BM is no longer in wedding

Carla1019

I asked her to be a BM and she seemed happy and excited at the time. My BM dresses are being custom made and the seamstress took a deposit from everyone to get started and final payment is due when the dress is done. The seamstress told me that she needed the girls to come in for two fittings. My BM rescheduled her first fitting 3 times before she came in and now the deadline to come in for the final fitting has passed. She is not answering my calls or texts. I know nothing bad has happened to her because good ole FB shows me that she is updating her status. So at this point I am going to pay the seamstress for the unfinished dress, but I'm curious etiquette wise...who is responsible for paying for the dress?

Additional info - Before I decided to have the dresses made, I asked each BM if the cost was okay and everyone agreed it was fine.

Also, since she isn't returning my calls should I leave a voicemail saying I'm sorry you were unable to get your dress. I hope to see you at the wedding as a guest, or should I say nothing? I am extrememly pissed off and I don't want to be fake, but I don't want to see her at my wedding.

Carla1019

I asked them if X price was okay. And they agreed it was a great price.

Katelyn89

If one of my bridesmaids couldn't afford the bridesmaid dress I had chosen, I would help them with the difference. Even if you asked her if the cost waS okay, finances change. It would mean more to me to have her there.

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:760585b2-7242-45cb-ad86-f5e34fc6a5fb">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]If one of my bridesmaids couldn't afford the bridesmaid dress I had chosen, I would help them with the difference. Even if you asked her if the cost was okay, finances change. It would mean more to me to have her there.
Posted by Katelyn89[/QUOTE]

I agree with you. I would never let money come in the way of our friendship. You are assuming that this is the problem. We don't know what the problem is because she won't communicate with me. All I know at this time is that I'm being blown off.

ETA: I paid for the fabric for the dresses and they paid for the cost of sewing. The cost is less than similar dresses. Also since they are being made to fit them, there is no need for extra alterations. When she was missing her first appointments I told her that if she needed anything PLEASE let me know.

krose83013

So you are paying for the dress but you are no longer going to have her in the wedding party? What are you going to do with the dress? Does she know she's not in the wedding anymore?

These are just some ?'s you should think of before you contact her. Also, if she agreed to the "x" price then I would imagine she should pay for it, but that's just my opinion. Also, I would try to meet her face to face rather than via text/call. She might be busy or something else may be going on regardless of FB.

adamar15

I really don't see the problem with finding a dress for X price and asking if that's ok.  It's not like she said "this is the price and you're going to pay it or else."  I'll be honest, if my friend was completely ignoring me I probably wouldn't pay for the dress unless my name was on a contract or something.  I wouldn't leave her any messages about not being in the bridal party, though.  That would pretty much be the nail in the coffin of the relationship.  If she gets her dress and shows up in the day of the wedding, great.  If she shows up as a guest, great.  If she doesn't show up or contact you at all, I guess you'll just have to accept that and move on.

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:d9a9626e-9a45-4af3-b942-d8add94d6438">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]A. <strong>You should have asked each BM privately what their budget was, not tell them how much something is and ask if that is fine.</strong>But that cant be changed now. B. Pay for the dress if you want your FRIEND to stand up for you in your wedding. You can dcide if you'll ask her to pay you back. C. I would not call her and kick her out unless you want to end the friendship forever and look like a biitchh. If she shows up wedding day and puts on the dress then she is in the WP, if not she has taken herself out.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

I don't understand this logic. If I say to a grown woman that the dress I'm thinking about will cost you $80, is that okay?...shouldn't she tell me if this is too much?

I would rather someone tell me the cost of something than to ask me my budget because I might not have thought about it.

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:eae35ce2-b1ba-4e49-a22a-1e60fbca7ec5">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I really don't see the problem with finding a dress for X price and asking if that's ok.  It's not like she said "this is the price and you're going to pay it or else." <strong> I'll be honest, if my friend was completely ignoring me I probably wouldn't pay for the dress unless my name was on a contract or something. </strong> I wouldn't leave her any messages about not being in the bridal party, though.  That would pretty much be the nail in the coffin of the relationship.  If she gets her dress and shows up in the day of the wedding, great.  If she shows up as a guest, great.  If she doesn't show up or contact you at all, I guess you'll just have to accept that and move on.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

I decided to tell the seamstress to finish the dress (without the second fitting) and pay for it, because I know she was expecting the money and I want to keep a good relationship with her. I can donate the dress to good will or give it away.

