So sorry you can't attend

squirrly

but I didn't invite you anyway.

That's what I want to tell my second cousin.  He emailed this morning to tell me he's going to his daughter's graduation and so they won't be able to attend our wedding.  Um. . . I've seen him twice in 15 years.  I invited his parents, but I didn't invite him.  Apparently his mother called him to forward the invitation. 

Wonder how many more of these are coming?  My grandmother mentioned that lots of people are asking where we're registered - I didn't invite that many people on that side of the family for there to be "lots" asking.  I hope she's exaggerating.

jajph1974

That's a shame. I hope you don't get stuck having to make a bunch of awkward phone calls.

MrsHaH101010

Wow, some people just don't understand etiquette or how to read an invitation.  You could try to have some people on that side of the family spread the word that not everyone is invited and have them say you were trying to keep the wedding small for budget reasons. 

Good luck!

squirrly

I'm more worried they're just going to show up on the day of.  I'll make the phone calls if I have to.  But there's not much I can do once they're there.

AlexiaANDRobert

I honestly forwarded all awkardness to my parents.

One of my cousins kept reminding me that I wouldn't be able to play with his year old daughter if I had a "no kids" wedding.  Dude, really? I had Dad field that one.  And then I had my mom field her side of the family.  Robert's mom handled that side of the family and it worked out for us.

We had ONE uninvited guest (of 112 people).  One of my cousins brought his girlfriend.  No one found out until they were walking out of the Church to the reception and no one knew who this weird chick was.  The caterer handled it.

jajph1974

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sorry-cant-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a4b539a-6048-4828-b8cd-ec7bcb172485Post:4b058bf5-7514-4fcf-97f0-b029c0bad84f">Re: So sorry you can't attend</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm more worried they're just going to show up on the day of.  I'll make the phone calls if I have to.  But there's not much I can do once they're there.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]


Hopefully they'll catch on when there isn't a seat for them at the reception  :P

ErLeBe

Ugh. This is one of my bigger fears because of space and cost and everything. Good luck, and I hope it all works out.

ThePinkSuperhero

"Oh, you can't come?  That's too bad.  We'll miss you terribly!"

evabee

Squirrly - I think you'll probably come across that a lot. I understand the "rules" behind wedding invitations, that those they are addressed to are invited and no one else, but I have not talked to ONE person who knew about those rules here in southern Ohio. If I depended on people knowing that I would have been totally screwed because everyone I've spoken with has thought that an invitation to parents included the children and their SOs, whether they were adult children or not. 

I don't think most people have as much exposure to wedding etiquette as we like to assume anymore. It used to be taught in schools and there were more rigid rules, etc, and now I think a lot of people just simply don't know!

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sorry-cant-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a4b539a-6048-4828-b8cd-ec7bcb172485Post:2653bdd9-04e7-46f2-acae-c6d917105138">Re: So sorry you can't attend</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So sorry you can't attend : Hopefully they'll catch on when there isn't a seat for them at the reception  :P
Posted by jajph1974[/QUOTE]

If I have room, we'll set up some extra seats just in case, but wow.  (I'm not sure that part of the family has been to a plated dinner wedding before.  Probably just buffet, and mostly cake & punch.)

kate51485

haha.  I'm totally showing up to your shindig, Squirrls.  Just to see the look on your face.

btrflykate1230

That's so annoying. Why do people seem to think that weddings are a family reunion? I'm sorry you're dealing with this!

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sorry-cant-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a4b539a-6048-4828-b8cd-ec7bcb172485Post:609544be-a962-4954-9504-6b2cfe5a5ebd">Re: So sorry you can't attend</a>:
[QUOTE]Squirrly - I think you'll probably come across that a lot. I understand the "rules" behind wedding invitations, that those they are addressed to are invited and no one else, but I have not talked to ONE person who knew about those rules here in southern Ohio. If I depended on people knowing that I would have been totally screwed because everyone I've spoken with has thought that an invitation to parents included the children and their SOs, whether they were adult children or not.  I don't think most people have as much exposure to wedding etiquette as we like to assume anymore. It used to be taught in schools and there were more rigid rules, etc, and now I think a lot of people just simply don't know!
Posted by evabee[/QUOTE]

Eva, <strong>most</strong> of our guests really do know.  It's just this side of the family that is questionable AND local AND enormous.  FI's family might not know, but they'd have to buy plane tickets to get to the wedding.  The other side of my family is tiny, so there's really nobody left who wasn't actually invited. 

