Leaving someone out of a household...?

stephsky419

So, we're writing up a guest list, and we're really close to my FI's cousins "J" and "C", but we really dislike his cousin "D". they live in the same household, and we'd like to invite C and J, but not D. Are we able to do this? There is a LOT of turbulence between D and us and she knows we don't care for her.

aragx6

I'd say yes, it's technically OK (I'm assuming these cousins are all over 18, yes?) but it's likely to cause strife and drama. Sometimes it isn't worth that.

dumdumfroggie

How old are these letters?  Are they adults?  In that case I think you'd be ok only inviting the ones you want, but be prepared for backlash.  If they are minors, then no, you should probably invite them all.

whitsy

I didn't vote, because my gut says no. But my gut says no because in my family, this would cause tons of drama. How would it go over with these three cousins when 2/3 were invited? Would there be upset feelings?

Maggie0829

What the other posters said.  If they are all adults they will all get separate invites so you can certainly pick and choose, but just be prepared for a mighty pissed off "D".

wadingmoose

Honestly?  It sucks?  But to me, it seems like it'd be rude.

And it's probably something that, given the issues between you already, this person could use to make you look bad in front of other family members, ya know?

Sometimes you get to just suck it up and act like an adult.

And hope she doesn't come.

hoffse

I would probably still invite her because it will come off as a SERIOUS "f you" type of slight.  You're unlikely to be spending much time with her anyway because you're going to stay so busy.  I think you can get away with not inviting ANY of them, but if you invite 2 you should really invite 3.

Katelyn89

I guess it depends on the reason you aren't close to "D" in my opinion. If you just don't get along I would invite them. One of my cousins is not my favorite person in the world but I invited him because I didn't want to deal with the backlash and the drama. Chances are you won't even notice the cousin on your wedding day besides saying thank you.

baystateapple

I actually did this in my family, but I wouldn't recommend it.  It was a weird circumstance.  My cousin P is the youngest of four, he is a year younger than me, and his older siblings are all a good 10 years older than we were.  I didn't grow up with them, we didn't hang out or anything.  They're all in their late 30s - early 40s, and most of them don't even know I'm married.  I sent an invitation to P only.  His mother didn't report any bad feelings about it.

But that situation sounds different from yours.  These are three people, close in age, that you see regularly.  I don't know.  I don't think I'd risk the drama.

HappinessByTheKilowatt

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_leaving-someone-out-of-a-household?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67640184-d51c-45c0-affa-0ef2e967d0ddPost:686cb512-72f8-4de1-b594-aebebac078c0">Re: Leaving someone out of a household...?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess it depends on the reason you aren't close to "D" in my opinion. If you just don't get along I would invite them. One of my cousins is not my favorite person in the world but I invited him because I didn't want to deal with the backlash and the drama. Chances are you won't even notice the cousin on your wedding day besides saying thank you.
Posted by Katelyn89[/QUOTE]

I agree with this, 100%. I wasn't planning on inviting an aunt who said some insulting things about my niece and constantly sticks her foot in her mouth to my wedding. The only way my grandmother could attend was if this aunt was there to care for her though. The only time I even noticed her presence was when she wished us well. You'll be so busy. Unless you think they are going to do something/cause a scene/have a long history of bad things with them, I would say it's probably worth it just to let them attend to keep the peace. You don't HAVE to... but choose your battles, you know?

tpender13

To me, it wouldn't be worth the drama. This was part of the reason that we didn't invite aunts/uncles/cousins. We felt that if we invited one, we'd have to invite all of them, and our guest list would have gotten way bigger than we wanted.

stephsky419

They are all adults, J and D have children. D is a drama queen, very promisquous, abuses alcohol and other drugs. Obviously J and C still care about her but we don't want her around.

GinaV0822

If you did invite her do you think she'd actually come?  You could invite her and hope she declines and you'd miss the drama.  But of course she could always accept the invite.  I guess I'm not much help am I???  

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_leaving-someone-out-of-a-household?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67640184-d51c-45c0-affa-0ef2e967d0ddPost:68e2eab3-6fc8-4b30-b283-b7231e7c75ab">Re: Leaving someone out of a household...?</a>:
[QUOTE]They are all adults, J and D have children. D is a drama queen, very promisquous, abuses alcohol and other drugs. Obviously J and C still care about her but we don't want her around.
Posted by stephsky419[/QUOTE]

Do J and D have children together?  I'm confused?  What does that have to do with anything, really?

What do you think is going to happen if you invite her to the wedding?  Do you think she's going to get drunk, jump on a table and start stripping while yelling insults about you?  Or that she's going to grab some guy and start having sex on a table?  What?  Really?

Or are you just not inviting her to punish her for living a lifestyle you don't agree with?

Think about your motivations on this.

stephsky419

What if they don't live together? They do but they are planning to move to separate places.

Summer2011Bride

I'm leaning towards no. In my family, it would cause a lot of backlash that wouldn't be worth it IMO. That or they would just assume "D" was invited anyhow and would RSVP for him/her and then we'd have to call and explain and lead to futher backlash.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_leaving-someone-out-of-a-household?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67640184-d51c-45c0-affa-0ef2e967d0ddPost:f7336756-c2c4-4ed4-b620-1c63b1e90ec0">Re: Leaving someone out of a household...?</a>:
[QUOTE]What if they don't live together? They do but they are planning to move to separate places.
Posted by stephsky419[/QUOTE]

What if we still say it's rude?  Will you come up with a new circumstance?

