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How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?

So the short story is that I don't want to invite my Mom's side of the family.

The longer version is that my fiance is Belgian and after the wedding I will be moving to Belgium. I want to have people at my wedding that I love and mean something to me, not people who I need to invite because of wedding politics. The venue for our reception is my cousin's lake house. It is where my fiance proposed and very sentimental to us. So there's really no chance of us changing the venue. That being said, we're pushing the capcity there by having about 55 people we really want to be there, mostly members of my family (aka my Dad's side of the family) and some close friends. If I were to invite my mother's side of the family, that would add another 17 people (and I'd still have to fight about my refusal to invite certain people) and nearly 80 people would be WAY too much for our reception venue.

I am not close at all with my mother's side of the family and don't like 99% of them. Yet if I don't invite them, they will be really offended (and I have a peacemaker personality that makes me a bit unhappy at this idea). So I've thought about inviting them to the wedding and not the reception (obviously making sure they knew not to bring gifts), but apparently that is a huge breach of wedding etiquette. Then I thought maybe we could have a really small reception at the church for just them (since it's a morning wedding and that'll give everyone else time to get from the church to the lake house), but I'm not sure there will be room at the church to even do that. So I then thought of leaving the decision up to my mother: either they don't come at all or they just come to the wedding. She's not paying for anything. My fiance and I are trying to do it all, but Daddy will chip in if need be (the problem of flight costs is what is making me stress). There's really no way we could afford a reception hall and catering and all of that anyway (we're doing a more casual buffet style reception). I've thought all about the fact that this is my special day and something I should have my way. I don't want it to be marred by fighting and snarkiness; however, I'm not seeing a way to avoid it.

A couple of other things to note: The people I would allow at my wedding are the ones with the least amount of travel time of anyone (with the exception of my cousin who owns the lake house). So on the one hand, would it be even more rude not to invite them? On the other hand, would it make it more acceptable to just say "Hey, I'd like you at the wedding but we're having a small reception and so don't worry about a gift"? And my fiance doesn't like that side of my familly, either, so he really would prefer them not there. And my Dad doesn't like them and doesn't really want them at his cousin's house (and I don't blame him).

Sorry for making this so long, but I wanted to include all the details. If you've made it this far through, congrats! lol Does anyone have any suggestions that could help?

Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?

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    Don't invite them..if u don't like them forget what they think....they r apparently not worth it
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    edited December 2012
    A wedding is a ceremony and a reception, so I don't understand what you mean by "just the wedding." 

    If you do not want them there, and you are paying, do not invite them. You have decided on the venue being more important to you than inviting everyone- and that's fine, that's your priorities. But if that's the decision you've made, own it. Don't invite them, don't talk about the wedding with them, and stop expecting gifts from them. If anyone brings it up, just say "Sorry, but we couldn't invite everyone we wanted. How has your Holiday been?"
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    I would not invite people to the ceremony only. These are family (even if you don't like them), traveling and maybe purchasing a gift to celebrate your wedding with you, so you need to thank them all for coming with some sort of reception (cake and punch in the church is fine, as long as it doesn't fall on a mealtime). But to then have an additional party in the afternoon/evening with only the family you like would be rude to me. What happens when they find out at the church reception that there is another party but they weren't invited? Telling them not to bring a gift because they aren't invited to the second reception won't make it better.

    Your options are to invite all 80 people you need to host a reception somewhere where you can host all 80 guests.. OR, you only invite the # that you can host in your venue. Although 55 is not what I would consider "intimate" it's definitely a fairly small wedding. If you're asked about it just tell them for budget/venue/personal reason you are having an intimate wedding and can't invite everyone that you would like, and be done with it.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:d46133dd-d64f-4276-a2ce-b05ddc6cc5ec">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Moonlight, she said "the wedding but not the reception" so I assume she meant only inviting them to the ceremony.
    Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]
    Yes, but I'm pointint out a wedding is both, so unless she's having two receptions, if she invites them to "just the wedding" they'll think they're going to the whole thing.
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    The best way forward is not to invite them at all.  What does your mom say?

