He won't stop

LizzyRB

Between 4 and 5 years ago I got a call from a lady telling me she has also been seeing the guy I was with for 3 years. I ended it with him immediately and moved on. That guy has not. I've received sporadic texts and emails from him for the last 4 years. I don't reply. The night FI and I got engaged he sent me a text of congratulations. FI is a writer, lots on online publications, last year the ex emailed me a story of FI's saying "thought you might enjoy this." He is constantly lurking around mine and FI's LinkedIn profiles (you can see who has viewed your profile). Last night he left a comment on FI's blog post from months ago that mentions our engagement.

I have no clue how he knows so much about FI and me. I assume this is all online digging. I am even more curious as to why he cares? So anyway that leads me to my first question... We have a wedding website through TK, is that searchable or do you need to know the exact web address for access?

Second question... I am starting to worry that he may show up on our wedding day. Security seems like overkill but I wish I had some way to feel safe. Has anyone dealt with something like this?

TheSlowskys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-wont-stop?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6782fb1e-c706-4c0a-8f63-7fffa174e575Post:61dd5baf-d972-4f30-8d1e-189fa5a1f14a">He won't stop</a>:
[QUOTE]Between 4 and 5 years ago I got a call from a lady telling me she has also been seeing the guy I was with for 3 years. I ended it with him immediately and moved on. That guy has not. I've received sporadic texts and emails from him for the last 4 years. I don't reply. The night FI and I got engaged he sent me a text of congratulations. FI is a writer, lots on online publications, last year the ex emailed me a story of FI's saying "thought you might enjoy this." He is constantly lurking around mine and FI's LinkedIn profiles (you can see who has viewed your profile). Last night he left a comment on FI's blog post from months ago that mentions our engagement. I have no clue how he knows so much about FI and me. I assume this is all online digging. I am even more curious as to why he cares? So anyway that leads me to my first question... We have a wedding website through TK, is that searchable or do you need to know the exact web address for access? Second question... I am starting to worry that he may show up on our wedding day. Security seems like overkill but I wish I had some way to feel safe. Has anyone dealt with something like this?
Posted by LizzyRB[/QUOTE]

I think there is an option to make your website not searchable I think. Make sure your last names aren't in it.  You can also set a password and give it to your guests.

Make sure your FB and all your other profiles are private, to the extent you can. I think your FI can block certain IP addresses from commenting as well.

That sounds really creepy though. I don't know if it would set him off to respond or if you should keep ignoring him.

Meegles4

I feel like this came up recently and someone said that you can opt to have your TK wedding website searchable or not.

If you're at all concerned, I might actually consider not doing a wedding website and finding another way to communicate the details with your guests. Or at least, don't put the pertinent "where" details on the website or any other online communication (FB, etc.)

Do you guys have a mutual friend who could be feeding information to him? How'd he even know you got engaged to congratulate you that night...did you guys post it on FB and he saw that or did he get it from another source?

bunni727

I've never dealt with this to that degree, but a little similar. What is your venue like? We got married in a public park, so there wouldn't be any way to keep someone from being around.

You should be okay as far as the site goes. I tried searching for the wedding website, and I can't find my own. He could easily find your registry, though, so I would avoid putting a date or location on there.

LizzyRB

We don't have any mutual friends. An hour or so after FI and I posted on FB we got engaged, I got the CONGRATS text. Both our FB profiles are private. He has found a way around FB privacy walls or has some other source.

He really scares me. I think thats part of the reason he does it.

