Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

MOH has Family Crisis! Please HELP ME!

My Maid of Honor called me with some really bad news and I have no idea how to proceed. My Maid of Honor not only lost her job yesterday but found out her mother has a life threatening illness. She informed me that she is immediatly moving home (across the country) to care for her mother. She told me that she thought it might be best for me if I picked a different maid of honor. She doesn't feel that she will be able to devote the kind of time and attention that a MOH should. So what do I do? Do I ask one of other bridesmaids to be MOH or do I leave my friend as MOH and try to manage all this wedding planning on my own? My current MOH would still be in the wedding as a bridesmaid if I did choose a different MOH. One other piece of information you may need is that all my bridesmaids live out of state but were within driving distance or in town often enough to help me plan. Witht he type of illness her mother has, she will probably not be coming back east very often or maybe at all except for the wedding. I'm really at a loss as to how to proceed here. I love my MOH but I don't think I can do all this planning on my own. Please be kind. I am heartbroken over the fact that I have to make this decision like this.
Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: MOH has Family Crisis! Please HELP ME!

  • Options
    I would not let her back out.   Support her in her time of need.   Let your FI help if you need help with the wedding.  It's his day also.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Options
    I'm planning my wedding on my own. Just do what you can. I wouldn't remove her from her MOH status. She is still your best girl. Anyone else that you choose will feel second best because, well, they are. Just ask for whatever help you can get from whoever and other than that, cut out things that you don't need/have to do. For example, simpler centerpieces or no favors that require DIY. 

    Good luck! That is a sucky situation.
  • Options
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-family-crisis-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a64d423-dfb7-4eb7-920c-ff7015b04be9Post:a5a50116-723e-4206-883d-3dee10e916cc">MOH has Family Crisis! Please HELP ME!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My Maid of Honor called me with some really bad news and I have no idea how to proceed. My Maid of Honor not only lost her job yesterday but found out her mother has a life threatening illness. She informed me that she is immediatly moving home (across the country) to care for her mother. She told me that she thought it might be best for me if I picked a different maid of honor. She doesn't feel that she will be able to devote the kind of time and attention that a MOH should. <strong>She is only required to get her dress and show up. Hosting a bridal shower or planning a bachelorette party is not required. </strong>So what do I do? Do I ask one of other bridesmaids to be MOH or do I leave my friend as MOH and try to manage all this wedding planning on my own? <strong>No one is responsible for planning your wedding besides you and your FI. Please do not ask her to step down to just a BM. Let her be your MOH and be there to support her through these difficult times. </strong>My current MOH would still be in the wedding as a bridesmaid if I did choose a different MOH. One other piece of information you may need is that all my bridesmaids live out of state but were within driving distance or in town often enough to help me plan. Witht he type of illness her mother has, she will probably not be coming back east very often or maybe at all except for the wedding. I'm really at a loss as to how to proceed here. I love my MOH but I don't think I can do all this planning on my own.<strong> If you  & your FI can't plan your wedding, then I think I would take a step back and really think about your decision to continue with the planning. Perhaps you need to push things back for awhile or put things on hold. </strong> Please be kind. I am heartbroken over the fact that I have to make this decision like this. <strong>Edit: oh yeah, this is peanuts compared to other situations in life and marriage you will likely deal with and experience in the future. </strong>
    Posted by playingonadream[/QUOTE]
  • Options
    I'm sorry you're going through this. Let her be MOH. It's an 'honor', but you dont' need her to help plan, I promise. You can do this on your own.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • Options
    Ditto what PP said.  I would keep her as your MOH and you and your FI plan your wedding.  If you need help you can always hire a wedding planner to alleviate some stress. 
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    I agree with pp you can plan this on your own and I'm sure your other bridesmaids would help!  They don't need that title in order to be there for you.  I would definitely keep her has your MOH.  It will probably mean a lot to her to know that you care about her that much.  I hope everything turns out ok for both of you.
  • Options
    There is no reason that she can't still be your MOH.  MOH's are not required to help plan the wedding, of course it's nice to have a friend as a sounding board, but nobody is required to help you plan, no matter what their title is in the wedding. 

  • Options
    What an awful situation for her and sad for you too...
    That said, I think you should continue to keep her as MOH
    Honestly it's nice if she is able to help you plan, but it is not a requirement of the position that she do it.  All she's "required" to do is buy a dress and show up at the wedding

    My MOH lives out of town and has 4 young children.  She has not been able to help barely at all, which is fine by me.  I didn't ask her to be my MOH so I could have a free wedding planner, I asked her because I just want her there by my side on our special day.

