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Future BIL's Wife Question

Im just going to be blunt here...some of you will probably read this and say "there are other trival things to worry about" but Im asking to really see the different answers I will get from the many different people on here. Maybe some who have been in the same position or maybe some who just think "what if that was me" - Im hoping to find something that works

When I met my now fiance - at the time I was friends with his Brothers wife though another friend...While she was consoling me though some stuff I was going though...She was also talking to my fiance and telling him what a friend steeler that I am, how "bat-s*it crazy" I am and how much of a drama queen that I am. She told him that he shouldnt get involved with me because she thinks it would be bad. All around very two-faced behaviour. Once we did get together...he droped her because he HATED how she treated me. So that was that. He or I havent spken to her in about 1 year and Im honestly not entirely sure that his brother (her husband) even knew what went on.

No its my wedding and I really dont want her there. I dont know why I should have to put up with someone who really treated me badly yet smiled to my face pretending everything is OK. However...we would want his Brother there.

I dont know what answers Im going to get but is there a tactful way to invite his brother and not his wife...OR do we just not invite either.

Thank you all for the help <3

Re: Future BIL's Wife Question

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-bils-wife-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5ed60fef-f332-4573-8970-06405122e947Post:fe71f355-e7eb-489d-9765-9b6ab263014a">Future BIL's Wife Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Im just going to be blunt here...some of you will probably read this and say "there are other trival things to worry about" but Im asking to really see the different answers I will get from the many different people on here. Maybe some who have been in the same position or maybe some who just think "what if that was me" - Im hoping to find something that works When I met my now fiance - at the time I was friends with his Brothers wife though another friend...While she was consoling me though some stuff I was going though...She was also talking to my fiance and telling him what a friend steeler that I am, how "bat-s*it crazy" I am and how much of a drama queen that I am. She told him that he shouldnt get involved with me because she thinks it would be bad. All around very two-faced behaviour. Once we did get together...he droped her because he HATED how she treated me. So that was that. He or I havent spken to her in about 1 year and Im honestly not entirely sure that his brother (her husband) even knew what went on. No its my wedding and I really dont want her there. I dont know why I should have to put up with someone who really treated me badly yet smiled to my face pretending everything is OK. However...we would want his Brother there. I dont know what answers Im going to get but is there a tactful way to invite his brother and not his wife...OR do we just not invite either. Thank you all for the help <3
    Posted by alysamarie84[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is a no-brainer. She is the wife of someone you are inviting. You have to invite her. If you don't want her there, then don't invite either of them, but if this is your fiance's BROTHER, be prepared for fallout from that.</div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    First of all, I'm sorry that happened to you. It's just in general sh*tty. However, she is going to be family soon, so maybe it's time for you two to talk it over. Does she know that you're aware of all her two-faced behavior? Sadly, there isn't a tactful way to invite your future BIL and not invite his wife. They're a social unit and must be invited together. Furthermore, that probably wouldn't help your situation at all, and you've got a lifetime ahead of seeing her at family events. Just think about it like this: you're hardly going to see her on your wedding day. It'll be a whirlwind! I'm also curious as to how your FI would feel about not inviting his brother to his wedding?
    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-bils-wife-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5ed60fef-f332-4573-8970-06405122e947Post:ff104dde-7edb-437e-a4fd-ea1b0206dea6">Re: Future BIL's Wife Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Future BIL's Wife Question : This is a no-brainer. She is the wife of someone you are inviting. You have to invite her. If you don't want her there, then don't invite either of them, but if this is your fiance's BROTHER, be prepared for fallout from that.
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]



    This.

     

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    You have decide what you want more- the brother there or not. If you don't invite his wife and he has any respect for her, he will not attend. That question shouldn't be answered by you, but your FI.

    And don't push him on anything, he will end up resenting your for straining his relationship with his brother because of some petty girl drama.
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    itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Well, since it is your FI's brother, it is his decision if he wants his brother there. Not yours.

