Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?

andra loves andre

My grandmother and aunt informed us today, 9 months before the wedding (before we even sent out invites), of the following:

Hi,

We are informing you that we will not be attending the wedding. My son might have a test on that date [wedding in on a Saturday, my cousin is in gr 8], and we can't risk him not getting a good mark. We will do the obligatory thing and send a cash gift, as is our duty. But that is all.

-Aunt.

I tried extending the olive branch a ton of times (after my aunt called me a wh*re when i was 12, stole money from my dad, tried to bribe him to divorce my mom), but clearly it's not working. We keep trying to forgive them and move on but they're still acting completely uninterested in being a part of this family.

I'm so turned off by them that I don't even want their money. How can I give it back in a firm way that isn't super rude (my problem is no longer offending them, but I don't want to hurt my father even more. And he's super hurt by how they've been acting).

Thanks for the advice!

lyndausvi

Honestly, I would just take the money (assuming it would even come considering their history).

SmallenForever

I would just write back something generic, like "we are so sorry you can't make it! Good luck to (son's name!). Wish you all the best." And never mention the money. If they send cash later, take it, write them a thank you note, and move on. I understand that you don't want their money, but there is no polite way to refuse it. 

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:6bc0f5ae-702e-4827-861c-59c07285f206">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I would just take the money (assuming it would even come considering their history).
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>I just feel... I don't know... "dirty" taking their money. I'm so hurt, I don't even know how to describe it :(</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:c126e932-6772-46e6-962a-b60bba2a48a0">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just write back something generic, like "we are so sorry you can't make it! Good luck to (son's name!). Wish you all the best." And never mention the money. If they send cash later, take it, write them a thank you note, and move on. I understand that you don't want their money, but there is no polite way to refuse it. 
Posted by SmallenForever[/QUOTE]

<div>I guess you're right. I really want to move on, but I just don't know how to. I feel like it's so unfortunate. Fh's grandparents have all passed, and they were such wonderful people. All mine are alive, and my dad's side wants nothing to do with us and could care less about me. It just feels like such a waste that things have to be this way :(</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:7a159929-04c5-4bc6-8f10-2529c9b04111">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I'm bitchy, so I'd send it back in an unmarked envelope.  I have no patience for douchenozzlry of that level, related to me or not. But if you're looking to AVOID drama, go with the other ladies' advice.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>the "douchenozzlry" made me giggle :) First time i've cracked a smile in hours, thanks! I fantasize about doing something like the envelope thing. My friend told me to donate it to a charity they'd hate and send the receipt lol! Ahhhh... if only I had the balls :( ANd if only it wouldn't disappoint my dad more. If it weren't for the respect I have for my father and his feelings, temptation to do something evil would definitely win over!</div>

divinemsbee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:2ffd4f7b-60ec-448c-b3f5-b3bcf7da048c">Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]My grandmother and aunt informed us today, 9 months before the wedding (before we even sent out invites), of the following: Hi, We are informing you that we will not be attending the wedding. My son might have a test on that date [wedding in on a Saturday, my cousin is in gr 8], and we can't risk him not getting a good mark. We will do the obligatory thing and send a cash gift, <strong>as is our duty</strong>. But that is all. -Aunt. I tried extending the olive branch a ton of times (after my aunt called me a wh*re when i was 12, stole money from my dad, tried to bribe him to divorce my mom), but clearly it's not working. We keep trying to forgive them and move on but they're still acting completely uninterested in being a part of this family. I'm so turned off by them that I don't even want their money. How can I give it back in a firm way that isn't super rude (my problem is no longer offending them, but I don't want to hurt my father even more. And he's super hurt by how they've been acting). Thanks for the advice!
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>That ping-ed me. A lot of my problems with my FMIL stem from words like that. I hate that whole line of thought. it makes it seem as though their money is totally expected by you and they guess they'll do it. Even if you really don't want or need it. Or would rather not have it just so you can write them off. The whole "duty" thing just seems so martyr-ish to me, and I cannot stand it. So very frustrating. Sorry if I'm reading too far into it, it just touched a big nerve with me. </div><div>
</div><div>I don't know a way to send it back that isn't rude-ish, but I think PP had a good idea to just write them a note something along the lines of "Sorry you can't make it" and just never mention the money to them. If they didn't send it yet, they might not at all. If they do, for your dad's sake, I'd just write them a thank you note and be done with it. If your dad didn't care, I'd probably send it back, because allowing people like that to continue to be the ones that "do their duty" gives them that place to stand on. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

SB1512

You could donate the money to a cause or charity you support.

katiewhompus

You could write back
"Well, anything can happen in 9 months, so we'll be sure to send you the obligatory invitation anyway in case his test is rescheduled!"

Seriously though, that sucks. I would just let it play out and worry in 9 months.

jessicabessica

I'd write back: "We'll miss you.  Hope your son does well on his exam, and please do not feel compelled to send us anything."  If they send it, just accept it, but I would not be able to ignore someone's comment that they were obligated to send me a gift (I would be pretty insulted).

