F/U money

mwhitson14

So I talked to FI about how he wanted to handle our money after the wedding. At first, he didn't seem to have strong opinions on it, so I brought up just pooling our money and we'd each get some sort of allowance, maybe a percentage of our check, each time the other got paid. So, he'd get a percentage from his check and I'd get a percentage from mine, the rest would go towards joint checking and saving.

He really didn't like that idea, and just wants to keep all our money seperate and when major bills come up (the rent, water, electric, cable/internet/phone) we'd just split it. He will pay our health insurance and I will pay our car insurance (it equals out to the same).

But this just feels like such a roommate sorta thing, not a married couple sorta thing. I don't want to make a fight about it and this may be one thing I am just going to have to let go. I have way more bills than he does, so I sorta see his point (credit card and student loans).

What do you think? Just let it go?

mwhitson14

Yeah Joy, the word allowance really got his back up, but that's not what I intended to do.

danieliza1127

Sorry to keep adding things - we originally started out with totally separate accounts and he would write me a check every two weeks or once a month for bills that I would then deposit.  After doing that for several months and realizing what a pain it was, that's when we put each other's names on our accounts so I could just transfer the money around myself online.  Point being, you can always try something for a while and then change later if it's a hassle.

smokeybailey

I'm with Squirrly.  Determine your monthly budget and then determine (based on how much each of you make) how much each should contribute to a central account. 

Personally, I do think that my debts (like student loans) are mine AND I am not going to pay on his car which is $650/month while mine is $255.  As such, we pay for personal expenses out of our own accounts.

JessAndTrav

I agree with Squirrly. DH and I have are still using our seperate accounts, but the plan is to do a joint accout and have seperate accounts.

tlv204

Again I know not everyone is like this, but I just don't really understand the mindset of his and hers money. Even before we got married and we still had separate accounts we shared responsibilities. He helped me pay off some credit card debt and when he didn't work for a while I helped pay off his loan debt.  We do so much spending together, even shopping and such, that it would be silly to try make sure we each had "equal" amounts of money to spend on random stuff. 

Question about allowances.  Say one person likes to shop and one person likes to save, and the saver person saves all of his or her allowance for years and now has a giant savings account.  Does he or she not share that money with the spouse? Is it just like a giant nest egg that only benefits one person? How does that even work? I don't get it.

polichik

I think it would bother me if he saw it as "his" money and "my" money. He has $18k of student loans, and I'll be graduating with $48k. We're pooling them together and paying them together.

Right now, we have a joint account for necesasry spending and "together" spending (groceries, rent, dinners out together, etc.). Everything left from each of our incomes is ours to spend or save on pesonal stuff.  Once we're married, I think we'll probably just put it all together and consult each other before large purchases. We're both responsible with money and have no debt other than student, so I'm confident it'll work out well for the most part.

I get $60 haircuts, but he likes to buy camping stuff from REI. I buy more clothes than he does, but he buys more drinks at bars than I do. We're both comfortable with how the other handles money.

In addition, he'll make more than I do for a few years, but as long as my career goes well, I'll be the main breadwinner in a few years. He's supporting me more now, and we'll probaly switch in the future.

Wow, that was a novel. Sorry!

mwhitson14

Sorry for the delay, work got busy.

Well, I'm the one who brought up my debt. I don't see it as his, and neither does he, so like you smokey, I do think it's my responsibilty to pay to them off. I incurred them before we were together, and I don't think it's fair to ask him to start contributing to pay them off.

Dani, I like your suggestion of just letting this play out for a few months then reevaluating if necessary. While this doesn't feel lilke the ideal situation, there's nothing really wrong with it, just doesn't feel very "married." And no, we don't live together. So he paid first months rent plus the deposit (almost $700) while I've been paying to clean, groceries, and get the utilities turned on. He's been ok with that, even though he has paid far more.

mwhitson14

squirrly, I'm not sure I see the difference in what we had already talked about doing. The joint savings/checking would go to pay bills and save money, while the "allowance" would just go in each seperate account, sorry if I'm misunderstanding/

And I don't get the his and hers money thing, which is why this is irritating me. But I can't get him to see it that way. He still says we'll be paying our bills, where does it matter where the money is stored? He's willingly paid for things when I brought them up, so maybe I am just overreacting.