    That being said, if your FI chooses to invite his brother, his wife must absolutely be invited. No questions asked.
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    Ditto Addie. You have to invite both or neither.  However, since this is your fiance's immediate family (and I assume your FI wants his brother to come), I wouldn't even consider not inviting them.  You won't even notice she's there, I promise.
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
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    To answer the one question most people have asked: My fiance hate his Brothers wife as well. Because of how she treated me and neither of us want her there which is why I was asking the board. And he isnt worried about the strain on his relationship with his brother because he has his own life and his brother has his...There is no "bromance" between those two.
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    itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    My DH can't stand his brother's wife. She's done some not-so-awesome things to the family. It was still never a question that they would be invited. Because it is his brother...and that is his wife.

    The mature thing to do is invite them, but again, it's up to your FI not you.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-bils-wife-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5ed60fef-f332-4573-8970-06405122e947Post:95d386af-eb5d-48e1-b781-e3f6ee66853e">Re: Future BIL's Wife Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]To answer the one question most people have asked: My fiance hate his Brothers wife as well. Because of how she treated me and neither of us want her there which is why I was asking the board. And he isnt worried about the strain on his relationship with his brother because he has his own life and his brother has his...There is no "bromance" between those two.
    Posted by alysamarie84[/QUOTE]

    Yes they might not be close, but they will always be brothers and family is family. Wouldn't this upset FMIL and FFIL??  I think you just need to be the bigger, more mature person and suck it up. Plus look at it this way, if it wasn't for her you wouldn't have met!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    If you invite Brother and not his wife, you're just proving her right you are a selfish drama queen. Does FI have a relationship with his parents? Will they be hurt? I really think it's time to grow up and get over this. You don't need to love the girl, just be civil at family events and move on.
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    Unfortunately if you want the brother to be a part of your lives for your wedding and going forward, you'll have to invite her & learn how to tolerate her else it's going to make for stressful holiday & family functions for the rest of your lives together. You both know she can't be trusted so just limit what you discuss with her or near her. But don't punish the brother for what his wife did.

    What matters in the end that despite what she did, you two ended up together & will be married shortly. So nothing she does can ruin what you have or your special day. But not inviting her and/or the brother will have an impact. So invite & you can consider it a "see you were wrong about us"  moment
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    You're going to have to invite BOTH of them if you don't want to cut ties with his brother AND likely his entire immediate family.

    Suck it up for a day - you probably won't even notice she's there.  She may also even surprise you by not being a jerk :)
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
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    It's always the best choice to take the high road.

    Failing that, it's always best to follow etiquette.

    Both the high road and etiquette dictate that you invite both together.  You can't invite just the brother.  Seriously - you can't.
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    I totally understand where you're coming from here. FBIL's wife has kept their children from my FILs (who are awesome grandparents to their other grandchildren), and basically kept FI away from his family. (we've seen him 2x in the last 2 years and we live in the same city) That being said FBIL is a big boy and if he wanted to have a relationship with his family, he would. She actually said that she didn't like that I was too interested in her children, keep in mind I work with children. She will never be happy with anything and is generally a miserable person. Regardless, both of them and their children will be invited to our wedding. It will remain to be seen if they all come, I'm banking on just FBIL coming. We'll see.

     

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    Do what makes you and FI happy.  Just be willing to live with the repercussions.
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    Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with PP. This is your FI's BROTHER. And you said yourself that you don't think he even knew what happened. Imagine how he would feel if a.) he wasn't invited due to drama he didn't even know about, or b.) he was invited and his wife wasn't.

    She is going to be your family too, whether you like it or not, so it's in your best interest to just play nice. You most likely won't be spending any time with her at the wedding, and you will be the bigger person for just letting it go. 

    That being said, I understand that your feelings were hurt, and she certainly wasn't in the right to bad mouth you behind your back. Regardless, I wouldn't want to be the cause of any family drama, even I wasn't the one in the wrong in the first place. 