Our venue is a museum after hours that will be closed off to the public. So it should be just our wedding guests and the people working the event.

coraloc

If you're having a planner assist you on the day of your wedding to handle any issues that may arise, you could give him/her a list of people that aren't to be allowed into the event.  Your list would naturally only have one person but at least someone would be aware of a possible situation.

whitsy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-wont-stop?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6782fb1e-c706-4c0a-8f63-7fffa174e575Post:b01b3596-0fea-4335-8377-de91ab021f17">Re: He won't stop</a>:
[QUOTE]We don't have any mutual friends. An hour or so after FI and I posted on FB we got engaged, I got the CONGRATS text. Both our FB profiles are private. He has found a way around FB privacy walls or has some other source. <strong>He really scares me.</strong> I think thats part of the reason he does it. Our venue is a museum after hours that will be closed off to the public. So it should be just our wedding guests and the people working the event.
Posted by LizzyRB[/QUOTE]

I mean, is a restraining order overkill?

ems27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-wont-stop?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6782fb1e-c706-4c0a-8f63-7fffa174e575Post:b01b3596-0fea-4335-8377-de91ab021f17">Re: He won't stop</a>:
[QUOTE]We don't have any mutual friends. An hour or so after FI and I posted on FB we got engaged, I got the CONGRATS text. Both our FB profiles are private. He has found a way around FB privacy walls or has some other source. He really scares me. I think thats part of the reason he does it. Our venue is a museum after hours that will be closed off to the public. So it should be just our wedding guests and the people working the event.
Posted by LizzyRB[/QUOTE]

Have you considered looking in to a restraining order?

I'd also do a quick double-check through your Fbook friends and make sure that you don't have any "fake" accounts (ones people make for their pets or for facebook games). 

I'm using appcouple.com for my wedding website/app, and people can request access to the information but I have to approve their email address and they all get their own passwords.

LizzyRB

I looked into it, whitsy. He has to have made a threat for me to get one, and as of now, he has not.

LizzyRB

I looked into a restraining order. He has to have made a threat for me to get one, and as of now, he has not.

Can I ask guests bring their invitation to get into the wedding or something like that? Maybe a list of names to be checked off? Are all my wedding guests that don't know the reasoning going to think I am nuts?

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-wont-stop?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6782fb1e-c706-4c0a-8f63-7fffa174e575Post:5018b326-4c71-4e2b-9194-8af4c587c867">Re: He won't stop</a>:
[QUOTE]I looked into a restraining order. He has to have made a threat for me to get one, and as of now, he has not. Can I ask guests bring their invitation to get into the wedding or something like that? Maybe a list of names to be checked off? Are all my wedding guests that don't know the reasoning going to think I am nuts?
Posted by LizzyRB[/QUOTE]
You can certainly have a checklist at the door.  My cousin did that at her wedding (get a staff member at the reception hall to do it or hire someone, don't ask one of your guests to do it).

Honestly, in your shoes, I would send him an email, telling him you no longer want contact with him and to please leave you alone.  Print out that email and any replies he sends you.  Block his phone number (your wireless company should be able to help you with that), and document, document, document every attempt at communication he tries.  The police can warn him to stay away if you've made it clear that you no longer desire communication with him, and you can show proof of doing so.  That's harassment.

whitsy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-wont-stop?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6782fb1e-c706-4c0a-8f63-7fffa174e575Post:5018b326-4c71-4e2b-9194-8af4c587c867">Re: He won't stop</a>:
[QUOTE]I looked into a restraining order. He has to have made a threat for me to get one, and as of now, he has not. Can I ask guests bring their invitation to get into the wedding or something like that? Maybe a list of names to be checked off? Are all my wedding guests that don't know the reasoning going to think I am nuts?
Posted by LizzyRB[/QUOTE]

Checked off by who? Personally, I wouldn't do that. I can only imagine how many guests would forget to have their invitation, and then you or your FI would have to be pulled away to verify their identity. I think it would be a mess.  All I can think of is to have your parents/FI's parents, maybe your WP on the lookout for this guy. If he comes in, your FI could speak to him about leaving.

melb2013

You can threaten restraining order... people don't know laws... threats of things like restraining orders make them nervous and he might back off.

Meegles4

Duds gives good advice. So does Bay about the whole documentation thing.

whitsy

It's funny because when I answer questions like this, I don't even think about staff members who would be available to check off a list! I'm so used to weddings being held in church halls that I didn't even think about other locations/staff.

I swear my bubble isn't that small!

OP, that's a good idea too if you have a venue where a staff member could be available. But I will wonder what you would do if a guest forgot their invite.

