To include or exclude??

CowgirlBride88

Ok, I'll try to make this short.  The relationship between me and my dad has seriously deteriorated to the point where I'm bracing myself for writing him a letter, cutting him off for a season.  We were very close as I was growing up (especially after my mother died) and after he married my step-mom, she destroyed our relationship.  She forced him to choose sides, me or her and he chose her side (even when I came to him for help because she was physically abusing me).  Since I was 19 (I'm 24 now), I've been living on my own and my dad and step-mom have gone back and forth about whether I'm welcome in the family or not (most often not).  For my own psychological health (already have PTSD and a mild personality disorder, which I'm trying to fight), I've decided to cut him off for awhile.  

Here's my question:  regardless of whether I get the strength to send him the letter, should I have somebody else walk me down the aisle?  I'm leaning toward having one of the extra goomsmen do it (or my uncle), because I don't even know if my dad will attend my wedding (my step-brother's is very very close to mine, might even be same day.).  My dad has been very inconsistent with me, never calling, but telling me to "stay in touch".  I am afraid to trust him to stick to his word because of all this BS.  What would you guys do?

sparkles776

If it is to the point that you think he might not even show up, I would ask someone else. If you really want him to, talk to him about it and let him know how important it is to you.

Loopyseven

You could always walk yourself too.  You're 24, have been living independently for close to 5 years now.  And it doesn't sound like you really consider yourself "his" to be given away - so why play into that symbolism.  Otherwise, if you're close with your uncle, I'd ask him.  Just be aware that replacing your father with your uncle could be a relationship destroying move with your dad, and it sounds like you regret the state of the relationship as it stands now, and would welcome the chance to reconnect with him if the situation allowed, so think hard before you "replace" him.  Walking alone as a symbol of your "independence" would probably be an easier sell than a replacement if he's expecting to walk you himself.

sierraberry32

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-include-or-exclude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6241690a-35f3-4f75-a5bd-12ba69b5ef9ePost:f14572bf-5599-4daf-abc6-cf575368f0d7">Re: To include or exclude??</a>:
[QUOTE]You could always walk yourself too.  You're 24, have been living independently for close to 5 years now.  And it doesn't sound like you really consider yourself "his" to be given away - so why play into that symbolism.  Otherwise, if you're close with your uncle, I'd ask him.  Just be aware that replacing your father with your uncle could be a relationship destroying move with your dad, and it sounds like you regret the state of the relationship as it stands now, and would welcome the chance to reconnect with him if the situation allowed, so think hard before you "replace" him.  Walking alone as a symbol of your "independence" would probably be an easier sell than a replacement if he's expecting to walk you himself.
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

 Agreed! So sorry about that! I really hope it works out! Be strong and keep fighting!

Kristin789

Walk by yourself or have FI meet you at the back and walk all the way down with you or have FI come up halfway and walk the other half with you.

Any of these three choices would be better than jamming someone into the "ROLE" of "WALKING THE BRIDE DOWN THE AISLE."

And any of these three choices will be easy to explain to your dad if he DOES show up or if he DOES ask you about this two weeks prior to the wedding.  Just explain how you've decided to do it - without a DAD or DAD SUBSTITUTE.  He can't be disappointed or mad about that, but he COULD be, if you chose a DAD SUBSTITUTE.

arco13

I don't think whoever walks you down the isle needs to be called a "Dad Subsitiute." Don't make a decision based on something tradition says you should do; if your dad walking you down the isle ultimately isn't the right thing for you, than don't do it. (Though I agree with PPs, think about the decision and the ramifications carefully).

[Deleted User]

I'm coming up on the one year mark of when i cut my own father off. I love him and I always will but his toxic personality and actions forced me to take him out of my life, even though he attempts to contact me from time to time. Only you can make the decision here. I hope you you get through this alright. *hugs*

Ali092011

My father is around when he has nothing else going on in his life and/or he needs something. I cannot count on him to show up at my wedding, or to behave like a normal human being if he does.

I was going to ask my stepdad or my mom to walk me down, but I didn't want to incite a reaction from my father when he sees it at the wedding. FI and I decided against any kind of "father figure" walking me down the aisle, because choosing anyone else would make it obvious that we DIDN'T choose him, KWIM?

Ultimately, FI and I decided that we would walk down the aisle together. We like what it symbolizes, and it solves a whole host of family problems.

Good luck making your decision!