Mother / Son Dance Question

stephpierce2171

Hello All - I'm really looking for some advice... My father passed away very unexpectedly this January and the thought of sitting at my September wedding watching the mother/son dance and knowing my Dad isn't going to be there already has me in tears.  I've asked my fiancé to talk to his Mom and ask if they could instead still dance together just in a more subtle way to try to make it a little easier on my Mom, myself, and my Dad's side of the family.  My fiancé is refusing to talk to my FMIL about it saying he doesn't want to upset her and would feel like we would be stealing her moment.  I'm really not sure what to do, I want to be fair to my FI and FMIL but I also don't want to end up in hysterics at my own wedding.  Thoughts?

LeiselEB

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The only suggestions I have (other than your fiance talking this over with his mom) is to not have the DJ announce the mother/son dance, but just have them dance together to a special song. It would be pointing it out so much this way, but they'd still get their moment. Otherwise is there any other room/space you could go to while they dance if you don't want to watch? 

Edit: A friend of mine lost her father and did a dance with her mom at the same time that her husband danced with his mom. They announced it as the mother's dance - might be an option if you and your mom are up for this. 

LuckyGirl1713

I am so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. However I don't think you should take away this moment for your fiancé and his mom. this will be your one and only wedding and their only chance to have this mother son dance moment that she has been thinking of ever since he got engaged. I know it will be difficult for you but think about the future. Your mother in law and your new husband will always wish they had that moment and probably regret not doing it. . Think about if you were in his shoes, it would be very hard for you not to have that moment. I hope this doesn't sound mean or hurtful because I really don't mean it that way. I do agree that it doesn't have to be a huge standout moment of the wedding but it still should be a moment that the two of them can share.

afeliz79

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I guess I'm in the minority here, but I feel like your fiancé seems to be being incredibly insensitive to you. But, I guess I like the idea of the mother's dance or could you dance with a brother or uncle?

jmconley08

I agree with the fact that your fiance is being really insensitive. He should be more concerned with the way you feel than the way his mom feels here. Especially on your wedding day. He makes me nervous. If it was my FI  I think I would be hurt.

Sorry about your dad too. He's always with you.

StephBeanWed61502

I disagree that the fiance is being insensitive - he's trying to balance the needs of two people who are both really important to him.  I know that my mom and brother have been talking about the mother/son dance at his hypothetical future wedding since he was a little kid, and my mom would be completely devastated if he took that away from her, even for a good reason.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I know it will be hard for you, but please don't deprive them of something so special just because it will make you sad.  If it's really going to be that impossible for you to sit through it, have them do it during dinner (or between the dinner and dessert courses, this is usually a good time for spotlight dances anyway since it's a time people tend to just hang out and chat, and the dance party hasn't really started yet), then ask the DJ to signal you before he announces it.  You can quietly excuse yourself (and your mom) from the room before the DJ announces the dance.

Meegles4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-son-dance-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6895129b-9135-4ce5-9c97-b830031f2481Post:8d50dff2-3700-4ca3-92ed-0bc1099b6488">Re: Mother / Son Dance Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree that the fiance is being insensitive - he's trying to balance the needs of two people who are both really important to him.  I know that my mom and brother have been talking about the mother/son dance at his hypothetical future wedding since he was a little kid, and my mom would be completely devastated if he took that away from her, even for a good reason. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I know it will be hard for you, but please don't deprive them of something so special just because it will make you sad.  If it's really going to be that impossible for you to sit through it, have them do it during dinner (or between the dinner and dessert courses, this is usually a good time for spotlight dances anyway since it's a time people tend to just hang out and chat, and the dance party hasn't really started yet), then <strong>ask the DJ to signal you before he announces it.  You can quietly excuse yourself (and your mom) from the room before the DJ announces the dance.
</strong>Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. If it's possible to excuse yourself from the room, do that. Or, if you feel that'd be too conspicuous, just busy yourself with talking to some of your guests. Also, I'm sure your guests would understand if you did shed a tear or two during the dance, so I wouldn't be as worried about that.

I'm sorry for your loss :-(

catarinakittykat

A good friend of mine just got married and her father passed away less than a year ago. Instead of a father daughter dance her and her new husband danced to her fathers favorite song, sort of as a tribute to him. She said from the beginning that she wanted him remembered and still wanted him to be a major part of her day, as he is still very important to her.
I
 don't think it's fair to take the mother son dance away from your FI and FMIL. My friend did cry throughout the day, and the dance, but she is still very glad she paid tribute to him and that her new husband was there to help her through it.

pgcp

I too am sorry for your loss.  I personally think it is way too soon to make any decisions on this.  In five months, when it is time to discuss the play list with the dj, talk about it.  It's had to believe when you are only two months away from your father's death, but the acute pain will be lessoned as the months go by.  Will it be hard to not have your dad there?  Absolutely, but it won't be like your pain today.  If at the time when you settle on the play list, you still find the idea of watching their dance then I think the idea of quietly leaving is a good one.  Every bride needs a moment to go to the restroom, this seems like a good time to do that.