Dreading talking to my dad... any advice?

TheShadyYvonne

Bleh... I have to go meet my dad today after work.  He called to ask to meet and bring him the guest list, and any other wedding information - just so he knows what's going on.  He freaked out about the guest list just before fathers day - and boycotted the bbq we had planned for him because we told him he couldn't invite any extra guests since our budjet couldn't accomodate more. we are paying for 100% of the wedding costs ourselves - and went over the guest list before we sent save the dates back in February and before we sent Invitations in June.  Now with 45 days left...im dreading that the guest list issue is still not dead.

I am also going to tell him that I've decided to have my sister walk me down the aisle.

 my dad and i aren't close...never have been.  he hasn't been in my life most of my life..and my only real parent..my mom passed away a long time ago.  i think he feels its his right... but... im sooo dreading talking to him here in a few hours..

any advice on how to let him down easy?

I plan on saying something to the effect of: my sister has done so much for me thru the couse of my life and has been so instrumental and helpful with the wedding.. i cant think of a better way to honor her..so ive decided that's who id like to walk me down the aisle.  thoughts?

crash2729

Honestly, if I was paying for my whole wedding and someone had already thrown a fit over the guest list, I wouldn't be meeting them anywhere to give them a copy. 

What does he need it for? 

Did the two of you talk about him walking you down the aisle before?

TheShadyYvonne

I'm only giving him a copy of the guests from his family.  His family has never gotten along well with my mom's family..so i don't feel the need for him to know who else is going that's not related to him.  i have no idea what he needs it for. i think he's afraid that more of my mom's family will be there than his..which is probably true since more of them live in the states..and all of her siblings are actually travelling from out of the country..which is super awesome. not so much for him since i think its some sort of status thing in his mind.. ( many many reasons im not close to him)

nope - i've never talked to him before about walking me down the aisle.

MyUserName1

"I'm sorry, dad, but I won't be bringing the guest list and other wedding information with me. Can't wait to see you and catch up."

"Sorry, dad.  No!"

"Sorry, dad, no!"

"No, i didn't bring it with me.  How's work?"

Honestly, i wouldn't mention the walking you down the aisle thing unless he brings it up.  Then, "Since Sister and I are so close, I felt like it would be very special for her to escort me.  She's so excited!"

angelsong21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dreading-talking-to-my-dad-any-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c31ee86-1370-43d8-84c3-0a0bbdd55beaPost:68599dcf-b3cf-48d8-8be3-036fb24fb404">Re: Dreading talking to my dad... any advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, if I was paying for my whole wedding and someone had already thrown a fit over the guest list, I wouldn't be meeting them anywhere to give them a copy.  What does he need it for?  Did the two of you talk about him walking you down the aisle before?
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

<div>Great minds think alike.  This is exactly what I wanted to say.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>To me, this would have been a phone conversation that went like this:</div><div>
</div><div>Dad: "I want to meet you after work one day and talk to you about the guest list."</div><div>
</div><div>Me: "Everything has already been finalized."</div><div>
</div><div>Dad:  "No, I want to make sure X,Y,Z are invited and I want to go over some of the wedding stuff with you because ________________."</div><div>
</div><div>Me:  "Again, everything is already finalized and not up for discussion, dad.  I'm sorry, but the answer is still 'no'."</div>

TheShadyYvonne

i think he expects to be walking me down the aisle even though we have not discussed it.  my family is from another country...but..ive lived here since i was like 10 i dont follow any cultural traditions...and they only seem to follow "tradition" when it suits them and there is something to be gained..financially or otherwise.  we already told him we were not paying a dowry and would be having an american wedding..

*sigh*

im prepared for he doesn't show to the wedding honeslty at this point after i tell him ;\

TheShadyYvonne

i know most of my answers today will have lots of nos... the wedding is 45 days away...and the ball has been rolling for quite some time. 

crash2729

I agree with MUNI. 

Only bring up him walking you down the aisle if he initiates the conversation.

TheShadyYvonne

ahh..kk I'll try that approach.  thank you so much 

TheShadyYvonne

just out of curiosity - do most people ask their father's normally to walk them? or is it usually assumed that they will be?

crash2729

It was just assumed that my Dad would walk me. But my father has always been in my life. I would expect that a father who has not always been there would just EXPECT to walk you down the aisle. 

At the same time, when you don't tell him he needs to be fitted for a tux or what to wear he may assume that he is not walking you.

tanyamary627

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dreading-talking-to-my-dad-any-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6c31ee86-1370-43d8-84c3-0a0bbdd55beaPost:f03e0b8d-38f1-48b8-a780-77f0f0df96b7">Re: Dreading talking to my dad... any advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]just out of curiosity - do most people ask their father's normally to walk them? or is it usually assumed that they will be?
Posted by TheShadyYvonne[/QUOTE]

My father isn't a big part of my life, we see each other only once or twice a year.  My step-father plays a bigger role.  At our engagement party a few weeks ago, my father and step-father were both there.  My father comes up to me during it, and tells me that he asked my step-father if he would be walking me down the aisle or if they should both do it.  My step-father had responded to him that he (my dad) can walk me down the aisle.  When my dad told me this I was pretty upset, since it's not their decision and because of course my step-father told my father to go ahead, since he was put on the spot and didn't know what I wanted.  So... some people assume!

A suggestion is to have a father/daughter dance at your wedding so that you're still honoring him in some way, without having to sacrifice your wish to have your sister escort you down the aisle.

lauralaur

I think my Dad may have assumed but I did bring it up at one point anyway just to be sure. It was pretty important to me though because my parents are divorced and my mom had us most of the time and for whatever reason I went through a long phase as a kid where I didn't like my Dad, through no fault of his own, and now that I'm an adult I can appreciate how much that must have hurt him and so find myself doing things to reinforce that I love him.

RussoWill

[QUOTE]I think my Dad may have assumed but I did bring it up at one point anyway just to be sure. It was pretty important to me though because my parents are divorced and my mom had us most of the time and for whatever reason I went through a long phase as a kid where I didn't like my Dad, through no fault of his own, and now that I'm an adult I can appreciate how much that must have hurt him and so find myself doing things to reinforce that I love him.
Posted by lauralaur[/QUOTE]


Wow, are we twins? Same case for me, including feeling like I need ot make up with him.