Seriously, we could have more than doubled the size of the wedding with my relatives.  Many of whom I couldn't pick out of a crowd, or at the very least, tell you their name.

baystateapple

I really don't understand the way people's minds work when it comes to RSVPing for weddings.  Why would you just SHOW UP to a wedding, especially if you hadn't received a physical invitation (just word of mouth)?  It doesn't make any sense.  And before I joined TK, I wouldn't have believed people would think that way.  But after being on here for awhile, it's pretty obvious that anything is possible when it comes to rude guests.

squirrly

Kate, if you'll just pick what you want to eat first, I'll be happy to have you. 

AlexiaANDRobert

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sorry-cant-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a4b539a-6048-4828-b8cd-ec7bcb172485Post:b0661ad4-8bce-4cd5-a7db-a9fdce2a7707">Re: So sorry you can't attend</a>:
[QUOTE]That's so annoying. <strong>Why do people seem to think that weddings are a family reunion?</strong> I'm sorry you're dealing with this!
Posted by btrflykate1230[/QUOTE]

Depending on the family, they really can be.

I know A LOT of cousins were pissy that we had a 'no kids' wedding.  We had 50 something declines an AT LEAST 20 were because of the 'no kids' rule.  On H's side, weddings always included EVERYONE.  His sister had the same issue when she got married 5 years ago.

AlexiaANDRobert

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sorry-cant-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a4b539a-6048-4828-b8cd-ec7bcb172485Post:7b40b397-a42b-44ac-bcd9-a1840627f52f">Re: So sorry you can't attend</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So sorry you can't attend : Eva, most of our guests really do know.  It's just this side of the family that is questionable AND local AND enormous.  FI's family might not know, but they'd have to buy plane tickets to get to the wedding.  The other side of my family is tiny, so there's really nobody left who wasn't actually invited.  <strong>Seriously, we could have more than doubled the size of the wedding with my relatives.  Many of whom I couldn't pick out of a crowd, or at the very least, tell you their name.</strong>
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry :(  That really stinks.

We made that a rule for our guest list.  If we didn't know the person and couldn't remember their name or how they were related, we weren't inviting them.

kate51485

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sorry-cant-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a4b539a-6048-4828-b8cd-ec7bcb172485Post:e0f63790-cd2f-4e7c-8831-20c92640f888">Re: So sorry you can't attend</a>:
[QUOTE]Kate, if you'll just pick what you want to eat first, I'll be happy to have you.  :D
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

*runs to check bio for menu info* ;)

evabee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sorry-cant-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a4b539a-6048-4828-b8cd-ec7bcb172485Post:7b40b397-a42b-44ac-bcd9-a1840627f52f">Re: So sorry you can't attend</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So sorry you can't attend : Eva, most of our guests really do know.  It's just this side of the family that is questionable AND local AND enormous.  FI's family might not know, but they'd have to buy plane tickets to get to the wedding.  The other side of my family is tiny, so there's really nobody left who wasn't actually invited.  Seriously, we could have more than doubled the size of the wedding with my relatives.  Many of whom I couldn't pick out of a crowd, or at the very least, tell you their name.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

<div>Ahh that's so brutal! You're lucky that most of your guest do know. I feel his pain because my family doesn't know AND is local AND is enormous and this wedding is a family reunion and a 4th of July party. I'm just planning food and bar based on the number I get if all people over 18 bring a guest and a small child I didn't know existed. It's dinner by the bite though, instead of plated, so that's a little bit more flexible.</div>

pumpkinpumpkin

Ahhhhh, the joys of having JOP'd it.

squirrly

Kate, the beef is winning right now.   

Alexia, we have that rule too - if somebody else has to introduce a guest to both of us, they're not invited (except for an "and guest"). 