HDutko

Once we were living together we pooled our accounts. We each can buy whatever we need out of them, but if it's a large expense we talk about it first. All of our bills come out of the joint acount reagrdless of whos bill it is.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Oh, I also sort of agree about paying my own bills. I pay my car and credit card myself because that's my problem. Not that FI wouldn't help me if I needed it (and he might help with my credit card eventually), but I figured I got myself into that pickle myself and made those decisions before I met him.

When FI and I first moved in together and we talked about how bills would go he was definitely not ready for a joint account. And now we're going to do a  joint savings. We've lived together for two years and can see how the other spends money, so I think he's much more confortable with it now.

mwhitson14

Dutko, how do you know who's spent what? Do you just keep track of it through online banking? Or how does that work?

crfische

I would never do his and hers money. It's ours. All of it. Debt included.

I, however, DO think you should find some peace and understanding with it before marriage. Finances are a HUGE part of marriage...and also divorce.

kd.joseph

We've both been married before, and did the whole joint account thing for years. Now that he has had a handle on his account for so many years (and paid off the debt she incurred he was unaware of), he refuses to relinquish the checkbook.

And I have a lot of debt I incurred during my divorce that is NOT his responsibilty. It was debt  that has nothing to do with him. I work, but I moved into his home, after I sold mine. And he pays the bills. So all I have to do is pay off my debt. And he makes five times my salary, so he helps me out from time to time. But, I would never expect him to pay my bills.

That being said we do have a joint account,but there is little money in there. When I'm able we will do a percentage of income, so I can contribute to the household. But his money is his, he works hard for it and I dont tell him how to spend it.

mwhitson14

So mery, it seemed to take him some time to get used to the idea? I mean as long as everything gets paid I suppose it doesn't already matter.

Maybe just one step at a time? Moving in together is already kinda freaking him out a bit (not in a can't get married kinda way, but in a wow this is really happening kinda way) so I can just let it drop for now.

crfische

I really, really, really wouldn't drop it. Unless by drop it, you mean you'll have something figured out before you get married.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Yeah, it just took time. But then, when we moved in together we had been dating for 7 months and we weren't engaged. So I'm not sure if its time or if its more like, "Ok, this is forever now, so..." but he seems fine with joint savings. He'd probably be fine with joint checking, but the system we have works for us for now. When we buy a house  maybe it will change.

smokeybailey

Whit-

You asked about how it's different to pay into a central account as opposed to paying back as an allowance.  It's all in perception.  I have direct deposit into my checking account as does my BF.  Then on the 1st of the month I have an auto transfer to the joint checking.  On the 18th, my BF has an auto transfer.  Also on the 18th, there is an auto transfer to a savings account.  All bills are on auto transfer or bill pay.  I track everything in Quicken so I know when we have a surplus or a shortage of cash.  All groceries, eating out, etc. is paid for on a point bearing credit card that is paid each month out of the central account.

I think it feel different because it's not a pot out of which comes an "allowance."  Keep in mind that we pay our own expenses ourselves:  car insurance, car payment, credit card purchases, student loans, homeowners (we both have a policy as it brings our car insurance down).  Everything not listed there comes out of the house account from term life insurance to groceries to directTV to the mortgage.

It makes it easy for me because I know that every month I have a $7000 budget.  If my BF has a bigger or smaller commission check, it doesn't matter.  It's always $7K.  Also, this makes it far easier to buy a trip for two to Paris on the sly....

danieliza1127

I see Fische's point. 

I just think that you need to give him a little bit of time to absorb all of this.  You are moving in together for the first time, you are getting married, it's a LOT, a really big life change.  It sounds like he needs to absorb that before he thinks about the nitty gritty details.  Also, if you know the word "allowance" got his back up, don't call it that again.  But like Fische said, if his views on money are already upsetting  you, this is something you should try to resolve before you get married.  At least come to some agreement or compromise that you can both live with in the beginning, with the understanding that if it doesn't work out you can change and try something else.

mwhitson14

Well fische, there is already understanding. I do see his side with it, and just happen to feel differently. I don't have peace with it yet, but I do feel like this isn't a major thing, as long as everything gets paid

mwhitson14

It's not so much as upsetting and it's irritating me that he can't just see it my way

Oh ok smokey. I guess I'm not sure how that will work because we never know what either of our checks are going to be. We both work really random hours, so checks can vary from just having enough to having plenty left over.