Did you think about the reasons you don't want to invite her?  Because right now, for me, it kinda just sounds like you're being judgemental.

Katelyn89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_leaving-someone-out-of-a-household?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67640184-d51c-45c0-affa-0ef2e967d0ddPost:ba30786f-3238-43c3-8f1d-d19984b817fd">Re: Leaving someone out of a household...?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Leaving someone out of a household...? : Do J and D have children together?  I'm confused?  What does that have to do with anything, really? What do you think is going to happen if you invite her to the wedding?  Do you think she's going to get drunk, jump on a table and start stripping while yelling insults about you?  Or that she's going to grab some guy and start having sex on a table?  What?  Really? Or are you just not inviting her to punish her for living a lifestyle you don't agree with? Think about your motivations on this.
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]



This. Some members of my family have lifestyles I don't agree with, but that would not stop me from inviting them.

Katelyn89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_leaving-someone-out-of-a-household?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67640184-d51c-45c0-affa-0ef2e967d0ddPost:f7336756-c2c4-4ed4-b620-1c63b1e90ec0">Re: Leaving someone out of a household...?</a>:
[QUOTE]What if they don't live together? They do but they are planning to move to separate places.
Posted by stephsky419[/QUOTE]



I would still invite her, she's going to know she was intentionally left out when she finds out the rest of the family was invited.

whitsy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_leaving-someone-out-of-a-household?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67640184-d51c-45c0-affa-0ef2e967d0ddPost:f7336756-c2c4-4ed4-b620-1c63b1e90ec0">Re: Leaving someone out of a household...?</a>:
[QUOTE]What if they don't live together? They do but they are planning to move to separate places.
Posted by stephsky419[/QUOTE]

<div>I think you're trying really hard to convince us to say don't invite the 3rd cousin.</div>

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_leaving-someone-out-of-a-household?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:67640184-d51c-45c0-affa-0ef2e967d0ddPost:a8b473ee-b1bb-43ed-9fe0-6d21e13c56b7">Re: Leaving someone out of a household...?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm leaning towards no. In my family, it would cause a lot of backlash that wouldn't be worth it IMO. That or they would just assume "D" was invited anyhow and would RSVP for him/her and then we'd have to call and explain and lead to futher backlash.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

<div>This. IMO, it's not worth the drama that would inevitably follow.</div>

stephsky419

Yeah, guess I just have to keep my fingers crossed that she'll RSVP no. She knows we don't like her anyway, hopefully she'll know it's just a courtesy keep-the-peace invite. Thanks for the opinions guys

chattychiqa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_leaving-someone-out-of-a-household?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67640184-d51c-45c0-affa-0ef2e967d0ddPost:5e161579-38a7-4348-adb8-c4ae4aa18eba">Re: Leaving someone out of a household...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, guess I just have to keep my fingers crossed that she'll RSVP no. She knows we don't like her anyway, hopefully she'll know it's just a courtesy keep-the-peace invite. Thanks for the opinions guys =)
Posted by stephsky419[/QUOTE]

Believe me, if the feeling is mutual, she may feel akward coming.  I posted about this above, and how I was relieved that an aunt I invited solely out of respect for and obligation to my dad RSVP'd no.  I'm glad she did.  Wishing you decline vibes :)

terat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_leaving-someone-out-of-a-household?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:67640184-d51c-45c0-affa-0ef2e967d0ddPost:c9745f12-7a51-4680-90c6-72150b3fdc6c">Leaving someone out of a household...?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, we're writing up a guest list, and we're really close to my FI's cousins "J" and "C", but we really dislike his cousin "D". they live in the same household, and we'd like to invite C and J, but not D. Are we able to do this? There is a LOT of turbulence between D and us and she knows we don't care for her.
Posted by stephsky419[/QUOTE]

I have a similar issue.  My grandparents are letting my step-gpa's 60 year old daughter & her 25 year old son live RENT FREE with them, not to mention they owe them about half a million, which will never be repaid.  My grandparents used to be rich, but are now struggling cause most of their grandkids take advantage!  This lady is also my ex-aunt due to my gma marrying this man & she cheated on my uncle so it's another reason i dislike her.  The only time we speak is when she is svolding me (I'm 35) for something.
Anyway, I am of course inviting my grandparents but didn't want to invite the other two.  Since my grandparents can no longer drive, my mom said I should invite my cousin (25yo) to drive them.  He's not so bad but he does owe them money & lives for free, so I agreed.  To save face I coule invite my ex-aunt but I REALLY don't want to give him yet another, free meal OR have her near me on OUR day you know?  I also dislike 2 of her other kids (not in the household, but they live rent free with their families! at my uncles house) that i'm not planning on inviting.  My other cousin (My uncle & her had 4 kids) and I are good but she also lives free with my uncle, along w/ her hus and stepkid. *sigh.... anyway, so i'll be literally inviiting only half of a family but the other cousins aren't too nice to me either, so again, why would I want to PAY to have them near me when I TOLERATE them during holidays for my grandma's sake?
Thoughts?