Who is invited?

Rac1162

I just got the list of those to send "Save the Date" cards and then eventually intives to for my FI's side from my FMIL.  There are people on the list neither my FI or I know.  For example, listed is someone who is friends with one of my FMIL's friends (more of an aquaintance to my FMIL).  My FI and I are paying for a majority of the wedding.  My parents are paying for the reception site and food.  There has been no mention of a contribution from FIL.  Granted the list is not huge of these folks (about 20 total) but we don't know them...they don't know us.  I really don't want to start any 'issues' with this but am I in left field in wanting to say no to these folks being invited?   

LeiselEB

If you and your parents are paying, you guys have more of a say in the guest list than your future in laws. 

That said, I always think it's nice to simply split the numbers in a way you see fit and tell your in laws they can invite whomever they want as long as they don't invite more than X number of people. 

Rac1162

Thanks, LeiselEB!  It's not a crazy amount of people and it may end up being more of a  'political' thing.  I know I would feel a little funny getting an invite and not really knowing the people getting married.  We just want everyone to have a good time.  Thanks again!

OwningAHome1981

I'm kind of in the same boat. My parents are paying for everything and my parents want to invite a ton of their friends and family whom I've never met and I mentioned I wanted to invite 10 co-workers (with spouses) and I'm not allowed. I get that it isn't my money, but I'd rather have people I spend everyday with at my wedding over somewhere I have never met.

I think you can want to say no, but ultimately this is what happens at weddings. There will always be people who you don't know. You may not know them or know why, but this person is apparently important to your FMIL. I don't know there's a way out of this unless you pay for everything yourselves.

Meegles4

Liesel is right. In this case, I think it's fine to give everyone (FILs, you/FI, your parents) a number guests they can invite. If the FILs choose to invite people you don't know, oh well, but at least they're staying within their limit, so to speak.

I do find it kind of weird they're inviting people who don't know your FI. My parents have lots of friends, and I grew up knowing many of them. Those people were the ones invited, and my parents avoided the ones who they've met since I left home and thus who don't know me. They felt it was sort of "gift grabby" and wanted to keep it to people who actually knew me or had known me at some point. But, to each their own :-)

Peledreamsofrain

I understand your pain, my future inlaws have been a bit invite crazy themselves, even though they are not paying for the wedding.

I can't tell you how many times my fiance has said 'who the heck is that?" when they add more people on that 'simply must come.'

I try to look at it from the point of view that they are excited and want to share their joy with everyone they know.

But at the end of the day: your money, your say

OliveOilsMom

How does FI feel about these extra people?  If he does not want them there, than he should approach his mom about the issue.  Otherwise, if these people don't put you over budget or fire inspection limits, then I would be inclinded to allow them to be invited.

Lisa50

If this is truly your FMIL's list, then invite the people.  Why was she given the opportunity to create and submit a list if the list would not be honored?  Am I missing something here??

Rac1162

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:72bdcd57-d037-4921-879c-3b59e391d515Post:98304c23-e58e-4d56-a5fd-88527dbeb467">Re: Who is invited?</a>:
[QUOTE]Liesel is right. In this case, I think it's fine to give everyone (FILs, you/FI, your parents) a number guests they can invite. If the FILs choose to invite people you don't know, oh well, but at least they're staying within their limit, so to speak. I do find it kind of weird they're inviting people who don't know your FI. My parents have lots of friends, and I grew up knowing many of them. Those people were the ones invited, and my parents avoided the ones who they've met since I left home and thus who don't know me. They felt it was sort of "gift grabby" and wanted to keep it to people who actually knew me or had known me at some point. But, to each their own :-)
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks, I certainly don't want us to seem like we are just inviting people, just to get something out of it!  And, they are including people we both know (outside of family) and we are certainly fine with that!  Thanks again!</div>

