Engagement dinner

Knottie1431802683

I am very recently engaged and at the end of the month my fiancee and I want to have a nice informal engagement dinner in the stockyards. It will give our families a chance to meet one another. A friend of mine told me that my fiancee and I will be responsible for paying for everyone's meal. Is this correct?

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dinner-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:74268e6a-bdac-4f6b-8fd1-86fa9a7fa3eaPost:574df493-efb1-482b-ad59-39bb638dba42">Engagement dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]I am very recently engaged and at the end of the month my fiancee and I want to have a nice informal engagement dinner in the stockyards. It will give our families a chance to meet one another. A friend of mine told me that my fiancee and I will be responsible for paying for everyone's meal. <strong>Is this correct</strong>?
Posted by jdimarco10[/QUOTE]

First, your guests will probably view this as an engagement party. You should not be throwing this for yourselves.

Secondly, Yes if you want to invite all these people to eat dinner to celebrate yourselves they will be expecting you to pay for their food as you are the hosts.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dinner-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:74268e6a-bdac-4f6b-8fd1-86fa9a7fa3eaPost:574df493-efb1-482b-ad59-39bb638dba42">Engagement dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]I am very recently engaged and at the end of the month my fiancee and I want to have a nice informal engagement dinner in the stockyards. It will give our families a chance to meet one another. A friend of mine told me that my fiancee and I will be responsible for paying for everyone's meal. Is this correct?
Posted by jdimarco10[/QUOTE]

If you are arranging it, you need to pay. Especially if it is a pricier restaurant.

FWIW - I don't think families need to meet prior to the wedding. And if you are insistant on having them meet, do it in an informal setting. Have a backyard BBQ or order some pizzas and have some yard games or something. There's no reason to force them to go to a "nice" dinner at a restaurant. Regardless, you need to cover everyone's meals.

dancingthrulife

PP, I know you're not supposed to throw yourselves parties, but I don't understand the point of avoiding initiating any kind of gathering. Why shouldn't OP and fiance host (i.e., pay for) a dinner where the understood purpose is to introduce families? The couple is the reason the families are joining, so I'm not clear why the responsibility of introduction would fall on anyone else

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dinner-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:74268e6a-bdac-4f6b-8fd1-86fa9a7fa3eaPost:6086bcbf-05a6-4c53-b921-697b8b730892">Re: Engagement dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Engagement dinner : If you are arranging it, you need to pay. Especially if it is a pricier restaurant. <strong>FWIW - I don't think families need to meet prior to the wedding.</strong>And if you are insistant on having them meet, do it in an informal setting. Have a backyard BBQ or order some pizzas and have some yard games or something. There's no reason to force them to go to a "nice" dinner at a restaurant. Regardless, you need to cover everyone's meals.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

Me either. And knowing the stockyards there's not really a "cheap" restaurant there. I mean..there's cheaper but it's not like Chili's or anything.

achiduck

Our families wanted to meet each other so we had a very casual BBQ at my Dad's place last summer. It was fun, everyone got along and there wasn't the added pressure of being at a fancy restuarnt. 

If you are the ones issuing an invitation to dinner, then you're hosting. Hosting = paying. 

Knottie1431802683

It is a small gathering and everyone knows it is a dinner, not a party. Thank you for the advice!

Knottie1431802683

I too, see no harm in us hosting a dinner to have our loved ones meet. We are not forcing anyone's attendance.

Benny618

People will say you are not supposed to host your own engagement party.  If someone else offers to host one for you then great, but you are not supposed to throw your self an engagement party.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dinner-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:74268e6a-bdac-4f6b-8fd1-86fa9a7fa3eaPost:c75fd906-446b-41f9-a12b-6311feecfdee">Re: Engagement dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]PP, I know you're not supposed to throw yourselves parties, but I don't understand the point of avoiding initiating any kind of gathering. <strong>Why shouldn't OP and fiance host (i.e., pay for) </strong>a dinner where the understood purpose is to introduce families? The couple is the reason the families are joining, so I'm not clear why the responsibility of introduction would fall on anyone else
Posted by dancingthrulife[/QUOTE]
They don't want to pay for it. I think that was the point of the post.
They were wanting people to come to this party and pay for their own meals.

ETA:TK is being slow. You can host whatever you want. But host=pay. AS long as you want to pay for it you can throw your own party all day long.

KellyBrian2013

There is no "harm" in doing it. Many of us just see it as unnecessary.

Basically, if you are hosting (inviting people), you need to cover their meals. Whether it is "just a dinner" or a party is irrelevant.

dancingthrulife

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dinner-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:74268e6a-bdac-4f6b-8fd1-86fa9a7fa3eaPost:3b5a1cfb-bfa5-45c4-93bc-438c810de6cd">Re: Engagement dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement dinner : They don't want to pay for it. I think that was the point of the post. They were wanting people to come to this party and pay for their own meals. ETA:TK is being slow. You can host whatever you want. But host=pay. AS long as you want to pay for it you can throw your own party all day long.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh, ok, the vibe I got was more of a double-check than a don't-wanna. Agreed that they should pay if they're hosting. I was more surprised by the "don't throw yourself a party," which seemed like a jump to me from the idea of initiating a family get-together, which is fair territory for anyone.</div>

Knottie1431802683

Wow, this is going completely in the wrong direction! I never said we didn't want to pay for the dinner, we are more than capable. I was simply asking for etiquette purposes bc I truly didn't know. This is not a celebration of us, this is not a party. This is us and our loved ones having an informal dinner and meeting eachother. That's it.

