guest list problem with my mom

jolynn326

Hey ladies... My guy and I are having a huge problem with my mom about the guest list. I'm headed to my parents for the weekend, and since the invites go out in about a month, I really want to get it figured out. Here's the scoop...

Grew up and getting married in a small community of about 300. Not all 300 are invited, but a lot of them are. It's customary, and for the most part I'm very close to people at home and okay with inviting most of them. Problem is that, admittedly, the guest list is huge. It's so huge that I'm embarassed to even tell you how large it is. It's about 30% larger than what I think our MAX capacity is for the ceremony/reception.

Mom is convinced that enough people won't show and that it will all work out okay. She's so convinved, in fact, that she's stubbornly refusing me to remove about 30 people from the list who I've never met. And these aren't long-time friends of my parents--they're families who have moved into the community in the last year or two (barely acquaintances with my family). Frankly, more than just those 30 should probably be removed, but I'm focused on them right now because that seems like an easy decision since I don't know them.

I've gotten lots of advice on how to handle this (key point - my parents are paying for the wedding), but I want to know what you all think. Should I trust her judgment on who will and won't show? Should I conceed on those people but ask her to help me get the list to X number? Should I not invite those people and deal with a mad mama (who I'm very close to and normally don't disagree like this)?

Sorry for the long explanation, and p.s., my guy is on my side (and so is my dad!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Do not invite over your venue capacity.

Frankly, I wouldn't invite them, period. But do it on the sly if she just does not get it. It sounds like you already tried to plead with her. Tell you mom after the fact if you are afraid she'll run into these people and talk to them about it.

mocha beans

Invite no more than your venue can comfortably hold.  Period.  You cannot count on people not coming, because what are you going to do if they do end up showing up?  Turn them away at the door?  Say sorry, there's no food?

You need to tell mom that your guest list can be X, and that's final.

georgia_bride09

Even though your mom is paying, it's really rude to invite more people than your venue can hold, so you should try to talk her out of it. Especially since the majority of your guests are local, you HAVE to expect 100% attendance.

Mrs.B6302007

You should absolutely get that list down to at or under capacity.

britne28

I'm always amazed at reading about parents that get so upset over the guest list.  It's not their wedding!  They aren't standing up in front of the crowd. 

Like the PPs, never invite more than capacity, because you can't guarantee how many will be no-shows and it will be very awkward for those who can't get in.

LarissaAnn

I know B lists are frowned upon, but these people shouldn't be on the list at all.  Talk to mom about B-listing them and invite them only if you get enough "no" responses that they'll fit in the room.  Maybe that'd calm her down a bit?

jolynn326

When I was so upset about this, mom said (angrily) to just not invite them if I was going to be so upset about it. But then she added that if she wants to invite them later, she will, and I'd have to deal with it.

I had thought of the B list (only for these people that I don't even know anyway), but I just don't think it will work because they likely see people who are legitimately invited to the wedding daily.

I have tried every way of pleading my case to her, even saying that such a big list is embarassing to me because it feels like Chris and I are being put on display and/or we are greedy for gifts or something like that. I also told her that it's a special day to us (like THE special day) and that I want people to be there who care and have been involved in our lives, rather than them coming because it's a "perk" of living where they do.

Two suggestions that I've received were to say to mom that I trust her judgment about attendance but ask her for her plan b which might force her to think through this more than she has so far. Also to talk to her and together agree on a max number and then each of us go through the list independently to see what we come up with.

It's hard to say what the true max is for our reception (I grew up in a farming community where people don't think about those kids of things), but I'm pretty sure the max for the ceremony is 300.

This is so hard for me because normally my mom is not like this! She sounds like a monster about this issue, and I don't know how to interact with her when she's so unreasonable because normally she isn't.

FutureMrsTR

I think it's important to stress to your mom the problem of inviting more people than the venue can hold.  It will be really embarassing for you and her if they all show up and there's no seats and no food for them.

I would tell her, "Mom, this is the number of guests the venue can hold so let's work together to get the list down to a reasonable number" 

If she won't listen to logic and you are sending the invites yourself, I would just not send the ones you don't want to send.  I think the whole "asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission" might apply if your mom is being unnecessarily difficult.

Mrs.B6302007

Send your mom here; we'll straighten her out. :-)

Have you tried the approach that it's not fair nor hospitable to your guests to over-invite and that people will speak poorly of all of your family if you do this?   Don't make it about you being embarrassed about being in the center of attention.

mmdpm

I was told to think of guests lists this way.  If you invite X will it make your day more special and will you miss them if they are not there?  Also vice versa will they feel bad if they are not there.  If the answers are not yes then when the guest list needs to be cut, these are the people that need to be cut.

If the venue allowed all the people in the world, then go for it, but since it won't make cuts and don't go over capacity. 

tb583

I think you should always assume that 100% of those invited will show up, especially if everyone is local (by your post I am assuming most are).  FWIW, I sent out 220 invitations and have gotten 111 back- only 11 have RSVP'd "no".

jolynn326

Mrs. B - I'd love to!

I will definitely try the hospitality approach as Mama is the hospitality queen. I just worry it may backfire if she thinks that not inviting people would be less hospitable.

For some reason she thinks that men and children will not attend with their wives/mothers. I think that's way off base.

She had mentioned at one point cutting some extended family that I am reasonably close to and would like to invite so that the locals could come. That drove me crazy (family over people I don't know), but if she mentioned it again, should I go with it just to get the numbers down?

JanoBean75

If she's adamant about keeping the list over-capacity, she should spring for a larger venue. It's ridiculous to invite that many people and risk having them blocked from coming in or being fed. That'd be way more embarrassing than just not inviting them in the first place!

hayleymajayley

You need to invite your family members before strangers!! That is just ridiculous.  Tell your mom if you have NEVER MET THEM you are not inviting them.