Advice Mom said the wrong thing

ccarrion77

A few weeks ago my SIL/MOH started planning a bridal shower for me. I was really excited because we agree on just about everything so I knew I'd love what ever she planned. The problem is I just got off the phone with my mom and she told me about a conversation she had with my SIL right after we got engaged. SIL asked mom my if she was excited throw my shower. I know this is optional, I would of never made such an assumption.  Mom said oh no the only reason SIL's mom and my mom put on SILs shower was b/c all her BMs were still in college and broke, didn't know that at the time. Mom then told SIL it was her job to put on a shower for me... I disagree with this in a big way. No one is obligated to do a shower for me. So do I just let this go, do I apologize for my moms rudeness, some other option?? TIA for any advice. Sorry for any spelling errors, on my phone and spell check isn't available...

strlzfan11

If your SIL mentions anything to you about it being forced upon her I would apologize for your mom's rude behavior.  If she doesn't, I'd let it go, but reinforce how much you appreciate all she is doing for you.

lyndausvi

It looks like SIL made an assumpution also.   I would just let the 2 of them figure it out.

DelBride2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-mom-said-the-wrong-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:606c5ba3-0b81-412a-92d9-abbc39902701Post:1c90cc1a-4e6f-4200-b22f-d48d48d70886">Re: Advice Mom said the wrong thing</a>:
[QUOTE]It looks like SIL made an assumpution also.   I would just let the 2 of them figure it out.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
Yup. And, traditionally, the MOH is the one who spearheads pre-wedding parties. Not a wild assumption on the part of the mom. If my daughter's MOH asked me if I was excited about planning my daughter's shower, I'd probably have a similar reaction, because I would wonder if she was trying to shove the task off on me. 

NOLAbridealmost

Your role at this point is to express gratitude where it's due by thanking whoever ends up hosting it and stay out of everything else.  No need to lower yourself into the fray.  

ccarrion77

Thanks everyone!  I going to stay out of it unless it comes up again.  I'll make sure to get my SIL an awesome hostess gift for hosting when she didn't volunteer.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-mom-said-the-wrong-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:606c5ba3-0b81-412a-92d9-abbc39902701Post:9e05dc4b-1bdc-43c5-bcc4-1a65fedc7c24">Advice Mom said the wrong thing</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong> A few weeks ago my SIL/MOH started planning a bridal shower for me.</strong> I was .
Posted by ccarrion77[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Who plans a shower they didn't volunteer for?  I'm confused.  </div><div>
</div><div>Do you not see an issue with your SIL PLANNING a shower then asking your mom if she is excited to throw it?</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-mom-said-the-wrong-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:606c5ba3-0b81-412a-92d9-abbc39902701Post:35527588-d68e-4674-b007-dfb8a33514be">Re: Advice Mom said the wrong thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Advice Mom said the wrong thing : [QUOTE ] A few weeks ago my SIL/MOH started planning a bridal shower for me. I was . Posted by ccarrion77[/QUOTE] Who plans a shower they didn't volunteer for?  I'm confused.   Do you not see an issue with your SIL PLANNING a shower then asking your mom if she is excited to throw it?
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
The conversation between mom and SIL was right after OP became engaged, whereas SIL just started planning the shower a few weeks ago. 

ggirl2001

I think that MOH asked her mom right after she got engaged and her mom made the comment. It sounds like Mom didn't tell OP until recently about this convo. I'm guessing MOH took Mom's comment to heart and started planning the shower. 

andrea2473

I agree that you shouldn't stir the pot.   It stinks that SIL got boxed into it, but if she went along with it, I'm sure she's okay.    Your mom was mistaken in telling her that, but I can see where the misunderstanding happened.  Some people really think it's the MOH's job.   It sounds like everyone is cool with the outcome, so just ignore the faux pas.  

ccarrion77

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-mom-said-the-wrong-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:606c5ba3-0b81-412a-92d9-abbc39902701Post:ef27e2a3-9ca4-4892-8fec-f1d69fc246c6">Re: Advice Mom said the wrong thing</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that MOH asked her mom right after she got engaged and her mom made the comment. It sounds like Mom didn't tell OP until recently about this convo. I'm guessing MOH took Mom's comment to heart and started planning the shower. 
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

This, sorry if I wasn't clear.

I feel more like my mom told her plan the shower, rather than her volunteering.

lyndausvi

okay. Got it.

But still it seems like SIL assumed mom was going to throw it and that is wrong.  So basically they were both wrong.

Simply Fated

They both made assumptions, but it looks like your mom is the alpha. SIL didn't technically volunteer, so I feel bad for her. If anything, something should be said to the mom because HER comment had lasting results. Not that anything should be said because why open a can of worms?

Kristin789

Well, you're posting this on the Etiquette board, and the traditional, historical custom or etiquette is that the shower is planned by the MOH, assisted by the BMs.

Traditionally, moms did not host showers because that would look like a total gift grab:  "Hey come over and bring some big gifts for my daughter, please."  So when mothers DO help with a shower because of the reasons stated above, it's not really known by anyone else because it would look like a big gift grab.

So your mom is looking at this according to the usual etiquette and customs - which is what most people do most of the time.

Your MOH/SIL is looking at this the way she experienced a shower recently - which is not what most people do most of the time, but she didn't know that.

And you are being unusually militant about the whole thing.  You are right that no one OWES you a shower and that no one should be FORCED to give you a shower, but it's clear that your mom and your SIL really do want you to have a shower, and somehow that's going to happen.  You should take a deep breath and just let other people do what they do, and stop worrying about running interference and apologizing for this or that.  Concentrate on BRIDE things that you have to do, and appreciate what comes to you, no matter who had to do what to make it happen.