Parenting

nurse.misty

Call me selfish, but I've never wanted children of my own. I just like being able to take off when I want and enjoy not having the responsibility. I'm great with kids, and if anything ever happened to FI's ex wife I'd love having his daughter here full time. She's 6 so pretty self sufficient.  She tells everyone I"m her best friend and I really enjoy playing with her.

We haven't told her about getting married, mainly because we don't want her mom to find out. She would see to it she wasn't available for the wedding. She knows about a special party, but that's all it's mentioned as around her. So it was a shock to me the other night when we are eating dinner and out of nowhere she announces she wants a little sister. She also declared I needed to be her sister's mommy and her daddy should be the daddy. After I finished choking on my Captain, she said I had 2 years to make a decision.

I guess it just has me thinking now, what are some of your favorite/least favorite things about being a parent? I don't know that I would be open to it, but it made me at least ponder it a little bit.

SteveandKris

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a98de3d-d9dd-4bc4-a908-c12a7f63b2eaPost:31360511-5692-42fd-abf0-2bfd42cd40fc">Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]Call me selfish, but I've never wanted children of my own. I just like being able to take off when I want and enjoy not having the responsibility. I'm great with kids, and if anything ever happened to FI's ex wife I'd love having his daughter here full time. She's 6 so pretty self sufficient.  She tells everyone I"m her best friend and I really enjoy playing with her. We haven't told her about getting married, mainly because we don't want her mom to find out.<strong> She would see to it she wasn't available for the wedding.</strong> She knows about a special party, but that's all it's mentioned as around her. So it was a shock to me the other night when we are eating dinner and out of nowhere she announces she wants a little sister. She also declared I needed to be her sister's mommy and her daddy should be the daddy. After I finished choking on my Captain, she said I had 2 years to make a decision. I guess it just has me thinking now, what are some of your favorite/least favorite things about being a parent? I don't know that I would be open to it, but it made me at least ponder it a little bit.
Posted by nurse.misty[/QUOTE]

My FSS is court ordered to be available for my wedding because we have similiar issues with the bio mom...

I have no parenting comments

katieisawesome

My least favorite part of being a parent is being tired all the time lol.  I have been tired almost every day for 7 years.  The other hard thing is this constant tiny bit of paralyzing fear in the back of my mind that something terrible could happen to my DD, but that's just part of loving someone.

Everything else about it, honestly, is pretty awesome.  Especially right now - elementary school age is a lot of fun.  I might consider having one or two more if I get remarried.

NcsuPsych

IMO, I'm not sure that hiding the wedding from your FIs Ex is the best route to take, but I do understand your reasonings behind it and wish the best of luck. We didn't tell my Bio mom because she's pretty crazy, so I get the whole, keeping it a secret from some individuals deal.

I also don't have much advice because I'm not a parent at the moment and DH aren't planning on trying for a couple of years, but I'm interested to see the responses. DH and I are considering looking into adopting my brothers little girl. It's an extremely F'd up situation. We're not exactly how to approach that one yet though. We're still praying and talking about it.

buddhagouda

Kids are exhausting and draining, and they make it impossible to get anything done without much advance planning. They somehow always know when you are having a bad day and choose that day to be teething/sick/grumpy. They are expensive and time consuming and not something to taken on lightly.

They are also wonderful, loving, entertaining and an endless source of all things great. Watching a baby discover and learn and be proud of himself is amazing. One little smile and kiss wipes away all of the other stuff. Watching this little person grow and develop a personality is the highlight of my life. They are 100% worth it but again not something to be taken on unless you are ready.

redheadfsu

I agree, hiding the wedding is a bad idea. Just tell her. You will only make it worse in the long-run by hiding it. Plus, as the mother of the child, you really need to treat her with respect. Not telling her at all is very disrespectful and puts the child is a horrible position. If it is an issue, then file a motion (or whatever is appropriate) or the very least schedule a session with a family law mediator.  

baystateapple

Buddha, your little boy gets cuter every time you pop in here.  I can't believe he's almost a year already.

[Deleted User]

While I am not a parent, just knowing what I know from working with kids and babysitting a lot in my teens and up until a few years ago, I think the parents today are worn out and stressed out all the time. Some kids are in way too many activities and they try to do too much with them. I think some good 'ole, quality family time needs to be allowed for in the schedule, and that just doesn't happen these days. I think that is why too many kids fall by the wayside and through the cracks. They still need attention and affection and someone to listen to them even as they grow up.

tayylor65

I'm not a parent yet but I have a lot of childcare experience, nannying 2 young boys for 2 years (1 with severe autism).  

I truly feel like you're either maternalistic or not.  If you've never wanted children of your own EVER and don't look forward to it, then maybe you shouldn't have children--but that's obviously your call.

I think the hardest part will just be having patience and never having "time off."  You can't yell at a child who does something wrong when they don't realize it--you have to explain it.  That can be hard if you lack patience on top of being stressed from work or whatever else.  