Honestly, I feel that she doesn't WANT to be in the wedding. So my question is, do I leave her a voicemail saying I hope you come as a guest or say nothing? I wish we could meet face to face but she hasn't answered my calls in a week.

Maggie0829

The only opinion I have is that I do think it is ok to tell a BM that a dress you were considering for them is X amount of dollars and then asking if that is an ok price with them.  Some BMs may or may not know how much an average BM dress could cost or may not have really given a budget much thought.  The BM should know her finances well enough to know if X amount will or will not work for her and should speak up accordingly.

SB1512

So, am I correct in that even if by some miracle she showed up today for a fitting, there would not be enough time to finish her dress before the wedding?  If that's the case, and if she is aware of that, it's safe to assume she has removed herself from the wedding party.  As far as payment for the unfinished dress I'm not sure how you should handle that.  Clearly, the seamstress should be paid for the work on the dress she has completed thus far.  If it's within your budget to pay her for the work she has done up to this point I would just cover the cost and move on.  I also think it's fine that you asked about the cost of a dress rather than asking for a specific budget. 

Summer2011Bride

Well it sounds like you've done all you can to contact BM. Even if her FB statuses seem fine, there might be something else going on in her life that she just doesn't want anyone else to know about. I would give the calls and texts a break. If you want the seamstress to finish the dress and you pay for it, fine.

After a little while, I'd try calling again and not make it about the dress or the wedding, but just your concern that you haven't heard from her in a long time and is she OK? Like a PP said, if she shows up on your wedding day in the dress, she is still in the WP. If not, she is a guest if she decides to come. I would probably be more concerned about her lack of communication especially if she is normally not like this. I'd be worried something is wrong.

runpipparun

If you still want her to be in the WP, call and ask if she's okay, let her know there will be a dress waiting for her on the morning of the wedding if she'd like to wear it, and then roll with it. Don't stress about her knowing where she's going, etc. That stuff is never hard.

If you are going to be a stickler about rehearsals and matching GM numbers and things, then you'll have to "kick her out" (i.e., subtly let her know she's just a guest).

tpender13

So the dress is done (or being finished) and paid for? Maybe just reach out to her one more time saying that you picked up the dress, and the fit may not be ideal but she can still come get it from you whenever. Then not try to bring up anything WR with her until you've gotten the chance to just chat or hang out with her.

tpender13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:c6f6dbd9-eedf-4272-8051-b88e3af8b9ad">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]If you still want her to be in the WP, call and ask if she's okay, let her know there will be a dress waiting for her on the morning of the wedding if she'd like to wear it, and then roll with it. Don't stress about her knowing where she's going, etc. That stuff is never hard. If you are going to be a stickler about rehearsals and matching GM numbers and things, then you'll have to "kick her out" (i.e., subtly let her know she's just a guest).
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

Will she also have to subtly let a GM know that he is just a guest as well? There's nothing wrong with an uneven WP if this girl doesn't show up as a bridesmaid.

Carla1019

Yes, I don't mind having an uneven WP. The only issue with the wait and see strategy is that I don't know if I should put her on the program? Also, I'm arranging transportation from church to reception for WP, and we are having a head table.

She didn't show up for any prewedding events, WP meet & greet or shower. Each event she said she was coming but never called or showed.

I agree with the advice that I need to stop calling and give her space. Thanks!

DreamCLG7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:d9a9626e-9a45-4af3-b942-d8add94d6438">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]A. You should have asked each BM privately what their budget was, not tell them how much something is and ask if that is fine. But that cant be changed now. B. Pay for the dress if you want your FRIEND to stand up for you in your wedding. You can dcide if you'll ask her to pay you back. C. I would not call her and kick her out unless you want to end the friendship forever and look like a biitchh. If she shows up wedding day and puts on the dress then she is in the WP, if not she has taken herself out.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

i pretty much disagree with everything that is said here.

i think what you did was fine. Grown women have the ability to say "yes, that amount is fine" or "no, that amount is too high." I also do not like the "budget" approach, I hate being asked what my budget is. Just tell me what I need and I will tell you if I can do it or not

2.) OP absolutey does not have to pay for the dress. If the BM doesn't have the ability to be mature and take responsibility and say "hey friend, I'm having a little trouble.." then that's her deal.

