*SIGH* The Inevitable kids/no kids dilemma

Niki&Tom

Hi Everyone,

So, I know there are strong opinions out there about allowing children at the wedding--I'm definitely on the other side of that fence (so please no  "but you HAVE to let the kids attend your wedding!").  Instead, have any of you out there that have nixed the kiddies from the guest list had problems in telling your in-laws/family members?  Have any disobeyed your wishes and brought the kids anyway (and how did you handle that)? 

I definitely do not want any kids at the wedding, especially since it's going to be 150+ and would like everyone there to actually be there for the entire time, and not leaving after dinner because the toddlers are tired, *edit to add* etc/other reasons having to deal with cranky children (better?).  My biggest concern are my FI's parents and sister, who just had her second child (both kids will be 4 and 1.5 at the time of the wedding).  The grandbabies are the center of their universe, and I'm afraid they are going to be really angry with me, but it's not something I'm willing to back down on (I have 16 little ones on my side, and do NOT want to have to explain why my FI's nephews are "more important" than their kids). 

TIA!

MsCosmo

What the cut-off age for the "No Kid" dilemma?  I have more pre-adolescents in my family than anything.  I would say that there are about 10 pre-adolescents.  So should I nix all non-adults.  Meaning omit those unable to support themselves?  I really can't afford for them to attend.  My guest list is already at 160 and we are only catering for 140!

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-inevitable-kidsno-kids-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:707ef427-d654-4c0f-a68e-af57514212dcPost:ef969d71-2661-4ffd-aafc-4bfac41c43e4">Re: *SIGH* The Inevitable kids/no kids dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: *SIGH* The Inevitable kids/no kids dilemma : Yea, I hear you.  I've been back and forth, my parents are helping us pay for the wedding, the FI's parents steer clear of most wedding conversation.  I know there are going to be repercussions, but at this pt with the whole thing (and there's much more drama here than needs to be explained re: the grandkids) I just don't want to give up on this one issue since it is our day and no one else's <strong>and if they can't respect our wishes I'd rather they didn't come</strong>.  Thanks for the advice!
Posted by Niki&Tom[/QUOTE]

YOU might rather they didn't come, but this is also your FI's wedding, and chances are he would really like his family there.  So if it's really going to create that much drama you need to make sure the two of you are truly on the same page about the possible consequences and whether they're acceptable.

banana468

Ditto QQ.  You and your FI need to get on the same page regarding wishes here.  What does he want?

And remember, its your wedding day but that doesn't mean that you can say, "It's our day."  It's the day of anyone you choose to involve.

Beyond that, if you and your FI are open to it, it's also OK to make an exception to the no kids rule to be only nieces and nephews.   Just because you invite some children doesn't mean that you have to invite all children.  There is no all or none group.  You don't have to invite all children, college friends, coworkers, etc. 

And remember that people may leave early anyway.  There's really nothing that you can do to control that.  As great as it would be to have everyone party from start to finish, things just happen and some people won't stay for the entire thing.  Know that in advance because you need to be OK with it when it happens.

jayjoe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-inevitable-kidsno-kids-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:707ef427-d654-4c0f-a68e-af57514212dcPost:fcf08d8f-3cd3-4e23-8e02-0d96e62a2dbb">Re: *SIGH* The Inevitable kids/no kids dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: *SIGH* The Inevitable kids/no kids dilemma : That's insane. I'm glad people were pissed with HER and not you. Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

You have no idea! People actually thanked us for not having kids, soley because of her. And if thats what she did with pictures, you can imagine how she is when she has her daughter with her. This was my favorite complaint:
Friend: So i'm in the middle of a conversation with X who i havent seen in years. Without so much as an "excuse me", SIL comes over and just puts a picture of her baby in between us and says "I know you were dying to see my daughter, but she wasnt invited!" ...Jaime, i didnt even know she had a kid!"

kjs08

The youngest that's going to be invited is 16 yrs. My sister is the only one out of my friends/cousins/family that has kids so I suppose I have this situation a bit easier. My niece will be about 2 1/2 by the time I get married, but I told my mom and sister that my niece will not be invited. Mom threw a bit of a fit and my sister wasn't happy about my decision, but when I explained that I wanted my sister to be able to enjoy herself kid-free and not have to worry about my niece running and screaming, both she and my mom understood. My sister rarely gets any time to herself (her FI doesn't like giving up his "me time" to watch his daughter) and I want her to have a good time.

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-inevitable-kidsno-kids-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:707ef427-d654-4c0f-a68e-af57514212dcPost:ed371fbe-88cd-4518-a18d-825d2c613cb4">*SIGH* The Inevitable kids/no kids dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Everyone, So, I know there are strong opinions out there about allowing children at the wedding--I'm definitely on the other side of that fence (so please no  "but you HAVE to let the kids attend your wedding!").  Instead, have any of you out there that have nixed the kiddies from the guest list had problems in telling your in-laws/family members?  Have any disobeyed your wishes and brought the kids anyway (and how did you handle that)?  I definitely do not want any kids at the wedding, especially since it's going to be 150+ and would like everyone there to actually be there for the entire time, and not leaving after dinner because the toddlers are tired, *edit to add* etc/other reasons having to deal with cranky children (better?).  My biggest concern are my FI's parents and sister, who just had her second child (both kids will be 4 and 1.5 at the time of the wedding).  The grandbabies are the center of their universe, and I'm afraid they are going to be really angry with me, but it's not something I'm willing to back down on (I have 16 little ones on my side, and do NOT want to have to explain why my FI's nephews are "more important" than their kids).  TIA!
Posted by Niki&Tom[/QUOTE]

Just be prepared for a lot of family to not show up.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-inevitable-kidsno-kids-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:707ef427-d654-4c0f-a68e-af57514212dcPost:27f07983-f231-484a-95b8-0613aa3a1e3d">Re: *SIGH* The Inevitable kids/no kids dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]PS: <strong>Snarky Comments need not respond either.</strong>  That's not my reason for not inviting kids--it was an example used in my explanation.  Don't jump to conclusions before tearing into someone's post.  And I asked for specific instances where people had to deal with my specific situations, so maybe the other topics floating around didn't really help.  Thanks to the posts that  did answer my questions!
Posted by Niki&Tom[/QUOTE]

Ok, so you've just confirmed that you didn't lurk to read any of the other posts on this topic before asking the same question - snarky comments are kind of the norm around here.

You're new, so let me explain: people can only respond to what you write. If what you write is "I don't want anyone to leave my reception early because of their kids," then people are going to tell you that's a silly fear since they might leave early for any of a million reasons, or they might bring their kids and be the last to leave. If you'd just written "my FI and I do not want children at our wedding," I don't think anyone would have taken issue with that - child-free weddings are pretty common, and it's just a question of personal preference.