Living Together = Church Issues

lceva

and by last post, I was addressing Calypso1977... I guess I was too slow...

Calypso1977

God does know, and God also knows that you living together should not affect the kind of relationship you have. actually, it can.  if that poster had not lied to her priest, and had been honest about her situation, she  and her husband most likely would have received some very good lessons and counseling in her pre-cana about where the Church stands on sex outside of marriage, and why the Church has that belief.  it really is not a "pointless rule" as you call it, meant to make things difficult.  Church teaching is very clear.  she and her husband may have rethought their decision to live together until the wedding, or if they truly could not live apart, how to live together in a chaste manner so as to prepare themselves to receive the sacrament.

Curucu

I have to say they make a mountain out of vestal virginity and having been a member of the club - its not so great.  My ex husband was not who he pretended to be.Is it that you want to wed in a CHURCH, or that you want a religious ceremony?  If you want a religious ceremony, you can hire all kinds of clergy to perform religious rites outside of your church.  If you want to wed in a church, why not consider a historical site?  Many times they allow you to "import" a clergymember to perform your ceremony.  At that point you can choose someone from whatever denomination you wish...you can find good ones with a simple search online.

jmc600

I really don't think that its anyone's right (including a priest or preacher) to tell anyone how to live and how to have sleeping arraignments. I understand that they have a moral obligation to their church, but simply suggesting it seems to be enough. I think that asking a couple if they can change their situation is reasonable but if not, I dont think that they should refuse to marry you. Some people can't afford financially to change their living arraignments. If that is the way your church feels, I agree with pp it sounds like you aren't in the right church.

duckie1905

I really don't think that its anyone's right (including a priest or preacher) to tell anyone how to live and how to have sleeping arraignments.You can think this all you want but the fact remains that if you don't believe, practice or live based on the rules of your church then they have every right to say no and refuse to marry you.  Then again, you probably shouldn't be a member of a church in which you don't agree with the rules/teachings.  Or, have a non-religious ceremony.Churchs can refuse to marry anyone they don't feel is following their rules/guidelines/teachings/beliefs.

nicole102910

My fiance and I live together, and have for months... including before we were engaged. We are getting married in the Church I grew up in, and the pastor was a little surprised when we brought it up. He explained it to us in this way: Basically we're already married since we live together and act as a married couple would. He said that as long as both of our families knew about our arrangement and were ok and accepting that we are living together, then he didn't have a problem with it either. It's a Lutheran church, so I was pretty surprised at his reaction. He didn't mention anything about the sex 'issue', but we've decided on our own to hold off until we're officially "married". I would definitely go straight to your pastor. Good luck to you!

Budnotes

My fiance' and I are getting married in a Catholic church and they won't let you marry in the church if you are living together beforehand.   You definitely need to talk to the church and find out what options you have or what they will do to work with your circumstances.  Good luck!

lceva

I would like to meet one person that believes in 100% of their church's beliefs. If I believed in everything the Catholic church taught, I would have to inevitably feel inferior because I was a woman. I do like the community feeling and a lot of other things about the Catholic Church, but not everything. I think you just need to be right with your personal relationship with your God.

hillaryeggert

Wow, interesting responses!I think you really need to ask yourself why you want to be married in a church.  And like so many people have said, if you think the church (the literal building or the broader religious institution) and is out of line, it's not the church for you.As for the posts that say it's none of the church's business whether you abstain or not... well, the fate of your soul IS their business and pre-marital sex is pretty unlikely to bolster your relationship with God.  I think it would take a fairly Bible-illiterate clergyman to tell you otherwise, and one who does is probably doing you a disservice.I'm not saying pre-marital cohabitation or sex is wrong, and of course it is a personal decision, but I think it's easy to understand why a clergyman may frown upon it and act in turn.  Figure out your motivation, then proceed accordingly.

beccaboooo

"you may have snowballed your priest, but God knows. that is really blatant. its one thing to avoid the issue unless asked, but to actually say "we dont live together" its pretty bad. makes me wonder if you meant it when you said "till death do we part"." Even as a Catholic, I know some parts of what the Church says are different from what God probably wants. In the Bible, polygamy was even accepted. Judging someone for doing what it takes to make a lifetime commitment is inexcusable. You're not the baby Jesus, so stop being bitter.

Calypso1977

becca, the part of my post you copied actually pertained to her LYING, not her having SEX.  i was all over that poster not for her sin of premarital sex, but for her bold face lie to her priest.

cswhite

Never expected to have this many posts on this topic but it is nice to know I'm not alone in this issue. Our Church did decide they could not marry us if we are living together. We really don't have any other options with our living situation at this time, my house has been rented out and our parents don't have space for us, nor did we want to resort to that anyway. We are currently looking into joining another church. We know that the church frowns upon pre-marital sex and living together before marriage, but my take on this is, in God's eyes a sin is a sin. Even though I know the church has a right to turn down our request to be married there, we feel judged and now don't even feel welcome in the church. We are looking to find something that fits our needs as a young couple with more liberal beliefs. When we find that I guess we will proceed from there with the ceremony plans. Thanks again for all the helpful advice!

swans alive

FI and I have been living together for about a year now -- when we had our first premarital session with our (Presbyterian) minister, our living arrangements didn't come up until the very end, when the minister (rather offhandedly) said "Oh, I forgot to ask. Are you guys living together?" We nervously said we were, and waited on the lecture. He asked us how long, and at that time it'd been about eight months -- when we told him that, he said "Okay, that's not long at all." And that was it. I'm sure we'll get into it more later on, but he was cool with it and it presented no problems at all.

Jasmine&Rajah

Hi lceva,I'm surprised, to say the least, by your statement that you have never met anyone who fully believed the teachings of the faith they practice.I believe all the teachings of Catholicism.  That's the whole reason I've chosen to be Catholic.  The same is true for my family members.  The same is true for the Catholic friends I have.  (Incidentally, my friends who are devout Baptists believe completely in THEIR teachings, which we frequently argue about - with love, of course!)And also, I have absolutely no idea why any woman would feel "inferior" being a Christian.  Mary, a model of humility who obeyed the Word and was "full of grace" was a girl who became the Blessed Mother of the Messiah.  Women stood at the foot of the cross of Christ while most of His disciples ran in fear, and Peter and Judas betrayed Him.  St. Martha, even in her terrible grief over her brother's death, remained strong enough to proclaim that Jesus was her Savior.  The woman of Proverbs 31 is hard working, trustworthy, intelligent, generous, and praised by her family.  Husbands are commanded to lay down their very life for their wives.  I could go on and on.Anyhow . . . just my two cents.  :-)  I wish everyone the best and pray that you are all blessed with beautiful weddings and happy marriages!

ootmother2

Calypso,Just so you know, my priest said it was a worse sin to lie to your self or to your mother than to a priest.Think about that for a while

jacks27

My Fiancee and I had to switch pastors from one lutheran church to another. Some churches are just more traditional than others, even in the same religion. Our new pastor married some friends of ours, and he is really laid back.  The first pastor asked us to move out for 6 months, and we were like yeah right. we are 28 and 30 there is no way. Then he said the other option was to get married right away, and then have a real ceremony later, which we did not want to do either.

jacks27

on the other hand I forgot to mention that the first pastor had us give up sex. Which we have actually been doing, even now that we have a new pastor. But he still would not marry us saying there is temptations when you live together which is very true. It has been tough.