Of course there are so many other things that are challenging when you have children, but if you LIKE kids, the joys will outweigh these and you'll be able to manage the stresses in a healthy way for you and the child.

hlq2011

I'm not a parent, but I think Buddha's answer hits the nail on the head.

It's a huge responsibility, having kids, but when I look around at my friends who have them, and the way they interact with their kids, I think it'll be worth the sacrifices - when we're ready.

And I agree with PPs.  The ex needs to be told, and if you need to go to court to make sure the little one is there on your wedding day, then so be it.

buddhagouda

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a98de3d-d9dd-4bc4-a908-c12a7f63b2eaPost:1f34de36-6df2-4fac-9a5a-6bcf119b3b4d">Re: Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]Buddha, your little boy gets cuter every time you pop in here.  I can't believe he's almost a year already.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

Thanks. He's quite the little boy these days. Sometimes, I miss my baby.

Stackeye210

I think the worst part is the constant worry.  You question yourself at every new stage in their life b/c the decisions you make could help them or screw them up forever!  Discipline is a big one.  How much is too much and what do you let them figure out on their own?  And every kid is different and needs different things to thrive.  I think the thing I've learned the most is, it isn't what you say and do, it's about the consistancy at which you do it.  Keep a schedule for things like meal time/bed time. 

I think there is a HUGE difference between being someone elses step parent and/or watching a child compared to having your own and raising them from birth.

I was watching that show "Pregnant in Heels" and they brought up a really good point in one of the episodes.  The maternity concierge was telling the pregnant mom that all she kept hearing was what freedoms and things she would lose by becoming a parent and that she really needed to prepare for the baby by focusing on the great things you gain. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a98de3d-d9dd-4bc4-a908-c12a7f63b2eaPost:29c39c6b-c2ef-4e71-8b2f-83ba513fd459">Re: Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]Kids are exhausting and draining, and they make it impossible to get anything done without much advance planning. They somehow always know when you are having a bad day and choose that day to be teething/sick/grumpy. They are expensive and time consuming and not something to taken on lightly. They are also wonderful, loving, entertaining and an endless source of all things great. Watching a baby discover and learn and be proud of himself is amazing. One little smile and kiss wipes away all of the other stuff. Watching this little person grow and develop a personality is the highlight of my life. They are 100% worth it but again not something to be taken on unless you are ready.
Posted by buddhagouda[/QUOTE]


Oh my god! I can't believe Ethan is almost a year old!

ETA, I guess I'm not the only one!

nurse.misty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a98de3d-d9dd-4bc4-a908-c12a7f63b2eaPost:00e96549-e2fa-4321-b43b-9c1e9a67f433">Re: Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure if this varies by state, or if this is 100% accurate, but when my friend was going through a similar situation (getting married to a man who had a child with a previous wife), they had to tell the ex-wife about the marriage because of the child custody arrangement -- she had a right to know who her daughter was going to be living with during the dad's pre-arranged times. I totally get why you wouldn't want to bring her into the fold if she's vindictive, but you guys might want to check that out. I hope it works out easily for you guys! That said, I am no help with the parenting issue. BF and I don't want kids and are perfectly content parenting a cat and a hedgehog.
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

She knows we are getting married, she just doesn't know the exact date. She thinks it's still at the end of the year where it originally was, we just moved it up a few weeks ago to this month. We already live together, so she already knows where I live and that their daughter is here with both of us when we have her. Honestly I have no problem telling her when it is, and daring her to try to keep FI's daughter from the wedding, but he won't do it.

paprika28

Least favorite things? Temper tantrums, crying, whining, poop diapers, sleepless nights, poop diapers that end up on the floor when the baby is still in the crib, (and then having to clean it up) worrying about ear infections, sicknesses, etc. Paying for daycare, missing her all day while I'm at work. Missing out on just being able to run out on a whim, going on vacations without needing to find a babysitter or kid friendly hotel. Having cheerios & chicken nuggets all over my car. Needing at least one glass of wine/vodka at the end of the night to keep me from stressing over being a mom. That's pretty much in a nutshell.

Favorite things? All of the above. Plus, the random hugs. The artwork I have at my desk and all over the fridge from her daycare. The snuggles after the temper tantrums. The way that I'm the only one she wants when she wakes up in the middle of the night after a nightmare, and that a kiss from mommy makes all the booboo's all better. The 'I wud you mommy', 'dwive cawfuw' 'meees you' and 'nigh nigh, sweet dweams' I get from her. The fact that she's a polite little girl who remembers to say please, thank you, bless you, and you're welcome. (when she remembers)

Knowing that I made this little person and I'm responsible for her well being scares the hell out of me, don't get me wrong. But there's so many little, miniscule things that occur every day that just melt your heart and make it all worthwhile.


