help! guest list drama

Laura2795

Hello,
I come from a very large family. Although I love them, my family comes with lots of drama. At this time there are family members not talking/fighting/feuding/etc. My fiance and I decided to have a small (under 100) wedding with some family and mostly friends. My parents and I decided only to invite immediate family and grandparents. My mom has 10-15 friends she can invite. The problem is that my fiance's family is very large but also close. If his mom is only "allowed" 10 - 15 guests (friends) she will have a problem deciding on which family members to invite and won't have any friends there. If his mom is allowed to invite whoever she wants, my mom will get offended as well (because of our ban on family). Ah! Its so confusing and I just don't want anyone to be mad NOR do I want drama at my wedding! Is there any way I can work this out without offending anyone? I am so stuck!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Why not do "tiers." Allow all first cousins, but stop at second cousins. Or allow your parents to invite all their siblings, then stop. Treat FI's family the same. You might end up with different numbers, but you'll have the same closeness of relation. (And maybe give them an extra 2-3 invites on top of that so they can invite other people who are really close to them, but that might not make the cut.)

ootmother2

I'd allow extra family invites if possible but not friends unless they fall within her allotted number of invites.

ootmother2

ETA

Your mom's famiily members?  That's YOUR & FI'S call, not your mothers unless she is picking up the tab

SarahPLiz

and to add to the PPs, its ok if one side has more attendees than another, unless your parents are paying for the whole thing.
Having a smaller family is a consequence of having a dramatic family. if its not your fault, then she can only be mad at the drama-ites. Unless your family is picking up the bill for the whole thing, don't punish your FI's family for being loving..

Laura2795

Thank you so much for the replies! I have a question...alot of you mention "unless their paying for the whole thing" ...well my family is!! Is that going to change things? I really do appreciate the help and advice!!

squirrly

If your parents are paying for everything, technically they can toss out your list and do whatever they want.  Hopefully that won't be the case. 

Here's what I would do if I were you:

You and FI write the guest list.  If you've got people that you absolutely don't want there, write that list out too.  Then, each of you take your half of the list to your separate parents, and ask if they need any changes.  Personally, I don't think parents need to have their friends at their kids' weddings.  A few of my parents' friends will be invited to ours - because I spent time at their houses, with their kids, when I was a kid - and their kids are invited too.

Make sure you stay within the total number of guests you can afford, but it doesn't have to be equally divided.  If your parents are reasonable, this will be manageable.  If they're not - well, I'd consider paying for the wedding myself. 

jnish

If I read correctly your mom's 10-15 are going to be friends but your FMIL would be inviting family right?I think it is ok to allow her to invite more people as long as it is family. Do you think your mom would be offended knowing its family and not friends that are being invited?