Remembering a loved one at the ceremony???

kawelter

I'm not sure if this question belongs here, but it seems like you ladies give good advice, so I thought I'd give it a try!

My fiance and I are getting married next weekend, and about 20 days ago my FSIL's boyfriend died suddenly.  It's been a really stressful past couple of weeks, and now lots of people are asking if we're going to say something about him during the ceremony.  They were going to get engaged over this past weekend, and FI and I both already referred to him as out brother-in-law, he was so close to us.  We don't know if/how we should somehow acknowledge him in the ceremony and we don't want to turn a happy ocassion into a somber one.  Needless to say, we're kind of at a loss for how to handle the situation because we don't want to seem insensitive either... 

Any suggestions or input are much-appreciated!    

Snippylynn

I don't know??? Can you??? Should you???

More importantly, why do you need three question marks?

hlq2011

Normally, I'd say put something in the program, but I'm assuming your programs are probably finalized already.

IMO, it's too soon and too fresh to bring something up like this in a ceremony that's supposed to be celebrating a joyous occasion.

And honestly, I'm not a big fan of SAYING something during the wedding, no matter how recent or far in the past.  We are mentioning my father by name in our program, and others in passing, but not saying anything aloud.

midgetthemighty

First of all, I am sorry for your family's loss. If you and your FI feel like you should remember him and your FSIL is comfortable with this, then I would find a way to remember him. Are you already having a memory tree for Grandparents or other loved ones? He could be added to this, you can list him as an honorary groomsman, mention how you wish he could be there on the back of the program, make a short announcement about it at the reception, or whatever your family is comfortable with.

Good luck with this situation. I can only imagine how hard this must be.

tenofcups4me

My inclination is to not say anything because I think it's too fresh, but add something in the program. I'd also talk with your FSIL and make sure she's ok with anything you choose to do. So sorry for your loss.

 

kawelter

Thanks for the ideas-- I'll talk to FSIL and see what she's comfortable with. Unfortunately we're not having programs, otherwise we would probably do something there.

leahwaz73

I'm planning on having a boquet of white roses on the table with the seating cards with just a little framed "In memory of" note for my dad. Not sure if that would work for your situation. So sorry for your loss.

scottswife1106

I don't know if I would do anything because, as PP have said, it is so fresh. Hopefully after you talk to FSIL, you will have a clear idea as to what to do.

beckys67

I would keep it subtle. If he was going to be part of the wedding party maybe something small on the head table in remembrance of him. I would definetly check with FSIL before doing anything. Sorry for your loss.

NOLAbridealmost

I don't know??? Can you??? Should you???

More importantly, why do you need three question marks?

Wow, what a bitchy thing to say to a poster who has recently experienced a terrible loss. 

OP,  I suggest not doing anything overt.  A small statement in the program would be alright if the programs are not finalized, but definitely don't say something.  Everyone knows that you both cared about FSIL's boyfriend and miss him without having to say anything.  And it would probably be way too hard for FSIL to hear this soon. 

I am so sorry for your loss.

chrissyinatl

I love the idea above about the framed picture of him. 

I lost my Dad a few years ago and I'm planning to put something in the program about it...

shanaea87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_remembering-loved-one-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6462c340-002a-4579-93d2-dac058a6b6fdPost:6aa17a1f-33fb-45d5-ac2c-33a737a9cf70">Re: Remembering a loved one at the ceremony???</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know??? Can you??? Should you??? More importantly, why do you need three question marks?
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

Really? I don't understand the point behind this. She wasn't being rude or anything in her post. She simply asked a question. Why is it such a big dig that she put three question marks in her subject. To me your response was very rude and disrespectful.

OP- IMO if you don't have programs I would not bring it up otherwise. It is really soon after the fact for her and it might help her to have a happy day with family and friends without the reminder. Sorry for your loss.

mstar284

I wouldn't mention it verbally at the ceremony. It's not selfish, just not really the time or place IMO. Mention him in the program. I am placing a rose on my grandma's empty seat because I always thought she'd be alive to see me get married. We're going to have a place in the program honoring the memory of the deceased.

EDIT: Didn't see you weren't having programs. Maybe just have the officiant say something vague about remembering loved ones without dragging it out or naming people.

Carlydl

A framed picture of him would be a lovely way of honoring him and still having him present, in a way, at your celebration.  My condolences to you and your family!

HockeyFan4

perhaps you could play a song he loved?  definitely check with FSIL first....she needs to know before hand so she isn't "caught" off guard by whatever you do.

dogsandfrogs

A kind of tradition in my family is to have a rose or a candle that is placed on a table by the altar in memory of those who can't be with you to celebrate the day, with a mention in the program of what it symbolizes.  It's usually kept simple, and the names of those you are referring to are not listed outright.

The last person in my family who got married also didn't have programs, so they did a small kind of twist on it and had a candle lit on a small table near the entrance where everyone came in, with a note next to it explaining its meaning.  Before the ceremony started, the groom took the candle from the entrance to the table up front.  That way it was present where it needed to be, and everyone knew what it was for even without the programs.

Good luck finding a solution that works for you!

NOLAbridealmost

Completely agree that Snippy was rude and disrespectful.

mica178

I'm sorry about your FSIL's loss.  

I think mentioning him in your program or having a small picture of him somewhere during the reception is appropriate.  I'm not a fan of doing much more than that at a wedding -- it becomes a bit morbid at a celebration of your marriage and new life together otherwise.

Snippy, that wasn't necessary.  A little sympathy (or silence) -- despite the overly enthusiastic punctuation -- would be nice, please.