Give me the ass kicking I need (long & LJish)

YaPuppy

M & I have been close friends since age 5 (we're 28).  I got engaged and asked her to be a bridesmaid and 2 months later so did she, and asked me the same.  She set her date for end of April, and we set ours for beginning of March.  She threw a small fit about mine being too close to hers.  I refrained from directing her here for a "you get 1 day, not 2 months" talk.  I said we picked it because its a destination wedding, and part of the appeal is going away somewhere warm when its cold up here - all of which she knew when she said yes.

A week later she told me she couldn't afford to go to our wedding (we got everyone  the cheapest packages we could find: $550 a person for roundtrip airfare and 3 days hotel, but obviously understand not everyone can swing it) or take another day off work without getting fired.

Shes called me several times since, inviting me to lunch saying "she took off work because she just couldn't deal with it today"  She lives down the block from the owner of the Mets, goes away frequently, eats out all week, etc.  Is it my business how she spends her money or time?  Absolutely not - but don't lie to me and say you don't have the money and can't take off, just tell me you don't want to come.  I'm a big girl, I know my wedding is not as important to anyone as it is to us.  For what its worth, I never asked her to take off Friday for my wedding, I didn't care if she got there Sat. an hour before the ceremony if that worked for her. 

Last night I got an email from her sister/MOH about her bachelorette party.  It's the week after my wedding, in Miami and requires everyone to miss work on Friday to fly out.  It's also at the Ritz, for 2 nights at $1300 a person.  Another bridesmaid wrote back about spending the night at a cheaper hotel and still partying with everyone the rest of the time, and was pretty much told "this is it, if you're going its at the Ritz."
The email just kind of irked me, and now I'm supposed to be in her wedding, and I don't get why she even asked

Ok, for those of you who made it, have at it.  Am I overreacting?  I feel like I am, but I've also had a few people tell me I'm crazy to still pursue this friendship.  At this point I just want to get through it and then let it fade

Nebb

I think your friend is being incredibly selfish and not being honest. Im guessing she isnt paying for her share of the Bachelorette, that is a hefty bill to have paid for you. Wow.

kkchisholm

If anyone wanted me to pay 1300+ just for the bparty. I would politely decline... especially If I was planning my own wedding.

banana468

Why do they get to tell the guests where they'll sleep?

I'd say no rather quickly to that "nonvitation".

julezlee

I think that's all pretty crappy. 

Is she paying for herself for the bach party or is her portion being added on to everyone else's tab as well?   

As a side note, I would love to go to a destination wedding for only $550!

laurenclaire1386

She sounds like a real gem. I'd be completely frustrated and I'd tell her bach party to suck it. Not any individual people of course, but I'd definitely not be available that weekend.

becandjim10

ehh sounds snotty to me, skip the party and spend the week celebrating your recent wedding.

Koopa17

Dude, I see now overreaction here (at least not on your part).  She's being ridiculous.  Is she usually this self absorbed?

EDIT - oops, I mean't NO overreaction.  I'm a bit frazzled today

YaPuppy

Thanks for all the comments, and for wading through all that mess!  I guess shes kind of always been this way to a degree, I don't know if its the money thing or not.  I know we really never know another persons finances, but yeah shes kind of rich and used to stuff like that.  As for her cost, yeah thats getting absorbed into our part of the bill, but it hasn't been factored in until they find out how many are going.  I think I am going to have to decline going for sure on this one

banana468

And FWIW, unless the friend said, "You're at the Ritz or you're not there" then I wouldn't hold it against her.

But I would still most likely not go.

$1300 for a bachelorette before you've done anything is insane.  I assume that you'd also have to buy your food for the weekend too?

Yeah, I'd pull the, "Oh I'm sorry but that's just too much money and with the wedding coming up, I'm tapped out," card.

Nebb

Um yeah, please decline that asap. She seems a bit self absorbed to be honest.

terbear_86

I would decline the b-party, most definitely. That is more than double what you asked her to spend on your entire wedding and she declined, but you can pay for the Ritz for her? I don't think so. That would probably end my friendship with her too, but that's because I am a big b!tch. I have a line, she crossed it.

