What to say? Step mther inlaw wants to wear white!!!

fjorge

 Ok so I know this shouldn't even have to be said but what can I do. My Soon to be Stepmother In-law wants to wear a white paint suit to our wedding. The Grooms brother called to tell me so I wasn’t surprised the day of.  I can't believe anyone would even think to break the biggest wedding rule. What on earth do I say?

jnic0319

I would have FI talk to his father and explain that it may make FSMIL look bad.  Maybe she's an idiot and doesn't know.  If she still wants to wear it, well then she looks like an ass...no one is going to mistake her for you.

temerityjane

If it truly bothers you, and you have a close enough relationship with her, you should call her and explain that it bothers you. If you're not that close, maybe your fiance can do it.

If she does go ahead and wear white, you should understand that people are going to be looking at her and thinking her quite rude, not thinking anything bad about you.

I would hope that if you or your fiance approach it carefully, she will change what she's planning to wear. If she doesn't, I totally understand your feelings being a little hurt, but try to put it out of your mind as best as you can.

PS - Anyone who says "no one is going to confuse her with the bride" is completely missing the point.

jnic0319

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-step-mther-inlaw-wants-wear-white?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c135e76-a52d-43ca-8c2c-a5fad2789f1ePost:97a3fa59-5252-4c75-bcf1-9c8171b5980d">Re: What to say? Step mther inlaw wants to wear white!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]If it truly bothers you, and you have a close enough relationship with her, you should call her and explain that it bothers you. If you're not that close, maybe your fiance can do it. If she does go ahead and wear white, you should understand that people are going to be looking at her and thinking her quite rude, not thinking anything bad about you. I would hope that if you or your fiance approach it carefully, she will change what she's planning to wear. If she doesn't, I totally understand your feelings being a little hurt, but try to put it out of your mind as best as you can. <strong>PS - Anyone who says "no one is going to confuse her with the bride" is completely missing the point.</strong>
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]


No I get that's not the point, but I think that's how a lot of brides feel that the attention won't be on them.  That's completely false.  Yes it's hurtful but if the FSMIL refuses to change then what can you do?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Maybe you or FI could ask her what she plans to wear to the wedding (I take it she didn't tell FI directly, just his brother). If she says, "Why, a white pants suit, of course," you can tactfully find a way to tell her, "we'd prefer you didn't." Perhaps offer to take her shopping. Or suggest that she looks REALLY good in green.

FI's dad mentioned he was considering NOT wearing a tie or jacket to our evening wedding. Fi said something like, "We'd really prefer you did. You don't have to wear a suit, but I think just some dress pants and a jacket would be appropriate for the wedding."

Celles

Red paintballs, imo.

... Or what TJ said.  That works too. 

baystateapple

I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's not doing it to slight you -- according to TK's message boards, this problem happens a LOT, where the moms/stepmoms/grandmothers/FMILs think that white, ivory, ecru, champagne, etc. are OK colors to wear to the wedding.

Have FI gently talk to her, and if she still doesn't want to change...put it out of your head.  I was in a wedding once where the bride through an absolutel shitfit because her grandmother showed up in an ecru dress.  At that point, it's much too late to do anything about it.  It wasn't as if Grandma could go home and change, and all her fit succeeded in doing was upsetting her grandmother and her mom, making the bridesmaids feel really awkward, and getting the bride so upset that she needed her makeup refreshed.  Completely unnecessary.

temerityjane

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-step-mther-inlaw-wants-wear-white?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c135e76-a52d-43ca-8c2c-a5fad2789f1ePost:a6f76f57-440a-4b2a-8f29-dcc6da39a92f">Re: What to say? Step mther inlaw wants to wear white!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to say? Step mther inlaw wants to wear white!!! : No I get that's not the point, but I think that's how a lot of brides feel that the attention won't be on them.  That's completely false.  Yes it's hurtful but if the FSMIL refuses to change then what can you do?
Posted by jnic0319[/QUOTE]

The thing is, I DON'T think that's how a lot of brides feel. I think saying "no one will confuse her for you" is a condescending and belittling thing to say. It makes the bride sound shallow and like an attention whore, when she's likely just hurt by the idea that someone would wear white to her wedding.

If someone wore white to my wedding, I wouldn't think they were trying to confuse people and make them think they were the bride - come on. I would, however, be very hurt and very embarrassed. Hurt that one of my invited guests would do such a thing (except in the case of an EXTREMELY clueless person, everyone knows that this is not done, that it considered upstaging the bride, which is hurtful) and embarrassed in front of my other guests, that they would see one of my friends or family treating me so poorly.

I totally agree with the rest of your comment to the OP, just not that last line.