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:d93bdbf2-4a71-4c87-a3a7-84dbd410e31a">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama? : I just feel... I don't know... "dirty" taking their money. I'm so hurt, I don't even know how to describe it :(
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I guess I'm greedy.       You get the bonus of not having to pay for people you really don't care about to attend your wedding and you might get some money out of it.   Win-win.</div><div>
</div><div>that said, considering their history, I doubt you will see the money anyway.  </div><div>
</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:4cc594bb-9490-4b8d-b0df-a9e1053c5a02">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama? : That ping-ed me. A lot of my problems with my FMIL stem from words like that. I hate that whole line of thought. it makes it seem as though their money is totally expected by you and they guess they'll do it. Even if you really don't want or need it. Or would rather not have it just so you can write them off. The whole "duty" thing just seems so martyr-ish to me, and I cannot stand it. So very frustrating. Sorry if I'm reading too far into it, it just touched a big nerve with me.  I don't know a way to send it back that isn't rude-ish, but I think PP had a good idea to just write them a note something along the lines of "Sorry you can't make it" and just never mention the money to them. If they didn't send it yet, they might not at all. If they do, for your dad's sake, I'd just write them a thank you note and be done with it. If your dad didn't care, I'd probably send it back, because allowing people like that to continue to be the ones that "do their duty" gives them that place to stand on. 
Posted by divinemsbee[/QUOTE]

<div>I'd like to say a big "YOU HIT THE NAIL RIGHT ON THE HEAD!" to eveything you wrote, especially the "duty" part. That part really stung me, too, likely because I thought about everything that you said. It was my first reaction, which is why I don't want their money. It's not their duty to send it, and it's not my obligation to accept it. </div><div>
</div><div>I doubt that they've sent money yet, and part of me doubts that they will at all. I really hope not. I'm so done with them that I really just don't want any links to them anymore. I'll deal with them if I have to for my dad's sake, but even then it'll be to be minimally polite.</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks so much for your advice and thoughts, it really helped me realize that I'm not nuts :)</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:1c1ff471-4c7e-4415-b1f5-8d70eb287e90">Re:Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]You could donate the money to a cause or charity you support.
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

<div>If they end up sending it, I might just do that. </div><div>
</div><div>Or do what fh said: buy toilet paper with it so u can wipe your @ss with their money! lol!</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:4d74c095-abb5-47d9-a6cb-71e7ba6232cb">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]You could write back "Well, anything can happen in 9 months, so we'll be sure to send you the obligatory invitation anyway in case his test is rescheduled!" Seriously though, that sucks. I would just let it play out and worry in 9 months.
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]

<div>I wish I had thought of that in the moment! That's genius! </div><div>
</div><div>It does suck, I just keep hoping for a better relationship with them and it's clearly not happening. For some reason, I didn't expect it to hurt this much :(</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:25df2e47-a9ae-473e-95fe-b16255e3a684">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd write back: "We'll miss you.  Hope your son does well on his exam, and please do not feel compelled to send us anything."  If they send it, just accept it, but I would not be able to ignore someone's comment that they were obligated to send me a gift (I would be pretty insulted).
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

<div>I think that's probably the most official and polite way to address the issue, thanks for the advice! And I was definitely insulted!</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:7c9d62d3-0c9a-4203-b86b-7456a693419e">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama? : I guess I'm greedy.       You get the bonus of not having to pay for people you really don't care about to attend your wedding and you might get some money out of it.   Win-win. that said, considering their history, I doubt you will see the money anyway.  
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>That's definitely a more positive way to think about it; I didn't think of it in that way! I hope your right hough, and that I won't see the money anyways. Knowing them, they'd probably transfer a penny to our accounts and tell us not to spend it all in one place. sigh.</div>

QueerFemme

I am certain I would respond with something that would cause drama, so you may not want to take my advice.  But, maybe a happy medium of telling them you dont' want their money and avoiding drama would be something like:

"tell little Tommy good luck on his test.  We'll miss seeing you at the wedding, and please don't feel obligated to send a gift.  Have a nice day". 

specialk84

You seem to attract drama.

divinemsbee

Andra--So right there. After FMIL threatened/told FI that she was going to cash out her and FFIL's retirement account and sell their house (prize comment: "I'll be fine, just don't leave your brother and dad homeless") so that FI and I could, and I quote, "have our little party," I know how it feels to have martyr relatives or almost relatives. It puts you in this impossible position, especially if you're trying to be there for someone you love at the same time (in my case, FI, in yours, your dad). 

Just deal with them as little as possible and take it as it comes. 

She didn't, by the way, actually follow through on any of that, because FI finally blew up at her and told her it was emotional blackmail of the highest degree and even if she gave us money we wouldn't take it. She backed down, for now. We're paying for the wedding and RD ourselves with some help from my family and it's just fine. Now we're just hoping his parents and brother show up. 

Matty143

Take the money and treat yourself to a pedicure or massage.
I received a gift from family I haven't seen, spoke to, or even exchanged Christmas cards with in years! I sure did keep it.

