Guests only coming to ceremony

SmallenForever

Has anyone else had people tell them they'll come to the ceremony, but are unsure if they will come to the reception? I had eight people (a family with grown children) RSVP, only to tell me they'll decide the day of if they feel like "staying out late" for my reception (which ends at 8:30, so it's not late at all). Any advice on how to deal with this? It would be a huge deal for them to all back out and would cost me a lot of money and make my seating chart all wonky. 

AddieCake

It's annoying, but you just have to plan as if they will be there. We had 8 people RSVP that they were coming and then didn't show up. I would have loved to have saved the money on the extra food and centerpiece, but oh, well. 

freebread03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:71b9851f-b916-4f3b-a057-77a515be5b81">Re: Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]People, sadly, have no idea what it takes to plan/execute events (not just weddings).  I'd actually call them and tell them that your caterer needs a headcount and you need a yes/no.   
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  Tell them that unfortunately, because you have to give a headcount now, that you need a difinitive answer from them.  I'd say something along the lines of "We're so glad that you can make it to the ceremony, but I need to give a headcount to the caterer and ensure that we have enough food/drinks/seats for everyone at the reception, so I need to know if you will definitely be coming or not."</div>

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:449ed77f-0f21-42e2-9dd3-0376db1336c2">Re:Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell them you need to know if they will be staying for the reception by x date, and if they are not sure you will have to mark them as a no. They are being really inconsiderate and rude.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

<div>THIS.   Blame the caterer or the chair rental company if that makes you feel any better. </div>

mlg78

I would wait until about a week from the headcount date and call as it's been suggested and tell them that you need a firm answer as it's what the caterer requires (take the pressure off of you -- because it really IS the caterer's need!).  What a crappy thing for them to do!

misssunshine17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:449ed77f-0f21-42e2-9dd3-0376db1336c2">Re:Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell them you need to know if they will be staying for the reception by x date, and if they are not sure you will have to mark them as a no. They are being really inconsiderate and rude.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

<div>This. That is so rude.</div>

AddieCake

The thing is, though, that they can tell you they are coming and still not show up. That's what happened to me. So you still might end up planning/paying for them. 

Summer2011Bride

I agree with letting them know that you need a definite yes or no for the caterer. However, realize that even if they say yes, they may still back out. It sucks and it's rude, but people will do that and be oblivious to the fact you are wasting money.

NOLAbridealmost

I normally would not suggest this but because it's ONE group of 8, I'd even consider saying "I need a definite answer from you by X date because our caterer and venue need us to pay our final deposits based on the number of guests attending."

If they STILL say "yes" and then don't come, they can officially be on your sh*t-list forever.

miranda holly

I agree with PPs that they are rude, and you can ask for a specific yes/no and *blame* the food/chairs/seating etc.  But yes, they may back out even if they say yes.  My thought though, are all 8 of them coming in one vehicle?  Maybe some can/will stay later, and a couple may check out early.  It's weird they all think this is acceptable though!

rajahmd

I second what everyone else has said. I'd also like to add this: be gracious if they do decline entirely. I had to decline going to my (former) best friend's wedding this past fall. Her RSVP deadline was too far in advance (seven weeks before the wedding) for me to know my work schedule, so I said no rather than say yes and then not show up. She ended up getting so mad at me that she defriended me on Facebook and we haven't spoken since.

s-aries8990

Ditto PP's regarding calling them and blaming the vendors. I just wanted to add that I'm sorry they're being such a PITA.

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:6492998b-9e72-4816-987d-74dce2539617">Re: Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]I second what everyone else has said. I'd also like to add this: be gracious if they do decline entirely. I had to decline going to my (former) best friend's wedding this past fall. Her RSVP deadline was too far in advance (seven weeks before the wedding) for me to know my work schedule, so I said no rather than say yes and then not show up. She ended up getting so mad at me that she defriended me on Facebook and we haven't spoken since.
Posted by RachelBFMD[/QUOTE]

I would be upset with you too. You couldn't just "request the day off" for your best friend? After all, it is your BEST friend you said...If I were her, I would have been hurt too especially if she gave you severa; months notice..