Beachy730

If she asks your opinion on it, or for FI's opinion on it, then I think you can give input and tell her how you feel.  If she ends up wearing it though, its not the end of the world, you probably won't notiice it for more than a minute, and she is the one who will look like an a$$, not you. 

My MIL wore white to my wedding, but it was a white shirt and black skirt.  I vented a bit to my BMs when i found out, but got over it.  Haha they definitely made me laugh when they said people are going to confuse her with the waiters!  And trust me, I am not the bride to think people will take attention away from me by wearing white.  H is in the Navy and we invited the fellow Navy guys to wear their dress whites to the wedding.  They did and it looked great and I loved that they wore them.  I was more peeved because I thought she did it on purpose, then I just realized she really is classless and clueless and has no idea what is right and considered proper etiquette.

angie74

I don't get what the big deal is. I would've been shocked if someone wore white to my wedding, but only since it was in February and that's just a different brand of tacky.

nobody cares. you won't notice or remember what anyone's wearing. I would save my concerns for something that really makes a difference in the long run. let it go, enjoy the wedding

kayakrunhike

My mom wore an off white dress to our wedding.  I was pretty annoyed, but it really wasn't worth it to be upset about it for more than five minutes.  She knew the etiquette about wearing white, we had a conversation about it previously, related to another wedding.   But, I'm pretty sure it was a passive aggressive spit in my face more than anything else, because of other things I refused to let her take charge of related to the wedding.

Anyway, it didn't ruin our wedding, and it didn't ruin the pictures.  It wasn't worth the drama it would cause for me to put my foot down.  If people talk about your stepMIL's outfit, it will reflect poorly on her, not you.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-step-mther-inlaw-wants-wear-white?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c135e76-a52d-43ca-8c2c-a5fad2789f1ePost:97a3fa59-5252-4c75-bcf1-9c8171b5980d">Re: What to say? Step mther inlaw wants to wear white!!!</a>:
[QUOTE] PS - Anyone who says "no one is going to confuse her with the bride" is completely missing the point.
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]

Agreed. I hate that line.

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-step-mther-inlaw-wants-wear-white?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c135e76-a52d-43ca-8c2c-a5fad2789f1ePost:93387fc5-e450-4f08-b8f9-f92f5f18f733">Re: What to say? Step mther inlaw wants to wear white!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]If she asks your opinion on it, or for FI's opinion on it, then I think you can give input and tell her how you feel.  If she ends up wearing it though, its not the end of the world, you probably won't notiice it for more than a minute, and she is the one who will look like an a$$, not you.  <strong>My MIL wore white to my wedding, but it was a white shirt and black skirt.  I vented a bit to my BMs when i found out, but got over it.  </strong>Haha they definitely made me laugh when they said people are going to confuse her with the waiters!  And trust me, I am not the bride to think people will take attention away from me by wearing white.  H is in the Navy and we invited the fellow Navy guys to wear their dress whites to the wedding.  They did and it looked great and I loved that they wore them.  <strong>I was more peeved because I thought she did it on purpose, then I just realized she really is classless and clueless and has no idea what is right and considered proper etiquette.
</strong>Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

You kind of sound like a douche here.  No white doesn't mean you can't wear a single scrap of white clothing at all, evar.  A white skirt with a colored top, or a white shirt with a colored bottom, or even a white dress with a colored pattern on it is not breaking the "no white at weddings" rule.  Your MIL wearing a white top and black skirt to your wedding does not mean she's classless and clueless, and the fact that you think it does makes me give you one hell of a side-eye.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-step-mther-inlaw-wants-wear-white?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c135e76-a52d-43ca-8c2c-a5fad2789f1ePost:c556436f-5fb5-429d-b97f-79d4081b0b77">Re: What to say? Step mther inlaw wants to wear white!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to say? Step mther inlaw wants to wear white!!! : You kind of sound like a douche here.  No white doesn't mean you can't wear a single scrap of white clothing at all, evar.  A white skirt with a colored top, or a white shirt with a colored bottom, or even a white dress with a colored pattern on it is not breaking the "no white at weddings" rule.  Your MIL wearing a white top and black skirt to your wedding does not mean she's classless and clueless, and the fact that you think it does makes me give you one hell of a side-eye.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

I know, I feel like a douche for saying it bothered me, but honestly it was in the past and I can't change or control what I got bothered by in the past.  When I did vent to my BMs, I hadn't seen her outfit yet, or really know much about it, all I knew was when FI told me that my mom bought her wedding outfit, and forwarded me a pic of a white top.  I couldn't tell in the pic if it was a dress or shirt or what, I only saw the top half of the shirt.  And the comment about her being classless and clueless wasn't only about the white rule, it has to do with a whole lot of crap she did and said about our wedding and at different wedding events.  So yeah I can understand why I sound so petty saying it about the clothes, but its really because of the whole wedding in general.  Way too much to post about.