    Inviting them to the ceremony and not the reception is rude.  Don't do that. 

    Saying anything to them about not expecting gifts is rude.  It implies that you may have been expecting them in the first place. Don't do that either.
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    Thanks for your thoughts, everyone!

    Eddie Bee: Yes, my mother does want them there. Unfortunately, this also includes some people I will have to refuse to invite regardless of my decision on this matter, so she won't be happy anyway.

    n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:7bc3e2f5-3a1c-4920-8ff7-7fc0a34e5f27">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]A wedding is a ceremony and a reception, so I don't understand what you mean by "just the wedding."  If you do not want them there, and you are paying, do not invite them. You have decided on the venue being more important to you than inviting everyone- and that's fine, that's your priorities. But if that's the decision you've made, own it. Don't invite them, don't talk about the wedding with them, and stop expecting gifts from them. If anyone brings it up, just say "Sorry, but we couldn't invite everyone we wanted. How has your Holiday been?"
    Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

    I am owning my decision, I am just hoping for a way to make it less...harsh? I guess. And I hardly expect any gifts from them, which is why I made the point of saying in my opening post that I would make sure they understood that. However, I understand Loopy's point on that about it seeming rude. And yes, I did mean to the ceremony and not the reception. Sorry about being confusing about that and thanks for pointing that out!

    LoopySeven: My mom wants it all her way. She's been trying to convince me to change wedding location and/or reception venue.

    My mom's side of the family has been extremely rude to not only me but also people I really love to the point of being abusive at times. Which is why I don't want them around. I guess that makes the decision pretty clear, especially with all the feedback you all have given me already. And yet, I still don't like disappointing people and being the cause of conflict. However, I know I can't please everyone in this case. Besides, we're already having to deal with two receptions anyone. One over here after the wedding and then one in Belgium for my fiance's family and friends who won't be able to make the trip over.
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    allychaseallychase member
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    edited December 2012
    Let us know if Belgium sucks less than America
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    I may have missed this, but who is paying?  If your mom wants them there and she is paying, then that will be tricky to forbid them from coming.  If you and FI are paying, then you have every right to control the guestlist.  But, you have picked your venue and you have a capacity so you need to respect that.  Does your mom know why you don't want to invite them?
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    All choices, good or bad, right or wrong have consequences.

    Not inviting your mom's entire side of the family sends a very clear message.   Personally it's not one I would choose, but you certain are within your rights to not invite them.

    You don't like them and moving to Belgium.  More than likely will not interact with them anyway, I doubt I would care about their feelings.

    My mom's feelings however I would care about.  Is there anyway to only invite her siblings or something like that?  Kind-of throws a bone to her, but you don't have to invite the entire family.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    I stopped reading at "I have a peacemaker personality." I've never heard that euphemism for "I'm a doormat" before.
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    I never understand the concept behind "if I don't invite them to the reception, or I tell them it's just a small reception, they will know they don't need to bring a gift."  Even people who attend both the ceremony and reception don't NEED to bring a gift. Just leave any info about gifts out of it. 