KatWAG

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-wont-stop?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6782fb1e-c706-4c0a-8f63-7fffa174e575Post:5018b326-4c71-4e2b-9194-8af4c587c867">Re: He won't stop</a>:
[QUOTE]I looked into a restraining order. He has to have made a threat for me to get one, and as of now, he has not.<strong> Can I ask guests bring their invitation to get into the wedding or something like that?</strong> Maybe a list of names to be checked off? Are all my wedding guests that don't know the reasoning going to think I am nuts?
Posted by LizzyRB[/QUOTE]

Because of the circumstances of my wedding, we had out DOC check everyones IDs against out guest list before they were allowed into the venue.  (we sent several email reminding people that if they forgot their IDs they would not be let in) My reception was at a venue similar to your.

edit: spelling

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to Re:He won't stop:[QUOTE]Please keep your eyes open and your wits about you OP. nbsp;This guy is a pretty dedicated follower of all of your activites. nbsp;Not trying to scare you, but it can escalate. nbsp;Please start documenting. nbsp;Advise him that contact is not welcome, and document that. Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

Just as a quick clarification, you should contact him to tell him that contact is not welcome only once, then make sure to avoid any further communication with him. Stalkers thrive on attention from those they stalk, and if he realizes repeatedly contacting you results in you repeatedly responding to tell him to leave you alone, he may escalate. Also, like Cove and others have said, document every incident of contact.

lv2011

OP, be careful. PP's have given you good advice. But I know from personal experience that all those measures may not be eough. I don't want to scare you, but you need to be very vigilant with people like that. Contact everybody, every organization that would have any personal information and make sure that it's either removed or blocked. My ex kept tracking me down via university alumni list-- something I never would've thought of. I had changed my number over and over, moved several times,and he still managed to find me and call me. It wasn't until I closed all those doors, and had the police scare the crap out of him, that things finally ended. If you don't need an account, close it. If there's anything that requires a contact of some sort, create a separate email for those types of things. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. He will thrive on that continued link. Cut him off without notice. If he still manages to get to you after all that, then the police need to get involved. You do not have to tell him to stop contacting you for him to be considered harassing.

For the wedding: hire someone at the door to ID everyone on the guest list. Very few people would go anywhere without their driver's license anyway. No invite remembering necessary.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how nerve-wracking it can be.

Callmefia

I agree about threatening a restraining order if he contacts you again. He probably has no clue what he has or hasn't said specifically. Just let him know "I have documented all of the email, text, and phone contact you have made with me, and if you try to contact me ever again, I will notify the police and begin the process of getting a restraining order" Do not respond to any additional contact you get after this point, just save a copy.

If I were you, I would shut down the facebook account and start over or something so that he can't get into yours or FI's information. Change your phone number and/or email address if you have to. Try going offline for awhile and changing everything up (What about your passwords, maybe thats how he gets in, does he know them, guess them? Did he ever have access to the computer you use now?) Make sure your info is private as far as address and location (have you seen spokeo? I don't know if people still use that to de-list but I remember doing it a few times).

I did get a nasty threat when I broke up wtih an Ex via voicemail. I forwarded it to my private phone and told him if he contacted me again, I would be getting a restraining order and that I had enough proof to get one. He said he would shut my phone off before I had the proof, and I let him know I already saved a copy elsewhere of his nasty voicemail. He cancelled my phone (it was in his name) and never contacted me again. I blocked him from everything I possibly could.

You might even email FB support or something to see if you can have them check into how he can see your profile. They might be able to help you block it better?

nextrightthing

Have you tried to tell him to not contact you?  If not, I would agree with PPs who said to ask him to stop contacting you, print it, and start documenting every contact.  While you are correct that there has to be a threat to get a restraining order in most states, what he is doing may be harassment. 

If I were you, I would consider having a lawyer or a police officer contact him and ask him to leave you alone.  It will indicate to him that you take this seriously enough to go that route if you have to.  Maybe you have a friend or family member who is a lawyer or a police officer who might be willing to do that for you.  The police probably aren't going to be very helpful unless you know someone.