Annekite

Communicating your feelings is definitely the best option here, but maybe through your FI so you don't come across as a bridezilla (not that you are for this.  far from it).  I'm going to have a SMIL as well, so I know how important it is to tread carefully.

And as to the confuse the bride thing, sometimes guests ARE trying to be the bride when they wear white.  My mom showed me her wedding pictures, and in it, my aunt, my dad's brother's wife, wore a white dress that was basically an exact copy of my mother's wedding dress, just with more cleavage.  Now THAT is something to be upset about.  A white suit can be compromised with talking, though.

dirtymartini

not a big deal. get over it.

JennaV26

One of the girlfriends of a GM in my wedding wore a solid white, strapless dress to my wedding but I was so busy having fun and mingling with the guests i didn't even notice! Until, that is, one of my friends asked "Who's the girl that thought it was okay to wear that?" Turns out people had been wondering who the idiot was and I didn't even notice! 

Trust me, unless she's doing it just to spite you I guarantee you'll have so much on your mind the day of you won't even care!

GreenDinos

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-step-mther-inlaw-wants-wear-white?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c135e76-a52d-43ca-8c2c-a5fad2789f1ePost:92e3de50-7a13-4170-884d-4183de00217f">Re: What to say? Step mther inlaw wants to wear white!!!</a>:
[QUOTE] And the comment about her being classless and clueless wasn't only about the white rule, it has to do with a whole lot of crap she did and said about our wedding and at different wedding events.  So yeah I can understand why I sound so petty saying it about the clothes, but its really because of the whole wedding in general.  Way too much to post about.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
Well if she's doing it on purpose to be rude it's classless and if she doesn't know not to she's clueless and there's no better way for her to broadcast it to everyone than for her to show up in white. If I were you I wouldn't spend another second worrying about what your guests will be wearing. Stay polite and enjoy your wedding even if she shows up in a thong and pasties.

catemeg

I can understand why it would bother you, but try and remember it's really  not a big deal.  As one girl pointed out in a different post, something about the "One Day Rule" - if it won't make a difference to your life one day later, it's probably not worth worrying about.

That said, you and FI are totally within your rights to talk to her (if you're close enough) or have her husband talk to her and say it's not traditionally done to wear all white, and perhaps it would be better for her to wear something else.  If you don't feel comfortable talking to her about it, then perhaps buy her a pasmina in the color of your bridesmaids' dresses and tell her you wanted her to feel involved.  Hopefully she'll keep it on all night, and thus break up some of that "all white".

VMHR2011

Maybe she thinks it's expected?  My future MIL talked to me about her dress, and she was planning to buy beige because, according to some traditions, beige is the traditional color for the mother of the groom.  I didn't want to say 'no', because I didn't feel that was my place.  I want her to be comfortable with what she's wearing.  So instead I told her my mom and I weren't big on tradition and I knew my mom would wear something colorful - hoping she'd follow along.  So that may be something to try?  Luck!

kasistrain

There is only so much you can do as far as trying to get the word to her through the grapevine, so you just need to try not to worry about it or let it get to you too much. 

She is going to do whatever she wants to do apparently, so just take it with a grain of salt.  Everyone else will form their own opinion (which more than likely won't be good ones), and you will look like a chill, laid-back bride that doesn't let everything get to her. 

You'll come out on top either way, even if you do want to shake her   Good luck!

A Dancer

It's really not that big of a deal...this "rule" is definitely dying out and extremely old-fashioned.

kathrynhabibti

<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-step-mther-inlaw-wants-wear-white?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c135e76-a52d-43ca-8c2c-a5fad2789f1ePost:e576c25e-1e3f-4ad9-8a0a-5939b397690c"></a>[QUOTE]It's really not that big of a deal...this "rule" is definitely dying out and extremely old-fashioned.
Posted by A Dancer[/QUOTE]

You've got to be kidding.

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-step-mther-inlaw-wants-wear-white?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c135e76-a52d-43ca-8c2c-a5fad2789f1ePost:83adc977-8bd2-4c03-90ee-2cbc5ab09252">What to say? Step mther inlaw wants to wear white!!!</a>:
[QUOTE] Ok so I know this shouldn't even have to be said but what can I do. My Soon to be Stepmother In-law wants to wear a white paint suit to our wedding. The Grooms brother called to tell me so I wasn’t surprised the day of.  I can't believe anyone would even think to break the biggest wedding rule. What on earth do I say?
Posted by fjorge[/QUOTE]

I didn't read all the posts, but I would confirm that its truly white before you freak out about it, "white" to my FI encompasses about 20 different shades, including beige which is the appropriate color for a MOG to wear :D

