Stepmom-zilla

ap517

Hi, I am hoping for a couple opinions.  The only ones I have received are between my fiance and I, and a few of my family members.  I'm not sure where to post this, and I hope I don't get too many mean responses in turn. 

When my fiance was young he was physically abused by his father shortly after his parents divorced.  A few years later his father remarried a woman who basically was a mother to my fiance.  My fiance did not bring up this abuse to anyone else until just 4 years ago, and my fiance has since not talked to his father.  My fiance has kept in touch with his stepmom during this time though not as often, i.e, we tend to celebrate holidays with my family or his mother's family. 

So, my fiance is not planning on inviting his father to his wedding as his father has denied his past actions.  His father has not had much part in his life, either.  Refused to pay for college, was emotionally abusive, etc.  Aren't you supposed to invite people who love and care about you, and vice versa?  Now apparently the stepmom also insists that the father did not abuse my fiance and she is not attending the wedding.  We have tried telling her that the wedding has nothing to do with fiance and his father, but rather a celebration of marriage and our future lives together.  Also, with her not attending it would mean that 75% of his guests will not be attending, so it would be about 7 of his mother's family, 25 friends, and the rest my family.  We are paying for 150 people (we put a deposit on the venue a year and a half ago), and probably only 100 will attend...so instead of $66/person, it will be more like $100/person.

We have told her multiple times how upset we both are and that she is sabotaging the wedding since no one from his side will attend.  I kinda understand why she wouldn't go without him, but this is practically her sons wedding so I just cannot fathom her decision!!  Luckily we are well supported from my side of the family, but wow! 

I know I just need to deal with it and move on, but it just causes me great stress and major upset anytime I think about it.  Thoughts?

kikibaby

That's a sucky situation for your FI.  I can understand why his stepmom would not want to come without her husband.  It sounds like they're both in denial, though.

It doesn't really matter in the end how many guests are from each side- you're all there to become one family.  And it sounds like his mom will be there.  I don't think you can do much to change the stepmom's mind, though.  So, just support your FI and try not to stress about it. 

T1+T2

While it sucks for your FI, there's not a whole lot you can do save be there for him.  I understand from your post that the stepmom wasn't involved with FI's father while the abuse was going on, so I can see how she can find it hard to believe - and unfortunately, abusers have a way of "convincing" people that they are innocent.  Don't try to convince the stepmom of anything because this might cause more harm than good.

I would just be there for your FI, and make sure that your family is also there for him.  FWIW, my father's side of the family is full of douchebaggery, as is my boyfriend's side.  As it turns out, my mom's family embraced my dad in the same way that they are now embracing my boyfriend, so while its not HIS family, it is now, and I know that its appreciated. 

NatandIsaac

I probably would not attend the wedding of someone who accused my husband of doing something horrible either.

luckyone08_7774238

Why wouldn't the 75 guests on his Mom's side not come if she didn't come? Does she control their actions and whether or not they come to YOUR wedding? That's their decision and if they've RSVP'd to your wedding then they should know you're expecting them.

I understand the dilemma though. But if she's giving you so much trouble about it, maybe it's best that she doesn't come. 

And wouldn't your venue let you give a final head count closer to the wedding so that you're only paying for the people that do come?

ohwhynot

While it's sad, I don't think she's being a stepmom-zilla.  I wouldn't attend a wedding to which my husband was not invited, either.  She's in a terrible spot.  If one person you love says X happened, and the other person you love says no, Y happened, who to believe?  I know you believe your fi, but she believes her husband.  Why is that so unfathomable? 

I don't understand why, if she doesn't attend, 75% of the other guests won't come either, though.  More info? 

MyNameIsNot

I can understand why your FI would decide to cut his father out of his life and off the guest list.  

That said, you've put the stepmother in a position to choose between FI and her husband.  The husband is going to win every time.  You've put her, not the father, in a bad position, and she's making the only decision she can to keep a healthy marriage.  

