Determining SOs

[Deleted User]

So the "Plus 1's" post below got me thinking.

I know everyone dating someone gets invited. Period. And we budgeted for EVERY single person right down to his great aunt to possibly have a guest.

But how do we ask?

I've tried to explain it to a few aunts, like, "Well, if Cousin G is dating someone at the time, she will be invited, but for now, we're just putting him on the STD," sort of a head's up that he's getting a STD but should he be dating someone, they are welcome. The aunts have said "Oh, he'll find someone to bring, don't worry."

Do you see what I mean? T me, it's different when you say "Are you dating anyone?" and "Is there anyone you'd like to bring?" I guess if they answer yes either way I should let them. But. Not everyone will get a random plus one. So, those who "get it" and are truly single will come alone. Those who didn't understand, might bring a friend. Or something.

So this was long, but I understand the concept, I just don't understand how to make it work in real life. How did you guys do it? I'm afraid if I stop someone when they say "Oh, I'll find someone," they will think I'm rude for not letting them, when someone ELSE gets to bring their girlfriend (they might not understand the difference and feel slighted).

[Deleted User]

For what it's worth, I've always taken a random date to weddings. Around here, that's sort of how it goes, and I'm not sure I ever even told them the person's name or that he was coming. We just got there and it was "Domino & Guest." I never knew the difference between SO and Plus One until I read The Knot, so I'm guessing most of my guests won't get it either, since I come from a town of ADULT RECEPTION ONLY or CASH GIFTS ONLY on the invite, second weddings 1.5 years after a wedding I wasn't invited to, and registry information inside the wedding invite. 

So. I'm already gonna have a lot of phone calls to make telling people their kids can't come (and probably have seating issues for those who bring them without asking). I don't know how to answer this one, too.

lyndausvi

We just gave everyone a plus one.  I didn't care about random dates.  I just wanted my guests to have a good time.  

 Between the moms, aunt know-it-all and ourselves, we knew the names of the dates if they had one.  If they didn't have an SO we put "and guest".    I called up the those people before the wedding to ask if they knew who they were bringing.   2 (funny enough DH's siblings) didn't know, so we just put "and guest" on the table card. Sometimes you can only do so much.

This is how I feel about "Adult receptions only" on an invite.  In my circle we all know that only the people on the invite are invited to the wedding.  Adult only is not needed and would be seen as offensive.     However,  I also feel common sense needs to be used.  If you know your social group is unable to read an envelope correctly and needs that little note on the bottom, then I don't have a problem with it.   To me it's the lesser of 2 evils.

Any mention of a gift or cash in an invite would not fly with me.

maggieandrey

In the budgeting process, I planned on every "single" person having a significant other and bringing them to our wedding. I know that's definitely not going to be the case. To further complicate it, I assembled and addressed my invites a couple months ago (so I could move onto other DIY projects.) So I have at least two people who I'll call or e-mail to say, "Hey, I addressed your invite before you started dating so and so, but I would love if s/he could come with you!"

I understand your frustration though - both my fiance and I have DOZENS of cousins who it seems impossible to keep track of in general, much less their SO's!

[Deleted User]

Thanks guys. I'm definitely using FB or whatever, but there are going to be people there we don't even know. Like, friends of our parents, long-lost cousins, his dad's girlfriend's kids we've never met. So, I"m trying to figure out those conversations. I think like Stage mentioned, I'm going to table it for now, but when it comes time, I will have to have those conversations. And I'm a little weird about it.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_determining-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bab1a3d-8ba1-42fe-a87c-e0717ad41ffaPost:2ed0e722-74e6-4456-9709-b78143840b80">Re: Determining SOs</a>:
[QUOTE]We just gave everyone a plus one.  I didn't care about random dates.  I just wanted my guests to have a good time.    Between the moms, aunt know-it-all and ourselves, we knew the names of the dates if they had one.  If they didn't have an SO we put "and guest".    I called up the those people before the wedding to ask if they knew who they were bringing.   2 (funny enough DH's siblings) didn't know, so we just put "and guest" on the table card. Sometimes you can only do so much. <strong>This is how I feel about "Adult receptions only" on an invite.  In my circle we all know that only the people on the invite are invited to the wedding.  Adult only is not needed and would be seen as offensive.     However,  I also feel common sense needs to be used.  If you know your social group is unable to read an envelope correctly and needs that little note on the bottom, then I don't have a problem with it.   To me it's the lesser of 2 evils.</strong> Any mention of a gift or cash in an invite would not fly with me.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm REALLY struggling with this. I DO NOT want it on my invitation. It's like a lot of things I never knew were wrong before reading these boards--now it bothers me. But I was wondering if I could compromise, since my mom badly wants it on there, and put it on the website. I don't know. I hate it.