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-step-mther-inlaw-wants-wear-white?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c135e76-a52d-43ca-8c2c-a5fad2789f1ePost:52f2de1d-b3ae-4ea8-87d0-95278567b2a9">Re: What to say? Step mther inlaw wants to wear white!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to say? Step mther inlaw wants to wear white!!! : Well if she's doing it on purpose to be rude it's classless and if she doesn't know not to she's clueless and there's no better way for her to broadcast it to everyone than for her to show up in white. If I were you I wouldn't spend another second worrying about what your guests will be wearing. Stay polite and enjoy your wedding even if she shows up in a thong and pasties.
Posted by GreenDinos[/QUOTE]

Thanks.  My wedding is actually over and done with (I've tried deleting my ticker about 20 times, and changing it about 10 more times and it just won't get off my profile).  My MIL wore the white top black skirt outfit, and no, it wasn't a full white dress, and no it didn't matter either way.  I'll be the first one to admit that I had no clue what anyone else wore to my wedding except for what I've seen in pictures, and for all I know someone could have been there in a white gown.  It was the last thing on my mind at my wedding, and I know that if there were people there thinking negative thoughts about MIL wearing white, they were thinking them about her, and it didn't make a difference to me our H or our day.

As to the PP who said this rule is dying out... I think it's dying out only due to lack of etiquette of people.  Regardless of if you hear that this wedding trend is dying out, anyone who has ever heard that it is rude to wear white to a wedding should know better.  No, I don't think it will take away from the couple.  And no, nobody will confuse them with the bride.  I think it should just be done out of respect for the bride and the couple.  I don't care who's wedding I'm attending, and what color the bride is wearing; to me white is reserved for the bride and groom (which my 5 y/o cousin can tell you white is what the brides wear), and to purposely wear white to someone's wedding is just rude IMO.  I don't care if white is the color that looks best with your hair, skin, makeup, etc., its not your wedding day, pick another color.

marissa_claire

I think this is only ridiculous when the intent is to upstage the bride.  I actually helped my mother pick out her dress and it's a champagne, sort of silvery color that I would never call white but it sounds like some people on here would. 

In any cases like these, it's just always best to talk these things out.  I think you will probably know her well enough to know her intentions because the type of people who would do it to upstage you usually won't surprise you in doing so. 

May292011

I think you should just tell her flat out that this is inappropriate. The fact that it is coming down the pike from other family members indicates that she already knows or has at least been told that this is definitely a faux pas.  I think you need to be upfront and direct (not rude) so that there is no confusion or wiggle room for her to misunderstand you.  Try something like, "Hey MIL- i get the acronymns wrong all the time- um, my fiance tells me that you are wearing a white outfit to the wedding.  I would prefer you didn't as it is kinda a rule that no one but the bride should wear white, ivory, ecru, champagne, etc... Thanks for understanding and respecting our wishes.  If she protests, tell her that by her protesting it makes you feel like since she already knows that this is a rule and just doesn't want to follow it, it makes you feel disrespected, then have your FI speak to her....firmly.
See the point is it doesn't matter that no one will mistake her for you, it's just that its plain rude. period.  It is not dying out, if more people are doing it now, that just means there are more rude people. 
After you and your FI-if it goes that far, talks to her then let it go and enjoy your day!

a_spinhirne

To me this is so not a big deal. (And I even tend to be kind of a diva according to my friends lol)  I have to say I'm totally shocked that so many people would be so completely upset by something so trivial.  Can someone please explain to me what exactly is so rude about a guest wearing white?  Because unless she's wearing a huge white wedding dress, I just don't understand...

alaea

I never really thought about it being a big deal, but if it's truly bothersome to you, just say so.  If they're insistant, well, what can you really do? You can go bride-zilla on them, but would it really fix anything? Likely not, and it could cause a huge rift with you and your future in-laws...
I'd have to say if they're going to be insistant, just ignore them and let them face the scrutiny of others.

I have to say tho, the most scrutiny I ever heard at a wedding had nothing to do with someone wearing white, it was someone wearing a very sequined mini dress to a informal wedding... but hey, I guess some folks just really love dressing up ^~

Meg1979

I know that I would in general say that it's not a big deal if she wears white, but I think I would be a little offended.  In my family, wearing white at a wedding is more a slap in the face.  It's more, "I don't approve of this, I'm wearing white."  Is that stupid?  Probably, but for us it's a big deal.

If you are really that uncomfortable with it, then I would speak to her about it.  If she insists then she's really the only one that looks silly. 

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]To me this is so not a big deal. (And I even tend to be kind of a diva according to my friends lol)  I have to say I'm totally shocked that so many people would be so completely upset by something so trivial.  <strong>Can someone please explain to me what exactly is so rude about a guest wearing white? </strong> Because unless she's wearing a huge white wedding dress, I just don't understand...
Posted by a_spinhirne@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

You really can't figure that out?