If your FI wants her and the other family members there, he's going to have to invite his father.  That's just the way these things work.  

squirrly

Part of me says that if the rest of the family won't come if his step-mom isn't attending, they really aren't very close to your FI to begin with. 

The other part of me says just invite the dad and don't really talk to him. 

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stepmom-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e4e0f6-52cf-4584-91a9-30f84ae61e9bPost:28bcb917-0977-412e-a645-8977b01a9686">Re: Stepmom-zilla</a>:
[QUOTE]I probably would not attend the wedding of someone who accused my husband of doing something horrible either.
Posted by NatandIsaac[/QUOTE]

Her husband probably DID do something horrible... why the F would someone make that up?  If I were her, I'd be re-evaluating my relationship, not getting angry at the kid who I practically raised.  Ridiculous.

NatandIsaac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stepmom-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e4e0f6-52cf-4584-91a9-30f84ae61e9bPost:1aeb02c6-a62d-4026-a960-a2864a1362a3">Re: Stepmom-zilla</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Stepmom-zilla : Her husband probably DID do something horrible... why the F would someone make that up?  If I were her, I'd be re-evaluating my relationship, not getting angry at the kid who I practically raised.  Ridiculous.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

<div>I certainly don't know what happened, and neither do you, but from the step-mom's point of view, this accusation probably came out of nowhere, and it is understandable that she would chose not to believe the worst about the person she has vowed to love for better or worse.</div>

T1+T2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stepmom-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e4e0f6-52cf-4584-91a9-30f84ae61e9bPost:1aeb02c6-a62d-4026-a960-a2864a1362a3">Re: Stepmom-zilla</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Stepmom-zilla : Her husband probably DID do something horrible... <strong>why the F would someone make that up</strong>?  If I were her, I'd be re-evaluating my relationship, not getting angry at the kid who I practically raised.  Ridiculous.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.  HOWEVER, depending on how things were between father and son after the stepmom came into the picture and how the stepmom was told, I can see how she's not really buying it, and who knows what daddy dearest has told his wife too.  I also think that if he really was abused, there's no reason why he should invite his abuser. 

I'd rather stand firm and accept that a lot of my family may not come - than have to swallow something like that, ya know?

luckyme502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stepmom-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e4e0f6-52cf-4584-91a9-30f84ae61e9bPost:1aeb02c6-a62d-4026-a960-a2864a1362a3">Re: Stepmom-zilla</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Stepmom-zilla : Her husband probably DID do something horrible... why the F would someone make that up?  If I were her, I'd be re-evaluating my relationship, not getting angry at the kid who I practically raised.  Ridiculous.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

Maybe it isn't made up, but maybe it is.  It sounds like he was pretty young when this physical abuse happened, and it also sounds like it was before the stepmother entered the picture.  Do you know everything your FI did before you met him?  If 20 years from someone comes forward and accuses him of something that happened 25 years ago, are you going to take the accusers side over your husbands? 

luckyone08_7774238

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stepmom-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e4e0f6-52cf-4584-91a9-30f84ae61e9bPost:28bcb917-0977-412e-a645-8977b01a9686">Re: Stepmom-zilla</a>:
[QUOTE]I probably would not attend the wedding of someone who accused my husband of doing something horrible either.
Posted by NatandIsaac[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>That's ridiculous. None of us know what happened, no doubt. But she's had 4 years to think about it. And she's choosing to side with her husband, it sounds like. But it's not an accusation if it happened. And so long as she's not blind or deaf she knows that the son and father have nothing to do with each other and if she's not stupid, she knows there must be a reason behind it.</div>

ohwhynot

It's not necessarily something one would "make up," but there may be shades of grey. What he calls "abusive," his father calls "discipline," or thinks that, in the mists of time & memory, things have been exaggerated or distorted in his son's mind.  If they had a decent relationship up until the fi decided to confront the father about the abuse 4 years ago, I can understand the feeling of "well, it couldn't have been that bad" or thinking that somehow things have been distorted.  Or, worst case scenario, memories of abuse have been "planted" by well-meaning but misguided therapists.  Perhaps dad and stepmom are in complete denial, perhaps they're flat-out lying, or perhaps they really believe that the fi wasn't abused as a young child at all. 