Also- we kept the wedding a secret from DD's dad until a few months ago. I finally broke down and told him, and let him know that she was going to be a flower girl. If he had a problem with it, he could contact the courts. He hasn't yet, and has already arranged to pick her up from the reception so she can still have a regular bedtime. 
ETA: Not wanting children doesn't make you selfish. It means that you're responsible enough to recognize that you wouldn't be ready to give up that time. I commend you for that, rather than forcing yourself into thinking that you were ready, or giving into other's demands, realizing it afterwards, and pawning the child off to family every chance you get.

buddhagouda

Another thing most people don't consider is the affect children can have on your relationship as a couple. When you're completely exhausted and mentally drained, it's easier to let small things your partner does irritate you.

Stackeye210

Very good point Buddha!  A child can cause all sorts of stress between parents.  You really have to work together or you start resenting the other person.  Communication is so key. 

nurse.misty

Thanks for all of the responses. I'll email a lawyer I work with and make sure we can't get into any legal trouble if FI really doesn't tell her until after we are married. I had never even considered that.

As far as children go, I know I won't change my mind on them overnight, was just looking for a little insight into parenthood. Thanks again!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a98de3d-d9dd-4bc4-a908-c12a7f63b2eaPost:31360511-5692-42fd-abf0-2bfd42cd40fc">Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]Call me selfish, but I've never wanted children of my own.
Posted by nurse.misty[/QUOTE]
Why would I call you selfish? That's ridiculous.

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a98de3d-d9dd-4bc4-a908-c12a7f63b2eaPost:1468913e-d9c2-4b9d-a483-93f35642df38">Re: Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Parenting : Why would I call you selfish? That's ridiculous.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

:)  I appreciate your no child stance more than you could probably ever realize. 

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a98de3d-d9dd-4bc4-a908-c12a7f63b2eaPost:4203e2a0-d2b7-4126-be9f-0dc3d68d3210">Re: Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Parenting : My FSS is court ordered to be available for my wedding because we have similiar issues with the bio mom... I have no parenting comments
Posted by SteveandKris[/QUOTE]

I wonder if my sister can do that for my nephew.  Her exH is an ass and he would try to hold my nephew's attending my wedding over her head to get things he wants.    I'm amazed she stayed married to him for 5 years without killing him and even more amazed that she handles dealing with him now...

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a98de3d-d9dd-4bc4-a908-c12a7f63b2eaPost:f27bf710-f4a1-471d-b236-1980c45cbe24">Re: Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parenting : :)  I appreciate your no child stance more than you could probably ever realize. 
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
I can't tell if this is a compliment or a jab.

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parenting-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6a98de3d-d9dd-4bc4-a908-c12a7f63b2eaPost:2cecb428-4a06-470f-9ee2-8c0a6759b90a">Re: Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parenting : I can't tell if this is a compliment or a jab.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]


It is 100% a compliment.  I just love your honesty on the subject. 

[Deleted User]

Ah, well thank you! That's especially nice coming from a parent.

Stackeye210

That's why I said you'd probably never realize it since I am a parent. 

SteveandKris

custody can be a nightmare, it protects both parties if you have something court ordered (even if its an agreement signed by a custody master and not something ordered by a judge)  FSS's bio mom threatened to refuse to let us take him on vacation and now that's court ordered as well... it sucks that such an awesome little boy is stuck in the middle, but the order protects everyone...

scottswife1106

As far as not telling the ex, I completely understand especially because you guys are so close to the date and there wouldn't be a lot of time to go through the courts. My ex has a wife who is a roaring BYTCH and will do ANYTHING she can to ruin things. ~Sorry for the rant~

As far as the parenting thing, I think the thing I envy the most about people who don't have kids is the freedom. I can't just grab something on the way home from work to eat or leave the house in 10 minutes to go hang out. It never happens that way. I think that is why I am so stuck on having "Me time" and time that I just hang out with H.

I am also constantly thinking about my kids and what they are going to eat, wear, do, etc. Sometimes it is so overwhelming that I wish I could just go away for a day and not have to think about them and their needs. I also think that the older they get, the easier my "need" concerns are but then the "worry" kicks in. My son is 15 and in high school. If he is late coming home from school, I worry. If he doesn't answer his cell phone, I worry. It just goes on and on.

On the other hand, I love being a mom and I would never replace them. They except me with ALL my faults and short comings and I could never be more blessed.

candychick

It's not selfish to not want kids...I never wanted kids, didn't think I had the maternal gene and really loved my life. But, accidents do happen and that is one accident I wouldn't trade for the world. Truth is I thought I was in love with my FI but it doesn't compare to the love I feel for my munchkin.

However, I do agree that people need to realize that there are places and things that are appropriate for children and things that are not. Not everyone thinks it's cute when your kid runs around the restaurant or runs up and down the aisle in a movie theatre. I love my son and can deal with his annoying tendancies, but not so much with other people's kids

AbbeyS2011

I absolutely LOVE being a parent and would not change a thing.  However, it is not for everyone and I have the utmost respect for those who choose for whatever reason NOT to have children.  I mean that sincerely.  

Ditto what you said candychick - some parents do not have freakin' clue about what places are kid appropriate and which are not.  I am a firm believer in discipline and I have a hard time when I see kids and parents in public and it is obvious who runs the show.