This can't be the right order...

ImHiding

I'll try to keep this short. FI's sister got engaged back before thanksgiving. She and her FI have been planning this wonderful destination wedding in Spain just the two of them (romantic right?). Now they've changed what would have been the destination wedding into the honeymoon with plans to go to the courthouse when they get back. That was the first time they changed it. Now they're on their honeymoon (haven't gotten married yet) and when they get back they're planning on a wedding in Vegas. Just the two of them and have been very adamant that they don't want anyone to go with them. That's fine with me, MOB is hurt but we'll all live. Now they're talking about having a reception when they get back, not sure how big but it sounds like it's gonna be a big one with all the frills.

Here's my question...it's been my understanding from lurking on here that you don't get a present for someone who has a destination wedding that you weren't invited to. Are there exceptions to this rule? I saw on another forum something about an AHR (at home reception) that made me wonder about those. I'm just confused about the whole thing. Spoke with some of the family and it sounds like they're expecting gifts (after saying up and down that they didn't want anyone there and didn't want any gifts). It's a big switch from what they'd been saying but she's had to sit back and watch her younger sister get married before her and another younger sister get her e-ring before her too. Very aware that wedding can drive people bonkers so I'm trying to take the possiblity of temporary wedding insanity into account. Etiquette-wise though....what is expected in this situation? Thank you!

banana468

Etiquette wise one never expects a gift.

If you're invited to the actual wedding you should give a gift.  And IMO, if you're close enough to love the people, give them a gift regardless of whether or not you attended the wedding or were invited to it.

That said, if they turn a reception into a big PPD, I'm with you that they have quite the sense of entitlement.

andrea2473

Their 'honeymoon' is really just a vacation if they are taking it before they are married, but that's not really relevant.  They can vacation whenever they choose to.

As far as giving a gift, gifts are never an obligation.   You may choose to give someone a gift for any event or not.   It's up to you.   They should not be implying that they want them.

AHRs are okay if it is truly an elopement, but I hope they skip a pretend vow renewal and the wedding dress, because it's completely unnecessary.   It sounds as though they are doing everything right so far unless I missed something.  

ImHiding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-cant-be-the-right-order?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a76d857-5d5b-4dc1-8728-b86b74a85339Post:0dfe3d4d-9a06-4e4c-bfff-7f58610a656c">Re: This can't be the right order...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Their 'honeymoon' is really just a vacation if they are taking it before they are married, but that's not really relevant.  They can vacation whenever they choose to.</strong> As far as giving a gift, gifts are never an obligation.   You may choose to give someone a gift for any event or not.   It's up to you.   They should not be implying that they want them. <strong>AHRs are okay if it is truly an elopement, but I hope they skip a pretend vow renewal and the wedding dress, because it's completely unnecessary.   It sounds as though they are doing everything right so far unless I missed something.  </strong>
Posted by andrea2473[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree totally with that and thought that's what they were doing except they're calling it a honeymoon. Eh, no skin off my nose. To my knowledge they're not going to do any kind of ceremony when they get back. I thought it was just going to be a party to celebrate them gettig married since no family will be with them in Vegas but they keep saying it's a reception and implying that it's going to be like a regular reception. Dangerous talk about a registry too but I'll probably just get them a gift card and toss it into a card (not close to the sister and she kind of scares me). Thanks for the help! </div><div>
</div><div>Edit: I did hear some talk of getting a dress but I'm hoping it's not an actual wedding dress and more a party dress. Been trying to keep my nose out of the whole thing but did wonder what etiquette says regarding something like this.</div>

jennipea382

Kinda funny, I know someone that sorta did something similar. I don't know if they had or are having a reception or anything. But they were on a trip and got married in Vegas at the end of it. It was a total surprise. I don't know how long they had talked about it (I don't even think they were engaged, and not that it matters but I don't even think they were "in a relationship" on FB, haha), but they did have family there. This story kinda reminded me of that a little!

Anyways, I agree with PPs about gifts. They can be given any time, for any reason really. That's the point of a gift. So if you feel like getting them a gift, go for it! If not, and if there's no "reception", then don't worry about it. Hopefully they're just planning on having a celebration party. Nothing wrong with that but I agree it gets weird when there's the whole dress, first dance, bridal party, etc.

zizibet

It's true that gifts are never expected, but,giifts are given for the ceremony, not the reception.  That said, it would probably be good for family relations to give one anyway.

hoffse

Yeah I'd at least get her something small, since this is the family you're marrying into.  If she has even mild wedding crazies she might get offended that you didn't get her anything.  No reason to burn those bridges this early on.

ImHiding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-cant-be-the-right-order?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a76d857-5d5b-4dc1-8728-b86b74a85339Post:48463a02-6c43-4eb6-88d0-fef368055b84">Re: This can't be the right order...</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah I'd at least get her something small, since this is the family you're marrying into.  If she has even mild wedding crazies she might get offended that you didn't get her anything.  No reason to burn those bridges this early on.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

Ohhh, she's got the wedding crazies alright. Her younger sister got engaged before her back when she'd only been dating her FI for a while and suddenly whenever the sister mentioned what she was up to in the wedding planning the older sister started right up with what she and FI (who hadn't proposed yet or mentioned planning to propose to anyone) were gonna do with their wedding. It was a bit weird to say the least. After about a year of that she suddenly switched to the destination wedding in Spain with just her and FI who by then we figured was gonna propose since he hadn't run screaming from the room whenever she started up about their wedding (good for him). They're on the honeymoon/vacation trip right now but about a month before the trip she started calling it the honeymoon and that they were taking a trip to Vegas to get hitched, no one could come, blah blah blah. It's confusing but eh, whatever makes them happy is cool. I think getting them a small gift is nice except that the whole "no family allowed" thing has gotten under MOB and Grandma of bride's skin. I sat through about an hour of how she's being hurtful to her mother and the whole reception (and calling it a reception) when they get back is just being gift grabby. If grandma finds out we gave a gift we may get some scolding for rewarding the gift grabbiness so maybe just give it to them on the side and hope it doesn't make it back to grandma. Or MOB. Either way it'll be fine but if she actually sets up a registry I swear I'm never gonna hear the end of it.