mlg78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:ccdf6f88-3d11-4e01-b5a8-6c3efa324af7">Re: Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests only coming to ceremony : I would be upset with you too. You couldn't just "request the day off" for your best friend? After all, it is your BEST friend you said...If I were her, I would have been hurt too especially if she gave you severa; months notice..
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]
Agreed.  You're in the wrong here, not her.  I HIGHLY doubt she needed that full seven weeks.  You could have explained your work situation (and if she was your bff, she should have known it) and then asked when the last possible minute would be to RSVP and asked your boss for the night off.  

jenajjthr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:ccdf6f88-3d11-4e01-b5a8-6c3efa324af7">Re: Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests only coming to ceremony : I would be upset with you too. You couldn't just "request the day off" for your best friend? After all, it is your BEST friend you said...If I were her, I would have been hurt too especially if she gave you severa; months notice..
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

Even if she requested the day off she may not know 7 weeks in advance that she actually got the day off.  I worked in many companies that you put in for your request and didn't find out if you got it until that week(s) schedule came out.  If I needed to know before hand a nice boss usually could tell me one way or the other, but not all bosses are that nice or accomodating.  I had one boss whose policy was to take day off requests until the schedule came out.  If somebody else put in for the same day off that I did and they had seniority, then they got it even if I put my request in first.  That work situation wasn't good and I wasn't there long, but it does happen.  Remember a request for a day off is not a guarantee of a day off. 

My mom's best friend, and mine and my sister's godmother, couldn't make it to my sister's funeral because her boss wouldn't let her have the day off.  I'd be upset if a best friend couldn't make it to a wedding with a lot of notice, but sometimes bosses suck.

libby2483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:ccdf6f88-3d11-4e01-b5a8-6c3efa324af7">Re: Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests only coming to ceremony : I would be upset with you too. You couldn't just "request the day off" for your best friend? After all, it is your BEST friend you said...If I were her, I would have been hurt too especially if she gave you severa; months notice..
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

<div>I disagree with this.  Not everyone works in jobs where requesting off is a simple procedure.  And many jobs will not tell you seven weeks in advance if you have the day off or not.  I only get two personal/vacation days for the entire year, and there are certain days that I cannot use them.  In addition, only a certain number of people can take off on a certain day at my job.  7 weeks is a ridiculously early RSVP date, so it is understandable that PP couldn't get off work.  I would be hurt if my best friend didn't make it to my wedding, but sometimes there are unavoidable conflicts.</div>

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:f9ba5d5b-63f2-4993-aea9-37b2a58dc608">Re: Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests only coming to ceremony : I disagree with this.  Not everyone works in jobs where requesting off is a simple procedure.  And many jobs will not tell you seven weeks in advance if you have the day off or not.  I only get two personal/vacation days for the entire year, and there are certain days that I cannot use them.  In addition, only a certain number of people can take off on a certain day at my job.  7 weeks is a ridiculously early RSVP date, so it is understandable that PP couldn't get off work.  I would be hurt if my best friend didn't make it to my wedding, but sometimes there are unavoidable conflicts.
Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]]<div>
</div><div>Agree with libby.  Yes, lots of people CAN get a day off approved 7 weeks out, but there are plenty who can't.  I just spent 26 years in a job where my leave requests were sometimes approved months out, and sometimes much closer to the day I wanted off.  I don't think it is fair to accuse the poster who couldn't get her day off approved 7 weeks out of not trying hard enough.

</div>

MoxieMickie

I don't know Rachel's situation, but sometimes "can't take off" means "won't get paid and attending this wedding just isn't worth that much money to me." I agree about graciously accepting declines. As we frequently say, our weddings are not the most important thing in someone else's life.

rajahmd

In Response to Re:Guests only coming to ceremony:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests only coming to ceremony:I second what everyone else has said. I'd also like to add this: be gracious if they do decline entirely. I had to decline going to my former best friend's wedding this past fall. Her RSVP deadline was too far in advance seven weeks before the wedding for me to know my work schedule, so I said no rather than say yes and then not show up. She ended up getting so mad at me that she defriended me on Facebook and we haven't spoken since.Posted by RachelBFMDI would be upset with you too. You couldn't just "request the day off" for your best friend? After all, it is your BEST friend you said...If I were her, I would have been hurt too especially ifnbsp;she gave you severa;nbsp;months notice.. Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

I'm in medical school. We don't get vacation days. We're told where and when to show up, and we little control over that information. Often we don't find out until the week of. We're only allowed to ask for permission to miss school if we're sick, a close family member dies, or it's our wedding. The wedding of a close friend does not count as a valid excuse unfortunately. She knew my crazy schedule and that I had no control over it, but freaked out anyway.