AceTT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:9faf75d9-f00c-4309-a906-562ebbfc0001">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama? : That's definitely a more positive way to think about it; I didn't think of it in that way! I hope your right hough, and that I won't see the money anyways. Knowing them, they'd probably transfer a penny to our accounts and tell us not to spend it all in one place. sigh.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]


Hold up. "Transfer a penny to our accounts"? How in the world would they have your account info to do that?

Knottie1450123632

im not as polite.  i would send a letter stating sorry you wont be here i cant believe an 8th grader takes tests on a sat please if you dont wanna come just have the balls to say i dont wish to attend dont give an excuse.  plus id say no need to feel OBLIGATED

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:548cf60b-6621-4d91-8e47-54a617778d86">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am certain I would respond with something that would cause drama, so you may not want to take my advice.  But, maybe a happy medium of telling them you dont' want their money and avoiding drama would be something like: "tell little Tommy good luck on his test.  We'll miss seeing you at the wedding, and please don't feel obligated to send a gift.  Have a nice day". 
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

<div>I think you're right about that happy medium, though fantasizing about a drama-starting piece is definitely entertaining and making me feel a bit better :)</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:73a495c2-00bb-4f8b-8417-e02c94781eb6">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]You seem to attract drama.
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

<div>I think if I learned to stand up for myself a bit more, I (hopefully) wouldn't. Part of me thinks people enjoy having a walk all over me. Sigh.</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:ce55d235-e981-4666-abab-23558d4aae22">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]Andra--So right there. After FMIL threatened/told FI that she was going to cash out her and FFIL's retirement account and sell their house (prize comment: "I'll be fine, just don't leave your brother and dad homeless") so that FI and I could, and I quote, "have our little party," I know how it feels to have martyr relatives or almost relatives. <strong>It puts you in this impossible position, especially if you're trying to be there for someone you love at the same time (in my case, FI, in yours, your dad).</strong>  Just deal with them as little as possible and take it as it comes.  She didn't, by the way, actually follow through on any of that, because FI finally blew up at her and told her it was emotional blackmail of the highest degree and even if she gave us money we wouldn't take it. She backed down, for now. We're paying for the wedding and RD ourselves with some help from my family and it's just fine. Now we're just hoping his parents and brother show up. 
Posted by divinemsbee[/QUOTE]

<div>You're so right about that impossible possition... it's the typical rock/hard place situation. Thanks so much for letting me know that I'm not the only one that deals with a bit of nuttiness in the family! I really hope his parents and brother show up :)</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:90446fa0-7f78-4633-b1f5-38eee87196ea">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]Take the money and treat yourself to a pedicure or massage. I received a gift from family I haven't seen, spoke to, or even exchanged Christmas cards with in years! I sure did keep it.
Posted by Matty143[/QUOTE]

<div>a pedicure does sound nice, especially after all this stress! hahah!</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:d508e101-ee20-437a-a23f-52d35502b634">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama? : Hold up. "Transfer a penny to our accounts"? How in the world would they have your account info to do that?
Posted by AceTT[/QUOTE]

<div>We transferred money to their account to buy my little cousin a horse for his birthday (he loves horse riding, so they "leased a horse in the country side for him... if that makes sense). I'm guessing they have our account info if we sent them money... but it's just a guess :S</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:6f6c21ec-ff20-4799-b121-50f503bcbc4e">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]im not as polite.  i would send a letter stating sorry you wont be here i cant believe an 8th grader takes tests on a sat please if you dont wanna come just have the balls to say i dont wish to attend dont give an excuse.  plus id say no need to feel OBLIGATED
Posted by southerncutie[/QUOTE]

<div>That's pretty much how I feel! The half-assed excuse just adds more sting :(</div>

AceTT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:159771a9-0794-4246-955e-477fb2638fc7">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama? : We transferred money to their account to buy my little cousin a horse for his birthday (he loves horse riding, so they "leased a horse in the country side for him... if that makes sense). I'm guessing they have our account info if we sent them money... but it's just a guess :S
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]


Got it :-) Just wanted to make sure you weren't going to be putting your account info on the invitations or anything like that. I've never seen it done but have read about it on TK.

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-there-a-way-to-refuse-a-gift-without-starting-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fbf1709-37e2-4643-bcc8-d7a4ded655e6Post:d244deb1-4fb5-4475-b5f5-da918c7cd402">Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is there a way to refuse a gift without starting drama? : Got it :-) Just wanted to make sure you weren't going to be putting your account info on the invitations or anything like that. I've never seen it done but have read about it on TK.
Posted by AceTT[/QUOTE]

<div>OMG that would be something lol! </div><div>
</div><div>"since we know putting registry info on the invites is rude, we decided to include our account numbers instead, so you can do your duty. Thanks!"</div><div>
</div><div>HAHAHHA!</div>

shanliann

id spend there money on lottery tickets. wouldn't that just warm there cold hearts.

"thanks for the check you sent of 50 bucks, we used to play the lottery and won 225,000"


i bet they'd want to be part of your family then!