Can we do this?

radleyboo

Hi all-

FI and I are planning a smaller, family-oriented wedding with just close family and one friend each in our bridal party.  We are having the ceremony and reception at a restaurant on a lake, which will wrap earlier than later, probably by 9.  This is a second wedding for us, we are paying for the whole enchilada, so we just can't afford to feed 200 people, nor do we want a big wedding.

What I'd like to do is invite our friends (and any of our family members who'd care to join us) at a different bar after the ceremony to have a drink with us and relax.  What we won't be able to do is afford a bar tab for 100 people.  One friend of mine gave me the idea to send out 'Crash Our Wedding' invitations directing people to meet us for a post-nuptual drink.  Everyone knows that this will be a small, family affair, so most people are not expecting wedding invitations.  I'd still like the chance to see some of my friends that night.

How do we go about this?  Can we even do this without it being tacky? Would people expect the tab to be covered? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

msuprincess04

There's really no way to do this without being rude. You are essentially having a tiered wedding where your friends are not invited to your ceremony, but can meet you out afterwards. There are bound to be some bad feelings about that. Plus, if you send out any kind of invitation, then you are playing hostess and are expected to pay for them.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-we-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5eb8647a-0930-4fc3-b936-018c74d395d5Post:e8913f9c-a6f7-4692-ae59-0d06367b078b">Can we do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all- FI and I are planning a smaller, family-oriented wedding with just close family and one friend each in our bridal party.  We are having the ceremony and reception at a restaurant on a lake, which will wrap earlier than later, probably by 9.  This is a second wedding for us, we are paying for the whole enchilada, so we just can't afford to feed 200 people, nor do we want a big wedding. What I'd like to do is invite our friends (and any of our family members who'd care to join us) at a different bar after the ceremony to have a drink with us and relax.  What we won't be able to do is afford a bar tab for 100 people.  One friend of mine gave me the idea to send out 'Crash Our Wedding' invitations directing people to meet us for a post-nuptual drink.  Everyone knows that this will be a small, family affair, so most people are not expecting wedding invitations.  I'd still like the chance to see some of my friends that night. How do we go about this?  Can we even do this without it being tacky? Would people expect the tab to be covered? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Posted by radleyboo[/QUOTE]


Nope.  The "crash our wedding" invitations are tacky.  No way around it.  And an invitation = hosting.

The only way you can possibly do what you are planning without being super rude and having people with hurt feelings, is to have a very close, immediate family only wedding/reception and then just go out after and let it spread by word of mouth that "the couple had a family only wedding and will be at X bar later tonight to celebrate". 

radleyboo

Our friends know that this is a family-only wedding, there will only be about 40 people there, all immediate family with the exception of one friend who stands up for each of us.  Everyone we've spoken to about it has understood and been extremely gracious, or at least kept any hurt feelings to themselves.  The only grief I've had has been from my Mom, and I've been able to tell her 'no' thus far, thankfully.  Sorry Mom, the uncle I've seen two times in two decades isn't exactly what I'd call 'close' family.  He's not coming.   

I appreciate the words of advice, looks like we'll need to start setting aside some money for cocktails with friends afterward.

s-aries8990

Can you rent a hospitality suite/ party room in a local hotel? Usually you can provide your own alcohol for those. Just a thought....

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-we-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5eb8647a-0930-4fc3-b936-018c74d395d5Post:50091882-0a93-4baf-bb1a-2663633075ba">Re: Can we do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Our friends know that this is a family-only wedding, there will only be about 40 people there, all immediate family with the exception of one friend who stands up for each of us.  Everyone we've spoken to about it has understood and been extremely gracious, or at least kept any hurt feelings to themselves.  The only grief I've had has been from my Mom, and I've been able to tell her 'no' thus far, thankfully.  Sorry Mom, the uncle I've seen two times in two decades isn't exactly what I'd call 'close' family.  He's not coming.    I appreciate the words of advice, looks like we'll need to start setting aside some money for cocktails with friends afterward.
Posted by radleyboo[/QUOTE]

Again, just because no one is telling you that you are rude to your face, doesn't mean you are being rude.  And even your friends who understand your situation and are being gracious, doesn't mean it's not a major breach of etiquette.  I guess I just look at it like this. You already know what you are doing is on the rude side, or you wouldn't be asking the question here.  So, why do you really need one of your friends or family to say to your face "Hey Radleyboo, you are being horribly rude" before you rethink your plans?

Basically, what you are doing is a tiered reception.  Even though the drinks/dancing at the bar later is not an "official" part of your reception, you are inviting them to a wedding related event.  Wedding related events should really be an all or nothing thing.  Invite to one of the events, means an invite to all. 

My only suggestion is to do the "drinks" on a different night. The following Saturday?  "Hey everyone, we are going to be at x bar on Saturday to celebrate our recent marriage. We hope you can join us".  