</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_determining-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bab1a3d-8ba1-42fe-a87c-e0717ad41ffaPost:cdce07a1-58b6-4941-b53d-2f1bd4de0cdd">Re: Determining SOs</a>:
[QUOTE]Adult Reception always makes it sound like a fetish party to me.  Aside from being rude, it also sounds tacky.  Unless of course it IS a fetish party, in which case go for it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Me too. I hate it. But in my circle, people just bring whoever they want to weddings. It boggles my mind. Did they not plan a wedding? Do they not understand headcounts and needing chairs for people? The last wedding I was invited to, there was no RSVP. How does that work?</div><div>
</div><div>For right now, I'm planning on NOT having ADULT RECEPTION anywhere. But the more I talk to people, the more I'm afraid they will just come with the kids and then what? I can't turn them away at the door, but they won't have anywhere to sit or any food to eat.</div><div>
</div>

Love11506

We decided that if you are in a relationship and over 21 you get a plus one if not you don't really need one.  And all aunts and uncles who are older get a plus one if single.

The people under 21 are our cousins and will be with the other cousins so they will have fun no matter what!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_determining-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bab1a3d-8ba1-42fe-a87c-e0717ad41ffaPost:3891c19d-87c9-4058-bab3-3149f78d761b">Re: Determining SOs</a>:
[QUOTE]We decided that if you are in a relationship and over 21 you get a plus one if not you don't really need one.  And all aunts and uncles who are older get a plus one if single. The people under 21 are our cousins and will be with the other cousins so they will have fun no matter what!
Posted by Love11506[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That's fine, and what we're doing, but how are you telling them? Like, I don't know Cousin X. Never met him. FI doesn't know him either. We can try to find out if he's dating someone, but it could very well be wrong.  </div><div>
</div><div>My point is, how are you finding out? I mean, if someone called me and said "Are you dating anyone," I would say no. But if they said "Do you want to bring someone to the wedding?" I would say yes. There's a difference, and I don't know how to do this. Even if we ask "Are you dating someone," people will and have answered "no, but I'll find a date." Then what do I say? It seems rude to say "no, please don't. Only people dating someone get to bring someone." </div><div>
</div><div>I know it's ok to do ettiquette-wise, but it seems very touchy.

</div>

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_determining-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bab1a3d-8ba1-42fe-a87c-e0717ad41ffaPost:3891c19d-87c9-4058-bab3-3149f78d761b">Re: Determining SOs</a>:
[QUOTE]We decided that if you are in a relationship and over 21 you get a plus one if not you don't really need one.  And all aunts and uncles who are older get a plus one if single. The people under 21 are our cousins and will be with the other cousins so they will have fun no matter what!
Posted by Love11506[/QUOTE]

So if someone is under 21 their relationship doesn't count?

wrigleyville

OP:

You: "Hi, we're addressing our invitations, and we're wondering if you'll be bringing anyone to the wedding."

Them: "Yes, my boyfriend Tom will be coming with me."

You: "Great! Could I have Tom's last name, please?"

-or-

Them: "I'm not sure if I'm bringing anyone yet."

You: "That's fine. We'll just address it to you and "guest", and you can let us know who you're bringing when you RSVP."

-or-

Them: "I'm not sure if I can make it."

You: "Okay. I hope you can make it, but I understand if you can't. Is there anyone you'd like me to include on the invitation?"

