bridesmaids are clueless/lazy

wwrrkd

Wedding is 40 days away! I wish I hadn't had bridesmaids at all, because now I am feeling so disappointed in them that I would be fine never talking to them again! They have not helped with any aspect of the wedding planning, didn't throw me a shower or bachelorette party, and shuddered when I mentioned minor tasks I needed them to do on the actual wedding day. I think they think all they are doing is playing dress up.

To the point, one has a boyfriend who told her she was not to help me get ready or spend time with me before my ceremony because he didn't want to have to hang out by himself for a few hours. How do I tell her that this is ridiculous without sounding like a bridezilla?

2nd bridesmaid just dyed her hair a trashy purple/red color. WHY did she have to do this right before the wedding? My fiance told me to tell her to dye it back because he didn't want it ruining our pictures, but I think it is super nutty to do so. Who is right, me, him, her?

Thanks!

WCaseKC

In Response to bridesmaids are clueless/lazy:

Ok 1) I don't understand the online mentality of saying "you're one piece of work" and/or other comments to the effect that this person is mental.  The bride on here has not stated anything that offensive and there needs to be a common ground of understanding that expressing your feelings or how you fell should not be debased in such fashion.  You can disagree, but we should (as a humanity) try to disagree constructively.

2) I happen to agree with her.  There is an ettiquate to being a bridesmaid.  They are supposed to have certain duties.  AND it is not technically a duty because these ladies are ones who should care about you and your happiness.  This is one of the moments in life where the woman who is the bride is supposed to let it be about her.  (same for the groom, it's equal opportunity, and that this is a day for celebrating the two finding each other in life).

3) As far as an answer on this I have found that typing up kind and joyous "newsletters" throughout the year before the wedding was the best advice I found.  Maybe even a facebook event page since now a days that is the new medium.  That way not only could you have it open to bridesmaids but maybe even to close family.  The newsletter could have positive updates about finding the right dress too "Help Wanted.  Need 200 homemade napkin holders.  Will feed and/or serve wine at my house for anyone who will come!!!  Just RSVP me!"   Then at the very end of this newsletter thank them all graciously, even if no one is helping.  I think it gets the point across, but in a way that makes everyone feel 'welcome' to help but not 'burdened' to help.

When it comes to duties that are Bridesmaid specific I would handle that the same way, make a bridesmaid newsletter and have on it updated questions like, "I have had a few co-workers ask me when the shower will be?  And I realized I never thought about it til now.  Ladies what do you think?"

It's a way of not coming across angry and lets anyone who maybe doesn't know about the traditions step in and help if they would like.

As far as feeling hurt.  I understand you completely.  You are a persobn who would go above and beyond for someone else, and then when the sutation is reveresed you feel gilted and uncared for when other people do not have this mentality.  Just remember that "Do unto others as you would do unto them" can actually be thrown in the trach can when it comes to reversal situations.  It doesn't work like that anymore.  Sure you should always be kind ot others, but other people have different view points and cultural lenses on what is considered being kind or going above or beyond.

Try if you can to see your Maids in a different 'lense' there is something about the way they were raised/culture/religion/family life etc..  that makes their viewpoint different from yours.  But I understand you because I am the same way.  I literally can do so much for other people to the point that I literally get a cold/ill because I worked too hard.  But that is something I have to work with on myself, to make sure I save more of my energy for those who I know support me the most, and pull back a little on those that don't.

The other thing that I have to remind myself of is that, if I want to truly be a good friend I have to learn to do things because I want to and then learn not to expect anything in return.  Otherwise I need to re-examine myself and ask myself why I am doing something and if the intentions are correct.

I hope things get better.  And i understand you.

heatherlnds

You guys are horrible, cut the girl some slack. sounds to me like she was just looking for a little more support and interest from her friends is all. geez.