Small guest list + big friend group = trouble

lpbien

Due to budget and space reasons, we can only invite so many people, and half has to be family. This is going to sound very technical, but upon looking at my friends to invite, there's a Tier 1 and a Tier 2. Tier 1 are the friends who I've kept in touch with consistently since college graduation, whether by frequent visits, or texts/calls/gchats/emails if distance is involved. Tier 2 are friends who I was very close with in college but who I have not been in as good contact. All of Tier 1 are invited. With Tier 2, I still feel close with some of those friends over others - it's hard to explain, but I guess the best way to put it is if we had a friends reunion, I'd be able to pick up with some of them as if time had never passed and we'd never lost touch. The problem is, I feel like I can't invite some of those Tier 2 people without causing hurt feelings in others. I know I should just invite who is important to me and who I want there, but I hate the idea that somebody would think, "Oh my gosh, Sally got invited but not me?? I thought L and I had been such good friends!" or that Betsy (these names are made up!) would go to Sally and ask, "Oh, you were invited? I didn't know you kept in touch!" and then find out that wasn't the case and be hurt that way. I just feel very GUILTY but frankly some of those Tier 2 friends - I don't care if they're there and we have such a tight budget and space issue. Do I invite them for the sake of happiness among all the friends or do I just do what I need to do and invite who I really want to invite?

MoonlightSilver

Just invite who you want to be there and can afford. Don't worry about people getting so upset they weren't invited. Adults will understand that weddings are expensive and you don't always invite everyone. 

TheVirginians

Sounds like some of the people on your tier two list of friends are really tier one friends.  Move some ot the tier two people to the tier one group.   Then just invite tier one.

misssunshine17

Many people can't invite absolutely everyone that they'd like to. People very well may be sad, but many will understand budget constrictions. Just be sure to limit wedding talk to a minimum to non-invited friends. 

Kate61487

Just invite the ones you actually want to see and don't worry about it.  You haven't kept in touch with these people and don't think you'd easily resume a friendship if you saw them again - so why do you care if they're a little irritated that they weren't invited?  

Don't get me wrong - I totally get where you're coming from.  When it came to inviting sorority sisters I was concerned at first, but then realized there was a reason some weren't on the invite list.  Not that I disliked them, or had anything against them, we just weren't that close.  And that's okay.

Avion22

People you don't invite will understand that you have lost touch over the years, and will be okay with not being invited.  Chances are they might breath a sigh of relief because now they won't feel pressured to invite you to THEIR weddings :-) (of course invites aren't tit-for-tat, but still some people might feel that way).

If you really want all of the Tier 1 and Tier 2 people at your wedding, then you might be able to change your venue or tweak your budget priorities to make it work (beer and wine only, buffet instead of plated meal, etc).   If none of this is possible, then just invite the people who mean the most to you.  Others will understand.

Cortney1982

If you don't care if they are there, then why care if they find out and possibly get upset?  If they really haven't had contact with you they probably understand why they aren't invited.

mrskristinyc

Chances are the people who fall in "Tier 2" know that they aren't as close to you as some of the other people.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-guest-list-big-friend-group-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:628b9a69-430d-471a-a575-f515c5201b14Post:c31d4fa8-8b02-48a4-a756-c25d5c59f28c">Re: Small guest list + big friend group = trouble</a>:
[QUOTE]Just invite who you want to be there and can afford. Don't worry about people getting so upset they weren't invited.<font color="#0000ff"> <strong>Adults will understand</strong> </font>that weddings are expensive and you don't always invite everyone. 
Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

Couldn't have said it better!

libby2483

I know what you mean by Tier 1 and Tier 2 friends, as we were in a similar situation.  We have some friends that we remained very close with and still keep in touch with on a regular basis, but other friends who were more distant in college or who we have lost touch with.  What we did was each ask ourselves, "Would I call up and hang out with X on a one on one basis (or as couples) anymore?"  If it was someone we would only hang out with in a large group or through mutual friends, we didn't invite that person.  Ultimately, we were surrounded by people we truly wanted to be there.  I don't have any regrets about excluding people that we are no longer as close with.