MobKaz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:1c29f676-ac9c-4543-a2e1-342834ec746f">Re:Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Guests only coming to ceremony : I don't understand why she didn't just have you tell her when you knew. No caterer needs to know 7 weeks in advance.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Sometimes, you literally never get a chance "to know".</div><div>
</div><div><div>My son and his wife are both MD/PhD students.  Their schedules are literally sometimes dictated on an hour to hour basis.  </div><div>
</div><div>During their PhD years, the lab and their experiments had them "on call" 24/7.  They never knew if they had an hour or a day to themselves.  Even to consider taking a day off, they would either have to shut down their experiment, or entrust/beg a colleague to look after their lab in their absence.</div><div>
</div><div>In med school, the same issues arise.  Some of their rotations were 4 weeks in duration.  Others might be 6 or 8 weeks.  Within a 7 week RSVP period, it is plausible that their rotation could not only change, they might not even know what clerkship and/or hospital they would be attending.  It's awfully hard to request time off if you literally don't know where you are working, much less with whom.</div></div>

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:a748e54d-ba77-4c54-9e84-6fa1f94f8562">Re:Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know Rachel's situation, but sometimes "can't take off" means "won't get paid and attending this wedding just isn't worth that much money to me." I agree about graciously accepting declines. As we frequently say, our weddings are not the most important thing in someone else's life.
Posted by MoxieMickie[/QUOTE]

<div>This is a very good point also.  When I was in the military, I was still paid when I was on leave.  In my current job - no work, no pay.  I couldn't give up a day's wages (or even half a day's wages) to attend a wedding.</div>

aquari0216

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:aa09eb36-1a8c-4fcc-a441-19acd3b7d9ab">Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Has anyone else had people tell them they'll come to the ceremony, but are unsure if they will come to the reception? I had eight people (a family with grown children) RSVP, only to tell me they'll decide the day of if they feel like "staying out late" for my reception (which ends at 8:30, so it's not late at all). Any advice on how to deal with this? It would be a huge deal for them to all back out and would cost me a lot of money and make my seating chart all wonky. 
Posted by SmallenForever[/QUOTE]
They are freaking rude!!!

LiLe422

In Response to Re:Guests only coming to ceremony:In Response to Re:Guests only coming to ceremony:I second what everyone else has said. I'd also like to add this: be gracious if they do decline entirely. I had to decline going to my former best friend's wedding this past fall. Her RSVP deadline was too far in advance seven weeks before the wedding for me to know my work schedule, so I said no rather than say yes and then not show up. She ended up getting so mad at me that she defriended me on Facebook and we haven't spoken since. Posted by RachelBFMD Something tells me there's more to this story .... Posted by TXKristan Yeah, really. Thats insane that she wanted a reply 7 weeks in advance. Being that you considered her your best friend why would'nt you say something along the lines of "hey friend, I would love to attend your wedding but I will not know my schedule until x date. What would be the lastest I can get back to you?" Eta: I just saw your reply. That is completely understandable. Im sorry your "friend" did not understand your situation.

MobKaz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:4e45b91e-b842-4045-a0ab-6876a6b00d7d">Re:Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Guests only coming to ceremony : Yep, I totally get that. I am a biologist, wildlife don't know about weekends. It is hard for me to get time off for lab work, and for my own project I am the only one working on it, so if I want time off I have to find and train someone to cover it for me, which is a big favor. But if my best friend said I can only let you know the day before, I'd mark her as a yes and if she couldn't show, I'd miss her more than the cost of her plate. I'd rather buy the dinner and be out the money than not spend the money and have her be unable to attend.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Exactly!</div>

felixfelicis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-only-coming-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:60add777-a1ed-4d43-bcc8-5dcb5bfb666ePost:79427db8-1323-421f-9cfb-461171cdcc4e">Re:Guests only coming to ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Nothing pisses me off more than this myth that if someone loves you enough, they will find a way to take off for your wedding.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>THIS! I have a best friend who lives in another state and is an aspiring opera singer. As much as it would suck not to have her at my wedding, I would not take it personally at all if she could not make it to my wedding because she's in a show.</div><div>
</div><div>Other peoples' worlds don't stop just because you're getting married, and there's always time to celebrate with each other after!</div><div>
</div><div>Edit: OP, I hope you got the answer you needed! I concur with PP's on this issue.</div>