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-we-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5eb8647a-0930-4fc3-b936-018c74d395d5Post:b08b801d-e9fe-4840-b187-4dd6f2941d3f">Re: Can we do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why don't you just spread the word via word of mouth that you will be hanging out at X bar after the ceremony?  That way, it's not a hosted event or officially part of the wedding.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Yup, this.  I don't have a problem with you going to a bar afterwards with your friends - it's the invitation that's a problem.  Spread the info by word of mouth.  Once you print up an invitation, you are definitely hosting the event.  But, if you just tell people "Hey!  We'll be here!" then you are free and clear from hosting duties.

TheVirginians

Go to the bar, wear your dress, and have a great time! Just don't do invitations. Use word of mouth.

radleyboo

Ok, final clarification:

We are having our wedding and a dinner for immediate family only at a restaurant next summer.  It is a second wedding, and for us, the focus is the joining our our families.  The guest list is about 40 people, give or take.  We are not sure on the 'exact' start time yet, but I imagine the wedding might be around 5 pm, very short (under 30 minutes) after which we will all immediately move to the deck or inside for dinner.  That's why I'm anticipating an early end to the evening.  We're not doing a big dance-party reception, just a meal with our closest family.  End of story. 

Any friends who have mentioned it, and extended family too, have all been told, 'This is a small wedding, and we are only inviting immediate family.'  I don't think it's rude to draw clear lines, have boundaries, and stick to them. We have a budget, and anyone who is not immediate family is not being invited to the wedding.

I have been invited to a number of post-wedding parties for different types of weddings much like ours.  Small weddings with only family, and a larger gathering for friends later, post-destination wedding BBQs, etc.  I've been invited to last-minute weddings a week before the date.  Once I was even invited to a post-wedding campout where after a small family wedding, friends came to the family property, pitched tents, and stayed all night to celebrate.  My feelings have never been hurt by this, nor when I've been left out entirely because the bride and groom have a budget.  It's their day after all, and if they want to get married in the middle of the Australian outback with only a goat and Motley Crue as witnesses, God bless them.  

My thought was that FI and I will be heading someplace afterward, after the kids have gone home to bed and the reception has wrapped up, so perhaps then friends would like to join us.  My concern was the proper way to invite them.  If paper isn't the way to go, fine.  FI and I thought about doing the 'spread the word' kind of thing that StageManager suggested.  Perhaps we'll just stick with that.  

radleyboo

Joy2611, StageManager, and va4Ryans, thank you. 

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-we-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5eb8647a-0930-4fc3-b936-018c74d395d5Post:ca392d6e-507e-45c1-a460-b1a803948a10">Re: Can we do this?</a>:
[QUOTE] FI and I thought about doing the 'spread the word' kind of thing that StageManager suggested.  Perhaps we'll just stick with that.  
Posted by radleyboo[/QUOTE]

Yup, yup.  All good.

Enjoy!

cwaggoner07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-we-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5eb8647a-0930-4fc3-b936-018c74d395d5Post:7597ac02-2440-4802-a4a7-0121ff886416">Re: Can we do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can we do this? : Yup, yup.  All good. Enjoy!
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

I fourth all of this. Have fun!

AimeeRab

I like the "spread the word" idea. Two of my extended family members had an "immediate family only" wedding, and to this day, I at least wish I could have seen them on the day in some way. I'd gladly have met up with them after to celebrate and pay my own way rather than having no memories of their marriage at all.

shanliann

you could do facebook for invites

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-we-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5eb8647a-0930-4fc3-b936-018c74d395d5Post:b227b651-6deb-463d-abbb-186d48377667">Re: Can we do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]you could do facebook for invites
Posted by shanliann[/QUOTE]

I would not do this for a few reasons. One is that it is still an invitation, FB or not. An invitation = hosting. Secondly I wouldn't put up anything wedding-related like this on FB unless you don't mind your friends inviting friends inviting friends of friends, which is common and easy to do with those FB event type things.

OP, It sounds like you came up with a good plan. Stick to word of mouth and skip any type of invitation at all.

aquari0216

I don't c a problem with it...esp when u don't have alot of money to spend....i do agree with the word of mouth and Facebook invites....however if u do decide to send invites...make them less formal, "come out and hang" invites....i don't really see where they have to expect it all to be on u...if that was the case they'd be invited to the wedding...

stantokm

Definitely do the word of mouth thing.  Friends of mine got married a couple years ago and it was just immediate family and they hosted them at their tiny townhouse for the reception.  Our group of friends REALLY wanted to see them get married, but we understood why they were having an intimate gathering.  If we'd had the opportunity to join them for drinks later on, we would have loved that and not been bothered by not being invited to the reception.