    Bottom line, invite both of them and call it a day. It won't ruin your wedding day. 
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    She sounds awful. If you don't invite her, there's a good chance there will be a huge fallout between your Fi and his brother. If your fiance is okay with that, then there you go. I honestly think the longterm ramifications of not inviting her aren't worth it. Not only could it alter his relationship with his brother, but their parents could get involved, too. And if she's as manipulative as you say, they are not going to take your side. The rest of his family and his friends, too.
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    I had a similar situation, except it involved an immediate (blood) relative on my side. I really didn't want her there, but I invited her to make my parents happy and keep the peace. Honestly, sometimes it's just easier to avoid the confrontation and you'll come off looking like the bigger person anyway. As PP have said, you will most likely spend very little time with your FSIL at the wedding. You can say, "Hi. Thank you for coming," be polite, and that's it. But if you plan to invite FBIL, you must invite her, too. Good luck!
    Anniversary
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    She does sound awful, but I don't really see it as a reason not to invite her.  Especially since you even admit your BIL might not even know.   Poor guy would be blindsided why he is not invited to his own brother's wedding.  And you are putting him a position to pick his wife over you.   Guess who should win that battle.

    Look I don't like my SIL.  I don't think she is good for my brother, I think she is a little cray-cray. But I tolerate her because she is my brother's wife.   She is not my BFF.  I rarely talk to her, certainly do not confide in her but for the sake of my brother, his family and "the family" I just deal with her when I have to be.  Being a part of my niece and nephews lives is way more important to me.  

    She has not physically hurt you, stolen from you or anything like that.    Grow-up a little realize sometimes you have to deal with people you don't like sometimes for the sake of the greater good.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-bils-wife-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5ed60fef-f332-4573-8970-06405122e947Post:cd8a429a-cab6-418b-94e2-b6d84dc21dc8">Re: Future BIL's Wife Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future BIL's Wife Question : Yes they might not be close, but they will always be brothers and <strong>family is family</strong>. Wouldn't this upset FMIL and FFIL??  I think you just need to be the bigger, more mature person and suck it up. Plus look at it this way, if it wasn't for her you wouldn't have met!
    Posted by rel1988[/QUOTE]

    Wrong. Shared DNA is never an acceptable excuse to be treated like crap. If her FI wants to cut his brother out of his life completely and not invite him to the wedding, he's well within his rights to do that. Also, anybody who is still concerned with making mommy and daddy mad needs to re-evaluate whether or not they're mature enough to be getting married.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-bils-wife-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5ed60fef-f332-4573-8970-06405122e947Post:ea860d5e-0fe7-4d0e-b14b-a2bb9e788384">Re: Future BIL's Wife Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future BIL's Wife Question : Wrong. Shared DNA is never an acceptable excuse to be treated like crap. If her FI wants to cut his brother out of his life completely and not invite him to the wedding, he's well within his rights to do that.<strong> Also, anybody who is still concerned with making mommy and daddy mad needs to re-evaluate whether or not they're mature enough to be getting married.</strong>
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    I do not completely I agree with you.  Sure sometimes your thinking is correct. 

     Just because I care enough about my parents being  able enjoy time  with all their kids and grandkids together does not make me immature.  Actually, I think it's the opposite.  When I see their faces and the joy they have when we are all together as one family I know that sucking up for a few hours/days/even a week one time was well worth the sacrifice.   






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    If you invite your BIL, you have to invite his wife. Be the bigger person and invite her. Not inviting her will just give her more ammunition to use against you.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    You can do whatever you wish with the invites, but be prepared for the consequences.  Not inviting the brother, or trying to split the couple will give them ammunition and proof of what a mean person  you are (wether you are or not), and will cause drama for years to come.

    I personally wouldn't think it as worth my time and future heartburn.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

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    Look...girls get b*tchy sometimes.  When I was first dating FI, his brother had just gotten engaged to, my opinion at the time, the Wicked Witch.  She convinced his brother to try and get him to break up with me, told him I was "invited" but they would prefer he leave me at home, got my best friend to be hers and the SIL worked to end the relationship on the end of my FI, and my former friend tried to tell me all sorts of horrible (madeup) things about my FI.  She called me names to my face, and lied to the boys' parents about who was paying for what for the wedding, and handed people bills like it was the most obvious thing in the world that they should be paying them.  