    If you are not close to these people and don't like them, I see no reason to invite them all to your wedding. As PPs suggested, it might be nice if you invite your mom's siblings so her whole family isn't completely snubbed. I agree I would worry a little about my mom's feelings with that. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:e4b87ea2-b3e3-42a0-aa99-52829d64ac1f">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]All choices, good or bad, right or wrong have consequences. Not inviting your mom's entire side of the family sends a very clear message.   Personally it's not one I would choose, but you certain are within your rights to not invite them. You don't like them and moving to Belgium.  More than likely will not interact with them anyway, I doubt I would care about their feelings. My mom's feelings however I would care about.  Is there anyway to only invite her siblings or something like that?  Kind-of throws a bone to her, but you don't have to invite the entire family.
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    Thank you, Lynda. I think you have summed up my exact feelings. I don't care about them. They have been rude, and at times, abusive. But at the same time, I do care about my mom's feelings, even though I know to make her really happy, I'd have to invite people I refuse to interact with on a daily basis, let alone on one of the most important days of my life.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:2243f78f-61e6-4f69-ba5b-2ffa58077f29">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Agree with Lynda. Can you invite mom's siblings, or a handful of relatives she is closest to, just so you aren't snubbing the whole family? You said you dislike 99% of them, so who is the 1%? Everyone that gets an invite needs to be invited to every part of the day, no ceremony only invites, or invites for snacks right after the ceremony, while all the loved guests are gearing up for the party at the lake.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    The one percent are my grandparents, who are too sick to be able to attend, and one of my cousins, who if I invited, I'd have to invite her mother (since she's too young to drive) then that means a lot of infighting over why "she got invited and not us." However, the idea of inviting just my aunts and uncles (for a total of 5) does seem like a posibility. It would give my mom a little something, even though at the same time, these are some of the people who I dislike the most. But I guess I can't have my cake and eat it, too, huh? lol
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:46d7bb48-98d8-4ef3-a00b-dfac34e9c19e">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You say you are owning your decision, OK, then own it. You can not invite people to the ceremony, but not the reception (and btw, if you were not inviting them to the reception because you didn'l like them, why would you even both asking this?  Of course, if you were not inviting them to the reception them because of money or size limits, then it would still be wrong, but the question would at least make sense).  Do not make the excuse to anyone that the venue won't hold more people. The decision to use that venue was yours.  I get it that is romantic, but you could have had a very simple wedding elsewhere.  So own your decision . Tell your mom, no your relatives are not invited.  Do not put anything about the wedding on Facebook, do not discuss with non-invitees.  If you have any siblings, let them know that mom's family is not invited, so they do not discuss with them.  Many people would regard your not inviting any of your mother's relatives as harsh on your part.  btw, you are not having a second wedding reception in Belgium.  That can be a welcome to Belgium party or whatever, but it is not a reception.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    The reason I am asking is because it will be a fight with my mother regarding this, one she will not let go. And yes, it has been brought up once already (in answer to the people who have asked about that). I am a bit confused by your next statement. You say if it was money or size limitations then that would be understandable, while still rude, but I should not make the excuse that the venue won't hold everyone. Are you saying that because you believe that isn't true or because you think I'd just be using it as an excuse to cover my real reason? Here is the fact: The church CAN two to three times the number of people that the reception venue can hold. I really AM pushing it at 55. And yes, I do not like these people and don't want them there. However, I am hoping for a comprimise that everyone could live with. I had originally thought of just the ceremony invitation without knowing it was considered very rude. Once I fought that out, I have been trying to think of other ways to make an acceptable comprimise. And trust me, this is pretty darn simple. Doesn't get much simpler for us unless we invite only our parents, my siblings, and have a tiny get together dinner at my house. Yes, it is harsh, which again, is why I am hoping for a comprimise idea from posters here. Of course, it might not be possible, but I am trying to figure something out, not avoid owning my decision or the consequences of it. Oh and btw why can it not be a second reception in Belgium? Is there some etiquette point I am unaware of that makes a second reception on a different day with family who could not come to the ceremony as taboo?

