Vent. What is so hard to understand about the word "no"?

rachelm13

CN:  No kids are invited to the reception.  FBIL and wife are burning up the phone lines about how angry they are that their kids aren't invited.  They are 8 and 10 and not the best behaved, but, regardless we just don't want kids at the wedding, plain and simple.  I am not going to give any justifications or excuses.  FI and I are on the same page about no kids.  FI and I are paying for it ourselves.

SO today, I speak with FIs sister and FMIL, they told me that they are on "our side".  I was dumbfounded.  There is a war?  There is a side?  I addressed the invitations to Mr and Mrs. Z.  FI spoke with them well in advance.  We thought we did everything correctly.

Apparently NOW they are thinking about not coming to the wedding, which is unfortunate b/c FBIL is in the WP.  I read these boards enough where I think the advice we should follow would be to probably just acquiesce and let them come, but honestly that opens a whole floodgate with regards to other children.  And FWIW wife is still mad that the kids aren't in the wedding.  FFS.

I just want to lay my head on my desk and have someone hit me over the head repeatedly with a large dictionary.  Preferably opened to the page where "no" is defined.

daveANDkristen

Yikes!  I'm sorry that FI's brother and SIL are being difficult about this.  I don't think you have to cave, or even that you should, but you and FI should discuss which is more important - brother being there, or brother's kids not being there.

TheBaysideBride

Oh, wow. I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to deal w/ this. Hold your ground. It's your wedding, and your decision, and I'm sure someone, somwhere has successfully been to a wedding wihtout bringing their children
I got an earful yesterday from a BM (of all people) about a friend I"m not inviting - because we hooked up for TWO YEARS. She told me his new girlfriend is offended. I'm like, I don't give a shizzle what a virtual stranger thinks! and if she wants me to detail the many, many, many reasons it's inappropriate for him to be there, I'm happy to. ugh. people are insane.

hold your ground and send them the definition of babysitter as well.

misssunshine17

The only thing I have to ask is you say they're not invited to the reception... Are children invited to the ceremony? I'm not saying you have to have kids at your wedding, however, they must be invited or all or none.

lyndausvi

All choices, good and bad, come with consequences.  

It's just life.    Only you can determine if your choice is worth the consequence or not.


GL

SlothGoals

Are you sure this is a hill you want to die on? I'm not saying what you're doing is wrong, but you have to live with them talking about this for the rest of your life; that's a looong time. A lot of people make exceptions for neices/nephews at Adult Only receptions. It's just something to think about.

McRogol

We struggled with this as well, and in the end decided to let my FI's 2 and 3 year old nieces attend the wedding along with my 7 year old nephew.  My FSIL really wanted to her daughter to come and I think her not so sublte comments were a little rude and made me feel a little uncomfortable, but in the end I felt like she wanted it way more than I truly cared.  The only children invited are the son and daughters of immediate family.  So I guess you should decide if this is a hill you're willing to die on.  

AJuliaNJ

I would be pissed that they were trying to pull all these people into it and threatening not to come without the kids. At this point, I wouldn't even care if they were mad at me. Their kids are 8 and 10, not breastfeeding babies. I would call FBIL (or better yet, have FI call him) and politely but succinctly confront him about them not coming. "We heard you are thinking of not attending our wedding. If that is the case, it is important that we know ASAP because you are in the WP and we want to make the appropriate choices regarding suits, bouts, etc." "Oh, you can't come if Cutiepie and Angel can't come? I totally understand. We look forward to seeing you at Christmas." 

You might cause a longstanding feud with them by doing this, but the only way you can definitely, 100% come out of this with them being happy is to invite the kids.

Simply Fated

I'm on Team Don't Cave. Regardless of why the FBIL and his wife want their kids there, sometimes kids just can't go everywhere mommy and daddy. That's just how it is.

rachelm13

Yes, FI has been the one having all the discussions for that reason.  I don't want to come off as a zilla.  He is not the GP of either of them. 

Personally, I don't like the idea that this may be the hill to die on, and, I fully understand that I am stuck with them for the rest of my life.  I just don't like that we are basically being emotionally blackmailed.  What gets me is that FI spoke with them awhile ago and they didn't say anything to him other than: we will discuss it and get back to you.  FI even caged it that it would be a nice night for them without the kids!  ONLY NOW 50 days to the wedding, that they are upset and they haven't said anything to us directly.  Just everyone else.  And for added fun, FBIL works at my company.  Not as if he doesn'thave access to me...

I just spoke with FI.  He is fuming. 

I am calling Uncle Vodka afterwork tonight.

OjitosVerdes

Ugh, I'm so sorry this is an issue for you. I'm also in the "don't cave" camp. I'm also in the "no kids at the wedding" camp, so I may be a bit biased. 