Them: "No." (write it to them "and guest") or "Yes, my boyfriend Tom." (see first response)

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_determining-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bab1a3d-8ba1-42fe-a87c-e0717ad41ffaPost:f29be3eb-90e2-4bcd-9cb0-197f513c0aea">Re: Determining SOs</a>:
[QUOTE]OP: You: "Hi, we're addressing our invitations, and we're wondering if you'll be bringing anyone to the wedding." Them: "Yes, my boyfriend Tom will be coming with me." You: "Great! Could I have Tom's last name, please?" -or- Them: "I'm not sure if I'm bringing anyone yet." You: "That's fine. We'll just address it to you and "guest", and you can let us know who you're bringing when you RSVP." -or- Them: "I'm not sure if I can make it." You: "Okay. I hope you can make it, but I understand if you can't. Is there anyone you'd like me to include on the invitation?" Them: "No." (write it to them "and guest") or "Yes, my boyfriend Tom." (see first response)
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This all makes sense, but not if I DON'T want to give them a random plus one. I guess I just have to. Because in your second scenario, if they say "I don't know who I'm bringing," I would say "Well, if you aren't dating anyone, we aren't giving plus ones." And that sounds rude. That's the whole problem.

</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_determining-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bab1a3d-8ba1-42fe-a87c-e0717ad41ffaPost:e28e5b25-e36f-4f5d-af51-d3369ec29d16">Re: Determining SOs</a>:
[QUOTE]Someone must have suggested these people go on the list.  If it your mom, or her sister, ask her, say of course we are putting Cousin Annie on the list, does Cousin Annie have a fiance or SO? 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Quite frankly, those people who suggested them don't know them either. We had to google them to try to find an address. But they "must" be invited because they are "family." If I had my way, no strangers would be invited, but I don't get my way because my mom is paying for a lot, as is FI's mom. So, I stopped fighting the "I don't want a 300-person" wedding fight a long time ago.

</div>

getaclue44

We gave all our singles a plus one. They have all opted out of bringing someone. My suggestion is that for those people you don't know is have whoever placed them on the invite list ask them. I would assume if they are getting an invite someone knows them pretty well. There is only so much you can do. Worse case invite them alone and then see if they RSVP with a SO or call and ask.

arendiva

I would just call people and ask if they are in a relationship. If they say yes then ask for the persons name. By doing this you avoid missing SO while still avoid giving out random plus ones. I think you are overstressing it's not ackward.

Shia

My fiance and I have had this "Plus 1" issue too. We have both agreed that we do not want random people we do not know to attend our wedding. It is strange. Maybe we are wrong, but this is how we feel. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_determining-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bab1a3d-8ba1-42fe-a87c-e0717ad41ffaPost:ca910f37-6023-4f91-8e24-3145afe798cb">Re: Determining SOs</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just call people and ask if they are in a relationship. If they say yes then ask for the persons name. By doing this you avoid missing SO while still avoid giving out random plus ones. I think you are overstressing it's not ackward.
Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Well, I felt it was awkward when it already happened. I asked an aunt if her kid was dating anyone and she said no, but he will find someone to bring. Those are the answers I'm getting here.

</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_determining-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bab1a3d-8ba1-42fe-a87c-e0717ad41ffaPost:5c4cc10a-1fa9-40e1-a06c-d06bbec1d807">Re:Determining SOs</a>:
[QUOTE]Just call, let them know you're getting thibgs together to send out wedding invitations, and ask if they're dating anyone. If they say yes, ask for that person's name and spelling. If they say no, just say "okay, we just want to make sure we don't accidentally snub anyone's boyfriend or girlfriend." You are seriously over complicating this. It's not that big of a deal.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>For most people, yeah, it's not a big deal. I just don't know what to say to the aunt who said "no he's not dating anyone, but don't worry he'll find someone to bring." I haven't answered her yet.

