Is this a bad idea? Gifts...

cmp121811

So, my mother does not have money to contribute to the wedding, pretty much at all.  I don't care, I've known this for forever.  My mom has expressed many times how guilty she feels that she doesn't have the money to pay for things, especially since my FI's parents are contributing a decent bit.  I'm thinking about asking my mom for little things for the wedding for my birthday and Christmas over the next two years so she feels like she's helping.  Do you think this is a good idea or would this just make her feel worse?  What are some things I could ask her for?  Like the guest book or my veil maybe?

SB1512

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-a-bad-idea-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5efb800b-fdb8-4ddc-868e-a7de99b34827Post:3f4ae1fa-61be-4aea-80d8-511bd827f11c">Re: Is this a bad idea? Gifts...</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you generally make lists of gift options for your mother for holidays like this?  If so, I think adding some small wedding stuff like the guestbook on there ALONG WITH non-wedding things.  But if you don't normally make specific gift requests like that, then I wouldn't do it with the wedding stuff.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Agree with this.  Every year for my birthday and christmas my mom always asks for a list.  My parents are already contributing to the wedding, but if they weren't, it wouldn't be weird for me to ask for small wedding items like a veil or guestbook.  But you should def put stuff on the list that isn't wedding stuff, or items that can be dual purpose.......maybe you have found jewelry you want to wear for the wedding but would also wear after the wedding?  That could be something to ask for. 

itzMS

I don't think I would ask for anything specific. What happens if you change your mind, and don't end up using the item she saved up to purchase for you? Two years is a long time, and tastes/styles change.

OliveOilsMom

This was the exact same situation, except with my MIL.  I kept her informed of everything going on and if she mentioned that she felt bad she couldn't help.  I would always say that she's being silly and I don't want her to worry about the money stuff.  My H would chime in with something as well.  She came dress shopping with me, visited reception venues with us, she allowed my BM to host my shower in her home, etc.  She was involved but didn't spend any money.  I also listened to her ideas when she had them for the wedding.

cmp121811

Well, we've actually already been engaged for almost a year, it's just now that we've really started planning, so me and my mom have already has the wedding on our minds for a while. My mom does usually ask for a list, so I don't know, is there anything that wouldn't change much over 2 years? I personally don't think I could care less what a guest book looks like, so I thought that was a safe bet. It's weird because she wants to help but she's reluctant to give her opinion on anything because she's not paying for it. We just looked at our first reception hall and she wouldn't say a thing one way or the other when she looked at the pictures, besides asking me how much it costs.

LondonLisa

I dont want to be presumptious about you asking for help, but since it is your mother and she is feeling guilty about not being able to give more, how about instead of giving money, maybe she can give some her time?  Does she have a nice necklace or pair of earings she can loan you for the rehearsal dinner or ceremony?  What about a brooch that you can incorporate into the handle of your bouquet. Does she sew? If so, could she sew your new initials in blue into a hankercheif for the ceremony and your "something blue".

Does she like reading or poetry? Maybe she could help you pick out some readings. Music? Maybe she could assist with hymns.

Or, have her help if you are doing DIY.  You could ask her if you could come over to hers for dinner one night since you are stressed about the wedding and she could cook your favourite meal from childhood.

Obviously, do not overwhelm her with tasks (these are just some ideas and certainly don't suggest them all!) and I know asking for help is an ettiquite no-no. However,  I just know that my Mum loves to feel needed and if she couldn't give money, she would want to feel that she helped in some way. If she gets excited about one of these, you could highlight how much money she is helping you save by not having to buy earrings, or pay a seamstress to embroider etc.

Hope it works out.

Jen4948

If your mother doesn't want to help with money, you might ask if she could help in other ways.  She could accompany you when you meet with vendors, choose a dress or venue, loan you something for the day, or something like that.  It really depends on how involved she wants to be at all.  But if she says no altogether, I think you'll need to drop it.

emeejeeayen

Given that this is something similar to what I've dealt with with my mom, I would suggest that if she brings up her guilt again you can tell her that if she feels like buying you anything for any upcoming holidays or birthdays, you'd prefer they be wedding centric. You can just say something like, "Mom, you have no reason to feel guilty, but if it's really important to you that you're able to contribute, I would be really appreciative if you could get me XYZ items for birthdays and holidays." Maybe there is even something she could collect in a way? (This is just a for instance:) I've seen some brides who have tea party themes and they collect vintage teacups from thrift stores and flea markets. Maybe there's an inexpensive but abundantly-needed item that she could be in charge of collecting? 

MJandDL

Since you normally give her a list, I don't think it's a bad idea. That way she can spot the things she purchased at the wedding and know that she contributed, since that is bothering her. But yes, I would be very careful about what you ask her to buy because if you change your mind about it, that would be even worse! Some ideas - the signing frame (if you are having one), a vase to put your bouquet in, your garter, cake topper. I also agree that you should include her as much as possible. Maybe you could put her in charge of collecting your something old, new, borrowed and blue. Ask her to help with things like addressing the invitations and stress how big of a help it is and how grateful you are. Avoid talking/stressing/venting about money in her presence because it will only make her feel worse.