Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute

NikkiJNR

Okay. So I am not inviting my father to my wedding because there are some issues. He still offered to help out by paying for some stuff. I have not said yes that he could contribute yet or discussed what he would pay for.
My question is about the invitations. Should his name go on the invites too? My mom and stepfather and fiances parents names are going on because they are paying for the bulk of the expenses. Should my bio father's name go on too if he is contributing even though he isn't invited? Or would that be weird and raise questions at he wedding when he isn't there?

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-wording-father-not-invited-but-wants-to-contribute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e5ff6dc-c54e-4edd-8ffd-af03f96354e3Post:a3d67358-50ce-43c4-95a1-568ab0b22058">Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay. So I am not inviting my father to my wedding because there are some issues. He still offered to help out by paying for some stuff. I have not said yes that he could contribute yet or discussed what he would pay for. My question is about the invitations. Should his name go on the invites too? My mom and stepfather and fiances parents names are going on because they are paying for the bulk of the expenses. Should my bio father's name go on too if he is contributing even though he isn't invited? Or would that be weird and raise questions at he wedding when he isn't there?
Posted by NikkiJNR[/QUOTE]
He's agreed to help pay even though he knows you won't let him attend? Wowsers.

He's paying, so yes his name should go on there. The fact that he's paying less than others is irrelevant.

If anyone asks why he isn't there, you can just tell the guest to either ask him or tell the guest, "He wasn't able to attend" and change the subject.

Fancypantsamy

I don't think you should accept the money if you aren't ready to let him be part of your day, regardless of if he's okay with it. I feel like this is something that he could throw back in your face later on if things go further south with the two of you. Money always comes with strings.

I know it's hard since the money could come in so handy, but seriously, I'm more concerned with it hurting you in the long run.

ETA: I know, I know I didn't answer the actual question. Maybe there's more information that might change how I feel, I just really can't imagine how this wouldn't blow up in your face and I figure no one else has commented yet so it's not like I'm adding to an echo chamber. Good luck.

lyndausvi

Names on the invites are generally the hosts of the wedding.  Since he will not be there he can't host.  So no  I would not put him on the invite.


I also would find it odd to accept money to help for a party he is not invited to. However, he can still give you a gift without being invited.  

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-wording-father-not-invited-but-wants-to-contribute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e5ff6dc-c54e-4edd-8ffd-af03f96354e3Post:eaccdc9e-f90a-4c58-a87a-cba60e419614">Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute</a>:
[QUOTE]Names on the invites are generally the hosts of the wedding.  Since he will not be there he can't host.  So no  I would not put him on the invite. I also would find it odd to accept money to help for a party he is not invited to. However, he can still give you a gift without being invited.  
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I have to agree.  Wedding invitations aren't supposed to reflect who's paying or how much anyway.  So if he's not a host, which he can't be if he's not even invited, his name does not belong on the invitation, regardless of whether he gives you a gift.

BMoreBride6

I honestly don't think he should be paying for anything if he isn't invited.  I'm not at all saying you must invite him or that it is wrong not to, that is definitly your call; however, allowing him to pay for things is going to open up a can of worms will not be worth it.  

mlg78

Regardless of what the situation is, I would decline his offer to pay for a portion of the wedding since you're not allowing him to attend.  If he chooses to give you money, it is just a wedding gift.

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-wording-father-not-invited-but-wants-to-contribute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e5ff6dc-c54e-4edd-8ffd-af03f96354e3Post:b9d0b450-bb07-4540-a259-7097968a16d9">Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute : He's agreed to help pay even though he knows you won't let him attend? Wowsers. He's paying, so yes his name should go on there. The fact that he's paying less than others is irrelevant. If anyone asks why he isn't there, you can just tell the guest to either ask him or tell the guest, "He wasn't able to attend" and change the subject.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

I would never accept money from someone I am not even willing to invite That is just rude beyond belief. "you are good enough to pay for my wedding, but not attend it"

Either decline money, or invite him...but don't do both. Only YOU can decide that one...


