Rehearsal Dinner?

lauraanne9

A couple of questions about handling the invitations....

I am only inviting a small number of people.  I am not all that worried about the OOT guests at the rehearsal, as the people at the wedding from OOT will actually be my fiance and I, and our families.  So inviting the OOT guests is a breeze.  

The dnner will be:

Me 

My fiance

My mom and dad

My fiance's mom and dad

The BM+SO

The MOH (my fiance's daughter)

The officiant+SO

Total=11

We want the rehearsal dinner, but my fiance's father has never mentioned anything about paying.  I am not even sure he is aware that he is sort of "supposed" to pay and we are NOT going to say anything. However, as we (or my parents, not sure as we are currently planning to pay for the dinner, but somehow when checks need to be written they keep beating us and paying first) are paying, we want to keep the guest list small.  Which presents my issues....

1. My FSIL is "hosting" the reception but is not a part of the WP.  In fact she has commented a couple of times that she will not even be at the wedding, as she will be at home overseeing the set-up of the reception. By hosting, I mean that we are using her home, at her request (she campaigned to have it at her house, even doing a "yard clean up spree and sending us photos of how good it looked" but she is not paying for anything. I do not plan to let her miss the wedding, but there are other issues with her so I am not stirring that pot until we are actually there and able to present actual solutions.  However, as she is not in the wedding and is actually volunteering not to go (and for cost) is it appropriate to not include her?

2. If I do include FSIL and her husband, I feel that I am then obligated to imclude his other sister, her husband, his brother, and his wife.  This is more than I can afford and more than I am comfortable allowing my parents to pay (they have been incredibly generous).

3. With the RD so small, how do we handle the actual rehearsal?  Just keep it to the people invited to the actual dinner?  I think it is possible that some of his relatives may invite themselves (they tend to do that) and it feels awkward walking past them on the way to a dinner they are not invited to...

4. How do I handle invitations?  Word of mouth is not appropriate, but we are having a casual RD, so formal invitations would likely cost more than the RD itself.

5. Is it appropriate to put info/photos of the RD up on our website AFTER the wedding and reception?  We do plan to put photos of the dress (I am keeping it under wraps until the wedding), the ceremony, the cake, etc up, but as the RD is small and invite only, I am inclined to think we should never put anything on the website.

Help?  

Thanks.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-68?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ed089a7-6d6e-4dfb-abec-a09a263f2fd1Post:5b059954-491c-46fc-ad23-e6d47f7c25c0">Rehearsal Dinner?</a>:
[QUOTE]A couple of questions about handling the invitations.... I am only inviting a small number of people.  I am not all that worried about the OOT guests at the rehearsal, as the people at the wedding from OOT will actually be my fiance and I, and our families.  So inviting the OOT guests is a breeze.  ;) The dnner will be: Me  My fiance My mom and dad My fiance's mom and dad The BM+SO The MOH (my fiance's daughter) The officiant+SO Total=11 We want the rehearsal dinner, but my fiance's father has never mentioned anything about paying.  I am not even sure he is aware that he is sort of "supposed" to pay <strong><font color="#ff0000">no one is 'supposed' to pay for anything.  </font></strong>and we are NOT going to say anything. However, as we (or my parents, not sure as we are currently planning to pay for the dinner, but somehow when checks need to be written they keep beating us and paying first) are paying, we want to keep the guest list small.  Which presents my issues.... 1. My FSIL is "hosting" the reception but is not a part of the WP.  In fact she has commented a couple of times that she will not even be at the wedding, as she will be at home overseeing the set-up of the reception. By hosting, I mean that we are using her home, at her request (she campaigned to have it at her house, even doing a "yard clean up spree and sending us photos of how good it looked" but she is not paying for anything. I do not plan to let her miss the wedding, but there are other issues with her so I am not stirring that pot until we are actually there and able to present actual solutions.  However, as she is not in the wedding and is actually volunteering not to go (and for cost) is it appropriate to not include her?  <strong><font color="#ff0000">I, personally, would absolutely include her.  She's playing a major role in your wedding and is being very generous to host the reception - the RD, in part, is a thank you to those who are making your wedding day possible, so I'd include her. </font></strong> 2. If I do include FSIL and her husband, I feel that I am then obligated to imclude his other sister, her husband, his brother, and his wife.  This is more than I can afford and more than I am comfortable allowing my parents to pay (they have been incredibly generous).  <strong><font color="#ff0000">Well again no one should be paying but you unless they offer, and hopefully your parents wouldn't offer if they weren't comfortable with the cost.  But I don't necessarily see why all the siblings need to be invited.  I mean, I personally would have included siblings on the guest list in the first place, our RD was the BP and immediate family, but if you weren't planning on including them I don't think the fact that the sister (who IS playing a role in the wedding) is invited means the other two need to be.</font></strong> 3. With the RD so small, how do we handle the actual rehearsal?  Just keep it to the people invited to the actual dinner?  I think it is possible that some of his relatives may invite themselves (they tend to do that) and it feels awkward walking past them on the way to a dinner they are not invited to... <font color="#ff0000"><strong>I don't know why anyone would show up to a rehearsal they weren't directly involved in, but if you're concerned don't tell people when/where it is.  </strong></font>4. How do I handle invitations?  Word of mouth is not appropriate, <strong><font color="#ff0000">Why is word of mouth not appropriate?  many people handle rehearsals by word of mouth.  I emailed everyone involved to let them know when and where the rehearsal was.</font></strong> but we are having a casual RD, so formal invitations would likely cost more than the RD itself. <strong><font color="#ff0000">even if you do opt for written invitations they certainly don't need to be formal or expensive.  Buy a pack of blank invitations from the party aisle at Walmart.  </font></strong>5. Is it appropriate to put info/photos of the RD up on our website AFTER the wedding and reception?  We do plan to put photos of the dress (I am keeping it under wraps until the wedding), the ceremony, the cake, etc up, but as the RD is small and invite only <strong><font color="#ff0000">Is the wedding not invite only?  I doubt many people will go to your wedding website after the wedding itself, but I think putting photos up is fine.</font></strong>, I am inclined to think we should never put anything on the website. Help?  ;) Thanks.
Posted by lauraanne9[/QUOTE]

lauraanne9

Thanks for the advice.

lauraanne9

To clarify.  I was not saying that I expect my parents to pay...merely that they have been offering to pay for everything that comes up, and I am PERSONALLY not comfortable with them paying for the rehearsal dinner if it is a huge affair.  And, no, telling my father that is not an option.  He is one of the people who pay for things to show his love.  So, if there are tons of people there, he may pay and I will not have any say in it without offending him greatly.  There is always a chance that he will not pay, and this would be fine.  But the chance, going on how things have been during planning, is that he will say he is paying and that is the end of the discussion. This is one of the reasons I want to keep it small.  

There is no way to pre pay at the venue.  Tried that already.

hoffse

I'm confused about how your parents could pay if it's at your FSIL's house - wouldn't you have paid for all the food in advance?  FWIW, I think you need to invite FSIL+husband as well.  You don't need to include his other sister, though including siblings of the bride and groom is pretty traditional.

Word of mouth is fine - email is fine.  What's not fine is word of mouth when you're inviting like 80 people.  Then it's better to send invitations so out of town guests know whether they are invited or not, and your in-town guests know whether they may bring dates, etc.  With 11-15 people, word of mouth is not a problem.