LizzyRB

I've told him more than once to stop contacting me. Finally I just stopped responding to anything thinking that would deter him, but 2 years later he is still trying to get my attention. Even with the knowledge I am engaged to someone else.

I liked the idea of threatening an order. He is some hot shot exec and I think that would scare him bc it could cause troubles with his job. OR it will anger him. I think I haven't done anything because I am afraid of the latter and the consequences.

FI and I talked about shutting down internet accounts. FI won't shut his down, he thinks that means ex "wins" and FI doesn't want to change his life because of some creepo. I on the other hand would rather just be hidden away, so I will probably take all my things off line. At least until after the wedding.

pkontk

My venue requires that I hire a police officer for liability reasons (they take care of hiring the officer, I just have to pay for it) so check with your venue if they do that as well.

Do you have access to a recent photo of him?  Could you reverse-stalk him and print out a photo or two to distribute to the venue staff so they know exactly who NOT to let in, rather than IDing your guests?

StephBeanWed61502

If you have already told him more than once to stop contacting you, I would not contact him again. All that would do is reinforce the idea that if he keeps bothering you, he will eventually get a response. Also I think threatening him with a restraining order at this point is not a great idea, since you can't back it up. I mean, think about it. You tell him to leave you alone or you'll get an order, he contacts you again anyway because that's how creepy stalkers roll, and then NOTHING happens to him, so he gets the message that your threats are empty, and continues to stalk you, now with the confidence that there is nothing you can do to stop him. That is not likely to increase your personal safety here. At this point, my vote is for you to maintain radio silence, and maybe consult a lawyer about what other options exist. Nonprofits that assist victims of domestic violence may also be able to give you advice on how to stay safe, since stalking behavior is common in abusers.

eirwyn

Is there any way to block his texts and email? Facebook has a block feature too, but you mentioned you don't know how he's gaining access since he isn't on your friends list. As another poster mentioned, check your friends list. Are there any strange accounts you "friended" for playing games and such? I know I have a few people on my list who added me so we could play Sims, and sometimes I wonder if it's actually an ex checking up on me.

Duds had excellent advice regarding the escort cards at the venue. Since the museum is closed to the public for your wedding, it would make sense to cite "venue policy" if there are any issues at the escort card table.

eirwyn

Is there any way to block his texts and email? Facebook has a block feature too, but you mentioned you don't know how he's gaining access since he isn't on your friends list. As another poster mentioned, check your friends list. Are there any strange accounts you "friended" for playing games and such? I know I have a few people on my list who added me so we could play Sims, and sometimes I wonder if it's actually an ex checking up on me.

Duds had excellent advice regarding the escort cards at the venue. Since the museum is closed to the public for your wedding, it would make sense to cite "venue policy" if there are any issues at the escort card table.

Callmefia

If you already told him to stop, definitely just ignore for now. I'm not sure what they would do, but I'd contact your Police Department to find out if they can help you. Sounds like a stalker to me....

Also, if he is a big exec or whatnot, I doubt he would risk upsetting his image by showing up at your wedding. Just in case, I might consider hiring one off duty cop (some venues require it anyway), and try to circulate a picture of him to the venue staff and cop and that if they think they see this guy, they should notify the cop asap for an ID check (to verify who he is) and removal from the venue. If he causes a scene, the security person or venue staff can notify the police and ask them to come interfere. At this point it probably becomes a domestic dispute and ta-da! I bet you can get a restraining order now.

I don't think its necessary to have an invitation or ID check to get in for the other guests.

Also, tell your FI that its BS that he cares more about who "WINS" over your safety. Close BOTH your current FB accounts and start new ones in a month or so. If FI doesn't do it this way, then you should NOT friend your FI on facebook again because ex will just find you again.

