WWYD: guest list version [ugh this got long]

sweetpea0911

Back story: My parents are divorced, have been for years.  It was messy and complicated and they don't really tolerate each other very well, though it has gotten better in the last two or three years.  Both are remarried, my father to a great woman (C) and my mother to a man who can be decent when he wants (T).  It's a bit complicated, because T is my godfather - he was my father's friend in college who married my mother's friend (K), who is my godmother.  After both divorces happened, my mother and T ended up getting together, and are quite happy.

Here is my problem: My father remained friends with K after her divorce from T and through her subsequent remarriage (we were invited to her wedding) and birth of her daughter.  They exchange Christmas cards and see each other about once every year or so.  Dad wants K and her family invited to the wedding - they are friends and she is my godmother, so it makes sense.  Plus, C and K are really good friends now, and I know she would be more comfortable if we were to include K, as she will not know many people there other than the family.  My mother does not want K anywhere near my wedding.  She and K never kept in touch well, especially after my parents' divorce, and it is highly awkward for her since she married K's ex.  K and I have not seen each other in many years, but she sends me Christmas cards and seems to be really excited that I found someone.

Dad has included her in the wedding list.  Mom has thrown a fit, is not speaking to me, and has even said that she is seriously considering NOT attending the wedding if I invite K and her family.  T has said he will not attend if K does, regardless of whether my mother chooses to or not.

I don't know what to do.  On the one hand, my father is paying for the reception, and this is the only guest he has said he feels must be included.  On the other hand, it's my MOM and step-dad, and I can't imagine getting married without them.  My mom also bought my dress.

My fiance and I are paying for almost the entire rest of the wedding (his family is paying for flowers).  He says I need to make the best decision for me.  I don't know what that is.  Help?

C/N: My dad wants to invite a friend and her family.  My mother is boycotting my wedding if the woman and her family are invited.  My dad is paying for the reception, mom for my attire, and my fiance and I for almost everything else.  What do I do?

sister2groom

Addition to CN (sorry I just thought this was key info): This friend is the bride's godmother and used to be married to the bride's step-father.

Not quite sure how much this matters, but do you want her there for you, or for your dad? I've got nothing, other than you sitting down with your Mom and T and trying to tell them that this is your godmother and ask them if they can put aside their differences. Good luck.

marinabreeze

I am wondering pretty much the same thing as sister2groom.  If your dad wants your godmother there, you might want to explain to him the situation and see if he will drop it for the sake of family harmony.  If you want to invite your godmother, then you should talk to your mother, and explain to her that the feud between her and god/stepfather is not something you want to be involved in.  Let her know that for her to give you an ultimatum is 1. putting you in the middle of their feud and 2. disregarding your decisions and autonomy.  Let her know that you love her, but you refuse to put yourself in the middle of their issues.  Plan to follow through and be prepared get your wedding attire yourself.

On one hand, I get that it's your mom, and I'm sure you really want her at her wedding.  I also get that on some level, this might not necessarily be a hill worth dying on.  At the same time, if you allow your parents to dictate your adult choices now, they will not stop, and on this I really think you should put your foot down. Remember that it is your mom's decision to decide whether or not to attend your wedding, and if you choose to invite your godmother and your mom and god/stepfather don't attend, that was wholly their choice and that's not your fault. 

Personally, I think your mother is really in the wrong because she's contemplating not coming to her own daughter's wedding because of the possible presence of her man's ex.  I think that both she and god/stepfather are being childish because they care more about being in the same room as godmother than on your nuptuals, and that doesn't reflect well on either of them.

One other thing.  If by chance all parties (including mom and godparents) come around and do attend, make sure your sitting chart takes into consideration these types of issues. 

I'm sorry you are having to go through this.  It really sucks to go deal with these issues and be put in the middle of it.  HTH and good luck to you.

tenofcups4me

I'd want more background on why T and your mom wouldn't attend if the ex-wife is there. Was the breakup absolutely horrendous or is T just an immature ass? That would color my decision.

But I'm most likely to say that even if mom and T don't have good reason, I'd go with their wishes. Because when it comes down to it mom is more important than a godmother who you haven't seen in years.

Oh and how much of a drama queen is your mom usually? My mom's not at all a drama queen or at all unreasonable. So if she specifically asked me not to invite someone, I would know there was a damn good reason and would automatically take that person off the list. But if your mom isn't like that, the situation would be different.

sarah0725

I'm kind of on Team Dad on this one, but it might be because I naturally bristle whenever I hear about anyone giving an unreasonable ultimatum. If it were my mom, I might call her bluff.

Beachy730

This is definitely a tough situation to be in.  I agree with a lot of what marinabreeze said. 

I find to be very childish when parents give ultimatums for their kids weddings.  Just from what I get of the story, your mom and stepdad are bitter about her being there, and need to be adults and suck it up.  Do they have guests that they are asking you to invite?  It would be very hypocritical of them to deny your fathers guest and want some of their own, regardless of who it is. 

I have to say though I'm on the side of your dad here.  From how you explained it, this woman sounds like a good family friend from your dads side, and I would definitely want to invite her out of respect for your dad.  I would sit down with your mom and stepdad and explain that regardless of the past, this woman has stayed close to you and your dad, and you would like to invite her.  I would be blunt to and say I hope that they can be mature adults and realize that their daughter getting married is more important than who is in the room. 

Frankly, your mom and step-dad are being very childish and immature and you shouldn't have to cater to elementary school-like behavior.

sweetpea0911

I guess I don't know what I want to do, which is why I posted it here - I was hoping there was a clear cut etiquette do or don't for this situation.  Bah.

The divorce between T and K was very, very messy, which is why he refuses to come if she does.  My mother doesn't want to attend out of "support for her husband" which, on the one hand I get, but on the other hand hurts a lot since I've been her daughter for 22+ years and they've been married for 1.  It's not like I'm not allowing him at the wedding or something stupid like that.

I'll probably end up inviting K and her family and dealing with the fallout.  While Dad has some other guests on my list, he is paying for the majority of the wedding and has even offered to not include other guests if I invite K (which I wouldn't make him do, K and her family fit into our "parents get 6 friends each" requirement).

Thanks, ladies, for trying to help.  It's appreciated.

Edit: bah, I can't type.  Edited it so that it says T won't come if K DOES come, not if she DOESN'T.

tenofcups4me

I don't get it. It's too bad your mom and her husband feel they can't be in the same room with this other woman. It's easy to say they should suck it up and deal, but since none of us have the faintest idea what went down between them all, that might not be possible.  

Still, are you really going to choose a woman who you haven't seen in years and have virtually no relationship with over your own mother? How bizarre.