Asking for advanced RSVPs?

lnturnbull

My future husband and I are having a destination wedding and have chosen a ceremony site that accomidates an ABSOLUTE maximum of 30 people. This number includes photographer, officiant, us... everyone.

He has a large family (more than 50 people if you include siblings, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles). We are planning on having a larger reception a couple months afterwards in his home state where we will invite a larger number of people and use separate invitations. My family is small and from all over the country - and will also be invited to the later reception.

However, we would like to use our ceremony site to it's maximum capacity to allow close family and friends to attend. We are planning to send out a Save-the-Date card at least 10 months prior to the ceremony, with invitations to follow about 2 months prior.

Is it okay (even if not absolutly proper) to give an explaination of our ceremony site restrictions on the Save-the-Date and request RSVPs ahead of sending invites?

Any suggestions on how to handle this conundrum with grace and class?

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-advanced-rsvps?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e436e00-0950-441c-97d9-58b8746ef1fdPost:be459621-9a46-48dd-bd61-2a24a636a9ec">Asking for advanced RSVPs?</a>:
[QUOTE]My future husband and I are having a destination wedding and have chosen a ceremony site that accomidates an ABSOLUTE maximum of 30 people. This number includes photographer, officiant, us... everyone. He has a large family (more than 50 people if you include siblings, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles). We are planning on having a larger reception a couple months afterwards in his home state where we will invite a larger number of people and use separate invitations. My family is small and from all over the country - and will also be invited to the later reception. However, we would like to use our ceremony site to it's maximum capacity to allow close family and friends to attend. We are planning to send out a Save-the-Date card at least 10 months prior to the ceremony, with invitations to follow about 2 months prior. Is it okay (even if not absolutly proper) to give an explaination of our ceremony site restrictions on the Save-the-Date and request RSVPs ahead of sending invites? Any suggestions on how to handle this conundrum with grace and class?
Posted by lnturnbull[/QUOTE]
This is all not okay.
If the destination wedding can only accomadate 30 then yo ucan only invite 30, no more.
You can not send invites that early, most people don't know their plans. You can not request responses back that early.

lnturnbull

I can't request responses from close family and friends 2 months before the event?

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I would think that people who are that close to us would know their plans by that time.

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-advanced-rsvps?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e436e00-0950-441c-97d9-58b8746ef1fdPost:6264d6aa-780d-4517-9003-00e30120a437">Re: Asking for advanced RSVPs?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't request responses from close family and friends 2 months before the event? Perhaps I'm wrong, but I would think that people who are that close to us would know their plans by that time.
Posted by lnturnbull[/QUOTE]
No, I wouldn't. You can spread by word of mouth your plans and if their family I'm sure they'll let you know but you can not formally request response that far in advance.

ricksang

There is no way that I could know if I could attend something 10 months in advance.

duckie1905

No, its not okay.  Not everyone, even your closest friends and family, can make plans 10 months in advance.  It would be rude to pressure them-and that is exactly how a request like that would come off.  Not only that but I'd be willing to bet that if you did make the request most would say no simply because they can't make a decision so far in advance.  

Invite who you plan on inviting.  Those that can attend, will.  Those that can't, won't.  If you have extra space then you have extra space.

nda_roxybabe

I would also think, If you can only invite 20 something people you would know who they were and just know if they could come or not.
I know if it was me it would be our parents, siblings, grandparents. I know they would all be there.

ricksang

I agree Roxy. 20 people is not a lot. Almost all the 20 that I would invite would be super close to me.

kellyjellybelly

I'm slightly confused about when you want a response?  

I also would not mention the ceremony site restrictions, it may seem to some as if you are steering them away from coming.  I don't know if that makes sense, but if I received a STD that said 'but we only have room for XX people' I would take that as:  please don't come, we don't have a lot of room and would like to invite other people. 

mocha beans

Definitely agree that you can't tell people to rsvp more than a few weeks in advance, probably a month at the absolute most for a DW.  Absolute earliest.  As mentioned earlier, people don't always know their vacation approvals from work far out.

Either invite 28 people and leave it at that, or find a different venue.

Do not, do not, do an A/B list.  People will figure it out, especially for a DW.

abbiewebster

in england we send out invites about 7-8 months in advance anyway, i dont think theres ne thing wrong with it, aslong as it doesnt look like u are inviting otherpeople just because some said no.