Rac1162

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:72bdcd57-d037-4921-879c-3b59e391d515Post:a2964093-aeae-44a3-832c-b129a0676be9">Re: Who is invited?</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand your pain, my future inlaws have been a bit invite crazy themselves, even though they are not paying for the wedding. I can't tell you how many times my fiance has said 'who the heck is that?" when they add more people on that 'simply must come.' I try to look at it from the point of view that they are excited and want to share their joy with everyone they know. But at the end of the day: your money, your say
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you, I do believe it is that they are excited and do want to share their joy.  I suppose I just need to open my mind to it!  Thank you, again!</div>

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:72bdcd57-d037-4921-879c-3b59e391d515Post:2c80d4f1-2c24-4b83-ac01-70978fe84536">Re: Who is invited?</a>:
[QUOTE]If this is truly your FMIL's list, then invite the people.  Why was she given the opportunity to create and submit a list if the list would not be honored ?  Am I missing something here??
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

<div>So if my FMIL gives me a list of 50 people FI or I know, I have to include all 50 of those people, just because I asked her for a list?  Am <strong>I</strong> missing something here?  Since OP said the two of them are paying for it, they get the final say in the guest list.</div>

Rac1162

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:72bdcd57-d037-4921-879c-3b59e391d515Post:7eca5e24-bc49-4a36-94ef-d87e779a8119">Re: Who is invited?</a>:
[QUOTE]How does FI feel about these extra people?  If he does not want them there, than he should approach his mom about the issue.  Otherwise, if these people don't put you over budget or fire inspection limits, then I would be inclinded to allow them to be invited.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

<div>The funny thing is I called him and told him about it and he really was indifferent.  He did wonder why they would come if we don't know them?  These folks would not put us over any kind of limit as far as capacity or fire inspection limits.  Budget wise, it's more (not a whole lot, but more) that we would have to spend on invites, centerpieces, etc.  He did say that if we approached his mom about having to spend more, she would likely contribute in order to cover those costs.  Thanks for your input!</div>

Rac1162

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_who-is-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:72bdcd57-d037-4921-879c-3b59e391d515Post:2c80d4f1-2c24-4b83-ac01-70978fe84536">Re: Who is invited?</a>:
[QUOTE]If this is truly your FMIL's list, then invite the people.  Why was she given the opportunity to create and submit a list if the list would not be honored ?  Am I missing something here??
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

<div>The conversation went more along the lines of me needing addresses and names of people for the wedding (FI has family that lives across the country that I've not met and not heard much about).  I maybe should have been more specific of what I was looking for.  Thank you!</div>

theelusive1

Our family is very small,  my daughters fiance's family is HUGE  12 aunts and uncle.  So they take up 2/3 of wedding list.  I guess it is what you decide.  But if your paying you get to say who comes.  We left it up to them. I am not into some power struggle because I am paying you have to do this or that.  

arendiva

On a personal level I'm not comfortable having people that neither my fiance or I know at our wedding. I think weddings are intimate and special. We are inviting friends of our parents but we are chosing ones that we know and the we grow up having in our lives. That way it's a win win. Our parents get to have friends to hang out with  and we get to know who our guests are.

BostonGIrl4732

My FI and I are in a similar situation where my parents are paying for the reception site and food and FI and I are taking care of everything else.  My FILs have offered to host the rehersal dinner and contribute to a portion of the open bar bill because it was important to them to have the open bar.

My family is HUGE and we take up about 2/3 of the guest list.  My FIL gave me a list that isn't huge by any means, but includes a lot of seemingly random people so that they have more people on their side.  Do I love the idea of having 10 or so random people at our wedding that I've never met before and FI doesn't really socalize with ever?  No.  But I love my FI and this will make his parents happy and not cause drama.  In the long run, it isn't worth it.  Had the list contained 100 people, we would have sat down with his parents and asked them to pair down to a certain number.

I think it really comes down to how much drama you want to stir up and the cost of that drama.  If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.  But if you can afford it and it's a matter of principle sort of thing, then is it really something you want to start up with your FILs?