That said, I do disagree with the line of thinking that you have to decide which is more important - that FBIL is there, or that no kids attend.  Because your FBIL is forcing that decision on you - not the other way around. You are perfectly within your rights to just invite adults. They are not right to insist that additional, uninvited family members attend with them. Whiile I realize that ultimately the consequences are the same, this is absolutely emotional blackmail and the etiquette breach is firmly on them.  

I would have FI call them and turn this around on them - I would communicate that you will be thrilled for FBIL and FSIL to attend and be part of your day. However if it is more important to them that their kids also come ... if they would rather miss your wedding than find a babysitter, then you're very sorry and will miss them that day. State that you simply can't accommodate children and let them be the ones to decide. 

I should also add that FI and I had to be very careful about establishing boundaries with his family that weren't in place prior to our relationship, and I think it definitely influences how I'm reacting to your situation. 

Ultimately if you decided to make an exception and keep the peace I'd understand - we're getting around this by having nieces/nephews in the bridal party - but I'm still sorry that your ILs are being a$$holes. 

Jen4948

Don't cave.

I'm sorry your FBIL and FSIL don't understand what "no" means.  They shouldn't be putting this on you.  Have your FI put his foot down firmly.

CLI242009

I am with the camp "hold your ground". You followed etiquette with how to address the invites and eveything. I don't see why YOU should be the one to sacrafice something on YOUR day just because they can not find a baby sitter. I mean yes his family won't be avail but SIL's family can't watch the kids? Other grandparents don't want to take the kids for the day?

I don't know all the circumstances, but there are a LOT of options which do NOT include blackmailing you and your FI, that is just BS!!!

For my wedding we are only allowing certain kids. No one really knows this except for immediate family, which have not said anything to the outside family. Direct nieces and nephews are allowed because we are a PART of their lives not becuase we HAVE to!

I am sorry they are being jerks, I hope you don't bash your head too much over this. You have other more important things to think about. If it comes down to it, maybe stating the reason you don't want kids there will help them understand?

GOOD LUCK!

ridedatbike

In Response to Re:Vent. What is so hard to understand about the word :Yes, FI has been the one having all the discussions for that reason.nbsp; I don't want to come off as a zilla.nbsp; He is not the GP of either of them.nbsp; Personally, I don't like the idea that this may be thenbsp;hill to die on, and, I fully understand that I am stuck with them for the rest of my life.nbsp; I just don't like that we are basically being emotionally blackmailed.nbsp; What gets me is that FInbsp;spoke with them awhile ago and they didn't say anything to him other than: we will discuss it and get back to you.nbsp; FI evennbsp;caged it that it would benbsp;a nice night for them without the kids!nbsp; ONLY NOW 50 days to the wedding, that they are upset and they haven't said anything to us directly.nbsp; Just everyone else.nbsp; And for added fun, FBIL works at my company.nbsp; Not as if he doesn'thave access to me... I just spoke with FI.nbsp;nbsp;He is fuming.nbsp; I am calling Uncle Vodka afterworknbsp;tonight. Posted by rachelm13 Bleghhhh I want to bold but my phone says no. This may or may not be the problem. Im never too happy when people try to justify these kinfs of things with "its a nice night to get out without the kids." My child isn't a burden and this kind of statement is presumptuous especially when made by non parents. Also he is immediate family and that is where, especially when a wedding party is involved, I draw the line I probably wouldn't be too happy. That's not to say OMG you're so wrong blah blah blah blah blah because ettiquette wise you really arent oe anybe there is like a really reakly good reason for your secision but have you tried approaching the situation more sympathetically? For instance "im sure this puts you out I understand that and I understand you're disappointment but this is a choice weve made." Or something.

rachelm13

Thank you all. FI and I spoke... At length. We aren't going to cave. It super sucks but at least we are a team. FI is calling them today so will update later.

rachelm13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-what-is-so-hard-to-understand-about-the-word-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6e2b7705-fa5d-4d2c-8d31-b298e5677e65Post:da576f85-971b-4375-9b44-7f414aa8f5a0">Re: Vent. What is so hard to understand about the word "no"?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent. What is so hard to understand about the word "no"? : I hope it goes okay. I am hoping they were bluffing about not coming. It would be pretty stupid to skip your brother's wedding just because you couldn't bring the kids. <strong>I mean, do you quit your job because you can't bring the kids to work?</strong>
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

<div>ahahah.  this made me laugh.  </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Sharpschruter22

Update time?

rachelm13

Update:  FI called his brother on the house line and left a message.  Called his cell phone and left a message.  As of 9:35 EST no returned call.

