Wedding Etiquette Forum

Engagement party?

I hope this is the right place to post this. Sorry in advance if this is a bit confusing.

 

I got engaged back in September and my FH and I decided that we would wait to plan anything until after I graduate (December 2009). So, when we told his mom that we were engaged she was excited and she said that she was going to throw us an engagement party. My fiance and I talked with her and we all decided that December would be a good time to throw a party since my family will be in town for my graduation (they are mainly from New York, Boston, and California). My FH’s family mainly lives in Georgia, where we live, and his mother said they could schedule anytime but since my family does not live close by my graduation time would be a perfect time for the party.

 

So, my mom and my FH’s mom were beginning to plan when my mom told me that my mother in law was being hesitant on planning anything. My mother in law and I have an excellent lady and we have a wonderful relationship so I was curious when my mom told me this. After speaking with my FH, he said that he was going to talk with his parents and figure out what was going on.

 

To make a long story short, his father is overly protective and felt like it was too soon to be planning an engagement party. He wasn’t onboard with the whole “engagement” part because it would only be about 3 months after we got engaged that we have a party and we don’t have any details yet. I can understand that since usually an engagement party is used to give details about the wedding. But the only reason myself and my family along with my FH felt December was a good time was because my family from out of town would all be here already. But his father refused to have any part in it and even after my family and my FH went to look at places to host the party. So, not wanting to cause any arguments within the family I decided to call the party off. My FH was giving me grief about how his father was acting and I didn’t want them to fight about it. 

 

So, we ended up not having a party when my family was here. I did end up graduating and having my family and friends with me was wonderful but I still was a bit saddened that we weren’t able to celebrate with my FH and his family.

 

Now that I am graduated and we have a general idea of when we want to get married (May 2011) everything is good and it seems like his father is getting more on board with the situation. I would still like to have an engagement party at some point but am unsure how and if I should bring it up. I do not want to be seen as pushy or trying to start anything. So I have been silent. 

 

I was wondering what other people have done. Have you had an engagement party? At what stage in the engagement has it happened?

 

It would be much appreciated for advice and tips on how I should approach it. Thanks so much for listening! 

Re: Engagement party?

  • You can introduce key people to one another without calling it an engagement party.

    PPs are correct.  Engagement parties are thrown FOR and not by you.  It's inappropriate etiquette to throw any party in honor of yourself actually (and it has nothing to do with presents).

    If someone does want to throw you an e-party, that's great. 

    In the meantime, just relax about it.

    Your FILs are incorrect about the purpose of the e-party but I wonder if they're up on the etiquette that those invited MUST be invited to the wedding (as is the case with any pre-wedding function).  Perhaps they want to make sure that all ducks are in a row before planning an event that can come back to hurt them with some harsh social repercussions.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-party-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fe605f6-b4c5-404c-a680-7ebe389eeb86Post:32d7a341-1565-4870-9cdc-9e578475c25d">Re: Engagement party?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We had an engagment party 3 months after we were engaged. For us it was a get together of our closest friends just to be excited about getting engaged. It's not a gift giving party (we still got a few, but we made sure tell people it's just a party, not about gifts at all, not like a shower). We had a potluck and since there were about 45 people there it worked out super well. We had tons of food leftover. Very laid back and casual.  I wouldn't throw an engagement party more than 5 months after your engagement, otherwise it looks like you want gifts.   Also I have no clue what difference all the background information you gave made to your question. Have a party, or dont. Just don't wait too much longer.
    Posted by mrsamyjones[/QUOTE]

    Whoa.  There are so many things wrong with this.

    1.  You don't throw you own party.
    2.  You don't ask guests to bring food.
    3.  You don't mention gifts, even if it's to say 'don't bring them'.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-party-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fe605f6-b4c5-404c-a680-7ebe389eeb86Post:e3e6b9f2-4011-4c6e-8cbc-65a01eea1985">Re: Engagement party?</a>:
    [QUOTE]ok, I already addressed the length thing so I don't think that needs to be brought up again. Not meaning to be rude. I think his parents view the party as a way of telling people about the wedding. Knowing now that may not necessarily be the case I don't think I can argue with them. It isn't my place to tell them it isn't always like that. I have been looking around at etiquette information and have learned a lot. As for gifts I don't want them. I looked at the party as just introducing the families.  
    Posted by stephs87[/QUOTE]

    Just an FYI Stephs, there's a major delay on the boards and seeing posts pop up, so people didn't see that others had already commented on the length. ;)

    Also, our parents didn't meet until the day of the wedding (no RD) and will probably never see each other again, since they live on opposite sides of the country and we live out of the country.  It's no biggie.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-party-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5fe605f6-b4c5-404c-a680-7ebe389eeb86Post:c6004750-bfb0-4041-a018-6982609ed4e9">Re: Engagement party?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement party? : Whoa.  There are so many things wrong with this. 1.  You don't throw you own party. 2.  You don't ask guests to bring food. 3.  You don't mention gifts, even if it's to say 'don't bring them'.
    Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

    ok, i gotta be more clear...

    1. We didn't throw our own party.
    2. The potluck wasn't my idea, and it worked out great. No one had a problem with it.
    3. We had people outright ask us where we were registered, and we told them that it was just a party. Come and have drinks and food.
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