alcohol issues

joe&cassie

okay ladies.  I understand that cash bar is rude... totally get it.  I have been lurking around for awhile and have figured that one out pretty well lol. 

My problem is my mother.  She is insisting that we have alcohol because all of our family drinks but doesn't want to pay for it.  She wants a cash bar.  Many of Fi's family members are recovering alcoholics and FI himself has some issues with alcohol.  I have many friends who don't know the limit and would end up drunk.  I absolutely do not want alcohol at our wedding.  My thought was to have our wedding and reception end at 10ish and then have an after party that would have alcohol at my parents house.  My mom is livid and thinks that my FI is forcing his ideas and beliefs on me.  HELP!

Edited to explain more

nextrightthing

Who is paying?  Hopefully you are paying for it, because then you can just ignore her opinion.

brilibby4

Considering your wedding is almost 2 years away, I would tell mom it is way to early to make any final decisions.  Re-evaluate in a year.

aragx6

It sounds like she's paying for at least some of the wedding, yes? That could pose problematic. Livid mothers are when I start thinking that returning the money and planning your own wedding might not be such a bad plan.

polichik

Have you considered having a brunch or other daytime wedding? That could help skirt the alcohol issue if it's too much of a hassle. If you want the evening wedding, I'd go with the pp's advice and tell your mom that it's not up for discussion. Rinse and repeat.

GuebaraGirl

Alcoholics are tempted daily and your wedding won't make a difference one way or another to them. Your mother sounds like she's the one forcing her ideas and beliefs (without footing the bill), which is not okay. If she's not going to pay for the bar, she has no say in it. Perhaps you can compromise and serve only wine & beer? That way there will be liquor for the drinkers, but not a full bar/cash bar. Have you decided what time of day your reception will be? Maybe a "cake & punch" reception would work to your advantage? Something in the afternoon could easily cater to non-alcoholic beverages like flavored teas and lemonades.

Meegles4

Poli and DJ are very smart. Stick to your guns and possibly adjust timing to make alcohol a non-issue.

cosmogirlWed144626

Your mom is upset because she knows that her side of the family will be unhappy if there is no alcohol.  Most people do expect drinks to be available at a party. 

How does your FI feel about there being no alcohol?

I'm not sure if you don't want it because of the cost, his family's issues, or your desire to keep FI and your friends sober for the reception.

Ultimately, it is your and FI's mutual decision and your mom will have to go along with it.  Best wishes!

mica178

I agree with Poli.

HandBanana

Why are you having an after party hosted at your parent's house with alcohol? I second the tone about alcoholics and temptation. Your wedding isn't any more or less tempting than a restaurant that serves. An alcoholic will drink if they want to drink. I would think about meeting halfway and providing beer and wine.

Summer2011Bride

I agree that almost two years out from your wedding is a little early to be talking specifics and details like alcohol. It might be best to table the discussion for awhile: "Mom, we're still a ways out from the wedding, so we'll consider all our options and decide later." When later comes, if Mom is still against it, then I agree with Poli that possibly changing the time of the reception might help. If not, just stick to your guns.

Kate61487

OP you don't have to have a reason to want a dry wedding (although IMO you have several good ones) the fact is you want a dry wedding, and that's okay!  Don't cater to your mom by having the after party, just have the dry wedding you want and own the decision, like DJ said. 

goobersinlove

I believe if you absolutely do not want alcohol at your wedding, and assuming you are paying for your wedding yourselves, I don't think you should "compromise" with a beer/wine bar nor do an after-party. If you want your wedding to be an alcohol-free event, have an alcohol-free event and stick to your guns. If any of your guests really want to drink, then they'll find their own way to the bar after your reception -- you don't need to make up another thing to attach to your wedding to cater to those who want to drink.

djhar gave great wording for what to say to your mom, and I'll echo that you can also skirt the subject by mentioning that it's 2 years away.

Also definitely consider the brunch time wedding. While having a dry dinner reception is perfectly fine, the absence of alcohol will be less noticable at a brunch wedding vs. a dinner wedding. Just something to think about that might fit your atmosphere.

Good luck - stick to your guns.

kateguess22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcohol-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6fc294d6-59f8-471a-a72e-d9a6e6508dfePost:e9ee1d3e-d9db-458f-b844-97ef139fd053">Re:alcohol issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you considered having a brunch or other daytime wedding? That could help skirt the alcohol issue if it's too much of a hassle. If you want the evening wedding, I'd go with the pp's advice and tell your mom that it's not up for discussion. Rinse and repeat.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

This is great advice! I agree whole-heartedly.

joe&cassie

You all gave great advice!

Parents have said that they are going to help pay for what they think is reasonable hence why my mom thinks a cash bar is ok... they don't want to pay for the alcohol everyone else drinks.  FI and I have discussed our options and we wanted our wedding on a friday night originally but if we stick with our venue they only charge for food and so a brunch on a saturday would work.  We have also talked about turning the money down if she is adamently against it because we do have 2 years to save and most of the stuff I have found that I want is budget friendly.  I didn't want an after party but it was something that was mentioned because that's what my aunt and uncle did for my cousins wedding and reception that were both held at a church. 

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_alcohol-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6fc294d6-59f8-471a-a72e-d9a6e6508dfePost:e9ee1d3e-d9db-458f-b844-97ef139fd053">Re:alcohol issues</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Have you considered having a brunch or other daytime wedding? That could help skirt the alcohol issue if it's too much of a hassle. If you want the evening wedding, I'd go with the pp's advice and tell your mom that it's not up for discussion. Rinse and repeat.</strong>
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I like this suggestion.

</div>

Ali092011

I read through the other responses and I don't think this was mentioned, so my apologies if someone already addressed this, but the other thing I would talk to my mom about is the cash bar issue. Cash bars are generally considered to be very rude. You (or the hosts) should pay for everything that's offered at your wedding, and if you can't afford or don't want to pay for alcohol, it's better to have a dry wedding than make your guests foot the bill. I find it odd that your mother is so adament about having alcohol, yet she refuses to pay for it.

However, stick to your guns if you don't want alcohol at your wedding, even if she does offer to pay for it.