Poll: Would you ever swing? Yes, sexually.

polichik

Fish, do they call it "going to the suburbs"? That's what our swinger friends call it.

Apparently Paletine and Napierville are two of the top swinger capitals of the US. Our professor was talking about how one of her clients owns a "swing house," which is a giant mansion with like 40 rooms that they rent to couples for $200/pair. Couples come, switch partners, do their thing, and the owner of the house makes $16k every weekend.

crfische

I don't know what they hell they call it!

I just know who they are and where they hang out and chat with them at the bar when we're there.

Fargo is just a big small town. We know everyone's bidness.

JessAndTrav

I agree with Fishy on the for better-or-worse logic.

Poli, that sounds like a scene from Eyes Wide Shut.

jasmineh7777

If my husband was no longer interested in sex, I would not look elsewhere. Stock up on batteries, yes. Have sex with random guy, no.

I think if you want that kind of sexual freedom, that's fine, but then don't get married. Monogamy is essential to the definition of marriage.

ggmae

Brie - That doesn't make much sense to me. I could never imagine saying that to N, and I'd be really hurt if he ever told me to do that (even in a case like that.)

NuggetBrain

I personally couldn't and neither could Noodle, but I wouldn't judge a couple who was into this as long as both partners were happy with the situation and there were no children in the marriage.  To each their own, and what's between two consenting adults is their own business.  But as soon as they start having children, I think the swingin' needs to stop.

Brie2010

I just think that sometimes, sex for sex's sake can help a marriage more than it can hurt it. 

Example B: After you're married, and you are deeply in love and committed to one another, your H discovers he has a weird fetish that you're not down with--you don't want him worshipping your feet or peeing on you or whatever.  What are your options?  A) Divorce, which seems silly to me in this situation; YOU doing something in the bedroom YOU'RE not comfortable with, which is bad and wrong; or C) let him find a reputable, clean, paid sex worker with references (yes, they exist) to satisfy his fantasy for him once in awhile.

While the sickness thing might be a better or worse situation, what do you do when you just become sexually incompatable?  Suck it up and think of England?  Make your H be miserable and sexually unfulfilled for life?

Disclaimer: we're monogamous and have no plans to swing or do anything outside our future marriage.  But I can't say "absolutely never" because circumstances change, and what's important to our relationship is the companionship and love, and not necessarily the sex as much.

sarahmk5

Eh, I don't think I could swing - just thinking about FI with another woman makes me feel ill - but I don't judge couples that do it.  To each their own, and if that's what works for some couples, more power to 'em.

Brie2010

I also recommend the book "Skipping Towards Gommorah" by Dan Savage, where he spends time with loving, married, happily swinging couples with kids and respectable jobs in a chapter. 

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-would-ever-swing-yes-sexually?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71407e5c-793c-4b7c-aa56-b0b677e17d50Post:82fbdd94-372a-436e-a92c-568f4371d44d">Re: Poll: Would you ever swing? Yes, sexually.</a>:
[QUOTE]  A) Divorce, which seems silly to me in this situation; B) YOU doing something in the bedroom YOU'RE not comfortable with, which is bad and wrong; or C) let him find a reputable, clean, paid sex worker with references (yes, they exist) to satisfy his fantasy for him once in awhile.
Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

I don't think that there are only 3 solutions.

What about finding a compromise? If DH's fetish was something like licking my feet, (which freaks me out) then I would work to find a compromise between my discomfort and his desires.

I would not run to a 'sex worker'

jasmineh7777

I agree that sex is important Brie, but I don't think it is more important than the promise of my marriage vows.
And I already promised the priest no threesomes. That probably means swinging is out of bounds too.

ggmae

That's a negative on the sex worker for me too. I am just not understanding that. I'd be more prone to work on dealing w/ a weird fetish on my own than hiring someone else to do it.

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-would-ever-swing-yes-sexually?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71407e5c-793c-4b7c-aa56-b0b677e17d50Post:ce06859a-32a5-4129-bc30-4fc73f1766a3">Re: Poll: Would you ever swing? Yes, sexually.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll: Would you ever swing? Yes, sexually. : I don't think that there are only 3 solutions. What about finding a compromise? If DH's fetish was something like licking my feet, (which freaks me out) then I would work to find a compromise between my discomfort and his desires. I would not run to a 'sex worker'
Posted by JessAndTrav[/QUOTE]

I don't believe all situations have a compromise.

If his fantasy is licking your feet, and your solution is him, say, giving you a foot massage, he's still going to be unfulfilled.  It's not the same, and I'd rather him go to professional dominatrix to fulfill it two or three times a year than have him resent me for preventing him from doing it.

I just don't think monogamy is necessarily the be-all end-all.  I think that mature couples can decide what's right for them, and sometimes, it's possible and/or beneficial to go outside the marriage for sex without ruining your relationship.

katiewhompus

That would be a no from us.
Honestly any sense of confidence would be shattered the second that dh became interested enough in someone else to do anything with them. I get depressed and badly spiral to a bad place from porn, an actual person...I don't want to know what that would do to my mental state. (I'm getting better about the porn thing)

jasmineh7777

Brie- Then promises of fidelity should not be included in the marriage vows.

Brie2010

Sex worker =/= hooker on the corner.

