NER: Scared about FIL

Summer2011Bride

I know this has nothing to do with weddings or E, but I post on here pretty frequently and just have to write this out somewhere because I'm sad and scared and no one outside of our immediate family knows this yet.

On Friday my FIL was hospitalized when he displayed stroke-like systems (saying this that didn't make sense, etc) and had two seizures at the hospital. They ruled out stroke and were thinking maybe infection. He seemed to be doing better.

Tonight MIL calls and they found two lesions on his brain in an MRI. They don't know yet benign vs. malignant. They are waiting on body scan results because they said there are possibly tumors elsewhere.

Best case scenario: they are benign (but in a difficult location so they probably wouldn't operate) so FIL has the risk of having seizures the rest of his life. Worst case is it's malignant and has metastasized.

H is a wreck, understandably so. I am just so scared and sad and know I have to be strong for H but I am horrible at these types of things and knowing what to say. I guess I am just seeing if anyone has been in this position (either with brian lesions specifically or just having an ill in-law and how to be a support for H) as well as asing for good thoughts or prayers if that's your thing.

annhlotr

I am so sorry. I'm praying for strength for your family.

I'm coming from a little different perspective than you are. I've had family members be really sick, and I've been in a car wreck that permanently altered my life. Sometimes- there is nothing to say that will help, because nothing anyone can say will fix this. Sometimes, just listening is important. There is nothing wrong with saying that you don't know what to say.

Others may disagree, but sometimes I don't need my husband to be "strong" for me- I need him to be sad and broken and scared with me. Because that is a type of strength, too.

Knottie_22382102

I am so sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you.

Pookieson

I am so sorry to hear this and my thoughts are going your way.  I would suggest just listening.  Sometimes that is the best thing a family can get is just someone listening.  I hope you and your family get good news.

SlothGoals

Stage took the words right out of my mouth. Ask H what he needs and just be whatever it is. My thoughts and prayers are headed your way, hugs

M&MJK

I am in a similar situation as you.  My FFIL was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer last fall.  Scans showed it to be malignant and mastastisized to the liver.  Chemo was immediately begun and the wedding put on hold until we could figure out what was going on and how much time he had left.  As of now he seems to be handling the chemo OK, but it's not working as well as was hoped.  The cancer in his colon is all but gone.  However, it seems to be getting worse in the liver and spots have now showed up in his lungs.  The doctor's haven't been able to give a prognosis other than to say "treatable not curable".  FI and I had originally set Oct. 11 as the date and put money down for a hall.  Armed with the information that FIL could have anywhere from six months to six years in him we have decided to forge on with the original date.  Most days my Sweets is OK, but keeping crazy busy at work doesn't give him a lot of time to dwell.  There have been some rough times though.  My prayers are with you, and I hope your FIL responds well to the treatment.

Summer2011Bride

Thank you for all the kind words It means a lot to me.

formerlyCooper

My ex boyfriend's father died of pancreatic cancer very suddenly back in July of 2009. There is really nothing to say to someone who is, or who is in danger of, losing a parent...not even "it'll be ok," because it isn't ok and never will be again. I just held him, did things for him whenever I could, and let him know I was there if he needed anything. I didn't offer platitudes or advice, just listened and tried to be strong. And I held onto hope even when I knew his battle was lost when the doctors gave us the diagnosis. Good luck and I'm terribly sorry your family is going through this. I hope your FIL will be ok.

zantster

All the PPs have given great advice so I'll just add a little bit.  My FFIL is facing a debilitating nervous system disease that is gradual in nature.  My FMIL tells us from time to time that she notices it worsening.  My FH is very worried about him.  I just make sure I am there to give him hugs and affection and let him know that I am ready to drop everything at a moment's notice with work or whatever, take the clothes on our backs and the money in the bank and go to the UK if he ever wants us to be there for his dad if things got serious.  Just letting him know that nothing and no one is more important than him any time of the day or night is a good way of helping him feel supported through whatever comes.  When he seems down I also try to do simple things like making his favorite home cooked meal with a cup of tea so he feels warm and fuzzy inside as I hug him and we sometimes don't talk at all but just sit next to each other and watch soccer.  The main thing is he knows I'm there.  My prayers are with you.

thejucheidea

I'm saying this as both a cancer research nurse and the daughter of a woman who just had a tumor removed from her brain last month: it's gonna be okay.

Even if it's benign, there are treatments -- my mom's was benign, and they were either going to surgically excise it or treat with radiation, and they decided on surgery because the tumor was pressing her spinal cord to her skull and they needed to do a spinal fusion because they were afraid that her skull was going to slip off of her spine. My mom had to use Keppra for a little while because they thought she had some petit mal seizures, but now she's all good.

If it's malignant, there are so. many. treatments. A great number of people respond to conventional therapy, and if he doesn't respond to conventional therapy, there are a bunch of options in clinical trials at places like Mayo.

Seriously, it's really hard, but it's gonna be okay.

AddieCake

Sorry to hear this, Summer. Big hugs to you and thoughts are with you and your family. 

