuse me of hatred and tell me my dislike of something is "extreme". You are being very rude and disrespectful and it's pissing me off.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e02a4f2-4032-42c0-8798-f3bef5b640b7Post:42fa4c0b-7249-4fd2-bb4c-b4aaeea656ab">Re: Is this awkward?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sounds like June is busy for your family already, so don't get married in June.  Wow, that was an easy problem to solve. 
    Posted by RupertPenny[/QUOTE]

    there ya go! done and done.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-awkward?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e02a4f2-4032-42c0-8798-f3bef5b640b7Post:53b3f3b9-6910-4682-9beb-55ae9a1bbb2d">Re: Is this awkward?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm kinda 50/50 on this one. <strong>High school graduations can be events in and of themselves with parties and all that good stuff, so I feel like there might be too much else going on to try to go to Hawaii right afterward</strong>. It's possible your step-daughter will want to be around to hang out with her friends and celebrate. It's also possible your step-daughter could care less about her friends' grad parties and would rather party in Hawaii :-) PPs are right that it's not a huge deal if your anniversary coincides with Father's Day. So, I'd evaluate it based on how busy you think the time around graduation will be for you guys and for your step-daughter. If you feel like there will be too many other extraneous graduation activities/events in that week or so surrounding it, then move the wedding to July. Or, if you really like June in Hawaii, keep it.
    Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]


    yeah, she might love the trip any other week\month\day but she will probably want to hang with her friends during this time. No? Just a suggestion!
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