I think it will get me hired, what do you think?
Chuck Norris doesnt sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris made Jesus say "God Damn..."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris killed a lion, then used its mane for a beard.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once skipped a stone from once side of a lake to the back of his head.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he karate chops himself. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shiit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time and killed Amelia Earhart over the Pacific Ocean.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.