RSVP Drama

Karra24

Hi all,

I recently hosted an engagement party for my sister and of course invited our family. Before my sister and I were born, our grandparents got divorced and both later remarried. Our Grandmother and Step-grandmother has made it a point to not attend the same family events. It was so bad, that as children our mother would host two seperate birthday parties for us. Imagine my surprise when they both rsvp'd to the engagement party. They were both aware that the other was going to be there and seemed to be fine with it. They even both confirmed their attendance days before. The morning of, my step-grandmother called my mother to let her know she wasn't going as she wasn't comfortable. Had she called me, it would have been a non issue. So my mother informed me and I went about my day as I was busy for hosting duties. Two days later, she informed me that she was upset because neither my sister or I bothered to call her to say that she was missed and that it was rude of us to not do so. She went on to say that she always feels second rate because she's not included in events. I feel she was rude in not informing me, the host, and instead telling my mother. And then to turn it around from my sisters engagement to how she feels unincluded, when we invite her to every event. She makes the choice to not attend the events. Am I off base here? My sister and I expect the same behaviour for her wedding, and would like to know how to handle it properly.

Thanks!

SlothGoals

You're not off base. She was invited and declined, end of story. If she does this at the wedding call her up and say "Sorry you can't make it, you'll be missed." and leave it at that. Dont' get roped into guilt shenanigans.

MrsMack10612

She's the one who is out of line.  You can't whine poor me, I never get invited anywhere when you choose to not attend events because you can't suck it up and be a grown up for an afternoon/evening.

I'm sure with any of the functions that you have invited her to, there would be plenty of people that she could spend time with and not have to deal with the person(s) that make her uncomfortable.

Agreed with PPs that if she pulls this BS at the wedding, just respond with a sorry you'll be missed and go on about your day.

[Deleted User]

She was invited to the event, that is all you can do to make her feel included. When it comes to the wedding I say treat her like any guest that you invited that declines or accepts & doesn't come. Next time you see them, you will be or were missed at the wedding and if there is a gift, in the thank you card your sister just needs to say thank you for the gift, your attendance was missed at the wedding.

Your sister should treat her like she would the other grandma's. If the others get flowers, then she should, maybe ask her what color her dress is & let her know that flowers are being ordered for her & the bride wants them to match her outfit. If she still does a no show and throws a fit, then she just wants attention. If she is expecting you not to invite your biological grandmother or have a second wedding for her to attend, well she is going to be disappointed.

She needs to accept that as you and your sister are getting older, the seperate events are going to become less and less & if she wants to be part of your lives that she needs to get over whatever issues she has that prevents her from being in the same room as your other grandmother.

banana468

Step Grandma has her panties in a bunch over her own rudeness.
 
Sometimes you have to "play nice" for age sake and it's up to you if you want to do that.

s-aries8990

Just tell that had you known about her impending absence you would have called her. Inform her that you do intend on inviting her to the shower (if you're throwing one), ask the bride to invite her to the RD and then, of course the wedding.

When you invite her to the shower I'd make it a point to give her a call after your recieve the RSVP (if it's not a phone call) and let her know that you are [glad she can make it because you want to make sure she's included]/[sorry that she can't make it, she'll be missed because you wanted her to be included in the festivities].... but I'm a little passive agressive.

reppunzel

"Yes, Granny, we were sad that you chose not to come to the engagement party, because as far as I knew, you were planning to be a part of it.  We love you, and of course you're included on the guest list for the shower/rehearsal dinner/wedding/etc.  We really hope that you'll be there; if you choose not to come, we'll miss you." 

I would use the words "choose" and "choice" a lot.  Her unhappiness is the result of her own  choices, no one else's, and that wording will put the ownership back onto her.  I'm not saying be nasty or disrespectful, just let your words reflect reality and gently but firmly refuse to take on a guilt load that isn't yours.

I like PP suggestion of asking about her dress, and mentioning that you're ordering flowers for her, etc. 

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6260cf24-23fb-46b5-9133-f57983472870Post:ae8fbc48-eb73-48e9-8cf6-86fa50464b2c">Re: RSVP Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]She's the one who is out of line.  You can't whine poor me, I never get invited anywhere when you choose to not attend events because you can't suck it up and be a grown up for an afternoon/evening. I'm sure with any of the functions that you have invited her to, there would be plenty of people that she could spend time with and not have to deal with the person(s) that make her uncomfortable. Agreed with PPs that if she pulls this BS at the wedding, just respond with a sorry you'll be missed and go on about your day.
Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

I agree.  She's the one who was rude and is trying to blame it on you.  Leave the blame right where it is-on her.

Even though she's elderly, you don't have to make her comfortable by accepting any of her obnoxiousness.  Just tell her "You will be/were missed" the next time you see or hear from her and then walk away or change the subject.