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-advanced-rsvps?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e436e00-0950-441c-97d9-58b8746ef1fdPost:fb26c718-fc28-48c2-80b5-3f8d3d7fd35b">Re: Asking for advanced RSVPs?</a>:
[QUOTE]in england we send out invites about 7-8 months in advance anyway, i dont think theres ne thing wrong with it, aslong as it doesnt look like u are inviting otherpeople just because some said no.
Posted by abbiewebster[/QUOTE]
Ok, except we're not in England.
I'd be weirded out if I got an invite that early, I would just assume it was an STD of some sort.
You can not send an invite that early.

ricksang

We aren't talking about England.

psichick

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-advanced-rsvps?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e436e00-0950-441c-97d9-58b8746ef1fdPost:6264d6aa-780d-4517-9003-00e30120a437">Re: Asking for advanced RSVPs?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't request responses from close family and friends 2 months before the event? Perhaps I'm wrong, but I would think that people who are that close to us would know their plans by that time.
Posted by lnturnbull[/QUOTE]

<div>what does people being close to you have anything to do with them knowing their plans? people simply don't plan that far in advance. and i agree with pp's that if they are that close to you, then you should know anyway if they're likely to come. </div>

aMrsin09

I was in this exact situation for our wedding.  20 people MAX at the venue.  When I told my family and friends the date and location (Australia) they had no problem telling me within a few days whether or not they would be able to make it, w/o me even saking.  And this was a year out. 

How far away from your home is the DW?

karmellah

i would looove to get an invite that early. Working in retail, I need to know my day off requests that far in advance. it would make life so much more easy. At least STDs nice and early would be great. Mine are going out kind of early.

kristi-ji

While I completely understand not requiring your guests to RSVP that early, giving them 2 months notice for a destination wedding is completely approrpiate - depending on how far away the DW is. My family and friends will be traveling nearly 1500 miles from one coast to the other for our wedding (we both live in CO), and while our RSVP's are being asked for 3 weeks before the wedding, we are sending out the invites 3 months in advance. This gives people in retail, restaurant, and other professions (including start ups and corporate - if someone owns their own business or travels, they might need this much notice to organize their accounts around your date!) the time to see if their requests for time off are approved or not. Again, only invite the amount of people you WANT to come. I can't stress this enough. You will be amazed how many people will actually RSVP. Send out 30 (25?) invites to those closest to you, making sure that they have enough time to get off work and set up their travel arrangements. Send invitations for your "second" reception out a bit closer to the date and with a shorter RSVP time. It's not rocket science people! It's a wedding. Breathe, have fun, and do what seems easy, logical, and kind.

nda_roxybabe

Kristi- yes, but thats where STD's come in handy.

katiewhompus

Sending the invites 2 months out for a DW does't seem so bad to me, it's asking people to rsvp from the STD's at 10 months out that is difficult. A lot can happen to a person in 10 months and they can't always request a day off that far in advanced. I think just pick the 30 people you want to be there, send them the std's, then at 2 months send them the invites and ask them to give the normal 1month response time.

Mrs.B6302007

Sending out STDs 10 months out is a good plan.
Requesting RSVPs 8 weeks prior to the wedding, not so much.  This sounds like you're going to try to do a B list to try and get your 30 people.  Even guests who RSVP yes still don't show up to weddings so the 30 is not going to be a guaranteed thing.

Just pick your 30 guests, send out the STDs 10 months ahead, send out the invites at the 8-10 week mark with RSVPs due back about 2 -3 weeks (average) prior to the wedding and hope that they can all come.

Is it okay (even if not absolutly proper) to give an explaination of our ceremony site restrictions on the Save-the-Date and request RSVPs ahead of sending invites?   Under no circumstances should you mention anything about  "ceremony site restrictions" to your guests.

nda_roxybabe

Mrs B! What are you doing up?

Mrs.B6302007

Can't sleep =-/

nda_roxybabe

I'm sorry Baby Bee is going to be here any day now huh?

Lisa50

Hmmm ... how about this??  Skip the Save-the-Date mailing altogether. 

I suggest starting with phone calls (no emails) to the most important people after  signing the venue contract.  Just make sure you don't go over a grand total of 30 (get that list refined in your head first) -- and see where that leaves you.  You may find, in these intimate conversations, that some won't be able to join you and that they don't expect an invitation.  Let them know what's going on, i.e., venue restriction on number of guests, and I'm sure you'll be able to figure out your guest list.

And then, mail your invitations 2 months in advance with a request for a reply.

riverjib

I agree. Start with phone calls. But you CHOSE this destination, so you have to suck it up and deal with the etiquette attached to the wedding you want. It's not fair to expect to ask so far in advance and keep adding to your guest list as others decline. IInvite those closest to you, and that's all. The smaller the wedding, the more obvious it will be if you have a "B" list. If anything, you're supposed to give significantly more notice for a destination wedding so that your guests can plan for both the time and expense of traveling.

A friend of mine invited me to his destination wedding within weeks of the big day. Not only was it clear that I was a "C" or "D" list guest, but he knew that there was no way I could attend, so I'm assuming he just cast out invites hoping for gifts. It killed our friendship. I never expected an invitation, and I probably would have given him a gift anyway as a token of our friendship, but I really just lost respect for him.