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-scared-about-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:620f5ec5-849d-4332-bc16-dd7b7cb09b71Post:2eaa3658-555d-4739-bbd6-4585204fb475">Re: NER: Scared about FIL</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm saying this as both a cancer research nurse and the daughter of a woman who just had a tumor removed from her brain last month: it's gonna be okay. Even if it's benign, there are treatments -- my mom's was benign, and they were either going to surgically excise it or treat with radiation, and they decided on surgery because the tumor was pressing her spinal cord to her skull and they needed to do a spinal fusion because they were afraid that her skull was going to slip off of her spine. My mom had to use Keppra for a little while because they thought she had some petit mal seizures, but now she's all good. If it's malignant, there are so. many. treatments. A great number of people respond to conventional therapy, and if he doesn't respond to conventional therapy, there are a bunch of options in clinical trials at places like Mayo. Seriously, it's really hard, but it's gonna be okay.
Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

I'm all for positive reinforcement ahstillwell.  But since none of us know the patient's specific medical diagnosis or how advanced it may be, and since we are not his physician, I think its better to weigh on the side of caution about saying don't worry, it will all be ok.  We hope so, but we don't know so.  My mother also had a brain tumor.  It was malignant and advanced.  She underwent surgery.  She did not survive.  Everyone's situation is different so I am not predicting anything bad.  I'm happy that people like your mom survive every day.  That is a blessing that I'm sure you appreciate every day.  I'm just saying I think its best to be supportive but not assume a particular outcome either way.

Jen4948

I'm very sorry. Your families are in my thoughts and prayers.

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-scared-about-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:620f5ec5-849d-4332-bc16-dd7b7cb09b71Post:52a0dafa-58de-4790-9e08-df2b2e0977e3">Re: NER: Scared about FIL</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER: Scared about FIL : I'm all for positive reinforcement ahstillwell.  But since none of us know the patient's specific medical diagnosis or how advanced it may be, and since we are not his physician, I think its better to weigh on the side of caution about saying don't worry, it will all be ok.  We hope so, but we don't know so.  My mother also had a brain tumor.  It was malignant and advanced.  She underwent surgery.  She did not survive.  Everyone's situation is different so I am not predicting anything bad.  I'm happy that people like your mom survive every day.  That is a blessing that I'm sure you appreciate every day.  I'm just saying I think its best to be supportive but not assume a particular outcome either way.
Posted by zantster[/QUOTE]
'Okay' doesn't necessarily mean the patient is going to survive. It means that it's going to be okay because you're entering a world where there are dozens of options available and a strong community of survivors or family members of those lost who are there to support people going through what could be the hardest time of anyone's life. It's going to be hard, but she's not alone and her family's not alone. There are others out there who understand what's happening and will encourage and help them.

Not everyone survives, that's a fact. We've already had two patients in my clinic die this week. Last June, we had 27 patients die in just that month. But we powered through it and offered a shoulder to cry on, had long talks with families over the phone and had family members come into our clinic just to receive the empathy of the family members and patients who are still fighting.

I'd rather approach something like this by listing the positives, especially when there's question of what it is. They thought my mom had a chordoma instead of a meningioma for weeks, and I had to be the rock for my sobbing parents who were terrified. I was terrified as well, but I had to keep that thought of 'this could be benign and we need to just stay calm until the biopsy results come back'. In the end, it was horrible, but now she's on the other side.

In this situation, it is at the point where there needs to be hopeful questioning then a strong front moving forward once the mystery is unraveled.

I maintain my original sentiment: it's going to be okay. Whatever happens, support is everywhere to hold you up even at your darkest.

[Deleted User]

Just wanted to let you know I'm sending good thoughts and prayers your way. 

Also- I agree with ahstillwell. I saw something recently that said (something along the lines of) Say every day, "It's going to be okay" and if it's not, say it again tomorrow, because eventually, it will be.

misssunshine17

Thoughts and prayers to you and your family!

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-scared-about-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:620f5ec5-849d-4332-bc16-dd7b7cb09b71Post:103d3230-ed84-48ec-b498-c44dda4b6c79">Re: NER: Scared about FIL</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER: Scared about FIL : 'Okay' doesn't necessarily mean the patient is going to survive. It means that it's going to be okay because you're entering a world where there are dozens of options available and a strong community of survivors or family members of those lost who are there to support people going through what could be the hardest time of anyone's life. It's going to be hard, but she's not alone and her family's not alone. There are others out there who understand what's happening and will encourage and help them. Not everyone survives, that's a fact. We've already had two patients in my clinic die this week. Last June, we had 27 patients die in just that month. But we powered through it and offered a shoulder to cry on, had long talks with families over the phone and had family members come into our clinic just to receive the empathy of the family members and patients who are still fighting. I'd rather approach something like this by listing the positives, especially when there's question of what it is. They thought my mom had a chordoma instead of a meningioma for weeks, and I had to be the rock for my sobbing parents who were terrified. I was terrified as well, but I had to keep that thought of 'this could be benign and we need to just stay calm until the biopsy results come back'. In the end, it was horrible, but now she's on the other side. In this situation, it is at the point where there needs to be hopeful questioning then a strong front moving forward once the mystery is unraveled. I maintain my original sentiment: it's going to be okay. Whatever happens, support is everywhere to hold you up even at your darkest.
Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]
This is really painful for me so I can't write much more.  I think we agree on most things.  All I will say...as someone who never let a dark thought enter my mind while my mother was ill... and did not cry a single tear until the doctor announced that her life support would be terminated...is that while it is most definitely a good idea to surround oneself with family and friends, be positive,etc., it is also healthy to acknowledge all the potential outcomes in a way that makes sure OP's H soaks up plenty of quality time with his dad.  That will always be a good thing to do no matter what happens.  These things have a way of bringing what's important into sharper focus.  Time with loved ones is one of those things.  God bless.