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:12589392-e909-4006-89ab-a763a866388b">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I stopped reading at "I have a peacemaker personality." I've never heard that euphemism for "I'm a doormat" before.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    I'm not sure why you felt the need to be rude and condescending when I was asking for help and suggestions. I am not a doormat. I have let myself be walked over in the past, so trust me, I know the difference. As I said to NYUGirl above, I was just hoping for a comprimise that everyone could deal with instead of something I'll hate or my mom and her family will hate.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:94a2bcca-e121-44cd-af7c-fcd936f6294d">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]oh please, if OP did have a peacemaker personality, she would have had a cake and punch reception at the church.  She is not a peacemaker or a doormat.  She wants her wedding at the lake house, but won't own the consequences.  She keeps looking for an out, and there is none.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    You do not know me and can hardly judge me based on one question I posted on a forum. I asked here because I figured fellow brides may have faced similar issues and might have a suggestion I had not thought of. I'm sure we have all dealt with wedding issues that we were not happy about and wanted to work out a solution that would be a nice comprimise. There is no need personally attack me as someone who won't own the consequences. I am all too aware of them. I am not looking for an out, just some ideas on how to handle the situation. Also, I DID mention the idea of having a small reception at the church as an idea.


    Also, to answer a couple of other people's question, my fiance and I are paying for everything. My dad has offered to help out if we need it. It's not that we don't appreciate the help, we just want to avoid the financial strain on him if at all possible. However, if he does end up chipping in, then his insistence that my mom's family not be at his cousin's house does gain even more weight.
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    <div>In Response to Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?:</div><div>[QUOTE]I stopped reading at "I have a peacemaker personality." I've never heard that euphemism for "I'm a doormat" before.</div><div>Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]</div><div>
    </div><div>I am her fiance and I can tell you she is no doormat! If you stopped reading at that point already, it probably means you have a hard time reading more then a few phrases without having a headache. Reading something without pictures is hard for you isn't it?</div><div>
    </div><div>[QUOTE]oh please, if OP did have a peacemaker personality, she would have had a cake and punch reception at the church.  She is not a peacemaker or a doormat.  She wants her wedding at the lake house, but won't own the consequences.  She keeps looking for an out, and there is none.</div><div>Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]</div><div>
    </div><div>We are willing to live with the consequences, heck, we tell our minds to our family all the time.  It's just that this being the most important day of our lives we would like to not have some kind of family war because of what we decided.  Because at the end of the day, we are leaving for Belgium together and will as someone already said not have to deal with that part of the family.</div><div>
    </div><div>To those who chose to be rude instead of helpful, grow up and next time you do not get invited to a wedding think of today and how you maybe have deserved it.</div><div>
    </div><div>To all those who were helpful, I'm sorry for this attackpost, but when it comes to my angel I will not let anyone insult or judge her on a few lines of text.</div>
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    To the OP: If the family from Belgium are invited but decline, it is perfectly acceptable to have some sort of celebration with them in Belgium, but I wouldn't call it a wedding reception, and I would stay away from things like bridal parties, first dances, cake cutting, wearing a full on wedding gown, etc.  However, if the Belgium family is insisting on making it wedding like, that might be a different story.  If you are not even inviting the belgium family to the wedding here in the states, it would be rude to have a party with them later on and say it's wedding related.  You could however have a meet and greet party though, as long as it has no wedding elements.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:eb93871f-3efd-45b4-a191-f58b3b839afa">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]From FieryPenguin - "We are willing to live with the consequences, heck, we tell our minds to our family all the time. It's just that this being the most important day of our lives we would like to not have some kind of family war because of what we decided. Because at the end of the day, we are leaving for Belgium together and will as someone already said not have to deal with that part of the family." You cannot expect not to have some kind of family war if you do not invite bride's mother's close relatives.  That is what I mean when I say your fiance (and now you) do not own your decision. You two have to accept that the mosther may be angry.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ok, now I understand more how you meant it.  We are willing to live with her mother not being happy, we are just trying not to antagonize the entire family.  Thus why she was asking for suggestions.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:b384b3a4-afb9-4645-92e3-32450d847ffd">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]To the OP: If the family from Belgium are invited but decline, it is perfectly acceptable to have some sort of celebration with them in Belgium, but I wouldn't call it a wedding reception, and I would stay away from things like bridal parties, first dances, cake cutting, wearing a full on wedding gown, etc.  However, if the Belgium family is insisting on making it wedding like, that might be a different story.  If you are not even inviting the belgium family to the wedding here in the states, it would be rude to have a party with them later on and say it's wedding related.  You could however have a meet and greet party though, as long as it has no wedding elements.
    Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, SB. It's not that we don't want to invite them or don't want them at the wedding, because we do. We just already know from conversations with them that they cannot attend either to financial or health reasons. In fact, the only one of my fiance's family who will be able to attend is his mother. Not even his dad can make it. So we wanted to do something special for all his family and friends in Belgium to make sure they feel involved in the wedding. So I saw this idea and thought it wouldn't be an etiquette breach to do this: <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-reception-planning/qa/can-we-have-two-wedding-receptions.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-reception-planning/qa/can-we-have-two-wedding-receptions.aspx</a>
    Thanks for giving me some ideas to think about.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:0d7312b4-8057-45d5-ab50-67956e66b593">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite? : Thanks, SB. It's not that we don't want to invite them or don't want them at the wedding, because we do. We just already know from conversations with them that they cannot attend either to financial or health reasons. In fact, the only one of my fiance's family who will be able to attend is his mother. Not even his dad can make it. So we wanted to do something special for all his family and friends in Belgium to make sure they feel involved in the wedding. So I saw this idea and thought it wouldn't be an etiquette breach to do this: <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-reception-planning/qa/can-we-have-two-wedding-receptions.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-reception-planning/qa/can-we-have-two-wedding-receptions.aspx</a> Thanks for giving me some ideas to think about.
    Posted by fieryangel[/QUOTE]

