Wedding Etiquette Forum

Would this be rude??

So I actually already had my wedding, but I have an etiquette type question.  We had almost 10 people who just didn't show up on the day of the wedding.  I was not pleased, to say the least. (did I mention 9 were from his family??)  4 of them we found out afterwards were sick, which I guess, what can you do.  Others had various excuses.  However, his great aunt and uncle just didn't show.  No phone call to anyone (even now, over a month afterwards).  They sent a card in the mail, with no explanation or anything.  So, when we go to write our thank-you's, is it appropriate to throw in a line like "so sorry you weren't able to make it to the wedding?" Or is that being a huge b*tch?  What do you think?  Thanks!

Re: Would this be rude??

  • If you're sorry they couldn't make it to the wedding, then say it.

    If you're saying it to be a snide biitch...well...  Wow.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • They sent a card with a present or cash?  If so, a thank you card is good along with 'sorry you missed it'

    But if they didn't send a gift, I personally wouldn't send a thank you card cause there is nothing to thank them for
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:68459d86-d5fc-4c48-8ff9-abf972a306c3Post:cb3dfe0d-341a-4192-9699-1cc5c4895eec">Re: Would this be rude??</a>:
    [QUOTE]They sent a card with a present or cash?  If so, a thank you card is good along with 'sorry you missed it' But if they didn't send a gift, I personally wouldn't send a thank you card cause there is nothing to thank them for
    Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]

    I agree with that; however, instead of saying "sorry  you missed the wedding" it should be something like "we really missed you at the wedding!".

    You don't send a TY card for a card.
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  • They probably had a good excuse - in any event starting your married life out by calling out relatives that couldn't (or didn't) come seems silly.
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  • Ditto PPs.

    As a side note, I would try to get over being angry at people for not showing up.  We had about 10-15 no shows at our wedding.  It's not a big deal.  They're the ones that missed out on the fun party! 
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  • I think you should err on the side of caution here.  You have no idea why they didn't attend, and they are family.  If you mean it, saying "We missed you at the wedding & hope to see you soon!" is acceptable, but if you're really not looking forward to seeing them I'd skip the statement.
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  • I understand how expensive it is to pay for people who couldn't attend.. but life happens and things come up.  Some people have personal issues they don't want to share with everyone (ie. daughter had a depressive episode and needed family around).  So it is okay that they didn't give you an excuse.. you shouldn't need one.

    It is okay to be a bit annoyed.. but remember.. these people were invited to your wedding because you (or your DH) cares about them.  So whatever the reason.. just be happy it wasn't something serious (ie. heart attack, stroke, etc).

    If they sent card only- no TY needed.  If card and gift- send a TY card.  If you want to say you are sorry you didn't get to see them at the wedding, but hope that you can see them in the near future (or "We look forward to seeing you at Thanksgiving" or whenever you will see them next).  Only put this if you mean it.  If you are still that pissed about the no show.. then just leave the entire comment about the wedding off.
  • edited July 2010
    I think that is appropriate, they don't really know your tone in a letter so they could think you're being genuine. Thank you cards are for those who came to the wedding so naturally since they didn't come you wouldn't say "thank you for coming to our wedding".


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68459d86-d5fc-4c48-8ff9-abf972a306c3Post:7512e401-0307-4ab3-8b16-e6c493b7ae34">Would this be rude??</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I actually already had my wedding, but I have an etiquette type question.  <strong>We had almost 10 people who just didn't show up on the day of the wedding.  I was not pleased, to say the least. (did I mention 9 were from his family??)</strong>  4 of them we found out afterwards were sick, which I guess, what can you do.  Others had various excuses.  However, his great aunt and uncle just didn't show.  No phone call to anyone (even now, over a month afterwards).  They sent a card in the mail, with no explanation or anything.  So, when we go to write our thank-you's, is it appropriate to throw in a line like "so sorry you weren't able to make it to the wedding?" Or is that being a huge b*tch?  What do you think?  Thanks!
    Posted by tracker85[/QUOTE]

    I'm still trying to puzzle out what "almost 10 people" means, given that 9 of them are family.  Who constitutes the almost 1 person? 