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stepmom-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e4e0f6-52cf-4584-91a9-30f84ae61e9bPost:1aeb02c6-a62d-4026-a960-a2864a1362a3">Re: Stepmom-zilla</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Stepmom-zilla : Her husband probably DID do something horrible... <strong>why the F would someone make that up?</strong>  If I were her, I'd be re-evaluating my relationship, not getting angry at the kid who I practically raised.  Ridiculous.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

<div>People make up much worse.  More than half of allegations of abuse turn out to be fake.</div><div>
</div><div>And regardless of whether it's true, if you've been married to someone for a while, and they've never shown any signs of being abusive, you're going to take your spouse's word over someone else's.  </div>

spinner84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stepmom-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e4e0f6-52cf-4584-91a9-30f84ae61e9bPost:6bb82d88-1c28-4c17-8fa3-ac0b4f8a9687">Re: Stepmom-zilla</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Stepmom-zilla : People make up much worse.  More than half of allegations of abuse turn out to be fake. And regardless of whether it's true, if you've been married to someone for a while, and they've never shown any signs of being abusive, you're going to take your spouse's word over someone else's.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Back up those statistics please. I do'nt believe that at all. More cases go unreported, than cases that are made up.

Anyway, you invited her but not her husband, of course her loyalty is with her husband (rightfully or wrongfully). As for people who will not attend because she won't be there... well, your wedding will have a higher concentration of people who care about you, and while the pp cost is increasing, the TOTAL cost is the same, so think of it as a tigher, better, more compact wedding for the same cost.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stepmom-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e4e0f6-52cf-4584-91a9-30f84ae61e9bPost:6be1b364-afb7-46eb-a849-be44ac04bba1">Re: Stepmom-zilla</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Stepmom-zilla : Back up those statistics please. I do'nt believe that at all. More cases go unreported, than cases that are made up. 
Posted by spinner84[/QUOTE]

<div>I learned it working in family violence court.  I have no idea where my training materials are, but I was shocked by that and remember it.  </div><div>
</div><div>I was an advocate for victims of abuse, and it put into perspective how important it is to screen people before we put our limited resources toward helping them file for a protective order.  </div>

katiewhompus

Remember when E made the AE who was abused by her fiance and pushed through a glass table? Yeah...completely made up, and fuucked up, but still fake.

I could see where the stepmom is stuck in the middle of this. If someone came up to me and told me that Dh used to be violent I would never be able to believe it since I know how he is now. If this happened a long time before stepmom entered the picture I can see her thinking the same thing.

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stepmom-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69e4e0f6-52cf-4584-91a9-30f84ae61e9bPost:c63a5abd-2185-4fff-a427-ce8e69373bd7">Re: Stepmom-zilla</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Stepmom-zilla : Maybe it isn't made up, but maybe it is.  It sounds like he was pretty young when this physical abuse happened, and it also sounds like it was before the stepmother entered the picture.  Do you know everything your FI did before you met him?  If 20 years from someone comes forward and accuses him of something that happened 25 years ago, are you going to take the accusers side over your husbands? 
Posted by luckyme502[/QUOTE]

Well, if someone steps up and says that my FI abused them when he was 5, I might question that.

I can't put myself in the stepmom's situation.  And I did say I understand why she's not coming when her husband isn't invited.  I just don't think it makes sense to assume her husband is a victim of the FI's lies.

jasmineh7777

She won't come without her husband. Prepare yourselves for her not to attend. That's really all you can do. The guestlists for each side don't need to be equal, so don't worry about that.
This sounds like a tough situation. GL!