FI managed to speak to all siblings and parents today except one.  (le sigh)

This sucks.

rachelm13

UPDATE #2....

Went to the malbox late today.  (I forgot).  Had some more RSVPs returned.  The plot thickens, FSIL parents declined.  

Bedtime.

lauraanne9

I am also in "Camp stand your ground".  My SIL did not attend our wedding in protest of us not having kids there.  She claimed it was in order to be the babysitter for the uninvited kids.  She watced no children and stayed home alone.  Fine with us...and we both thought that her "I am not coming as someone needs to be available to watch the uninvited kids" was an attempt to make us feel bad.  Nope.

rachelm13

Nope.  The ceremony is 20 minutes from their house!  The venue is on the way home for them!  

We are getting married in his hometown, fewer people would have to travel...

I am sure she is taking it personally, we think she over promised to the kids.  Along the lines of: oh you will be in the wedding just like when A and B got married.  We'll all get dressed up and go to a big party!  

Now she has to explain that she was wrong.  She is not the type of person that does "wrong". Also since now her parents declined...

PatriceC59

I'm so so sorry to hear you're dealing with this.  My FI and I are getting married in November and we have a LOT of family with young children.  Simply due to a combination of budget constraints and our preference, we are not planning on having children at any portion of the wedding and have no flower girls, etc.  Some of these family members are coming from out of town.  I know you said your family threatning not to come is right in their hometown (which makes this whole scenario seem even sillier), but perhaps one thing you can do to smooth things over is offer to pay for a babysitter for the kids?

I know, I know, why should you even have to think for 2 seconds about doing that, right?  Especially with all the wedding costs you're already dealing with....(trust me, I get it, FI and I are paying for everything ourselves).  But perhaps offering something (because I don't think you should cave and invite the kids, totally on your side there), will show that you're trying your best to remedy the situation and force them to stop being so silly.

I hope it all works out!     Family drama is the WORST.

rachelm13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-what-is-so-hard-to-understand-about-the-word-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6e2b7705-fa5d-4d2c-8d31-b298e5677e65Post:dc19c72b-220a-4165-9018-b96f9eaa29af">Re: Vent. What is so hard to understand about the word "no"?</a>:
[QUOTE] To me it sounds like two entitled parents think they birthed the sun and the stars and are just angry that you two aren't giving their creations proper worship. Hold your ground.
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I couldn't agree more at this point.  They still haven't returned FIs calls.  We are proceeding as if they won't be attending.  Sad, but this is on them, not us.</div>

ladyamanuet

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-what-is-so-hard-to-understand-about-the-word-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6e2b7705-fa5d-4d2c-8d31-b298e5677e65Post:d4916a82-6379-46c9-8532-d6fb3105b15e">Re: Vent. What is so hard to understand about the word "no"?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so so sorry to hear you're dealing with this.  My FI and I are getting married in November and we have a LOT of family with young children.  Simply due to a combination of budget constraints and our preference, we are not planning on having children at any portion of the wedding and have no flower girls, etc.  Some of these family members are coming from out of town.  I know you said your family threatning not to come is right in their hometown (which makes this whole scenario seem even sillier), but perhaps one thing you can do to smooth things over is <strong>offer to pay for a babysitter for the kids</strong>? I know, I know, why should you even have to think for 2 seconds about doing that, right?  Especially with all the wedding costs you're already dealing with....(trust me, I get it, FI and I are paying for everything ourselves).  <strong>But perhaps offering something (because I don't think you should cave and invite the kids, totally on your side there), will show that you're trying your best to remedy the situation and force them to stop being so silly.</strong> I hope it all works out!  :(   Family drama is the WORST.
Posted by PatriceC59[/QUOTE]

This. Especially if they are trying to stir up drama with other family members.  You have then done everything in your power to assist them with the no kids scenario and if they still decide not to come, they look like the a$$holes they are being. It REALLY sucks it is his brother this is happening with. 

Not knowing your family, so making an assumption, sounds like this is FSIL and not FBIL that is causing the issue (at least I hope so for your FI's sake).  I am firmly in the "don't cave" camp. They are being unreasonable. I do think offering to assist them in finding childcare for the evening is a compromising gesture and is what I would do. It would also smooth out any feathers they may have ruffled with additional family members, because if they still say no they are firmly the unreasonable ones since not one other child will be there.

This is your and FI's day.  Do weddings with kids go smoothly all the time? Sure.  But are there ones where kids mess it up because the parents don't control them? Absolutely.  And that aside, even if you like kids, it's your choice, especially if you are planning the kind of wedding where kids just wouldn't be appropriate (very formal or very "party"-like atmosphere).

Hope everything works out!  Good luck!!