Non-religious ceremony

sfs13

Neither my fiancé nor I are religious. For our ceremony we want just a sharing of vows in front of our closest family and friends to speak of our love for one another. Our parents want us to do a prayer and we are not comfortable with that since it doesn't mean anything to us. My mother is helping to pay for the wedding. Any advice???

adamar15

If it bothers you that much just tell your mother that.  In my opinion the vows are one area that other people don't get a say in, whether they're paying or not. 

baystateapple

Sit her down and politely tell her that religion is not a part of your lives and that you really would like her to respect your decision to exclude it from your ceremony.

If she decides to hold the money over your head, politely decline it and pay for your wedding yourselves.

tpender13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_non-religious-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:646fd6b3-1dda-42a1-b70d-db98826f9a18Post:ac190c19-0036-4a93-bb14-ed526b384637">Re: Non-religious ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Sit her down and politely tell her that religion is not a part of your lives and that you really would like her to respect your decision to exclude it from your ceremony. If she decides to hold the money over your head, politely decline it and pay for your wedding yourselves.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

This. Money often = strings, so if she's paying, I think she gets some say. Not in your vows, but I wouldn't consider a prayer during the ceremony compromising on your vows. FWIW, I wouldn't have felt comfortable saying a prayer at our non-religious ceremony. We're not religious, but as a nod to some of our parents/grandparents who are, we chose a couple of bible verses to have read during the ceremony. We searched for awhile to find ones that mentioned love, but non necessarily Jesus/God/obey... I thought that was a nice compromise.

adamar15

We did kind of the same thing, TP.  H's brother read a poem that mentioned God.  He and his family are Lutheran, and I am not a Christian, so I figured that was a good enough way of incorporating it without turning our ceremony into a church service.

baystateapple

FTR, I don't think that money should always = strings.  I think that the couple should always have the final say in doing what is comfortable for THEM at their wedding.  However, since OP put the little tidbit about Mom's money at the end of her post, I'd guess that Mom is trying to hold the money over her head in order to have religion enter the ceremony.

adamar15

Here's the poem we used, in case you are interested (the formatting will probably be weird):
Tree of Love 

From the seed of this day,

Let their love grow

As the tree grows,

 

Reaching down, to build

Strong roots,

 

Reaching out, to provide

Comfort and sustenance,

 

Reaching up, to seek

The grace of God.

 

Let their love grow

As the tree grows,

Deeper, wider, stronger

With each passing year.

tpender13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_non-religious-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:646fd6b3-1dda-42a1-b70d-db98826f9a18Post:142af1b9-2515-42fb-90a1-00f0b7b1fec7">Re: Non-religious ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Parents shouldn't use money to coerce their children into feigning religious beliefs that they do not hold.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Agreed. Thought it sounds like that's what's happening for OP.

Habs2Hart

What about a blessing instead of a prayer?  I like A's poem she put up there. 

willywally5

I think that blessing of the hands thing is cool ... Don't know why it's called a blessing though cuz it's not religious and never mentions God or anything. But since it's called that, maybe it will appease momma?

Blessing of the Hands

These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and full of love for you, that are holding yours on your wedding day, as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow, and forever.

These are the hands that will work alongside yours, as together you build your future.

These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch, will comfort you like no other.

These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief fills your mind.

These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow, and tears of joy.

These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children.

These are the hands that will help you to hold your family as one.

These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.

And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged, will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.

Habs2Hart

A blessing doesn't have to be religious.  Speaking kind words and encouragement over a couple is a blessing. 

Gabrielle76

If your family really wants something religious, have you considered offering to have a bible reading? There are lots of passages that are more about love than anything religious in particular.  That's what FI and I are doing, and so far it's maintained family harmony...

QueerFemme

My partner's family is very catholic.... we, are not religious at all.  I am even less religious than my partner.  And, there is no way I'm having a bible reading or anything mentioning god or christianity in the wedding.  That is just not something I'm willing to bend on.

I think it's just a matter of picking your battles. We are including some people on the guest list that we otherwise might not to sooth egos.  But, the language being used in the ceremony was not up for negotation. 

RussoWill

After the rehearsal, MIL asked H if we could have our friend (marrying us) say a prayer at the end of the ceremony (we are both not religious). He was kind of uncomfortable and os were we, but it was to apease the family. The important part ofr me had already happened, so I didn't really care. Better to do it and make the inlaws happy...

sfs13

Thank you everyone for all the helpful advice! I am going to talk it over with him and see what works best for us!