Guest list

dadaguza

So here's the deal.. my parents are paying about 80% of our reception while FI and I are paying the other ~20%. We are also paying for all our vendors. FI's family is not contributing anything towards the reception but they are paying for the rehearsal dinner and FI's mom has offered to chip in some extra cash for our vendors..

Our guest list is 250 people. What would you say is the best/most fair way to divy up the guest list.

Thanks ladies!

KatyRoseM

I would see how many people they want to invite first.  Do you really want to invite everyone you know?  They probably don't want to either.  I would give them a third, your parents a third, and you two a third.  I personally don't think who pays should have that much of an impact, its about your families joining, and celebrating your marriage, not money.  (That being said, some people think its ok to invite more than was designated if you pay more). 

Manwaithiel

You split the guest list between who you and FI and your parents want to invite. Problem solved. She's not paying anything towards the wedding as of right now and therefore gets bare minimum influence. As in, the familiy FI desires to be there will be invited.

My mom is inviting several people who I do not know. But she and my father are also paying for the reception in its entirety. Therefore she has that right. My FI's parents are paying for the RD (maybe) and they are certainly not trying to sneak in extra invites. They've been very conservative with that.

The drama your FMIL has caused with her family is her problem, not yours. And certainly not yours to fix on yours and your family's dime.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-side-invite-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:645382c3-6095-4f43-a3a8-75a0c7432d0ePost:c9af5a5c-6eab-4b31-bc63-d02242e121ce">Re: Groom's side invite list</a>:
[QUOTE]I would see how many people they want to invite first.  Do you really want to invite everyone you know?  They probably don't want to either.  I would give them a third, your parents a third, and you two a third.  I personally don't think who pays should have that much of an impact, its about your families joining, and celebrating your marriage, not money.  (That being said, some people think its ok to invite more than was designated if you pay more). 
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

I think a third of the guest list for each of you is a good starting point. It really isn't about contribution so much at this point- you will probably need to cut some people form each list. Start with the "must haves" of people; those you can't imagine not inviting. Then work your way out from there.

I think you should talk to her more to get an idea of how many people she's wanting to invite. Work with that. But don't let her think that you're automatically going to invite everyone she wants to add, but I think you should give it some consideration. But since she isn't paying for a lot of it, she doesn't get final say at all.

tidetravel

At the very least, you should invite people from the same social circles on FI's family's side as you do your own.  If you invite all of your uncles/aunts/cousins/2nd cousins, etc. you should invite his as well.  I'm not sure exactly who you're considering to be a "FMIL invite" as opposed to simply family invites, but I would recommend that these people be invited, at the minimum.

Manwaithiel

I'm rereading my post, and I think it's not very clear on who should be invited. I think FI's family should be invited per Tide's instructions. But if your FMIL goes inviting a bunch of random friends who are not family at the expense of guests you, FI, or your parents want there...then I'd say, "Sorry FMIL, but there's not room on the guest list for these people," and leave it at that.

strlzfan11

I think tide's advice is spot on.  Invite your FI's family within the same circles that you're planning on inviting your family.  At that point what you may want to do is come up with a split so that your parents, you & your FI, and your FMIL can each invite your friends.

So if the budget can afford 250 people and your family total (both sides) adds up to 150 that leaves you with 100 people to split three ways.  40% for your parents, 40% for you & your FI, and 20% for your FMIL would be an appropriate split since your parents are paying for a majority of the wedding.

brookelynpaisley

I think you're making this far too much about who's paying. You say you don't care that she's not contributing, but it's obvious that you do. This woman is going to be your mother-in-law for (hopefully) the rest of your life. Don't make it about money. Invite his family as Tide advises, and if there's room after and there are friends she really wants to invite, give her a number - say, 10. That's what we did. My ILs didn't pay for any of the wedding (just the RD). My parents and DH and I paid for the wedding, about 70/30. We still respected the fact that DH's parents would want to share our wedding with some of their friends and afforded them 10 invites (out of a 100 people wedding) for non-family.

Rant over. Point being, don't go alienating the person you're going to be spending Thanksgivings with for the rest of your life over money.

jcamm11

She wants to invite people she didn't invite to her own wedding or her daughter's wedding!! She now is telling me those people got offended last time and implied they should therefore be invited to our wedding.. oh sure, easy on someone else's dime!
Posted by dadaguza[/QUOTE]

Those people should automatically be excluded from her list, she shouldn't reward people who think they are entitled to go to her kid's wedding.  Sounds like a line of BS anyways..

jcamm11

I do agree it's not all about money, but only to a point.  Your FMIL seems to have crossed that line.  I think fair solution would be for her to pay for extra people she wants to invite (beyond family).

jcamm11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-side-invite-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:645382c3-6095-4f43-a3a8-75a0c7432d0ePost:313ae83b-3911-4cef-acd5-cc87d0d870ad">Re: Groom's side invite list</a>:
[QUOTE] It's almost like she wants to invite everyone she knows in order to show off.
Posted by dadaguza[/QUOTE]

That's the vibe I got from your original post.  She couldn't afford to do it for her own or her daughter's wedding, but now that it is someone else's money she wants to feel like, as she puts it, a queen.  I think it mostly has to do with the fact your parents are obviously better-off than she is.  This is probably the first time in her life she's ever had access to that kind of budget, and she doesn't realize that just because they are better with their money than she is with her's, doesn't mean they have a limitless supply (or that she has right to it).  I really don't have much for advice, some people just don't get it, it is a childish mentality.

I apologize if I am wrong in this assumption, but the story is ringing really familiar to some events in my life.

redheadfsu

I really think you should divide the guest list into thirds. 1/3 for parents and 1/3 for you. Tell her that she gets 83 and you need the list by X date.

mica178

Come up with a list of your "must-invites," including family from both sides, then figure out how many "extra" invitations you have for friends and split that number between your parents, you and FI and your FMIL.  The 40/40/20 split suggested above is fine, but give FMIL some guests.  She is going to be family soon and should be allowed to celebrate your nuptials regardless of her financial contribution to the actual wedding.