3.) if the BM shows up, after all this, and puts the dress on (that she hasn't paid for, mind you) and acts like she's a member of the WP, then I would say that she'd pretty messed up in the head.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:d414c784-4ca8-4cac-b5f2-5da2a8a939f7">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM is no longer in wedding : i pretty much disagree with everything that is said here. i think what you did was fine. Grown women have the ability to say "yes, that amount is fine" or "no, that amount is too high." I also do not like the "budget" approach, I hate being asked what my budget is. Just tell me what I need and I will tell you if I can do it or not 2.) OP absolutey does not have to pay for the dress. If the BM doesn't have the ability to be mature and take responsibility and say "hey friend, I'm having a little trouble.." then that's her deal. 3.) if the BM shows up, after all this, and puts the dress on (<strong>that she hasn't paid for, mind you) and acts like she's a member of the WP, then I would say that she'd pretty messed up in the head.</strong>
Posted by DreamCLG7[/QUOTE]

What if the BM lost her job and CAN'T pay for it?
Finances can change and maybe she's too embarrassed to say so.
OP needs to have a not WR converstaion with her and find out what's going on.
If BM still wants to be there for her friend, I see nothing wrong with that....no one is forcing OP to pay for the dress.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:dd30011e-6152-40f0-9c0b-c5e9814f0a6e">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM is no longer in wedding : Will she also have to subtly let a GM know that he is just a guest as well? There's nothing wrong with an uneven WP if this girl doesn't show up as a bridesmaid.
Posted by tpender13[/QUOTE]

<div>I wholeheartedly agree with that, but there are some brides who would rather not walk down the aisle than have uneven numbers. Did not not catch my snarky tone?</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Apparently I need to work on my snark...</div>

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:73e6eaa9-14ca-4d8c-88d6-3f9867e15e22">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM is no longer in wedding : I find that you give bad advice.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>*gritted teeth* I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.</div>

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:34a3999a-b5e4-4504-9387-af6982973dbe">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM is no longer in wedding : What if the BM lost her job and CAN'T pay for it? Finances can change and maybe she's too embarrassed to say so. <strong>OP needs to have a not WR converstaion with her and find out what's going on. </strong>If BM still wants to be there for her friend, I see nothing wrong with that....no one is forcing OP to pay for the dress.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

She has to pick up her phone for me to have a non WR converstation with her.

runpipparun

Well, voicemails are easy to ignore. Texts can be easy to ignore. Emails can be easy to ignore. (I used to work with a very depressed girl who was good at ignoring all forms of communication.) A Facebook wall post is not easy to ignore, but very public... If you just want to say, "Hey, how's it going?" and know that she sees it, and can't ignore it, that could be the way to go. Sadly.

Otherwise, you've done all you can do to get in touch.

ETA: Outside of sitting outside her house with a box of cookies.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:4035d3b3-9286-4e96-bd0a-84a227314478">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM is no longer in wedding : She has to pick up her phone for me to have a non WR converstation with her.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]
You don't know where she lives?
Stick a note on the door or mailbox?

rociomatinal

Who are the other girls in your wedding party? Can you ask one of them to find out what's going on?

stefwells23

I hope that she ends up getting in touch with you and explains what happened. However, if she does not return calls, texts you back and is unwilling to explain her absence with everything WR event and fittings I don't think you have an obligation to have her in you wedding party. Being in a wedding party is an honour, and the people that stand up for you should want to be there. Perhaps they don't have to show up for all the events, but having enough respect for the bride to let her know what is going on is extremely important (can't make fittings, can't make events, can't pay for the dress).
Going to one dress fitting does not mean the dress will even fit her on the day, and if she is expecting to just show up at the wedding and having a dress and being in the WP after being disrespectful to the bride like this, that is just selfish in my mind.