There are real, strong, professional women who work as dominatrixes and/or escorts.  They are drug and disease free, safe individuals having sex or working tofor money in this country.  And they're not all bad, horrible people.  Example: http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/

kellyjellybelly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-would-ever-swing-yes-sexually?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71407e5c-793c-4b7c-aa56-b0b677e17d50Post:86733fca-92d2-4849-a98d-5579e6a06465">Re: Poll: Would you ever swing? Yes, sexually.</a>:
[QUOTE]Fish, do they call it "going to the suburbs"? That's what our swinger friends call it. Apparently Paletine and Napierville are two of the top swinger capitals of the US. Our professor was talking about how one of her clients owns a "swing house," which is a giant mansion with like 40 rooms that they rent to couples for $200/pair. Couples come, switch partners, do their thing, and the owner of the house makes $16k every weekend.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Fabulous.  I always knew there was something strange about where I'm from.  I do know a few couples who swing, but I've only heard about houses in the south burbs.  

</div>

beatlesgirl25

I think this is a really interesting topic. Thanks for the book rec, Brie. I'm curious as to people's reasons and benefits for swinging. I imagine it might also be helpful not just for concrete sexual needs, but increasing flexibility (no, not like that) and comfort with sex for couples who are not that communicative? Again, NMS, but I'm intrigued as to why others would do it. Poli, what did you guys learn about this in your class?

ggmae

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-would-ever-swing-yes-sexually?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71407e5c-793c-4b7c-aa56-b0b677e17d50Post:96a1e206-26c0-41a2-bb97-85aac268ed68">Re: Poll: Would you ever swing? Yes, sexually.</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Sex worker =/= hooker on the corner. </strong>There are real, strong, professional women who work as dominatrixes and/or escorts.  They are drug and disease free, safe individuals having sex or working tofor money in this country.  And they're not all bad, horrible people.  Example: <a href="http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/</a>
Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

I know this. I just wouldn't be down with my husband having sex with anyone else. Not my cup of tea, regardless of the circumstances.

sucrets4

Wait, I always thought swinging was 2 couples swapping partners for the evening.

Am I wrong?

That's not the vibe I get from people's comments.

beatlesgirl25

Sucrets, I was wondering the same thing. The examples here seem to be one-sided scenarios.

jasmineh7777

That's what I consider swinging Sucrets.

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-would-ever-swing-yes-sexually?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71407e5c-793c-4b7c-aa56-b0b677e17d50Post:4d997b5e-ee91-4ddc-9452-a122a35e660a">Re: Poll: Would you ever swing? Yes, sexually.</a>:
[QUOTE]Brie- Then promises of fidelity should not be included in the marriage vows.
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

Fair enough, but it's possible to get married/have a healthy marriage without one.

ggmae

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-would-ever-swing-yes-sexually?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71407e5c-793c-4b7c-aa56-b0b677e17d50Post:369b00c2-79c8-4a8f-945e-777609944eaa">Re: Poll: Would you ever swing? Yes, sexually.</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait, I always thought swinging was 2 couples swapping partners for the evening. Am I wrong? That's not the vibe I get from people's comments.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

I was under that impression too, but only because I watched that show "Swingers" a few times and that's what they did. And some special on VH1. I honestly had no idea what the term meant before seeing those shows.

kellyjellybelly

I know at the house parties, the couple (you have to go as a couple) pay to get in.  There are a whole bunch of rules, a man cannot go upstairs without a woman, if the door is open anyone is free to come in and watch, if the door is closed you can't go in.  I'm guessing the rules are fairly standard at most places.

I suppose it can be a 2 couple thing as well?  I'm not really up to date on my swinging etiquette

JessAndTrav

If the scenario to try swinging was due to one of the people in the couple having an unfulfilled sexual desire that the other just won't do---I still think that there are other solutions.

If the couple TOGETHER has decided that THEY BOTH would just love to try swinging, then that's fine, because that was their choice as a couple.

sucrets4

Brie - I also think it's interesting that 50 years ago people dated around more before 'going steady'.  Now we jump right into dating one person.

beatlesgirl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_poll-would-ever-swing-yes-sexually?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71407e5c-793c-4b7c-aa56-b0b677e17d50Post:42ad1639-5f41-450c-9c11-f22f722176c9">Re: Poll: Would you ever swing? Yes, sexually.</a>:
[QUOTE]If sex is purely physical, and is not seen as any kind of spiritual connection, then I can see how couples would be okay with swinging. However, if exclusive sexual intimacy isn't intrinsic to what a marriage is, what sets marriage apart from a close friendship?
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

I think we're talking about two different things here. People can be connected to sex in a spiritual (using that term loosely to mean "other than meeting physical needs") way and still have multiple partners. There are many shades of grey here, IMO. And there are many things that set marriage apart from close friendships besides exclusive sexual intimacy. You can still have intimacy without it being exclusive. That doesn't mean that the level of partnership, companionship, and accountability to your marital partner is no different than that of a close friend. Many people have sexless marriages and they are still married, not just friends.

jasmineh7777

That's really interesting Brie.
I have mostly heard the argument that monogamy is unnatural from men who want to justify cheating. We all have primal instincts, but that is different from a lack of self control and an inability to commit.
If both in the relationship want to swing, then it is their choice and really none of my business. I just think that "marriage" implies monogamy. I don't care if the couple is heterosexual or homosexual. Marriage is a declaration of commitment, and part of that commitment is sexual fidelity.

MyNameIsNot

I also agree with Brie.  While I seriously doubt I could ever be ok with doing it, I have no idea what may happen in the future.

I sort of think that if a couple is agreeing on a set of boundaries, that it isn't really infidelity.  Sort of like how I would consider it cheating if my DH kissed another girl, but not if he got a lap dance, and he knows that.  It's an agreed on boundary.  I might consider it cheating if he told another woman he loved her, but not if he just banged her.  KWIM?