His name should not go on invitatin as he is not a "host" since you won't even let him attend.

mlg78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-wording-father-not-invited-but-wants-to-contribute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e5ff6dc-c54e-4edd-8ffd-af03f96354e3Post:488a6d9e-ee99-486f-aa12-7a2fa5171f60">Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute</a>:
[QUOTE]1.  No, your father's name cannot be on your invitation if he is not attending. 2.  No, you cannot accept money from your father for your wedding without inviting him. 3.  Unless he is in prison or has molested you as a child, you should invite him to your wedding, whether he offers you money, or not.  It sounds like he is reaching out to you to try and make things right.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1 & 2 I agree with...#3 - I don't believe it's our place to judge.

</div>

LisaA2014

Ouch, I have daddy issues galore but I wouldn't even consider taking money from my father then not inviting him. However if it doesn't bother you then I don't think invite wording should matter all that much in the bigger picture.

LisaA2014

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-wording-father-not-invited-but-wants-to-contribute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e5ff6dc-c54e-4edd-8ffd-af03f96354e3Post:96d7c570-53c8-4c8b-a393-a31ccf1db67a">Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute : 1 & 2 I agree with...#3 - I don't believe it's our place to judge.
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]




I agree on #3 if only to not look back in regret. As I get older I realize that my father won't be around forever and that our MANY past issues shouldn't consume my life. Nothing is going to change the fact that he is my father and the only thing holding on to it brings me is more hurt. Hurting him doesn't help heal my pain.

MoonlightSilver

I'm really curious if your dad knew he wasn't invited to the wedding when he offered the money. 

PPs gave good advice- don't put his name on the invite, and either don't accept his money or do invite him.

mlg78

I agree with what is being said but this sounds like her father is trying to over compensate for something...  Most people wouldn't offer up money for a wedding they're not even invited to.  We don't know the story and it's none of our business.  I'm sure she realizes she'll have to live with her decision the rest of her life.

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-wording-father-not-invited-but-wants-to-contribute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e5ff6dc-c54e-4edd-8ffd-af03f96354e3Post:c2e754e9-8d79-4cb5-b3a3-b7f0acb29d3e">Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute : Perhaps not, but I feel that maybe the OP is doing some judging of her own about her father, who seems to want to help give her a nice wedding.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

We really don't know the whole story or even a little bit of it, really. OP could have a toxic relationship with her dad and this is his way of trying to manipulate. Or maybe it's his way of trying to make up. The point is we really don't know, so judgement shouldn't be passed.

OP, without knowing more, I'd say no to his money and don't put his name on the invitation. He can't really host if he's not there.

Vandelay007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-wording-father-not-invited-but-wants-to-contribute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e5ff6dc-c54e-4edd-8ffd-af03f96354e3Post:488a6d9e-ee99-486f-aa12-7a2fa5171f60">Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute</a>:
[QUOTE]1.  No, your father's name cannot be on your invitation if he is not attending. 2.  No, you cannot accept money from your father for your wedding without inviting him. 3.  Unless he is in prison or has molested you as a child, you should invite him to your wedding, whether he offers you money, or not.  It sounds like he is reaching out to you to try and make things right.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this post 100%</div><div>
</div><div>Weddings are a time to come together as a family. Obviously he hasn't done anything horrible since you're considering accepting his money. I know this post isn't about whether or not you'll allow him to attend but maybe you should think about how you would feel if your dad dies in 5, 10 or however many years. Would you regret deciding not to invite him to your wedding? For a lot of fathers, their daughters wedding day is one of the proudest days of their lives. </div>

NYCMercedes

Your call on inviting him, but don't insult him further by accepting his money.

mlg78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-wording-father-not-invited-but-wants-to-contribute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e5ff6dc-c54e-4edd-8ffd-af03f96354e3Post:9d68f30d-31e3-4252-bd38-ae73b4a12f9c">Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute : I agree with this post 100% Weddings are a time to come together as a family. <strong>Obviously he hasn't done anything horrible since you're considering accepting his money. </strong>I know this post isn't about whether or not you'll allow him to attend but maybe you should think about how you would feel if your dad dies in 5, 10 or however many years. Would you regret deciding not to invite him to your wedding? For a lot of fathers, their daughters wedding day is one of the proudest days of their lives. 
Posted by Vandelay007[/QUOTE]

<div>Seriously?  We don't know what has transpired.  If I were in some way hurt by one of my parents and they offered me money for my wedding I'd also be very tempted to take it if they'd put me through a difficult time.  Like I said, it sounds like he's trying to over compensate for something...but again, it's none of our business and it's irrelevent to what she's asking!</div>

nextrightthing

I agree with CMGr. 