Try to keep your name/info different. Don't use the typical First Last name. I know a lot of FB people who use First Middle and never post their last. Might make it a bit harder for him to search for you.

mbrischoux

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-wont-stop?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6782fb1e-c706-4c0a-8f63-7fffa174e575Post:37dea3a5-ad8f-401e-ac82-30e81d5ebf0a">Re: He won't stop</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He won't stop : You can certainly have a checklist at the door.  My cousin did that at her wedding (get a staff member at the reception hall to do it or hire someone, don't ask one of your guests to do it). <strong>Honestly, in your shoes, I would send him an email, telling him you no longer want contact with him and to please leave you alone.  Print out that email and any replies he sends you</strong>.  Block his phone number (your wireless company should be able to help you with that), and <strong>document, document, document every attempt at communication he tries.</strong>  The police can warn him to stay away if you've made it clear that you no longer desire communication with him, and you can show proof of doing so.  That's harassment.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

I ABSOLUTELY agre with this.  Keep any and all emails/texts/phone records you have (or that your FI recieves, as it seems this guy's going after your FI as well) and keep EVERYTHING very well documented.  I felt very leary of someone a while back and still have the complete record of communication in my email account, as well as my replies AND eventual email asking for no further communication.  Even forwards (you know, those cute pictures of kittens that people send to EVERYONE in their email list) should be kept. 

Also, I would make sure that all phone numbers (including work, if possible), social networking sites, and the like are as private as humanly possible.

I give your fiance a LOT of credit....I know my husband would be chomping at the bit to find this guy and beat the living crap out of him.

LizzyRB

There has been a number of times FI started to reply/call/confront him. Every time I remind him that will just make it worse he takes a deep breath, grumbles, and leaves it alone. I am so glad he can do this.

TheFutureShulins

Hi Lizzy-

I am so sorry this is happening to you!  I have a similar though completely different situation.  My stalker is a 68 year old Korean woman LOL.  She calls my cell up to 20 times per day - starting at 6am.  I have never met her but she calls me "Lisa" and tells me I owe her money.  Somedays she'll just call and hang up and others she will swear up a storm.  It's pure insanity and it's been going on for months. The police couldn't do much - since she has a history of mental illness (5150) the DA will not pursue harassment charges.

Anyhow, long story short: I downloaded the iBlockerPro app on my phone.  You simply enter in her number and adjust the settings to "hang up" mode.  Everytime she calls it immediately hangs up on her so my phone doesn't ring. She can't even leave a voicemail.  You have the option to also block texts as well as Private and Unknown numbers.  The app has been a lifesaver for me since I did not want to change my number.

As for Facebook... on my account on the ticker I will often see my friends activity - including their comments of photos/statuses of people I am not friends with.  Perhaps you and your ex have a mutual friend and this is the loophole he is using to see what you are up to?  Just a thought.  If you can find his profile and haven't already - definitely use the Facebook block feature.

I agree with previous posters about getting offline until this situation is over. Best of luck to you!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-wont-stop?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6782fb1e-c706-4c0a-8f63-7fffa174e575Post:5d97efe9-7382-485a-8ab7-1cb07094af78">Re: He won't stop</a>:
[QUOTE]There has been a number of times FI started to reply/call/confront him. Every time I remind him that will just make it worse he takes a deep breath, grumbles, and leaves it alone. I am so glad he can do this.
Posted by LizzyRB[/QUOTE]

I'm late to this party but my sister recently had an ex in a stalking situation that escalated vary suddenly and rapidly to a dangerous situation.  She was denied a restraining order at first because there was no initial threat but the magistrates office had a "no trespass" order issued which covered any direct or indirect contact (he had started filing false complaints against her at work, as well as calling in false allegations to CPS) as well as physical trespassing onto her property.  That may be worth looking into.  At least this way, if he contacts you he is in violation of the order.  Ditto PP's about keeping detailed records of any contact or incidents.  Also, don't respond to messages from him or otherwise engage him in any way; more often than not, in situations like these, they are looking for any attention they can get from you and it doesn't matter if its negative. If you deny him that, hopefully, he will stop. Also, it can be a major PITA, but it might be worth it to change your cell number and if for any reason you think a mutual connection may be feeding him any info, do not give that person the new number.