    Trust me I've planned 99% of my wedding myself with no help from anyone (lots of offers of help but I wanted to do it "my" way haha) and it is totally do-able

    She can still be there for you to brainstorm ideas on the phone/via email with, which might help distract her a bit from the stuff going on in her life :)
  • Options
    That is a terrible situation. Don't demote her. She is absolutely not required to help you with ANYTHING as your MOH. (By the way, no other BM's are either). The honor is her being your friend. Just be supportive and tell her that she doesn't need to worry about anything, that you really just want her with you on your special day. Maybe set aside some extra funds to pay for her dress/transportation to the wedding if you can. 
  • Options
    Just support your friend.  If she wants to back out, that's fine, but tell her that if at ANY point down the road she changes her mind, her spot as MOH is waiting for her.  Don't promote or demote anyone. Then do anything you possibly can in your power to help her through this rough time. 
  • Options

    First, I want to thank all of you for your input. Your responses all seem to be my initial response to the situation.

    Please note that she has asked me to select another MOH not that this was my immediate solution or suggestion. My questions is do I force her to continue to be in the position of MOH even though she's completely freaked and stressed over her mom or let her bow out. My initial reaction was to tell her that she's still MOH and that I don't need a bridal shower or bachlorette party but her response was you've missed out on a lot of milestone life experiences and she won't allow me to miss out on more experiences because of her. If I refuse to let her back out and tell her to focus on the things that are really important and not my stupid wedding then I'm worried she's going to stress over the things she thinks she has to do, whether I tell her she doesn't have to or not.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    I would just tell her that she is the only one you can imagine being your MOH and that if she wants the spot it's there for her.  And then stress that she doesn't have to do anything other than show up and look pretty on the wedding day--that might take some of the pressure off her decision to back out. 
  • Options
    If she wants to step down, let her. But I do not think you should select another MOH just because you want a party. I had no MOH, bridesmaids, bachelorette party, or bridal shower and my wedding was still a large milestone in my life. If your BM's together want to plan something, they will, it is not all up to the MOH.
  • Options
    Tell your friend how sorry you are that she's going through this horrible time and that you're there for her.  Tell that of course she will still be your maid of honor, and that she shouldn't worry about helping you plan the wedding or parties before the wedding or anything related to the wedding.  All she (or any other wedding attendant) has to do is show up to the wedding in her bridesmaid dress.  

    If she still wants to back out after you tell her that you don't expect her to do anything other than be there for you on your wedding day, then let her go.  I, personally, wouldn't replace her with any other person.  That person will know they weren't your first choice for MOH and will be hurt.

    I'm sorry your MOH is going through this.  As for your wedding, shouldn't your fiance be helping you plan?  I'm not sure why your MOH would be helping you plan in the first place since it's not her wedding.      
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-family-crisis-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a64d423-dfb7-4eb7-920c-ff7015b04be9Post:3d44884f-87ac-4d39-b52a-6b8c81afe037">Re: MOH has Family Crisis! Please HELP ME!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would just tell her that she is the only one you can imagine being your MOH and that if she wants the spot it's there for her.  And then stress that she doesn't have to do anything other than show up and look pretty on the wedding day--that might take some of the pressure off her decision to back out. 
    Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

    This. Hopefully your other BM and/or family members can help with the other stuff. My BM wanted out after she found out she was pregnant. I would not let her at first. I said take a few months and after everything settles down decide then. She stayed me BM. With everything going on tell her to worry about other things and not worry about your wedding.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-family-crisis-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a64d423-dfb7-4eb7-920c-ff7015b04be9Post:3d44884f-87ac-4d39-b52a-6b8c81afe037">Re: MOH has Family Crisis! Please HELP ME!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would just tell her that she is the only one you can imagine being your MOH and that if she wants the spot it's there for her.  And then stress that she doesn't have to do anything other than show up and look pretty on the wedding day--that might take some of the pressure off her decision to back out. 
    Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]


    This!

