Chosen City Disaster

brittonyzammit

Brides! I need your help. My fiance and I live in a suburb of St Paul, Minnesota and want to have our wedding in the community we live in. We believe this will help when planning and we are getting married in a church and want to make that church our home. 

My fiance is originially from Detroit and I am from Iowa. His family has been AMAZING through planning. Unforunately, my family has not been so supportive. My step-mom and dad have threatened that if we do not have the wedding in my hometown that they will not attend because I have a grandfather who has cancer. 

We haven't been able to get anything planned because my family has literally made every step of planning stressful. My step-sister is my MOH but my step-mom thinks I should have a friend be MOH rather than my sister. 

My step-mom seems to be the person causing most problems and has recently even gone as far as to tell my fiance and I that he is a bad fit for me and that I am "scaring" them because I am not going along with what they want.

Are we crazy to think we should have the wedding where we live rather than my hometown that I have zero attachment to? Yes, my grandfather is sick but our wedding wouldn't be until at least next summer and he is having surgery at the end of the month to remove it all. 

Please help! We are to the point we don't even want to plan a wedding but know we will be disappointed later in life if we let my parents rob us of such an important day.

mandi195

IF you're paying for the wedding, plan the wedding you want. Period.

s-aries8990

I agree with mandi. No pay, no say! Acknowledge that you understand why they want it that way, but tell them you have thought this through and are choosing what you and FI want together, not catering to one family or the other.

brittonyzammit

They are paying $5000 but his parents are contributing more and we are paying for most of it ourselves. Honestly, they say they are going to contribute that much but until we have it in the bank there is no way to know for sure they really will follow through with what they promised.

Thank you ladies!!! I so appreciate it!

[Deleted User]

Plan it for your city. A lot easier for you & everyone else involved. This way you don't have to rely on someone else to do all of the leg work of checking out locations/vendors in that town. Have fun planning your wedding & good luck!!!

wrigleyville

What will you do if they don't remove all of the cancer? Don't get me wrong - I REALLY hope your grandfather is okay - but removing it doesn't always mean someone is 100% fine. Sometimes it can spread; sometimes they still have to have chemo for six months or more. It's just something to consider, that's all. I really do mean that in the gentlest way possible.

If your grandfather is fine, which I truly hope he is, then it's a moot point. It sounds like he's the big reason they want it in Detroit. If he's better and up for traveling, then do what you want.

My FI's mother is too sick to travel, so we're having it in Chicago instead of Vegas as originally planned. A LOT of people are upset about this, but it's his mother. We aren't going to get married without her there. I understand the concern and how hard it is to balance everyone's wishes with your own.

stantokm

Are your parents the primary caregivers for your grandfather?  I can see their concerns about leaving him if that's the case.  Also, if you accept any money from them, they get some say in your plans.  If they're going to place restrictions on that money, thank them and decline their help politely.

You're absolutely within your rights to have your wedding where you want it to be, but your dad and stepmother are also allowed to decline to participate or support you.  It sucks, but that's how it is.  Good luck.

brittonyzammit

Des Moines is only about 3.5 from St. Paul but my family is from Dubuque so it will be about 4.5. 

My grandparents are young and my grandmother is still alive and very healthy. My parents have said that if my grandpa is even a little bit sick noone from that side of my family will be there. 

Avion22

It sounds like your parents are trying to threaten you.  I say, let them threaten all they want.  Be prepared to pay for the wedding without their contribution (it sounds like you are), and tell them how much it would mean to you to have them there, so you really hope they will make it.  The same thing with your other relatives.  My guess is that more of them will show up than your parents are threatening.  

Have you tried talking directly to your grandmother and grandfather?  I know health is unpredictable, but if THEY say they will do everything they can to attend, then you will know your parents are grabbing for excuses to keep the wedding in Iowa.