YaPuppy

I think the too nice part of me may have come up with a way to swing it before all of this to be honest.  But I'm also shelling out 300 for a dress I'll never wear again, etc etc. I know I said yes to being in the wedding knowing that, but the Ritz is definitely a big extra I don't think several of us saw coming

Nebb

Agreeing to be in the wedding doesnt mean being obligated to spending $1300 on a bach party. If she has an issue with that please tell us so we can mock her.

lauralaur

Tell them you'd love to go to the bachelorette, you just need to make a quick stop at the giant freaking money tree that's clearly growing in your backyard.

And $550 for a weekend long vacation, flight and hotel, is amazing.

september's bride

$550 for a destination wedding = a great deal that I would make work

$1300 for a bparty = effing ridiculous and unnecessary!

I don't see how you're in the wrong here, at all. It's not fair that she can pull the "I can't afford it" card but then turns around and springs that kind of bill on people.

BecW2be

You are not overreacting at all! That's insane. Dump her!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Watch her throw a fit when only 2 people show up at her bachelorette party. The host and her sister, most likely.

banana468

That you're already spending $300 is too much.

Sounds like girlfriend may not be dealing with reality. 

With a "friend" like that, I wouldn't feel so bad saying that you're not going to do it.   Don't be snippy about it.  Just be matter of fact.

I'm rather curious about how many people are going.

FWIW, there's no way I'd be cool with DH spending that kind of cash on a boy's weekend either and we're in financially fine shape and our wedding was years ago.    As it was, BIL and SIL's joint bachelor/bachelorette (same city but different agendas) was a trip for us but not that expensive...or probably no one would have gone!

amalama

Seriously I think my sisters whole wedding cost about as much as that chick's bachelorette. That's insane. I would expect you won't be the only one declining that party.

I don't think you are being selfish. Yes she is entitled to spend her money how she wants, so I wouldn't say anything about that part but it would still hurt my feelings, especially because your wedding sounds like a great deal.

EmmaBride2B

1300 for a bparty is obscene. Granted, I'm a college student, so my $$ scale is a bit skewed. 

But, for that amount of money two people could go to your wedding.

tlv204

I would 100% NOT attend the bachelorette party, and honestly I'm about 75% sure I wouldn't be a bridesmaid anymore. I know that's a lot easier to say than do, but even though I know nothing about her as a person and can't really tell you whether to end the friendship or not, this wedding seems like more pain than it's worth.

I would, however, give that MOH a swift kick to the nuts/chestacles and tell her I'd stay wherever the fuuck I want and if she keeps it up the bride is going to have a total of 2 people at her bach party. What a fruitcake. I have a friend who does things like that and likes to judge people for being cheap when they don't like the same yuppy stupid things that she likes to waste her money on, and I just decided pretty recently to cut off almost all contact with her. No one should ever make you feel bad for having solid financial priorities. I'm sure she's all caught up in the moment and wants her sister to have a good time, but dude, that doesn't mean you stop respecting your fellow human beings.

beatlesgirl25

Terrible. I agree that it is your friend that needs the ass-kicking, not you. And even though you didn't say this, it feels to me like her planning her b-party one week after your wedding (and for over twice as much!) is a passive aggressive way to express her being upset that you planned your wedding "around" hers. I hope she is able to step back and see how unreasonable and demanding she is being with people's time and money, if even after your weddings are over.

ootmother2

I would decline the bach party invite.

On of M's friends planned for her sister's bach party to be in Iceland.  Everyone declined.

no bach party

MyNameIsNot

If you go to that b-party and shell out $1300, you deserve to get your ass kicked.

Please respond to the emaill with a reply all saying that's just too much for you to spend on a b-party.  The other girls need to see that they are not alone.

ring_pop

I'd definitely decline the b-party, and honestly I think the "too nice" part of you is kind of a pushover. But then again, I don't know your financial situation; maybe $1,300 isn't a big deal. To me, it is.

thesuninherhead

Obviously she couldn't afford your wedding- she's too busy saving for her bach party. 

 

How she spends her money isn't your business, you're right, but you're also right if you take this situation as evidence that she cares less about you and more about yourself than you might be comfortable with in a friendship.

StephHalm

I don't think your in the wrong. 1300 for a bachlorette party? That's more than I spent on my wedding dress!!!! Also, she got engaged after you if I read your post right. She picked her date after you. How can she complain that your date is to close to hers? She know yours when she picked it! I def. feel for you - she seems a little high maintenance.