MrsGandthebeag

I'm so sorry Summer.  As I'm sure you know, my dad died from a brain tumor.  He had a gbm, stage 4 and lasted 14 months from diagnosis (he also had a seizure).  I wish your FIL all the best and hope for a good diagnosis.  The best thing you can do like the ladies have said is just be there for your dh.  Anything you can do to support him is great.  You don't have to speak, because really there's nothing you're going to say to make it better.  I agree with Zantster.  While a positive attitude is great, saying that everything is going to be okay is a load of crap.  You don't know what's going to happen.  So, enjoy every moment and be there for your husband.  I'm here if you want to talk through anything.  

cbrown828

Thoughts and prayers with you, FI, and his family. I almost lost both of my parents in the past two years (both are well now) and the most helpful thing I did was learn about their conditions, treatments, etc. Made the process a lot less scary and helped me feel like I could have intelligent conversations with the doctors.

My mom had a ruptured brain aneurysm, and I know that anything affecting the brain can be so challenging and worrisome. The technology, though, is amazing. She had two surgeries in 3 months on her brain and healed very quickly considering the complications many people think of when they hear "brain surgery."

Hang in there. Remember it's ok to take a break from being strong every once in awhile. Bottling up emotions doesn't do anything productive with them, it just stores them away for later. You and FI need to take care of youselves so you can be there for each other and his family.

harper0813

Summer, I don't know what to say because I've never been through anything like this - but I'm so sorry to hear that you and your FI and his family are enduring this. You all are in my thoughts. I'm hoping for the best.

stantokm

My FFIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer during the first week or so that FH and I started dating.  He was given up to four years (over 1 1/2 years ago now), though if he gets a bone marrow transplant, he could get up to three years after that.

My FH is a quiet guy so he prefers to keep his feelings about this private, but he knows I'm available if he needs me.  It helps that his dad isn't in bad shape right now so he hasn't really had to face it yet--that'll come later.  He did write a song that alludes to his feelings (he's in a rock band), so he's not not dealing with it (though I'm the only one who knows what it's about).

Your husband will let you know what he needs from you, I hope.  Just be available.  Don't make him talk if he doesn't feel like it.  Mostly just listen.

I hope that it all works out okay.

Peledreamsofrain

I echo what the others say, and am rooting for you and your family as well OP.  However, I did want to bring something up that may not have been mentioned, because it's not something that I would wish anyone to be broadsided by.

My FIL has had a traumatic brain injury, and it has deeply impacted my H's family in many ways.  Unfortunately, the damage to his brain has altered his personality, and not for the better.  My H's family is very strong, and has stayed by his side, but it has been a rough road for them.

I don't post this to scare you, but rather to prepare you should this happen.  Brain injury and damage can lead to unexpected things.  Being educated and preparing is in everyone's best interest.

Summer2011Bride

Wow thank you for all the supportive comments! I'm sorry I haven't responded yet; I can't get on at work and it's been a busy day. It was so touching to come home and read all these messages.

We do have some good news! The body scan showed no cancer elsewhere in his body. The doctor was shocked at this; he said he was pretty much expecting cancer elsewhere and is a little baffled he has two lesions but no cancer (though this is a good thing, obviously). They are doing a bone scan to hopefully rule out bone cancer which isn't seen as easily on the body scan, I guess.

If that comes back OK, the next step is getting a biopsy of these lesions next week. Hopefully they come back benign. Even if they are malignant, at least the doctor said they are small, so it sounds like they caught them early and nothing has spread elsewhere in his body. AND he got to home today, which was a huge relief to MIL and him. H is in much better spirits today.

Thanks again for the support, the stories, and the advice. It means so much, and I will keep you updated, hopefully with happy news.

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-scared-about-fil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:620f5ec5-849d-4332-bc16-dd7b7cb09b71Post:3b75b8bd-b6da-4ce6-8c8c-0fdc312c750a">Re: NER: Scared about FIL</a>:
[QUOTE]The body scan showed no cancer elsewhere in his body. The doctor was shocked at this; he said he was pretty much expecting cancer elsewhere and is a little baffled he has two lesions but no cancer (though this is a good thing, obviously). They are doing a bone scan to hopefully rule out bone cancer which isn't seen as easily on the body scan, I guess. If that comes back OK, the next step is getting a biopsy of these lesions next week
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]
That's exactly what happened with my mom. She was in the hospital for a week while they did every test known to man because they couldn't believe that a lesion popped up spontaneously like that. It ended up being a benign meningioma. I hope it's the same for you!