Meegles4

I disagree that this will be seen as an e-party, with a few assumptions. Assuming that you're limiting this to just parents or possibly just immediate family (i.e. siblings), then it's not really an e-party in the traditional sense and I think the couple can get away with hosting it themselves. But I DO agree that hosting = paying.

So, OP, you can do this, but you really should pay for the entire meal. If that's not in your budget, consider limiting it to just yourselves and your parents, find a less expensive option, host it in your home, or just forgo it in general. As someone said, families don't NEED to meet, and it's possible one of them will step up and host something if they feel it's necessary. For example, my MIL invited my parents over for Easter dinner which was either right before or right after we got engaged.  

ETA: Just saw your latest post. Sounds like you're fine. You have to know that lots of brides come in here trying to get away with doing this and NOT properly serving as a host, so we obviously jump quicker to that conclusion.

crash2729

I think when you are bringing the families together to "meet each other" because you just got engaged, it's very easy for a guest to view it as a e party even if you say that the families are just meeting.

eta: I do also think that it would depend on the guest list. Was the friend that told you to pay not invited? I think I assumed they were.

gurrlballa10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dinner-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:74268e6a-bdac-4f6b-8fd1-86fa9a7fa3eaPost:3b5a1cfb-bfa5-45c4-93bc-438c810de6cd">Re: Engagement dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement dinner : They don't want to pay for it. I think that was the point of the post. They were wanting people to come to this party and pay for their own meals. ETA:TK is being slow. You can host whatever you want. But host=pay. AS long as you want to pay for it you can throw your own party all day long.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

I normally agree with you, but I don't see anywhere in the OP that says they don't want to pay.  For once, someone was asking if that was correct etiquette. 

Meegles4

Crash, I get where you're coming from if the guest list extends past immediate families. In that case, there's no real point in saying the purpose of the event is for families to meet. At that point it becomes a party.

IMO, if you truly want your families to meet, you keep it initmate, and limit it to just the family members (usually parents and maybe siblings). This way they actually have a chance to meet and talk versus being part of some party where they're having to mingle with other guests and not really connecting family to family. In my mind this isn't really an e-party, though I guess technically it could be considered that.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dinner-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:74268e6a-bdac-4f6b-8fd1-86fa9a7fa3eaPost:68c43e5c-2596-4e27-9d0d-5e3976e372cd">Re: Engagement dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement dinner : I normally agree with you, but I don't see anywhere in the OP that says they don't want to pay.  For once, someone was asking if that was correct etiquette. 
Posted by gurrlballa10[/QUOTE]

She doesn't say it, but I got the same impression. The "Is this right?" question tacked on the end read to me as if OP was saying "verify that my friend is wrong so we don't have to pay"... but you're right, some of us jumped to that conclusion without it being expressly written.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dinner-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:74268e6a-bdac-4f6b-8fd1-86fa9a7fa3eaPost:ddf52f6a-64f0-493f-bf4b-4a4938a920f8">Re: Engagement dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement dinner : She doesn't say it, but I got the same impression. <strong>The "Is this right?" question tacked on the end read to me as if OP was saying "verify that my friend is wrong so we don't have to pay</strong>"... but you're right, some of us jumped to that conclusion without it being expressly written.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

This is what I thought. 
I think I'm very cynical this morning though.

Knottie1431802683

Ourselves, our parents and siblings are the only ones in attendance. I had asked a friend bc she too is getting married and we are trading notes. It is a small dinner to meet. That's it. This is my first time on this site so I can't imagine what some of you have already seen but judging by the "claws out" responses I received, it must be awful. To those of you who were truly helpful, I thank you. My question was genuinely about etiquette, not trying to "weasel" out of anything.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-dinner-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:74268e6a-bdac-4f6b-8fd1-86fa9a7fa3eaPost:e8a28a54-6ad0-48e9-9055-259a5ff19515">Re:Engagement dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]Ourselves, our parents and siblings are the only ones in attendance. I had asked a friend bc she too is getting married and we are trading notes. It is a small dinner to meet. That's it. This is my first time on this site so I can't imagine what some of you have already seen but judging by the "claws out" responses I received, it must be awful. To those of you who were truly helpful, I thank you. My question was genuinely about etiquette, not trying to "weasel" out of anything.
Posted by jdimarco10[/QUOTE]

Oh please. Everyone who responded gave you "helpful" advice.

Knottie1431802683

I'm glad you think so, thank you for your help. Have a nice day.

Sharpschruter22

In Response to Re:Engagement dinner:[QUOTE]Ourselves, our parents and siblings are the only ones in attendance. I had asked a friend bc she too is getting married and we are trading notes. It is a small dinner to meet. That's it. This is my first time on this site so I can't imagine what some of you have already seen but judging by the "claws out" responses I received, it must be awful. To those of you who were truly helpful, I thank you. My question was genuinely about etiquette, not trying to "weasel" out of anything. Posted by jdimarco10[/QUOTE]

The etiquette board is full of snarky people who are rude and assuming. Not everyone, mind you, many are sweet and helpful. I have lurked for long enough to know that this board is not for the faint of heart.

I suggest you become involved in the board of those getting married the same time as you. It's called April 2013 weddings or whatever month/year you are getting married and the knot should have automatically added that board to your profile so you can find it there. It is definitely more of a sisterhood and people are very welcoming, sweet, and full of great advice.

Congratulations to you! I think your dinner idea sounds lovely and yes, you would pay.

goatlady12

I did this.  It was more a house warming since FI and I had just bought our house.  It was only family and WP.  Everyone that came offered to bring a dish (kind of a local thing.)  I don't know the etiquette on this is.  But I think if it's not an official "e-party" a potluck isn't poor etiquette.  Am I wrong ladies, or is it only ok if people offer like in my case?