Night_Sprite

We're combining accounts into FI's account.  I will be our money manager (generally) but he has a lot of automatic bill pay set up through his checking account.

We'll have our investments (that we don't really touch), our savings account, and one checking account for both of us.

mandysmear

We started a joint account when we were still engaged.  I took on H's debts gladly.. well not gladly.  But, I fully expected them to become mine and started helping him pay them down... part of the debt was even my ering.  Oh noes!!1!11!1!! 

I wouldn't really push it, but I don't really get the other way.  It works for some couples though.  My inlaws have been married for 30 years and they have joint accounts, always have.  It works for them. 

Sorry, I suck at giving advice.

smokeybailey

But, Whit, that's my point.  You have a monthly budget and that's what goes in.  If you have extra, then great, if not, then boo how.  Either way, it's the same every month.

It doesn't matter if you have a big month, if the monthly budget is $5K and you guys determined that you put in $1500 each month (this is just and example), then that's what you put in.  Not more, not less.  There is no variance. 

mwhitson14

Oooh I think I get it smokey. I guess that's just going to have to wait though until we have an idea of what our household bills are going to be, since we don't live together yet. Maybe once we get our budget set up, which will happen fairly soon since bills will start rolling in February, we will have a better idea of how to handle it.

sarabellam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-money?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:64f24506-fbe6-416e-a5c8-61a4fc3b3216Post:39f89f5a-6327-4510-af3f-0d7e13c927ba">F/U money</a>:
[QUOTE]But this just feels like such a roommate sorta thing, not a married couple sorta thing. I don't want to make a fight about it and this may be one thing I am just going to have to let go. I have way more bills than he does, so I sorta see his point (credit card and student loans). What do you think? Just let it go?
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]
My husband and I were married for over a year before we "pooled" our finances. This is something that the 2 of you need to work out, because money arguments are a MAJOR source of marital discourse and can put a huge strain on a relationship.

mwhitson14

I totally see your point sara, and I've gotten some good advice. We will sit down and discuss this again, and I will bring up a few new ideas about how to handle things. I really appreciate all the advice. I know money is a huge issue, and it's not like we're fighting about it, just haven't been able to come to an agreement about it yet.

mandysmear

Oh, I meant my inlaws have seperate accounts and it works for them.

Every couple is different.  I say give it a go the way he wants to do it and then if things aren't getting paid on time, or if it feels like a clusterfuck then bring up the conversation again.  If it's not broken don't fix it... or whatver the saying is...

mwhitson14

Mandy I knew what you meant But thanks, it's not a source of fighting at this point, and we can always change it if it becomes a source of arguments.

tigger9922

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fu-money?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:64f24506-fbe6-416e-a5c8-61a4fc3b3216Post:6e2fbc4d-6ae1-411c-8936-ff62e7713356">Re: F/U money</a>:
[QUOTE]I would never do his and hers money. It's ours. All of it. Debt included. I, however, DO think you should find some peace and understanding with it before marriage. Finances are a HUGE part of marriage...and also divorce.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

This is very wise advice....and very true.  You should at least have the same goals as far as money and your future and then decide together how to get there.  If the money is separate, its hard to keep track of and work towards a common goal, like a house, or retirement, ect. 

katiewhompus

We pooled our accounts after the wedding because it was the final "ok we're not going anywhere" moment for the both of us. If we want to buy something frivilous over $50 we talk to each other. We also talk and look over our finances together about once a week so we're on the same page for spending.
I don't understand the whole "his debt/my debt" mentality after marriage. I mean, you are living under one roof and your money is going towards a common cause. When you get married those debts are part of the deal. If you don't want to deal with the other person's debt then should you be paying it off before marriage? I mean, right now if Dh and I only got to spend our own money and split the bills in half I wouldn't be able to afford my half of the bills.  At some point its about compromise and what is best for the couple, not two individuals who live together.

I would say let it go for now, then maybe bring it up after you guys get married and see if he's willing to compromise with a joint checking for bills and separate for extra money or something.