    Yup but just remember in that response, they sent invites to people even if they knew they would decline.  So I still say that to make having the party in belgium not rude, spend the money on invitations and stamps for those guests so they are invited.  It's sort of similar to people who have an at home reception after a destination wedding.  It's perfectly fine for a bride and groom to have a reception in their hometime after a destination wedding, <strong>BUT</strong>, it's key that<strong> guests who are invited to attend the at home reception were also invited to the original destination wedding.</strong>  So, invite the belgium relatives even though you already know they will decline.  also, is there anyway for you and FI to stream the ceremony via skype so the family over there can watch you get married in realtime?
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    As I understand it, your question boils down to whether you need to invite your mom's siblings (5) or not. Nobody but you can decide that. Good luck!
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    In Response to Re:How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?:Let us know if Belgium sucks less than AmericaPosted by allychase
    Um, what?

    Don't you have some photoshopping to do? If you don't like America, then you can kindly GTFO. Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

    Personal attacks because of a sarcastic comment I made not pertaining to you. Love it!
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    I have two suggestions but can you answer two questions first? Have you sent out invitations yet and did your mother tell her family yet?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:d11623c0-e5b1-4e6e-9a3d-4c0da09bdb83">Re:How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite? : Um, you didn't sound very sarcastic.  And who exactly WAS your comment directed to?  The OP?  Does that mean no one else can take offense to it?
    Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Um, well I was. Sorry I forgot to use sarcastic font. Please don't ban me! </div><div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:a88a739c-eb8d-440c-a4c0-933d14ff7387">Re:How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite? : How could this possibly be sarcastic? It makes you sound like an uniformed dillhole. Have you even been to other countries?
    Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>It's sarcastic as in it has nothing to do with OP because she sounded so ridiculous I had nothing else to say. Yes I have been to other countries. And as the FI of a government employee I'm the furthest from an uninformed dillhole. Everyone get your damn panties out of a bunch. </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:2eda2255-1561-4756-8a3d-aa2abaf85aa3">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite? : Yup but just remember in that response, they sent invites to people even if they knew they would decline.  So I still say that to make having the party in belgium not rude, spend the money on invitations and stamps for those guests so they are invited.  It's sort of similar to people who have an at home reception after a destination wedding.  It's perfectly fine for a bride and groom to have a reception in their hometime after a destination wedding, BUT , it's key that guests who are invited to attend the at home reception were also invited to the original destination wedding.   So, invite the belgium relatives even though you already know they will decline.  also, is there anyway for you and FI to stream the ceremony via skype so the family over there can watch you get married in realtime?
    Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