    But you let bygones be bygones.  People grow.  People sometimes deserve to be forgiven.  My SIL is now a bridesmaid, and her daughter is our flower girl.  This sounds like years ago.  Have you spoken to her and tried to clear the air?

    **Disclaimer**clearing the air is NOT bringing up the past and arguing over who is right or wrong.  It's having a chat at Starbucks to see how things go between the two of you as adults.  
    image

    Previously Alaynajuliana


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    I agree with Liatris. Invite her but be cordial but you definitely don't have to be friends. If she ever brings it up and asks why you act a certain way with her than share your true feelings, but other than that take it as a lessonlearned and don't talk to her about anything personal.
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    sounds like a real pill - but it's all or nothing w/ married couples. You'll see her for 2 mins, tops.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-bils-wife-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5ed60fef-f332-4573-8970-06405122e947Post:fe71f355-e7eb-489d-9765-9b6ab263014a">Future BIL's Wife Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Im just going to be blunt here...some of you will probably read this and say "there are other trival things to worry about" but Im asking to really see the different answers I will get from the many different people on here. Maybe some who have been in the same position or maybe some who just think "what if that was me" - Im hoping to find something that works When I met my now fiance - at the time I was friends with his Brothers wife though another friend...While she was consoling me though some stuff I was going though...She was also talking to my fiance and telling him what a friend steeler that I am, how "bat-s*it crazy" I am and how much of a drama queen that I am. She told him that he shouldnt get involved with me because she thinks it would be bad. All around very two-faced behaviour. Once we did get together...he droped her because he HATED how she treated me. So that was that. He or I havent spken to her in about 1 year and Im honestly not entirely sure that his brother (her husband) even knew what went on. No its my wedding and I really dont want her there. I dont know why I should have to put up with someone who really treated me badly yet smiled to my face pretending everything is OK. However...we would want his Brother there. I dont know what answers Im going to get but is there a tactful way to invite his brother and not his wife...OR do we just not invite either. Thank you all for the help <3
    Posted by alysamarie84[/QUOTE]

    You must invite her.. if you do NOT, the "drama queen" business will come true about you. Nobody will fault her, they will blame YOU for being rude and stirring the pot.

    If you love your fiance, you wouldn't want to alienate his brother from him. by NOT inviting his wife, you will create a potential huge rift between your fiance and his brother which will probably come to backfire on YOU.

    I would let her come cuz chances are you will barely see her all night anyhow
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-bils-wife-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5ed60fef-f332-4573-8970-06405122e947Post:05dc59e3-0fc9-401b-a1bc-b4f2abfcbd7f">Re: Future BIL's Wife Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, I think you just need to let it go. You think she is two-faced, well now you know, and you don't have to confide in her/be her friend anymore. Fine. She is the wife of the groom's brother, so she needs to be invited. Asking your FI to exclude his brother because you don't like his wife is very extreme, and will make you look like a controlling b*tch.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]



    I agree with Liatris entirely. You know this woman is a b. you know she is two faced. Regardless of both you and FI's opinion of her, they must both be invited. Fortunately, you do not have to spend any time with her truly. Even if she was at the rehearsal dinner, you would not have to really engage with her in any way.
    If you do not invite her, you will look like the petty, crazy person - and it sounds like she'd LOOOVVEE to be able to spin it that way. The nasty drama will be all on you two if you don't invite her, she will make sure of it. And you will, unfortunately, come out looking like the bad guy.
    "Always be kinder than you think is necessary, for you never know what personal battles people are fighting."
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-bils-wife-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5ed60fef-f332-4573-8970-06405122e947Post:b19a9e31-10f3-455e-9db0-32b377aac75e">Re: Future BIL's Wife Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future BIL's Wife Question : I do not completely I agree with you.  Sure sometimes your thinking is correct.   Just because I care enough about my parents being  able enjoy time  with all their kids and grandkids together does not make me immature.  Actually, I think it's the opposite.  When I see their faces and the joy they have when we are all together as one family I know that sucking up for a few hours/days/even a week one time was well worth the sacrifice.   
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]



    Well said.
    "Always be kinder than you think is necessary, for you never know what personal battles people are fighting."
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