She needs to step up, be honest with you about whatever is going on and if you can salvage the friendship before the big day great, if not.... I would move on and donate the dress as you stated above.

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:fb5e0802-55aa-4a9e-8bed-9f996b871a6c">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Who are the other girls in your wedding party? Can you ask one of them to find out what's going on?
Posted by rociomatinal[/QUOTE]

Only my MOH knows who she is but doesn't have her phone number. When I told my MOH what is going on she said she wasn't surprised, she said this BM have been jealous of me for a long time. I didn't want to believe that....

nextrightthing

If I were you, I would try calling, leave a message saying, "if this is about money, please know that I am more than happy to help you out with that because I care about you and want you to share this w/me" or something if you are. Explain that you are concerned that you haven't heard from her and it is making you think maybe she doesn't want to be in the BP. Give her the option to call back. If not, she isn't in the BP, and i think it is ABSURD that people think you need to be chasing her around and leaving her notes. She is being rude. Eta: I think it would be good to make a nonwr call first.

stefwells23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:398ad09b-cd86-4716-b3b3-9e824535a484">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM is no longer in wedding : Only my MOH knows who she is but doesn't have her phone number. When I told my MOH what is going on she said she wasn't surprised,<strong> she said this BM have been jealous of me for a long time</strong>. I didn't want to believe that....
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

Regardless of being jealous or not, it does not excuse how she is acting. It is possible that something bad has happened, but it takes 2 mins to send a text/email or a quick call to let you know that something is going on and that she just doesn't have the time to be there for you like she originally planned.
 
Call her one more time, and leave a NWR message checking up on her, if she doesn't respond I would take that as her asnwer. If she calls you the day before your wedding..... only you can decide what to do.

krose83013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:398ad09b-cd86-4716-b3b3-9e824535a484">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM is no longer in wedding : Only my MOH knows who she is but doesn't have her phone number. When I told my MOH what is going on she said she wasn't surprised, she said this BM have been jealous of me for a long time. I didn't want to believe that....
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

Don't listen to the gossip, unless you know for a fact it's true. Otherwise it will just cause more drama and issues for you.

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:990af9d2-bbe7-432c-83ba-3b17a967fa15">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, it sounds like she doesn't want to be bothered.  Quite honestly, if I were avoiding your calls and texts and you showed up at my house, I'd be a little weirded out.  I might pick up a cute card and send her a note like "Hey, I miss talking with you, I hope everything's okay!  Give me a call so we can catch up!"  Stamp, mail, move on.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

We share a mind today.  Showing up at her house after she's been ignoring you is a little stalkery.

Matty143

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:eae35ce2-b1ba-4e49-a22a-1e60fbca7ec5">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I really don't see the problem with finding a dress for X price and asking if that's ok.  It's not like she said "this is the price and you're going to pay it or else."  I'll be honest, if my friend was completely ignoring me I probably wouldn't pay for the dress unless my name was on a contract or something.  I wouldn't leave her any messages about not being in the bridal party, though.  That would pretty much be the nail in the coffin of the relationship.  If she gets her dress and shows up in the day of the wedding, great.  If she shows up as a guest, great.  If she doesn't show up or contact you at all, I guess you'll just have to accept that and move on.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

Ditto this.
The issue is that the deadline has passed, not how much the dress was.

whitsy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-is-no-longer-in-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:62f24bf1-3d38-432d-a879-6a50208d283ePost:990af9d2-bbe7-432c-83ba-3b17a967fa15">Re: BM is no longer in wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, it sounds like she doesn't want to be bothered.  Quite honestly, if I were avoiding your calls and texts and you showed up at my house, I'd be a little weirded out.  I might pick up a cute card and send her a note like "Hey, I miss talking with you, I hope everything's okay!  Give me a call so we can catch up!"  Stamp, mail, move on.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>Yep. It sounds like you've done as much as you can. Showing up at her house might be super awkward, especially if there's something going on that you don't know about. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm assuming also, that you'll have to pay for the dress. The seamstress isn't going to be happy about not getting payment for her work. Even if the dress doesn't get worn, I would feel so bad, as the bride, leaving one of my vendors hanging because my BM flaked out. We paid for a tux because of this very issue.</div>