REHEARSAL DINNER TRADITIONS

Stef320

I am a very "do it myself since I know it will get done and I won't inconvenience anyone" type person. A friend volunteered to help me out with the wedding (practically begged) so I, knowing how well of a cook she is, asked if she'd be willing to do the cooking for the rehearsal dinner. She graciously accepted and we started some minor planning on it. 3 days later, she called me with some news. She was told that it is customary that either of the mother ofs plans the rehearsal dinner. So in fear of over stepping boundaries and to avoid stepping on toes/hurting feelings she's kind of backed out of it. She's a good friend and I want her to help. I've never heard this before. Is this customary??

Katelyn89

Traditionally the groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner, but they don't HAVE to. I would check with FIs family to see what there plans are, but if they haven't mentioned it then I would assume they don't want to host it. I would casually mention "My friend X has offered to host our rehearsal dinner" and let it go from there. They can tell you if they were planning on hosting or just say "Oh that's nice of her". There is no reason why they have to host it and she can host it if she wants, in my opinion.

DramaGeek

Traditionally the Groom's family hosts the RD.  If your bio is right, you're two months out, and if your FILs haven't offered by now I'd guess they're not going to, in which case it'd be up to you and your fi to host the RD if you're having one.

Katelyn89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-traditions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b904bb9-12ff-4af7-b6c1-a696c200b005Post:75849baa-5aef-42a2-a18c-08bc01962ff3">Re: REHEARSAL DINNER TRADITIONS</a>:
[QUOTE]Traditionally the Groom's family hosts the RD.  If your bio is right, you're two months out, and if your FILs haven't offered by now I'd guess they're not going to, in which case it'd be up to you and your fi to host the RD if you're having one.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

<div>Didn't realize it was so close, so I agree with this.</div>

tpender13

Maybe your friend decided she didn't want to do it but didn't know how to tell you, so she used tradition as an excuse.

willywally5

It is traditionally the custom for the groom's family to host/provide the RD. However, all of the 'who-pays-for-what' traditions have really gone by the wayside. (Couples are responsible for the RD, wedding, reception, dance; if parents/grandparents/whoever OFFER to help pay, that is cool)

So, like a PP suggested, maybe she just wants to back out? Maybe she really thought about it and went,'Holy crap, that's a lot of people/responsibility/liability.' and it scared the bajeebers out of her. 

I'd mention to FMIL that so-and-so offered asked about cooking, like katelyn said, and see what transpires. 

Sounds to me like you may well be hosting your own RD. And that would be fine and doesn't have to be anything spendy or fancy.

ElisabethJoanne

I agree with Katelyn. My parents' rehearsal dinner was a backyard barbeque. That kind of thing could be planned on less than 2 months' notice, depending on the people involved.

As for tpender13's concern, also a possibility. If she's a good friend, you say to her, "I've researched that tradition, too, and talked with the parents. It doesn't look like it's a tradition that will work for us. We're still hoping to have a rehearsal dinner, but nothing too elaborate." and see what she says. If she says, "Oh, great! Well, I'll send you some menu ideas tomorrow" so much the better. If she says, "Well, I hope you figure something out. Let me know how it goes," you know where you stand.

NOLAbridealmost

I agree that it seems like she was POSSIBLY looking for an out. 

I'd tread delicately like Elisabeth suggested. Say that it looks like y'all will be hosting it because the parents won't.  If she jumps all over the menu planning again, then you're good; if not....well, it looks like she's done. 

Also, even if someone begs to help out with the wedding, they might not realize they'll be asked to do something as daunting as cook for the whole RD.  And--strictly speaking--the RD is not the "wedding" so maybe she wasn't hoping to be involved in helping with that part of the festivities. 

brilibby4

It sounds like she wants out, imo.  Maybe she agreed to help before stopping to think about how much work it would actually be?  Are you sure she wanted a project so large when she "begged to help"?  Helping finalize DIY invitations or something is very different than cooking for the entire rehearsal dinner. 

jmayinc

I would speak with her about if it was too much for her etc. Not necessarily directly, but kinda talk to her about it. But as for tradition...many brides and grooms I know hosted their own RD.

Kristin789

In my area, the groom's parents are very serious about the RD.  It's the only thing they get to host in a weekend of wedding things, all hosted by the bride's parents.  So this is THEIR thing.

I know two women at work who each had a son who was getting married in the bride's hometown - one in Baltimore and one in Vermont.  So each woman took her husband up to the wedding location for a full 3-day weekend of tasting appointments at the RD possible locations, then they picked one and spent a chunk of time working on the contract there - setting napkin colors and background music playing on the sound system and what kind of potato, etc.  Then there was another flurry of activity around choosing what kind of RD invitations, etc.  It was a HUGE deal for both women.

I have another good friend who was marrying a local guy, and so the bride sent the groom's mother three suggestions for RD invitation designs.  The groom's mother sent back a frosty note about how she's hosted many dinner parties, and she will not have any problems with her family's hosting of this RD.  You just don't want that to happen to you.

kmmssg

I'm thinking she wants out of the RD too.  When she volunteered/begged to help the RD may be far more than what she was thinking of.  If I volunteered to help someone with their wedding (which I have done countless times) I'm certainly not hoping to do all the cooking and host the RD.  I"m thinking more of helping with invitations, decorations, etc.  I'm a pretty accomplished cook myself and I wouldn't be looking to host someone's RD when I volunteered to help.  Maybe she felt she couldn't say no at the time you asked her to do your RD?  That really is kind of a tall order there.