Ugh. . . my grandmother turned my 1st cousin (only one of her grandkids yet to be married)'s bridal shower into a family reunion with 400 people.  NOT KIDDING.  We've gently reminded her that this can't be like that.  The tent isn't big enough, much less the budget.  I think she understands. . . I just can't speak for her sister, obviously.

btrflykate1230

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sorry-cant-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a4b539a-6048-4828-b8cd-ec7bcb172485Post:4b5a92e7-1f97-441d-8f33-2a366c079ccf">Re: So sorry you can't attend</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So sorry you can't attend : Depending on the family, they really can be. I know A LOT of cousins were pissy that we had a 'no kids' wedding.  We had 50 something declines an AT LEAST 20 were because of the 'no kids' rule.  On H's side, weddings always included EVERYONE.  His sister had the same issue when she got married 5 years ago.
Posted by AlexiaANDRobert[/QUOTE]

Blah, that's frustrating. We're having no kids too, but at $60 a plate and having to pay for the open bar pp fee for everyone (including children, don't even get me started on this) we just can't afford it. Wedding isn't until October, but I am so waiting for the backlash.

swtasa

Wow squirrly that honestly blows, I'm unsure what it is you can do in that instance. It'd talk to your immediate family members to "put feelers out" see if more random uninvited family members are talking about attending. I would NEVER assume I was invited to a wedding unless I got an invite geeze

kate51485

btrflykate, I love your bebe's staticky hair in your sig

britne28

Most people get the point when they receive a birthday party invitation that it is for the person on the invite.  Why can't they get the same point for a wedding invitation.  Weddings are more expensive than birthday parties.

btrflykate1230

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sorry-cant-attend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a4b539a-6048-4828-b8cd-ec7bcb172485Post:ad424fd1-4e26-429a-83a9-8972f654a9b7">Re: So sorry you can't attend</a>:
[QUOTE]btrflykate, I love your bebe's staticky hair in your sig :)
Posted by kate51485[/QUOTE]

Thanks! I love the shaggy hair look on him. I'm keeping it until he's old enough to argue with me about it.

I'm still aggrivated for Squirrly and the idea that people think a wedding is like house party.

abbygrace8

going off of that, what happens if you invite someone without allowing them to bring a guest because you figure they'll know enough people there to not need a guest, but they ask to bring one anyways? how do you communicate that the invite is for them and only them? i'm referencing my fraternity brothers- i don't think they're cultured enough to know wedding etiquette. lol

skippylouwho

My cousin & his wife didn't invite a great aunt/uncle) from his dad's side of the family because this couple, in their middle 70s, were known to get drunk and get in to arguments in public.  The couple knew when the wedding was, thought their invitation must have been lost in the mail and came anyway. And yes, they got drunk and got in to a FIST FIGHT in the middle of the dance floor. It was awful.

My DD is having a "no kids" wedding - no kids under 14. There is a shower for her in 2 weeks. A cousin, with 4 kids under 8, called the hostess and asked to bring all 4. The hostess didn't was so taken off guard that she said yes.  Now I will say these 4 are exceptionally well behaved, nice & fun little kids but still - to ask to bring 1 or even 2 but FOUR kids? This is at a nice-sized home, but there will be at least 40 women there - plus 4 little kids bored to tears.

They have no idea yet that the wedding is "adults only" since the invitations haven't gone out yet. 

squirrly

Abby, you just tell them you're sorry, but you can't accomodate another guest and that they'll be seated with X, Y, and Z.  If they have a serious SO, though, you should make room for that one.

Anthriel22

Ugh, good luck squirrly!  I am so worried about this happening once I send out invites!  Fingers are crossed that you have very minimal self invitees!!!!  You are getting so close though!  Are you getting excited???   I cant wait to send out my invites and have the maddness ensue (despite my worries)!

KristiL6

Oh man I feel your pain! I swear everyone I introduce my fiance to says they are so excited for the wedding and when are the invitations coming, etc... For some reason people are out of it and don't seem to understand how darn expensive weddings are.