MsYeck

I'm with Cmgr

rachelm13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-wording-father-not-invited-but-wants-to-contribute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e5ff6dc-c54e-4edd-8ffd-af03f96354e3Post:96d7c570-53c8-4c8b-a393-a31ccf1db67a">Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute : 1 & 2 I agree with...#3 - I don't believe it's our place to judge.
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

If he chooses to still give you money, then it is a gift... 

Vandelay007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-wording-father-not-invited-but-wants-to-contribute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e5ff6dc-c54e-4edd-8ffd-af03f96354e3Post:8fd963f7-b827-4c35-a14c-3d1484e5b0ee">Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute : Seriously?  We don't know what has transpired.  If I were in some way hurt by one of my parents and they offered me money for my wedding <strong>I'd also be very tempted to take it if they'd put me through a difficult time</strong>.  Like I said, it sounds like he's trying to over compensate for something...but again, it's none of our business and it's irrelevent to what she's asking!
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]

I guess your love can be bought eh?

<div>My father would have to do something pretty darn terrible for me to not invite him to my wedding. And if he DID do something that terrible, there is no way I would be tempted by his money. But, maybe that's just me and the kind of person I am.</div><div>
</div><div>Sure, you may be right, he may be trying to over compensate by throwing money at the issue and expecting it to fix their relationship. But if she isn't willing to try to fix the relationship by sending him a simple invite to her wedding day, then she certainly shouldn't be thinking twice about accepting the money.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, we're on the etiquette board. Pretty sure it's poor etiquette to accept money from a non-invited father. </div>

auroraborealisabc

Huh... very odd situation.  I'm shocked he's offering to pay even though you won't let him attend...

Basic answers:  No, his name should definitely not go on the invitations, as he won't be hosting the event.  It doesn't make sense and, honestly, seems like pretty poor behavior on your part to even consider accepting money from him if you won't even allow him to attend.  Finally, all families have issues, and unless these are pretty dang extreme (and I mean REALLY), he should be invited, period.

If I were your father I would be extremely offended at this treatment.  Good enough to take money from, but not to even allow to witness your wedding day.  Wow.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-wording-father-not-invited-but-wants-to-contribute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5e5ff6dc-c54e-4edd-8ffd-af03f96354e3Post:9d68f30d-31e3-4252-bd38-ae73b4a12f9c">Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invite wording. Father not invited but wants to contribute : I agree with this post 100% Weddings are a time to come together as a family. Obviously he hasn't done anything horrible since you're considering accepting his money. I know this post isn't about whether or not you'll allow him to attend but maybe you should think about how you would feel if your dad dies in 5, 10 or however many years. Would you regret deciding not to invite him to your wedding? For a lot of fathers, their daughters wedding day is one of the proudest days of their lives. 
Posted by Vandelay007[/QUOTE]

I don't agree.

Don't use your wedding to "try to be the bigger person" if a relationship is already bad.   Instead, minimize the stress by saving the relationship issues for after the wedding-assuming they can be dealt with then.  If, say, your father suddenly gets in touch after 20 years of complete silence just before the wedding, that's not the occasion to invite him.

"Bringing people together" even when there isn't anything major can be very stressful-so when there's also a big event going on, say a wedding, that adds that much more stress to an already difficult situation...with absolutely no guarantee that whatever "benefits" you get out of it will continue after the wedding, and it can even make it hurt that much more should it not happen.  You might actually regret inviting a relative to your wedding if doing so doesn't make the issues go away or least clear the ground enough to discuss them.

NikkiJNR

Okay, thank you to those people who commented not on my relationship with my father but on the actual question that I asked. You have helped me decide.

for all of those that are commenting on my relationship with my father.
First of all, it is none of your business what the reason he is not invited is, but since some of you are being extremely rude, I will say something.
He did not molest me, but that does not mean I don't have really really good reasons for not having him there. He hasn't been much a part of my life from grade 2-12.  My parents divorced and my sister and I were not allowed to be alone with him unless our brothers were present. So you can draw your own conclusions as to why that is.

Also, the wedding is being held at the FI parents place, and they are not comfortable having him there. If I was to invite him, then they would feel obligated to tell close family members with children about his past. (which i'm sure would make him extremely uncomfortable wondering if the parents were watching him the whole time)

Yes, his offer to contribute did come after he already knew he was not invited. I did not say that I was going to accept.