    Also, what else do you expect her to do? Your other BMs can plan parties without her being involved. They aren't required to do all that though. I never heard of people in the bridal party helping to plan the wedding. It is a personal decision that the couple who is getting married should figure out on their own. Asking for opinions is fine, but all the major stuff is on you. It is you honoring her by asking her to be MOH. Let her deal with all the major shock she just got this week and as the wedding approaches then you can worry about if she will be able to attend or not. Support what she is going through and be there for her.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Options
    Be there for her.  Let her stay MOH, after all, the only thing she HAS to do as MOH is stand up there next to you as I say "I do."
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-family-crisis-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a64d423-dfb7-4eb7-920c-ff7015b04be9Post:07e38dc4-79fc-4c4d-92a0-49907bb68c04">Re: MOH has Family Crisis! Please HELP ME!</a>:
    [QUOTE]First, I want to thank all of you for your input. Your responses all seem to be my initial response to the situation. Please note that she has asked me to select another MOH not that this was my immediate solution or suggestion. My questions is do I force her to continue to be in the position of MOH even though she's completely freaked and stressed over her mom or let her bow out. My initial reaction was to tell her that she's still MOH and that I don't need a bridal shower or bachlorette party but her response was you've missed out on a lot of milestone life experiences and she won't allow me to miss out on more experiences because of her. If I refuse to let her back out and tell her to focus on the things that are really important and not my stupid wedding then I'm worried she's going to stress over the things she thinks she has to do, whether I tell her she doesn't have to or not.
    Posted by playingonadream[/QUOTE]

    <div>Let her bow out, don't replace her. It isn't the end of the world to not have a MOH. </div>
  • Options
    Your wedding is practically a year away, I really wouldn't worry about this now.  Just be a friend.  
  • Options

    It seems like most of you agree with me that she shouldn't step down as the MOH so I'm going to keep moving in the direction I already chose which is to try to convince her that she doesn't need to step down and that she doesn't have to help me work out wedding details. Before you read the rest of my post know that I'm reaching out to my bridesmaids and asking them to help me convince my MOH that we can handle the wedding stuff on our own and that all she needs to do is focus on her mom.

    I see that many of you are saying that the MOH and BMs don't have any tasks they are required to do. You say all I should expect or require is that they show up. While I agree that they do not have to help with the wedding planning most good BM want to help in the planning of the wedding. Most of us chose our bridesmaids because they are our friends and our support structure and you can't imagine your big day without them being there. If my MOH wanted to help me plan the wedding why shouldn't I allow it? If my girlfriends all want to come over once a month and look at wedding magazines and help me decide on wedding details what is so bad about that? I'm not forcing them to help me. I didn't ask them to help me. They chose to help me and pretty much ambushed me at that. My MOH takes this position seriously and bought books and read lots of articles about the duties of the MOH ON HER OWN. I'm not a bridezilla, I'm not a raging mess of a bride. I'm just a girl who wants to marry the love of her life and celebrate the fact that she's still here on this earth against all odds. Excuse me for being worried about my friend who is so invested in the MOH role that if I tell her to stay my MOH she's going to feel she has to do the MOH tasks whether I tell her it isn't needed or not. Don't any of you know someone that would work themselves into the ground if you let them? Don't any of you have someone in your life that doesn't understand no? Don't any of you know someone who puts everyone elses needs above their own? Well that is my friend...and i feel it is my duty to try and protect her if I can.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    All we have to go off of was how you said "I love my MOH but I don't think I can do all this planning on my own." Even though you may have not meant for it to sound this way,  the way it reads is that you want to choose another MOH so she can help you. We are just trying to help, but you do need to realize that now your MOH does not have the time or means to help, so just support her and continue along with your wedding planning. Good luck.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_moh-family-crisis-please-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a64d423-dfb7-4eb7-920c-ff7015b04be9Post:417f3423-2e9d-4368-862f-05add18e2247">Re: MOH has Family Crisis! Please HELP ME!</a>:
    [QUOTE]All we have to go off of was how you said "I love my MOH but I don't think I can do all this planning on my own." Even though you may have not meant for it to sound this way,  the way it reads is that you want to choose another MOH so she can help you. We are just trying to help, but you do need to realize that now your MOH does not have the time or means to help, so just support her and continue along with your wedding planning. Good luck.
    Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

    You're right, going back and reading what I'd written it does come across differently than I meant it to. It has been an emotional day and i probably could have picked better words or sentiments. I'm freaked out by all this change occuring at once and having my best friend move across the country is difficult even if you aren't planning a wedding. I appreciate all of your honest responses and and helpful advice. If nothing else it made me realize that I'm lucky to have such wonderful friends\bridesmaids that have gone above and beyond the minimum requirements of showing up to the wedding.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    My sister is my MOH and she lives eight states away from me, yet I didn't let that stop me from choosing her as my MOH. There is plenty of planning that you both could work together to do from a distance. Additionally, you really do need to include your FI in the planning, and he will always be there for support when times get stressful. Definitely don't "demote" her, you chose her for your MOH for a very good reason! Try and work it out, and help give her love and support in her very trying times. Hope this helps. I'm sorry you are going through this!
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Options
    I dont think you need to even worry about this at all! your best friends mother is very sick, you should be worried about her not the MOH stuff. c'mon move on. worry about this later
    Wedding Countdown Ticker image Future Mrs.Hellem
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards