How to let someone know they are no longer invited??? Tricky situation

jodiemariecooksley

This may get a little complicated - but looking for the proper etiquette on this.

We have sent an invitation several weeks ago to my fiance's friend and SO. They have not sent back their reply card yet. We have given reply by date of 7/18 which is two days from now. Long story short we had bachelor/bachelorette parties this weekend. My fiances friend sent my fiance a text message that was so offensive and his behavior was so rude to him that he is wanting to end their friendship over it. They had been growing apart for a while due to none of us liking the friends SO who we all speculate has trapped him by getting accidentally pregnant (it's total soap opera) anyway, the friend has alienated everyone and has been acting like a total d***head for weeks to everyone in our circle of friends. The friend was very rude to my fiance on Saturday and all of their friends and this was before alcohol was involved so before you jump to that - don't - on Sunday he sent the text to everyone in their group of friends asking them to all give back house keys they had to his house. Everyone was really upset by it. It's more complicated than that but I don't want to get into it. Really what I'm wanting to do is to let this guy know that we do not any longer want him to attend the wedding unless he plans on prior to the wedding mending things with my fiance. I don't want our wedding to be the time for him to show up and try to reconcile things. I also don't want him to show up without having reconciled anything with him. I don't want him to show up and cause a scene. I don't know what he would do. I really just want to know if I should send a polite card that says your invitation is no longer extended. What do you do ettiquette wise? I would hope the idiot has common sense to not show up to it in the first place and realize what an ass he was and not use our wedding to cause a big scene. But, I don't know him enough to know what he would do.

dumdumfroggie

I would wait until after the RSVP date has passed. Perhaps, the "friend" will be smart enough to RSVP "no."  If they do not turn in the card, or turn it in with a "yes" response, have your FI deal with him.  FI should call and see if can be worked out (if he wants to work it out at all), and if not, inform him that due to issues from the weekend, he is no longer invited.  Please be aware that this could be a friendship ending move, however.

Simply Fated

Really what I'm wanting to do is to let this guy know that we do not any longer want him to attend the wedding unless he plans on prior to the wedding mending things with my fiance.

This is your fiance's friend, not yours, so it's best to stay out of it. If your FI doesn't want to be friends with him anymore, let him deal with it.
I understand you don't want drama at your wedding and you want what's best for you FI, but you're going to instigate drama if you involve yourself.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-let-someone-know-they-are-no-longer-invited-tricky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:72af5845-901d-4a78-bd78-1c90f6d37bc1Post:2cf2ccce-37a5-481a-865d-851df6377606">How to let someone know they are no longer invited??? Tricky situation</a>:
[QUOTE]This may get a little complicated - but looking for the proper etiquette on this. We have sent an invitation several weeks ago to my fiance's friend and SO. They have not sent back their reply card yet. We have given reply by date of 7/18 which is two days from now. Long story short we had bachelor/bachelorette parties this weekend. My fiances friend sent my fiance a text message that was so offensive and his behavior was so rude to him that he is wanting to end their friendship over it. They had been growing apart for a while due to none of us liking the friends SO who we all speculate has trapped him by getting accidentally pregnant (it's total soap opera) anyway, the friend has alienated everyone and has been acting like a total d***head for weeks to everyone in our circle of friends. The friend was very rude to my fiance on Saturday and all of their friends and this was before alcohol was involved so before you jump to that - don't - on Sunday he sent the text to everyone in their group of friends asking them to all give back house keys they had to his house. Everyone was really upset by it. It's more complicated than that but I don't want to get into it. Really what I'm wanting to do is to let this guy know that we do not any longer want him to attend the wedding unless he plans on prior to the wedding mending things with my fiance. I don't want our wedding to be the time for him to show up and try to reconcile things. I also don't want him to show up without having reconciled anything with him. I don't want him to show up and cause a scene. I don't know what he would do. I really just want to know if I should send a polite card that says your invitation is no longer extended. What do you do ettiquette wise? I would hope the idiot has common sense to not show up to it in the first place and realize what an ass he was and not use our wedding to cause a big scene. But, I don't know him enough to know what he would do.
Posted by jodiemariecooksley[/QUOTE]

If he's one to be involved in a "soap opera" or "cause a scene" to begin with, would rescinding his invitation not give him cause to show up and create a bigger "scene"?

He hasn't even RSVPed, so wait until he gives you an answer as to whether he will be there or not. If you don't hear from him, have FI call/text and say "If we don't hear from you by X day, we will have to put you down as a no."

If he does RSVP that he is coming, just accept it. Thank him for coming to the wedding and move on - no reason for your FI (or you) to spend any consistent time with him.

Also, paragraphs are your friend.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-let-someone-know-they-are-no-longer-invited-tricky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:72af5845-901d-4a78-bd78-1c90f6d37bc1Post:2cf2ccce-37a5-481a-865d-851df6377606">How to let someone know they are no longer invited??? Tricky situation</a>:
[QUOTE]This may get a little complicated - but looking for the proper etiquette on this. We have sent an invitation several weeks ago to my fiance's friend and SO. They have not sent back their reply card yet. We have given reply by date of 7/18 which is two days from now. Long story short we had bachelor/bachelorette parties this weekend. My fiances friend sent my fiance a text message that was so offensive and his behavior was so rude to him that he is wanting to end their friendship over it. They had been growing apart for a while due to none of us liking the friends SO who we all speculate has trapped him by getting accidentally pregnant (it's total soap opera) anyway, the friend has alienated everyone and has been acting like a total d***head for weeks to everyone in our circle of friends. The friend was very rude to my fiance on Saturday and all of their friends and this was before alcohol was involved so before you jump to that - don't - on Sunday he sent the text to everyone in their group of friends asking them to all give back house keys they had to his house. Everyone was really upset by it. It's more complicated than that but I don't want to get into it. Really what I'm wanting to do is to let this guy know that we do not any longer want him to attend the wedding unless he plans on prior to the wedding mending things with my fiance. I don't want our wedding to be the time for him to show up and try to reconcile things. I also don't want him to show up without having reconciled anything with him. I don't want him to show up and cause a scene. I don't know what he would do. I really just want to know if I should send a polite card that says your invitation is no longer extended. What do you do ettiquette wise? I would hope the idiot has common sense to not show up to it in the first place and realize what an ass he was and not use our wedding to cause a big scene. But, I don't know him enough to know what he would do.
Posted by jodiemariecooksley[/QUOTE]

I think froggie has a good idea about waiting until the RSVP date has passed and seeing his response to that.  If I were your FI and wanted to save the friendship, I would make the first move, even if I wasn't at fault in whatever happened, in order to have reconciliation before the wedding. 

aragx6

FI needs to decide if he really wants to end the friendship or if he's just mad. Uninviting him to the wedding will almost certainly end the friendship.

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-let-someone-know-they-are-no-longer-invited-tricky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:72af5845-901d-4a78-bd78-1c90f6d37bc1Post:9a8f31c2-b087-4a52-a700-70f06a33ffba">Re: How to let someone know they are no longer invited??? Tricky situation</a>:
[QUOTE]I would wait until after the RSVP date has passed. Perhaps, the "friend" will be smart enough to RSVP "no."  If they do not turn in the card, or turn it in with a "yes" response, have your FI deal with him.  FI should call and see if can be worked out (if he wants to work it out at all), and if not, inform him that due to issues from the weekend, he is no longer invited.  Please be aware that this could be a friendship ending move, however.
Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. If you/FI start off the conversation threatening he won't be able to come to the wedding if he doesn't reconcile, you'll either really piss him off or get a fake response just so he can go. You want his feelings, no matter what they are, to be at least genuine.

I'm also still stuck on the friends being upset that this other friend decided to take all of the house keys to his <u>own house</u> back. I know you didn't give us all the details and that's fine, but I just can't think of any reason why someone should be upset that the owner of a house wants keys back from people who don't live there. It's his house.

specialk84

I'd like to hear more about this text message. Is everyone upset just because he asked for his house keys back? That seems...ridiculous.

SugarFoote

I don't the "friend" in question is going to show up at your wedding based on the info you have provided. Sending a card telling them the invitation is no longer extended seems a bit childish to me. Do you really want to sink to this guys level? I would just leave it be. But since this is your FI's "friend"...let him handle it.

ems27

Definitely wait until the RSVP deadline... and if you haven't heard back, I would just tell him that since he did not RSVP you had to assume he was a "no" for catering, so there is no longer space for him.  But your FI has to make the call on that and be the one to contact him.  Similar to PP, but I wouldn't give him the opportunity to say "yes" after the deadline if you both really don't want him there.

Stackeye210

I........I..........I........I........I. 

Stop speaking for yourself with all the I's, and stop speaking for your FI.  Let him handle his grown man business. 

runpipparun

I am going to guess that FI's friend has no intention of showing up to your wedding. From your post, it sounds like -- perhaps -- FI's friend got fed up with your group of friends passing judgment on his relationship behind his back. Demanding all the keys back to his own house is a pretty definitive sign that he is through with the people he'd given them out to. You mentioned that none of you like his pregnant GF, and that you all surmise she has trapped him with this pregnancy. Well, that's really not your concern. But since "all" of you feel that way and demonstrate your dislike or disapproval to him on a regular basis, whether verbally or passive-aggressively, I can see why your FI's friend would have reason to cut you all out of his life. Regardless of whether this GF purposefully got pregnant or not, he is trying to make it work with her, it would seem, by getting keys back and making his home a more "grown-up" place ---  and not a frat house where multiple people have access to it.

I don't think you will have a problem with him, since it sounds like he "broke up" with you guys. Live and let live. He will go his way, and you need to go yours.