    I understand exactly your point. Thanks for your thoughts on this! The cost of the invitations isn't something of too big of a concern for us since we want to be making them ourselves. My FI is really good at Photoshop and the like, so we'll design the invitations and print them out, etc. We had actually thought a little about streaming the wedding via Skype for his Dad, but not the whole family. It's definitely something to consider and see if we can swing it! The problem might be the signal not being too good. We'll have to see what we can work out.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:6dbc0e43-807e-4336-97e6-3d769b569c72">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]As I understand it, your question boils down to whether you need to invite your mom's siblings (5) or not. Nobody but you can decide that. Good luck!
    Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

    Yes, I guess that is what it all boils down to. Thanks for the good luck thoughts! :)

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:1df33047-49c2-45d7-83c7-22342c5ace10">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have two suggestions but can you answer two questions first? Have you sent out invitations yet and did your mother tell her family yet?
    Posted by Kaie[/QUOTE]

    No, my wedding is not for nearly a year and a half. So I'm just trying to think things through before it comes to actually sending out invites. I'm not sure if my mother told her family my thoughts on the matter yet. I highly doubt it, though, because she is intent on changing my mind and wouldn't want them to know about the "indecision" that led up to it.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-should-i-deal-with-familly-i-dont-want-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:63abb19e-8008-47a1-9c3b-148deded063bPost:86854f8c-35a5-466d-afa1-998b5b2c551e">Re: How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You really need to read a book called "The Power of No." NO Is not a four-letter word.  You are not a bad person for saying it. You're an adult now, and should start standing up to mom.  What if you have children?  Will she become overbearing with them, too?  You'll be an ocean away from her, and these people.  Don't invite them. "Mom, the guest list  is set.  Have you tried this bean dip?  It's delicious." Keep offering the bean dip, chips to go with it, and remarks about how good it tastes regardless of how much she raves.  She can't discuss something if you won't participate.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Thank you. If it comes down to it, this is definitely what I will do. And I know that is what it will come down to because my mother doesn't like to let things go. It's not that I haven't stood up to her before, because she knows very well that when I get set into a position, I won't budge with her, but I have just been wondering about ways to avoid the full on confrontation if possible. That is all.


    I think perhaps another thing I should note here is that, oddly enough, I have never been to an American wedding, only European. It is very common there to invite people to only part of the wedding, either reception only, ceremony only, or ceremony and party but not the sit down meal. So I am used to the European etiquette where it is quite acceptable to do something like I had originally been thinking about. So I was really rather surprised to find out how rude it is considered to be here. To me, the most important part is the ceremony, not the reception. That's just a party, which people can do all the time. But I understand that for Americans (at least in the last 30 or 40 years) it is considered the B&G's way of thanking their guests. I guess I have weird European tendencies and have been heavily influenced by my family and friends there. :D
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    In Response to Re:How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?:In Response to Re:How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite? : It's sarcastic as in it has nothing to do with OP because she sounded so ridiculous I had nothing else to say. Yes I have been to other countries. And as the FI of a government employee I'm the furthest from an uninformed dillhole. Everyone get your damn panties out of a bunch.nbsp;Posted by allychaseWell you didn't need to say that either. Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

    And as far as I'm concerned you're a psycho so I'm taking your advice or opinions with a grain of salt.
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    In Response to Re:How should I deal with familly I don't want to invite?:[QUOTE]Not wearing any panties so they couldn't possibly be in a bunch. So you don't like OPs post so you insult the country you live in instead? Yeah. That makes sense. /sarcasm Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

    I said "sucks less than America" insinuating America sucks a little sometimes. Belgium might suck too. But maybe a little less. You're really over thinking this.
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