    In any event, ditto the others:  if the card contained a gift, send a thank you with a "we missed you at the wedding; hope to see you soon" rather than "sorry you weren't able to make it."
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:68459d86-d5fc-4c48-8ff9-abf972a306c3Post:af9b12d9-3b0f-45e6-a44f-cf8651c45cc8">Re: Would this be rude??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Would this be rude?? : I'm still trying to puzzle out what "almost 10 people" means, given that 9 of them are family.  Who constitutes the almost 1 person?  In any event, ditto the others:  if the card contained a gift, send a thank you with a "we missed you at the wedding; hope to see you soon" rather than "sorry you weren't able to make it."
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]


    9.5 people.  You know, how the average family has 2.5 kids?  The average wedding apparently has 9.5 guests not show up.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68459d86-d5fc-4c48-8ff9-abf972a306c3Post:7512e401-0307-4ab3-8b16-e6c493b7ae34">Would this be rude??</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I actually already had my wedding, but I have an etiquette type question.  We had almost 10 people who just didn't show up on the day of the wedding.  I was not pleased, to say the least. (<strong>did I mention 9 were from his family</strong>??)  4 of them we found out afterwards were sick, which I guess, what can you do.  Others had various excuses.  However, his great aunt and uncle just didn't show.  No phone call to anyone (even now, over a month afterwards).  They sent a card in the mail, with no explanation or anything.  So, when we go to write our thank-you's, is it appropriate to throw in a line like "so sorry you weren't able to make it to the wedding?" Or is that being a huge b*tch?  What do you think?  Thanks!
    Posted by tracker85[/QUOTE]

    You really don't remember if you mentioned that?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:68459d86-d5fc-4c48-8ff9-abf972a306c3Post:2a09d89c-4b8c-48ec-bdbe-1cf529b01c47">Re: Would this be rude??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would this be rude?? : 9.5 people.  You know, how the average family has 2.5 kids?  The average wedding apparently has 9.5 guests not show up.
    Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

    The .5 was probably a child. Or a little person.
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  • Your wedding is over, so get over it
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  • You don't send a TY card for a card.
    Let this go.
  • edited July 2010
    For those with wording suggestions, thanks!
    Almost 10 people = rough count, my apologies for not giving out more precise details
    For those with the snarky comments, no thanks.  Just looking for honest suggestions and a place to vent
  • Yeah - it is rude.

    There were just a handful that didn't make it to ours, after RSVP'ing that yes, they'd be there.

    I am not holding a grudge, things come up that are more important than a wedding. And no, I woudln't dare send them a card - that's just tacky.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:68459d86-d5fc-4c48-8ff9-abf972a306c3Post:d347ac2f-7232-4d79-945c-87c848c55b12">Re: Would this be rude??</a>:
    [QUOTE]For those with wording suggestions, thanks! Almost 10 people = rough count, my apologies for not giving out more precise details For those with the snarky comments, no thanks.  Just looking for honest suggestions and a place to vent
    Posted by tracker85[/QUOTE]


    I had both a snarky comment and a suggest... oh wait, my suggestion was snarky too.  Well then.

    How do you feel about grapefruit?

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:68459d86-d5fc-4c48-8ff9-abf972a306c3Post:01097411-3e29-4f5b-ad5e-3f3b285ee63c">Re: Would this be rude??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would this be rude?? : How do you feel about grapefruit?
    Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

    Did you know that people taking certain cholesterol medications can't have... grapefruit? Random. Just grapefruit. Nothing else.  o.O  I just learned this about my mom the other day. I offered her some grapefruit juice. Never knew this.
  • i thought you only had to write thank yous to the people who gave gifts?? i didnt write any to those that didnt come or give gifts? 
  • It's rude and I actually would hold a grudge unless there was an extraordinarily good reason (like death of an immediate family member). Even then, there's no reason why they couldn't have called that day to say they wouldn't be able to make it.

    If they just sent a card, I wouldn't send anything to them. If there was also a check or present, I'd send a very cold thank you and yes, I'd point out that there were missed at the wedding. They can make of it what they will.

    So shoot me, I wouldn't be the "bigger person" and don't see any reason to aspire to that.
  • I'm surprised you even noticed that these "maybe 10 people" weren't there, especially such a small number of people.  Shouldn't you have been more concerned with celebrating with the people who WERE there?  If people don't or can't end up coming, then it's their loss, not yours unless all you were concerned about was getting a gift from them.
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  • I understand your frustration, but it seems rather passive-aggressive if you actually aren't sorry that they couldn't make it. I don't think they will interpret the message as anything but ernest. The card was meant to acknowledge your wedding and wish you well. They are under no obligation to give you excuses. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:68459d86-d5fc-4c48-8ff9-abf972a306c3Post:170ba7e9-c119-4ba9-8826-31458185ed9e">Re: Would this be rude??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I They are under no obligation to give you excuses. 
    Posted by auradawn[/QUOTE]

    Well, yes, actually they are. If they had just declined to begin with, no excuses necessary. If they respond they're coming and just don't show up, common courtesy requires at least a phone call and an explanation at minimum.
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