</div>

arendiva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_determining-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bab1a3d-8ba1-42fe-a87c-e0717ad41ffaPost:a9fa85d1-a162-4f8b-9d04-433194e6e9b0">Re:Determining SOs</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Determining SOs : For most people, yeah, it's not a big deal. I just don't know what to say to the aunt who said "no he's not dating anyone, but don't worry he'll find someone to bring." I haven't answered her yet.
Posted by Domino04[/QUOTE]

I think the problem with that is that you were asking his mom and not him. She said "he'll find someone" because she doesn't want to make it so he can't have a date. Also it's possible he could be dating someone and not have told his mom yet. I was with my now FI for 3 months before his parents knew he was dating me. I also would emphasize using the phrase "Are you in a relationship." rather than "Are you dating anyone". A relationship is an SO dating could just be casual. I mean someone could be dating 5 people.

emeejeeayen

I have no advice, but I just wanted to say that I find these sorts of things to be slightly overwhelming as well. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_determining-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bab1a3d-8ba1-42fe-a87c-e0717ad41ffaPost:8fd1cb2f-d5cd-41b7-918d-94e0db0a81be">Re:Determining SOs</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Determining SOs : I think the problem with that is that you were asking his mom and not him. She said "he'll find someone" because she doesn't want to make it so he can't have a date. Also it's possible he could be dating someone and not have told his mom yet. I was with my now FI for 3 months before his parents knew he was dating me. I also would emphasize using the phrase "Are you in a relationship." rather than "Are you dating anyone". A relationship is an SO dating could just be casual. I mean someone could be dating 5 people.
Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That's valid, and I will definitely go that route (emphasising relationship). I need to stop explaining myself and just DO it.

</div>

wrigleyville

Whoops. I missed that you weren't inviting +1s.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_determining-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bab1a3d-8ba1-42fe-a87c-e0717ad41ffaPost:416515e2-6db9-4f86-b474-373e76670a28">Re: Determining SOs</a>:
[QUOTE]Whoops. I missed that you weren't inviting +1s.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Well, I feel like we almost have to, to be honest.

</div>

Shermany

Technically, "plus ones" should only be for people who are engaged or living together.  Not dating, or in a 1+ year relationship, etc.  Just engaged or living together.  If you go by the rule then it should be easier to determine who should/shouldn't get a plus one.  I assume you're more likely to know, or it would be easier to find out, if these people fall into one of those categories or not.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:Determining SOs:[QUOTE]Technically, quot;plus onesquot; should only be for people who are engaged or living together. nbsp;Not dating, or in a 1 year relationship, etc. nbsp;Just engaged or living together. nbsp;If you go by the rule then it should be easier to determine who should/shouldn't get a plus one. nbsp;I assume you're more likely to know, or it would be easier to find out, if these people fall into one of those categories or not. Posted by Shermany[/QUOTE]

NYU, is that you? Yeah, you're wrong. Wrong. Wrong. A 1 is NOT the same as inviting someone's SO. A 1 is an "and guest" invitation for anyone who is truly single.

Shermany

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_determining-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6bab1a3d-8ba1-42fe-a87c-e0717ad41ffaPost:fa67923a-c1ac-4a8e-806c-04fd251ca7a6">Re:Determining SOs</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Determining SOs: NYU, is that you? Yeah, you're wrong. Wrong. Wrong. A 1 is NOT the same as inviting someone's SO. A 1 is an "and guest" invitation for anyone who is truly single.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

<div>You're missing the point.  If Domino is concerned about having random people come along as guests, or too many people, or whatever, she can limit the guests who get a plus one to those who have a live-in or FI, and it's totally etiquette-approved.</div>

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:Determining SOs:[QUOTE]You're missing the point. nbsp;If Domino is concerned about having random people come along as guests, or too many people, or whatever, she can limit the guests who get a plus one to those who have a livein or FI, and it's totally etiquetteapproved. Posted by Shermany[/QUOTE]

YOU are missing the point that a girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, etc. regardless of length of relationship or living situation is a significant other or spouse NOT a plus one. Plus ones do not need to be given to truly single guests. But a wedding, which is a celebration of love and unity, is not the place to be judging the validity and seriousness of your friends' and families' relationships.